Lies – 1
March 2016
"He's so small." Wala sa loob na kumento ko na ikinatawa naman ni dad at ni Tita Guen. They invited me to come over during weekend to see my little brother that I immediately accepted since Vaughn is currently busy and I know that he won't come home this weekend. Kaya naman sinamantala ko ang pagkakataon na makita ang kapatid namin sa ama.
"Do you want to hold him?" Tanong ni Dad bago binuhat ang natutulog na sanggol mula kay Tita Guen na kahit na halata sa mukha ang pagod ay kapansin-pansin ang kinang ng mga mata nya habang nakatingin sa mag-ama nya.
Parang tinutusok ang puso ko habang pinagmamasdan sila. Not because of the fact that they are now Dad's new family but because of the love that I see in their eyes. How I wish Vaughn and I could be like that. Kung hindi lang sa mga sikretong itinatago namin sa isa't isa.
"Here Cielle anak, hold him." Dad said before carefully put my little brother in my arms. Hindi ko mapigilan ang ngumiti ng dahan-dahan na dumilat si Marcus Isidro at mataman lang na tumingin sa akin.
"Hi Isidro. I'm Marcielle Anne." Nakangiti kong pakilala sa sanggol na agad naman ngumiti na tila ba naintindihan ang mga sinabi ko. Maging si Dad at si Tita Guen ay hindi maitago ang saya sa mukha sa nakita.
"I guess he likes you. He never smiles like that to his Kuya Third." Pahayag ni Tita Guen na nagpasikdo sa dibdib ko nang banggitin nya ang pangalan ng panganay na anak.
"I guess I'm just pretty and he got charmed by me Tita, kaya nagsmile sya." Nakangiti ko na lang na sabi para itago ang kabang nararamdaman.
"It's disappointing that you couldn't meet him right now. He's busy with their case analysis. Anyway, you two can always meet up in school since you're studying in ADA too right? Maybe you've seen my son before." Pagpapatuloy ni Tita Guen.
"I don't think so, College of Arts Building is far from the other Colleges. Kaya mga ka-department ko lang din po yung mga kakilala ko." Palusot ko na lang bago muling ibinaling ang tingin kay Marcus Isidro na tila nararamdaman ang kabang nararamdaman ko dahil sa paghawak ng maliit nyang kamay sa daliri ko bago muling ipinikit ang nga mata.
"Awww, Marcus Isidro really likes you a lot." Tita Guen said before asking dad to take a picture of us.
I wanted to decline but I can't think of an excuse so I just let them do what they want. At para din hindi na namin muli pang pagusapan si Vaughn. Just hearing his name is enough for me to get anxious. I still want us to work things out. Kahit na alam kong madaming pwedeng magalit kung sakaling malaman nila ang totoo. Kaya mas pipiliin kong magbulag-bulagan at magbingi-bingihan sa katotohanan kaysa bitawan sya.
Dad took Marcus from me and put him back on his crib after taking lots of pictures of us. Alam kong isesend nya kay Mom ang mga iyon. I don't know why but the three of them seems friendly with each other as if mom is not dad's ex-wife and Tita Guen is not dad's new wife.
"Do you want to rest before we had lunch? Nagluluto pa naman sila Nanay Lucy." Masuyong wika ni Tita Guen bago ako inakay sa ikalawang palapag ng bahay nila.
Ngayon ko lang napansin na napakasimple lang ng bahay nila. And it feels more like home than the house we had before. It's not big as ours. Mayroong apat na kwarto sa taas at apat sa baba kasama na ang comfort room. Tita Guen guide me on a room with a black door.
"This is Third's room. You can use it for now. Tutal wala naman sya. Hindi pa kasi nalilinisan yung guest room. Well to be honest your dad and I didn't expect you today. Hindi ka daw kasi nagreply sa message nya kaya akala namin hindi ka pupunta ngayon. But I'm glad you came Marcielle." Walang bahid ng pagkukunwaring wika ni Tita Guen na sinagot ko lang ng isang ngiti.
Somehow, I feel bad for not letting them feel happy and at ease for the past years. She did nothing wrong. It was mom and dad's decision and it just happened that they met again right after my parent's divorce. She didn't take my dad away from me.
She was about to leave when I stopped her. Nagtataka naman na tumingin sya sakin. "Thank You Tita. For taking care of dad." I said with a genuine smile on my face. Nangingilid ang luhang ngumiti lang sya sa akin.
"Thank you for accepting us." She said sincerely that made me feel more guilty on my next set of words.
"Tita, can I ask you for a favor?"
Nagtataka man ay tumango lang sya bilang sagot.
"About your son, can you not let him know for now that I came here?" I saw sadness reflected to her eyes. "I just feel bad. Ilang beses din akong nag-decline sa inyo noon eh. I know that you understand me, but I don't think that he will." Paliwanag ko na pilit pa din pinagtatakpan ang katotohanan.
"I know Vaughn Carlo will understand you. Alam naman namin na mahirap tanggapin ang pinagdaanan mo eh." May pagsuyo nyang wika.
"Just, for now. Let's keep it a secret for him Tita, please? I've been a wayward child for so many years, I just want to take it slow. He is not like Marcus Isidro who knew nothing. Kapag siguro wala na yung guilt dito sa puso ko, ako na mismo ang magsasabi sa inyo na ipakilala ako sa kanya." Pagsusumamo ko.
She sighed in defeat and nod. "Okay, I understand."
"Thank you, Tita Guen." She smiled and left to let me rest.
I have mixed emotion when I entered Vaughn's room. His room is as tidy as his room in our dormitory. It is painted in black and white. No pictures of him can be seen but a lot of paintings are hanged in his wall. I felt relieved to know that he didn't left any traces of him in his room as if he anticipated this moment. Patunay lang nun na maging sya ay ayaw din na malaman ko ang totoo. That's why I keep on hiding the fact that I knew everything.
I lay down on his bed facing the window. I smiled when I realized that he actually left a trace of him. This room smells like him but of course that wouldn't be enough. Nakakatawa lang isipin na biglang naging panatag ang loob ko. It's as if he's embracing me. I shook my head and shift my position. My smile fades when I saw his ceiling.
Isa-isang pumatak ang luha sa mga mata ko nang makita ang painting sa ceiling ng kwarto nya. It's a field of forget-me-not flowers but in the middle of it is a painting of me holding a bouquet of forget-me-not. It was me during my graduation in high school because it has the exact dress that I am wearing when I got the forget-me-not from that weird stranger.
The vivid face of my first love flashes in my mind as tears fell in my eyes for not recognizing him, for not realizing that the person who first took the pain away was the same person who filled the void in my heart.
But pain filled my heart when I saw the words written in the painting. It was written in a way that normal people can't see it. You need to be good in art to decipher it as if it's meant to be seen by me alone. As if it's the storm warning that I've been waiting for.
The traces of him that I've been looking for…
If you ever believe my lies, I wish you'd still choose to forget me not. – Vaughn Carlo Alcantara III