June 2015
"Hiro, what's up?" Musika sa pandinig ang boses na iyon ni Cielle ng tawagan ko sya. Just hearing her sweet voice, all my exhaustion from work fades in an instant.
"Kamusta ka?" Tanong ko na agad naman nyang sinagot ng napakahabang litanya.
It's been two months since I last saw her and I miss her so bad. Kung pwede nga lang na lumipad na ako pabalik ng Pilipinas ay ginawa ko na kung hindi lang sa mga responsibilidad ko. I've been working as the new CEO of The Empire, one of the well-known Hotel in Japan that has branches in other Asian countries. After coming here in Japan, I realized that it's not as easy as I thought it would be. Dad retired right after I graduated because of his health problems that we didn't know about. Kaya naman wala akong ibang choice kundi ang gawin ang lahat ng makakaya ko para hindi mawalan ng saysay ang lahat ng pinaghirapan nya. Kahit pa ang kapalit nun ay ang matagal kong pamamalagi sa Japan.
"Ikaw kamusta ka? I think you're not bored as I am. Pasalamat talaga ako na meron akong mga kaibigan na makukulit. Kahit papano nagkaroon naman ng saysay ang bakasyon ko. Kaya bumalik din ako agad sa dorm kahit na may one-week pa bago ang klase." Pagpapatuloy nya na nagpabalik sakin sa kamalayan.
"I'm not bored but I can't keep thinking about you. Walang araw na hindi kita naiisip." Seryosong wika ko na bahagya nyang ikinatawa.
"Why? Miss mo na ang dyosa mong best friend no?"
Ibang klaseng lungkot ang bumalot sa puso ko sa naging sagot nya. Hindi ko alam kung nakalimutan nya ang tungkol sa naging pag-amin ko sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya o sadyang ito ang sagot nya sa nararamdaman ko. She doesn't sound different even after I told her about my feelings.
The night before the day of my flight, I tried to talk to her about my confession but I didn't get the perfect timing for it. Sa dami ng dumalo sa graduation party ko, halos hindi na kami nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na magkasarilinan. Even the day of my flight, I didn't get the chance to talk to her about it. But I still keep on conveying my feelings even I'm apart from her. Sa kasamaang-palad, mukhang hindi talaga umaabot sa pintuan man lang ng puso nya ang damdamin ko.
"I miss you, Cielle. So bad." Wika ko na halos pabulong na lang pero sapat na upang marinig nya.
"I miss you too, Hiro. I wish you were here. I miss spending time with my best friend on days like this." She answered normally that really breaks my heart into a thousand pieces.
Best friend. Iyon na naman ba ang papel ko sa buhay nya? I'm wondering why? Why do I keep on taking roles of supporting leads?
Nagmahal ka lang pero hindi mo pinanindigan.
Cielle's words from the first time we talked struck me. I once loved and let destiny handle everything but it leads to my first heart break. At alam kong maaari akong matalo sa pagsugal ko sa isang bagay na walang kasiguraduhan, ginawa ko pa din ang lahat. I didn't let the chance slip away again like before because I wanted to be defeated after giving my all in this fight unlike the first time. But even now that I'm not doing the same thing back then, why I still can't be the one?
Pinanindigan ko naman ang nararamdaman ko, bakit kulang pa din?
Humugot ako ng malalim na buntong-hininga upang kumuha ng lakas ng loob. Minsan ko ng nasabi ang nararamdaman ko. Panahon na siguro para ulit-ulitin ko sa iyon sa kanya. Because if I didn't, she will just take it as a joke or something.
"Cielle..."
"Hmm..."
"I love you. And I don't want to be the best friend you wanted me to be. I don't need that label nor asked for it. I hope you haven't forgotten that." Saglit syang natahimik sa kabilang linya.
Narinig ko ang malalim nyang pagbuntong-hininga na tila ba iyon na ang hudyat para itigil nya na ang pagkukunwari. Na hindi nya na matatakasan pa ang katotohanan sa mga kilos ko't salita. Na ito na ang tatapos sa papel ko bilang best friend nya lang.
"Hiro..."
"I don't want you to answer my feelings right away, Cielle. I'm just telling you what I really feel about you because I wanted to end the role you gave me, the role as your best friend." Pagsisimula ko na ikinatahimik nya.
I sigh.
"You once told me, that I just love Eli, but didn't take responsibility of that love I have for her. That's why right now, I'm taking responsibility of what I feel for you. Kahit na alam kong magiging kapilit nun ay ang friendship natin dalawa. I love you enough for me to sacrifice our friendship just to make you hear, knew and feel my love. Kahit na alam kong pwede akong matalo, handa akong isugal lahat para lang hindi ako magsisi na gaya dati." Seryosong wika ko.
Nanatili syang tahimik at saglit na dumaan ang mahabang katahimikan samin dalawa na tila ba tinitimbang ang sasabihin namin para sa isa't isa.
My heart is pounding so fast that it somehow makes it hard to breath. I never knew that telling what's on my mind and on my heart is so damn scary but at the same time, parang nabawasan ang bigat na nararamdaman ko mula ng dumating ako dito sa Japan.
"I'm grateful, Hiro. I really am." Pagsisimula nya na nagpabalik sa kamalayan ko at tuluyan pumutol sa katahimikang namamagitan sa amin dalawa.
"To be honest, I've been thinking about it since you left. Akala ko nga hindi mo na i-oopen ulit ang tungkol sa bagay na yan. I wanted you to hear my answer." Ramdam ko ang kaba sa tono ng pananalita nya pero nanatili akong tahimik.
Somehow, I feel that whatever she's going to say, it will either make me or break me. But I'm actually expecting the latter. Hinanda ko na ang sarili ko sa posibleng magiging sagot nya.
"I am truly grateful about your feelings but Hiro... I love him." She said after a moment of deliberating with herself on how to tell me what she feels.
I kept silent. Trying to hold back my tears in the other line.
"And just like you, I want to take full responsibility of the risk for loving Vaughn. I won't say sorry, because I know that you wouldn't want that."
I smiled and accepted my defeat. I knew it. I'm expecting it.
Tatlong salita, walong letra.
Minsan na din iyong dumurog sa puso ko, pero hindi ko akalain na mas masakit pala marinig iyon sa ikalawang pagkakataon na sumugal ako.
Tatlong salita, walong letra. Pareho ng bilang pantig, pero kahulugan ay kailanman...
Di magtutugma.