Ziamani Asaya
The day Lee Yora's life ended, was the day mine began.
I have never considered what was good for someone else, I only ever cared about myself. That was how I was brought up, and how I expected everyone was until the day everything changed. How is a blackbird ever gonna fly you ask, I'll tell you. In this world where I want to be successful, I have learnt multiple cheat codes in which I could use to fly. My mistake, was that I didn't use them right and so my wings were cut off even before I had the chance to soar.
Before you ask, I will tell you who I am. You were meant to know anyway. Ziamani Asaya is my name, everyone calls me Zia though, a Japanese Zambian girl and a trainee under SH entertainment for the past five years. Five years of my life since I turned thirteen has been spent training, hoping for a debut that never came, until now.
"Zia, did you hear about Yora? It is such sad news," Chloe, one of my fellow trainees commented as we made it to the practice room that morning.
The news was all over the internet, our company buzzed with it. Lee Yora of DAZE girl group commited suicide just yesterday evening and their debut was just in a month.
Everyone felt bad for her, everyone wondered why she had done that when she was so close to her success. Even before their debut, DAZE already had the fame that already debuted girl groups never had, it was absurd that Yora had taken her life when they were in the limelight.
While everyone wanted to know what was wrong, I deemed her stupid, annoyed that she had thrown away what I had tried to attain for five years into the wind just like that. I found it repulsive and thought nothing justified her acts, no matter what she was going through, she could have held it in. Was that not what we were taught was the life of an idol? Walk through it through thick or thin.
"She was such a bubbly girl, she didn't deserve whatever made her take her own life," Chloe continued.
I grunted a reply to Chloe and found my way to the back of the studio and began to stretch in preparation. I would have loved to ask Chloe why she was so sympathetic about Yora when in reality she would jump at taking the girl's place if she was ever given the chance.
I did not ask her eventually because it was I who was given the opportunity to wear Yora's shoes.
"Zia?" I sat straight up when Miss Susan walked into the room, my name that was a familiar word on her lips had a more harder tone to it today that made me wonder what in heaven's name was happening.
"Yes ma'am," I answered nevertheless, smoothing my sweatshirt as I rose to my feet.
"Come with me."
I could feel the eyes of the other girls on me as I picked up my bottle of water and followed Susan out, I could hear their whispers of curiosity but even I was also curious as I knew they were but yet I kept my blank face like I had always known how to do.
Miss Susan led me into the west wing of the SH building, and into Manager Lacy's office. Manager Lacy was the one in charge of all the girl groups and trainees SH had, and now that Miss Susan was leading me to her office I knew this was not just an ordinary meeting. When has any of us trainees ever had a one on one discussion with Manager Lacy anyway?
Manager Lacy sat at her desk, her signature glasses perched on her nose as she regarded Miss Susan and I.
"Susan. You are here," she stated. "And with Zia," she added.
"Good morning, Manager Lacy," I greeted.
"Morning Zia, come sit while Susan would excuse us for a while."
I was right, this was no ordinary meeting.
Susan stepped out of the room, closing the door behind us and leaving me with Manager Lacy who kept staring at me with a newfound admiration that I had never seen before.
"You could take a guess at why you are," she started finally, giving me a breath of fresh air even though I still felt nerves wrecking my entire body. "But then I will save you the stress and say it once and for all," she continued calmly.
"Lee Yora is gone and we need a replacement for her in the group, and you are the best fit for her position."
It felt like a bucket of ice had been dumped all over me when she spoke those words. I think I literally froze, because the next thing I hear was Manager Lacy shouting my name like I wasn't sitting before her. "Zia Asaya!"
I flinched back into the moment, blinking rapidly. "Ma'am." My voice shook when I answered.
"You must be surprised, right?"
Of course I was surprised, I had expected nothing of this nature when Miss Susan asked that I come with her. The news was way beyond what I could fathom, way beyond what I could even digest.
"I am surprised," I replied truthfully.
"Don't be. You have worked hard, and you deserve this opportunity."
That was all she was going to say. No explanation, despite the fact that Yora had only just been confirmed dead this morning. The fast replacement was alarming, but I did not complain because I would take anything as long as it was my card to success, and if Yora's death was going to be my ladder, then so be it.
"Thank you Manager Lacy." I sat straight, allowing the shock to die away and embracing the fact that my life was about to take a huge turnaround.
[]
When I said I never cared about anyone but myself, I meant it to a T. Today was the day I was to be introduced to the DAZE girls as Lee Yora's replacement exactly two weeks after her death and burial rites. After so much personal and late night trainings with Miss Susan and the looks of jealousy the other trainees gave me when they heard I was finally going to debut and with DAZE girls of all. I could not but hear their theories of how I might have called in favors with Miss Susan because I was allegedly her favorite trainee. Not like I cared what they said, in fact I didn't give two cents about their thoughts.
The DAZE dormitory was a five minute ride from the company, and as we neared the gates, I could feel my nerves rise.
"We are here," Manager Lacy announces. "It's time to meet your new teammates."
Meeting my new teammates should be a dream come true, but immediately the three DAZE girls set their eyes on me. I knew this was going to be harder than I could have imagined.
"It's her," the eldest whose name I knew as Ana scoffed. "Yora's replacement."
"Good morning," I greeted, lowering my head in courtesy. "I look forward to working with you."
"I don't," the second spat out bitterly. Yujin was her name.
"Yujin!" Manager Lacy snapped. "Be nice."
"You just had to replace Yora as soon as you could, right?" Haram, the last one who did not even give me as little as a glance when I came in spoke up.
"You were going to kick her out if she didn't die anyway," she finished.
I gulped, clenching my fists at the hostility that radiated from the three girls who I was supposed to be teamed with for the next seven years. I suddenly wondered how I was going to cope if I was nothing to them other than Yora's replacement.
"You girls should get familiar with yourselves, because your official training for your rescheduled debut starts tomorrow," Manager Lacy said, not replying to any of their jabbings. She turned to me. "You will share a room with Haram." And with that she left me in the midst of girls that looked like they would smolder me to death if given the chance to.
That night, I could not help the feeling that worried me as I thought back to what Haram had said to manager Lacy. I wondered what she meant when she said Yora would have been replaced even if she had not died. I wondered if there was something Manager Lacy and SH entertainment was not saying about Yora's alleged suicide.
Haram was quiet as I followed her into the room we were supposed to share. I wasn't expecting her to speak to me though, actually I was not expecting any of them to warm up to me instantly. It was one thing to lose a team member and it was another thing to get a replacement barely weeks after she was laid to rest. But then I was selfish, I always was and I was not going to take the non-friendly atmosphere to heart. I was here to be the kpop idol of my dreams and nothing and no one was going to stop me, not even a dead girl.
Haram's bed was by the window side while mine was opposite hers. My bedside table was empty so I quietly unpacked, setting my essentials into the drawers and placing my clothes in the wardrobe that was beside it.
"Don't you feel uneasy at all?" I paused at the sound of Haram's voice, realizing that she was watching me with a skeptical look on her face.
"What?" I questioned like I did not understand what she meant when in fact I did so well.
"You don't feel uneasy waltzing in and taking a dead girl's place?" She repeated with more clarity.
"An opportunity is an opportunity, no matter what form it takes," I stated firmly.
Haram stared at me in disbelief. "Can you even hear yourself?"
"Do not speak like that when we both know you would take this opportunity if you were in my shoes," I countered.
That shut her up and I went back to sorting my stuff out, inhaling deeply and trying to reassure myself that I was doing the right thing.
The streets were bare as I stepped out of DAZE dorms that evening. SH had really chosen a quiet place in seoul to rent the girls dorm in. Music blasted in my ear as I walked into a convenience store of which its light was the only thing that illuminated the moonless night.
"Zia Asaya."
I heard his voice before I saw him, the boy whose voice alone was the bane of my existence. A familiar fear gripped me as I shakily turned to face him. He was the same as always, tall, lean and intimidating. He grinned, his ever present dimples popping.
"To see you here of all places, what a pleasant surprise it is, Zia."