Kamari Ese Avena
My life has always been a rollercoaster of disasters I must confess, never for once have I known tranquillity for a stretch of time.
I don't move. I cannot move, even as the rain gets heavier, and I am getting drenched. I try not to recall, I try not to recall Ben Yusei's words but they are there, like the pain from a sting bite, constantly aching.
"Kamari! Kamari, it's raining, you are gonna catch a cold!"
I should not reply to him I should not acknowledge his existence after what I just heard, but I like to think of myself as stupid and void of rational decisions so I turn to him, my tears mixing with the rain falling down my cheeks.
"I would ask you why you care, but you and I both know you are only looking for someone to fill her space." The reality hurts as I say it. God, how clueless could I have been to think that someone who hated me days ago would suddenly want me around?
"It is not what you think Kamari," he refuses and I wonder why he is so calm, under the rain as if all this was not offensive.
"I told you not to call me Kamari, and what? Not what I think? What do I think, pray tell me, Seven Yusei?"
"It is certainly not what you think," Seven insists now standing very close to me while we both miserably bask in the curse of the rain.
"My Father has no idea what he is speaking about, I promise you."
I scoff at his words. " Did you, or did you not bring Elle to your Family?"
"It was a one-time thing, and that was because she insisted on coming," he argues.
"But yet you told me you were not friends," I counter him, my voice raising a notch. "People do not bring their 'not friends' into their home," I retort sarcastically with an air quote.
The cold is starting to get to me and I know any moment from now I will start sneezing and I will have a runny nose but my obstinacy will not let me back down from this argument. Oh, how my heart aches at the thought again.
"Can we leave the rain Kamari, and I'll tell you everything," Seven pleads.
I roll my eyes, tempted to agree but I don't so I turn around without replying to him and start stalking away.
[]
Getting back to the dorms took me an hour and thirty minutes because I had stayed at the bus station till the bus arrived which took about forty-five minutes.
Seven did not follow me when I left I must tell you, and oh how it ripped my fragile heart to pieces and left my pride trampled upon so badly. How much more do I have to lose because of a girl who is six feet under?
I must warn you that my story is not one of self redeeming, perhaps you think I would have a soft spot for Elle even after hearing the rumours surrounding her death, but see I hate her even more now and I wish she were alive not for anything else, but just to tell how much of my life her existence had ruined and how much her nonexistence is ruining more.
I am no saint I tell you, so bear with me as I rant about my life going down the drain because of Elle Avena.
"Oh my God, you are soaked!" Jenna exclaims when she sees me fondling with my keys to open the door.
"It seems like that," I answer.
"Where did you go, I've knocked on your door thrice for the past hour, you were not in and now here you are, soaked from the rain."
"I stepped out for a little while and I got ambushed by the rain," I explain, leaving out the details of where I had been. I am not in the mood to dig into a detailed explanation of what happened between Seven and me, especially not to Jenna, or even anyone else.
Jenna cocks her brow at me, and I can tell she knows there is some more I am not telling her but she does not press on, instead, she asks where she can find my towel so she can help dry my braids. On a normal day, I would refuse her help, but right now I do not think I am in the right state of mind to be modest.
"It is in the wardrobe," I tell her. "The right side."
Jenna brings the towel quietly and sits beside me as she proceeds to gently towel dry my hair. As she does this, she reminds me of Sayuri, my childhood friend and somehow I just know that Jenna is going to be the one friend that is my haven, right here in RAAS.
When she is done, my braids feel less heavier than before and water is not dripping from it anymore. I heave a sigh and say to Jenna; "Thank you."
She frowns. "I did not do this for a thank you, Mari. I can tell something happened wherever you went and although I feel I am not close enough to be considered your friend, I would wish you do not keep your feelings bottled up inside of you. Speak to someone about it, it does not have to be me. Say something before it becomes too late." She finishes speaking and walks out of my room silently.
I watch Jenna's back as she leaves and I feel as though she speaks from experience.
[]
The next day, I walk into class with only one goal in mind and that is to try to stay away from Seven, and I surely wish I could do it but yet again who am I kidding? It is quite pitiful how my gaze eagerly meets his when he steps in with that aura of his, one that felt like he had the class in his palms.
Seven Yusei is like a spell, cast up on us all and so we can see nothing but him, as if looking into a crystal ball.
It is in times like this I wish we do not have allocated spaces in this specific class because he is just right behind me while Mika sits beside me.
"Mari? Where were you yesterday? You were not in your room when I came to call you for dinner," Mika asks just minutes before the lecturer walks on.
I try not to look at Seven when she asks the question and I know it would be a disaster if I tell Mika that I was with him. "I was at the library," I choose to lie instead.
Seven hears me, I know he does but he chooses to say nothing instead. That should be a win for him since I already pointedly told him to stay away from me, but why does my gaze seem to gravitate towards him, why does my hand itch to touch him?
I must be insane, I conclude.
The class goes on for the next two hours and while I try my best to concentrate, it is all futile because nothing the lecturer says registers in my head. By the end of the class, I am so exhausted that I want to cry. Mika starts to move close to me but I am out of her lair before she can blink. I am in no mood to speak to her or any of her friend group at that. They are all starting to rub me off in the wrong way.
For the first time, I find my feet leading me to the art department building. My gaze longingly drags along each class. I peek inside, subtly wishing I was one of them. I miss art, I miss the art classes I took at Eden, from sculpting to painting and down to creative writing and then photography. I miss them all, and once again I am reminded of what Elle has taken from me and a new sort of blind rage washes over me.
I want to hit something so bad.
This is new, it is the first time this kind of thought crosses my mind. I am not okay.
I scrambled away from the art department, stumbling over my steps as I make it to the gym. Another first for me at RAAS is entering into the gym building.
The urge to hit something keeps building up in me and I try as much as possible to suppress it, breathing through my mouth as if that would help.
I have no time to analyse what the gym looks like but at the far end, I see the punching bags hanging from the ceiling. That is what I am looking for. I make my way towards it, thankfully that the place is empty so I can have it all to myself. I pick up the wraps and roll it over my hands and then I stand before the punching bag as if waiting for a roll call.
One.
Two
I throw the first punch. My insides burn. My tears threaten to fall.
Another one. My head aches. My sight seems to fail me.
Another one. I see her face, hovering around like she belongs here.
Another one. I want to tell her that she does not belong here or anywhere around me for that matter.
How do I let this go? How do I let this agonising pain of not belonging go away?
By the time I stop punching, it feels like I have exhausted all of my energy and I find myself collapsing on the floor with a heavy thud.
"You pack a fine punch I must confess."
The voice is unfamiliar so I turn to face who had spoken, greeted with a smiley face of a guy I do not think I have met before.
"Do I know you?" I question in between breaths.
"Perhaps not," he answers with a shrug. "I am Rhaj Kaan.
"Nuru's brother?" I ponder. The one whose birthday Mika kept fussing about.
"The one and only," he answers. "And you must be the infamous Avena, Mari?"
"I am Mari."
I stand to my feet, noticing how Rhaj Kaan towers over me. I want to ask him how he knows me and what he means by me being infamous but I can already guess that Nuru, had probably blabbered about me to her brother and I can just guess the topic of discussion is, 'Elle's wannabe sister.' How pathetic.
"Mari," he repeats as if trying to figure out how well my name sounds on his lips. "It is a pleasure meeting you."