October 2013
I rushed my way to the main entrance l when I received a text message from Tita Veronica, saying that her wayward daughter sneaked out of the hospital to come here in ADA all alone. May halong pagtataka sa mukha ng mga kapwa estudyanteng nadadaanan ko dahil marahil tagaktak na ako ng pawis habang tumatakbo patungo sa entrance. Who won't be running like a headless chicken if you received a text that a cancer patient sneaked out of the hospital and travel all the way here alone? Ang dating lima hanggang sampung minutong layo ng main gate to school ground ay natakbo ko ng tatlong minuto lang.
I was about to call Tita Veronica's number again when a petite girl wearing a pink bonnet and a mask entered the gate. Hindi nya ako agad napansin dahil sa pagkuha ng gwardiya sa atensyon nya upang marahil ay ipatanggal ang bonnet at mask nyang suot. She only took her mask of to show her face that made the lady guard recognized her. She flashed her usual jolly smile as if there's nothing wrong with her health, as if she's not in pain while talking to the guard that she's been friends with. Napalitan lang ng alanganing ngiti ang nakapaskil sa mga labi nya nang ituro ako ng gwardiya na unang nakapansin sa akin. I took my hanky and wipe my sweat when she walks towards me with a troubled smile on her face.
"Hi." May pag-aalangan sa mukhang bati nya sa akin.
"Are you crazy? Why did you take off your mask? Put it back and follow me you stupid crazy woman!" Wika ko sa pinaka-kalmadong tinig kahit pa nga ang totoo ay halos iluwa ko na ang puso ko sa sobrang kaba dahil sa pagpunta nya dito ng mag-isa.
Agad naman syang tumalima at isinuot ang mask bago sumunod sa akin papunta sa school ground na pagdarausan ng school festival. Laking pasalamat ko na lang at halos lahat ay nasa school ground na dahil hindi ko alam kung anong ekspresyon ang meron ako ngayon dahil sa halu-halong emosyon na nararamdaman. I was so afraid when I received her mom's text message but now, I feel relieved that she's here now.
"I'm not late for the event's highlight, right?" Putol nya sa katahimikang bumabalot sa amin dalawa. May bahid ng inis na humarap ako sa kanya nang makaliko kami pasilyo ng Academic building patungo sa school ground. The corridor is empty that's why it's fine for me to scold her as much as I like.
"Are you insane Elijah Montes? Tumakas ka ng ospital at nagpunta ka pa dito na walang kasama! Ano ka ba naman? Bakit ba napakahirap mong pagsabihan? Wala ka na ba talagang papakinggan? You're going to kill us worrying about you!" Galit ngunit may pagaalalang sabi ko sa babaeng ilang taon ko na din iniingatan sa puso ko. Hearing her question making it seems like she escaped just to watch the last event of our school festival, the Jam session.
"I'll be fine Hiro. Don't worry too much. Ayokong ma-miss ang first and last festival ko dito sa ADA. I have to stay in the hospital after this. Isa pa, ayokong palagpasin ang pagkakataon na mapanood si Shiro at ang banda nya. I want to support their first performance. Isa pa, masyadong maikili ang buhay na binigay sakin kaya ayokong masayang ang natitirang oras na meron ako sa pagmumukmok sa ospital. You should know me better than anyone else, Hiro. You're my best friend." Nakangiting sagot nya sakin ngunit mas tumatak sa isip ko ang huling salita na binitawan nya.
Best friend.
Yeah, for the past four years since I realized that I am in love with her, I've been labeled as the over protective best friend of Elijah. I've never been seen as a man who could love her wholeheartedly. Dahil kahit kailan ay hindi nya inisip na pwede ko syang mahalin ng higit pa sa dapat dahil nga magkababata kami.
I was sixteen years old when I realized that I'm looking at my childhood friend differently. Elijah and I were inseparable ever since we're kids. We both go at the same school and we are basically always together even when I have a girlfriend, I always choose Eli over them that's why my friends told me that the reason why I am always dumped is because I'm always making Eli my first priority of everything, I was lost for words. That's when I realized that certain feeling that I tried to ignore. Elijah was only fourteen at the time that's why I somehow, I still thought that maybe I'm just confused since we've been together since we're kids.
When I graduate from high school, out of confusion and some circumstances in our home, I left her and choose to study in ADA and stay at school dorms. That's when things get rough for me because when I left her, I realized that this feeling I have is not a simple infatuation, and there's my half-brother who entered the picture and took my place. I was against letting Shiro live in our house yet my dad still took him in when I started living in the school dorm. Nagulat na lang din ako nang minsang umuwi ako at makita ko sila ni Elijah na masayang tumutugtog ng piano. Of all the memories I have of Eli, I never once saw her gaze at someone so serene. I'm hurt deeply yet seeing her happy with my dad's illegitimate son, I can't do a thing. That's why all the feelings I have for her, I neglected it for several years, so in that manner, I won't lose her. But I didn't stop believing that maybe one day, she will fall in love with me too.
Pero sadyang napakalupit magbiro ng tadhana. It was too late when she was diagnosed with leukemia just when she started attending college here in ADA and of course, with my half-brother. I regretted every choice I made before when I learned that she only has little time to live. And as much as I wanted to suppress my neglected feelings, I think I'm already on my limit.
"I'm just worried." I said with a heavy feeling when I remember those regrettable moments again.
"I know. Thank you for taking care of me. I know I've been a pain in the ass. But I'm really thankful that you are my best friend. You're a great guy. I know because I've spent almost of my life with you." Her serene expression when she said that, stopped me on telling her those vexing words that I've been keeping to myself.
I sighed with a heavy heart. "I care because like you said, I'm your best friend." And because I love you more than you know. More than I should. Mahinahon kong sabi na sinarili na lamang ang huling pangungusap.
As much as I hate my cowardice, losing her because I told her my feelings is the one that scares me the most. Ayokong mawala ang huling pagkakataon na makakasama ko pa sya. Dahil aminin ko man sa sarili ko o hindi, alam kong wala ng kasiguraduhan na gagaling pa sya. At wala din kasiguraduhan na walang magbabago sa pagitan namin dalawa kung aaminin ko ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.
"That's why I'm so thankful that you're my best friend. And the fact that my best friend is Shiro's brother, it made me at peace. Alam kong hindi mo sya pababayaan gaya ng hindi mo ko pinabayaan." Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi nya pero hindi ko na kailangan pang magtanong dahil kita na sa mga mata nya ang sagot habang nakatanaw sa half-brother kong nasa di kalayuan kasama ang tatlo sa kabanda nito.
"When I'm gone please be on his side. Alam kong hanggang ngayon hindi mo pa sya tanggap. But let him soar high. Let him reach his dreams. Support him on the path that he will choose. Wag kayong magpatali sa tradisyon ng pamilya nyo. Be the best brother you could be, Aki." She said as if it's her last will.
Libu-libong karayon ang tila tumutusok sa puso ko sa mga binibitawan nyang salita. It's not that I didn't see this coming. I'm too engrossed on the idea of her falling in love with me through time. Akala ko, kapag naghintay pa ako ng kaunti ay magiging akin din ang puso nya. Na makikita nya din ako bilang lalaki na nagmamahal sa kanya ng higit pa sa inaakala nya. It seems like all my almost turned to never. Now I know why 'Almost' is the most painful English word.
"I have something to confess." Elijah said.
Ayoko na sanang marinig ang iba pang nilalaman ng puso nya ngunit tila naparalisa ako. Pakiwari ko'y nagmanhid ang buong sistema ko kasabay ng pagkawasak ng puso ko. At maging ang mundo ko ay nawalan ng kulay sa mga huling salita na umalpas sa mapuputla nyang mga labi.
"I love Shiro. I love him to the point that I'm willing to sell my soul to a devil just to make him mine until my last breath. Pero sadyang mas lamang ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya kesa sa kasakiman ko. Kaya sapat na sakin ang tanawin sya mula sa malayo na gaya ngayon." She said and looked at me with a wide smile. Hindi kakikitaan ng lungkot ang mga mata nya kahit kaunti. And that shattered my heart into bits.
"Why?" Why can't it be me? Bulong ko na pilit pinapatatag ang sarili.
"What?"
I looked away to hide the pain that my eyes are probably expressing. Laking pasalamat ko na lang din at malamlam ang ilaw ng kinaroroonan namin kaya hindi nya mapapansin ang pagbuo ng butil ng luha sa mga mata ko.
"Why keep it to yourself? You should tell him what you feel before it's too late." Just like how it was too late for me.
Tumawa sya ng pagak sa sinabi ko. Tawang kahit sinong makakarinig ay alam na puno iyon ng pagsuko.
"I'm almost on the dead-end alley. Wherever path I turn, I will always end up on the same place. So why take the risk? And besides, I don't want my feelings to be a burden for him. I'm dying soon. Ayokong iyon ang maging rason nya para tanggapin ang puso ko at alam ko din na walang patutunguhan ang lahat kahit pa sabihin ko sa kanya ang nararamdaman ko." Wika nya na hindi man lang kababakasan ng takot ang tinig. It was like she already accepted the fact that her time is running out and it's killing me.
I wanted to hold her in my arms but I know that I can't make her as happy as I want her to be. Kung meron man siguro akong magagawa, yun ay ang itulak sya sa direksyong tiyak na magbibigay ng katahimikan sa puso nya at kapayapaan sa puso ko dahil sa huling pagkakataon ng pagpapakatanga ko, ito ang alam kong hindi ko kailanman pagsisisihan dahil ginawa ko ang tama.
"As your best friend, I don't want you to have any more regrets. Kaya kahit ngayon lang sundin mo ang payo ko." Seryosong wika ko bago sya tinignan ng matiim sa mga mata. "Confess your love, Elijah. So that when the time really comes for you to reach that damn dead-end alley, you have something with you to look back. And that is the memory of when you let your love be felt and heard by that person." Pakiramdam ko ay nabawasan ang bigat sa dibdib ko nang ngumiti sya. Ngiting tila nagsasabing kailangan ko na syang bitawan para makalapit sya sa taong nagmamay-ari ng puso nya. Ngiting may dala man na kirot sa puso ko, alam kong sinasabi nun na tama ang desisyon ko.
"Should I really have to do that?" Alanganin nyang tanong habang nakatanaw sa taong nais nyang pag-alayan ng puso nya. "Hindi ba ako magiging pabigat?"
"You still have me. Best friend here." Kumakaway pang sabi ko sa kanya na ikinangiti nya.
"Thanks Hiro. I love you. You're the second person I love the most." She said and hugged me like it's the last time.
"I love you too." More than you do, that's why I'm letting you go, my first love. I whispered to her while keeping those thoughts to myself.
I tapped her back as if telling her to go. And she did, with a bright smile on her face.
"Go now. Magsisimula na ang session. Let your love be felt by that jerk." Nakangiti kong sabi kahit na ang totoo ay wala ng isasakit pa ang pagpapaubayang ginawa ko.
She nods and turns her back on me. But she stopped within a few steps and looked back.
"By the way Akihiro, to be honest, you used to be my first love. I realized that I love you when you started attending college. But I'm glad I didn't tell you. Dahil baka wala ka na sa tabi ko ngayon kung inamin ko yun noon. I don't want this to burden you but since It's you, I know you'll get over with it." She gave me a goofy smile just like before and left me, her first love to meet her last love.
Dahil sa mga salitang iniwan nya, tanggap ko na. We are on the same track at the same time but we both choose a different path that ended us here. And with those thoughts, I painfully surrender and let go of the arrow that cupid is forcefully taking back from me.
"Ikaw ba? Hindi ka ba magsisisi sa pinili mong desisyon?" Masuyong tanong ng isang tinig mula sa likod ko na tila kanina pa nakikinig sa paguusap namin ni Elijah base sa mga sumunod nya pang sinabi.
"You should have told her. It's your last chance but you let it slip away. That's not how love should be. Ikaw mismo ang hindi sumunod sa payo mo na, love should be felt and heard." She said and revealed herself. It was none other than Marcielle Anne Arciega, Elites' Drummer and Shiro's bandmate.
Nagulat man ako sa sinabi nya ay hindi ko iyon ipinahalata. Sa halip ay muli kong tinanaw ang likod ng babaeng pinili kong pakawalan dahil pinalampas ko na ang pagkakataon na meron ako noon.
"Maraming paraan kung paano mo ipapakita ang pagmamahal mo. As for me, kahit alam kong hindi nya iyon maririnig, alam kong maipapadama ko iyon sa kanya. By letting her go to the man she loves now. And besides, whatever path I take, we can never be if she too, chose differently. Siguro mali lang talaga na minahal ko sya ng higit pa sa dapat." Seryoso kong sabi na tinawanan nya lang ng pagak.
"Kahit kailan hindi mali ang magmahal."
Tinignan ko sya ng matiim. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan kong magpaliwanag sa taong ngayon ko lang nakausap pero nakakapagtaka man isipin ay hindi ako makaramdam ng inis sa ginagawa nyang panghihimasok sa buhay ko. Is it because I was just left heartbroken?
"So saan ako nagkamali? Sa taong pinili kong mahalin?"
Umiling lang sya bago tinanaw si Elijah at si Shiro na nag-uusap na ngayon sa di kalayuan.
"Ang pagkakamali mo lang, nagmahal ka lang pero hindi mo pinanindigan." Her words left me speechless.
"You had a lot of chances but you chose to keep silent. Oo nga na ang puso ang nagtatakda kung sino ang dapat mong mahalin. At ang isip ang nagdidikta ng dapat mong gawin. Pero palagi naman ninyong pinaglalaban ang puso't isip nyo sa tuwing nagmamahal kayo. Bakit hindi nyo sila subukan pag-isahin? Once your heart and mind act as one, that's what real love is. Pinapanindigan ng isip ang ibinubulong ng puso." Paliwanag nya. Nanatili naman akong tahimik dahil hindi ko alam pano sasagutin ang mga sinabi nya.
"So next time when cupid hit you again with his cruel arrow, do everything just to make that person see your existence, your heart, and even your soul if possible. It's okay to be selfish once in a while don't you think? After all, hindi mo naman ipipilit yung nararamdaman mo eh, sasabihin at ipaparamdam mo lang sa tamang paraan." Dugtong nya bago ako tinapik sa balikat at nilagpasan para puntahan ang mga kabanda nya.
I found myself smiling like a lunatic with tears dripping in my eyes while watching that person's back. Every word she said echoes in my head. And as I found my world gaining back its color, I started picking up every bit of my shattered heart.
While waiting for my new beginning,
I promised not to be lured again on Cupid's playful plot.