Kamari Ese Avena
Only Mika, Arlo and I are at the table, I wonder If it is because of their argument this morning that the rest of them are not available. Obviously.
Speaking has always been a problem for me, how do you start a conversation and not make it feel awkward? The noisy cafeteria does nothing to calm my anxiety, my happy mood has long deflated since I spent four hours trying to understand Equations in Math class and binary languages in Computer class. So far, I do not have any favourite class in Rain, and I might never.
"Are you always this quiet, Mari?"
Arlo's voice brings me back to our table, he cocks his head to the side, eyes trained on me as if trying to uncover my secrets. Do I even have any? Maybe. Maybe not.
"Not everyone enjoys talking," I reply.
"So you are 'not everyone', yeah?" He says, air quoting the not everyone.
I shrug. "You could say that."
I glance at Mika. She is quiet, twirling her fork on her plate absentmindedly, she is here but her eyes tell that she is so far away. As if on cue, she snaps back into reality. "Do you think they would still come?" She asks Arlo.
They would probably mean the rest of them. "I don't know, Mika. Why are you so concerned about other people?"
"Because they are our friends. Can't you tell that they are going through shit? And it is our duty as friends to find out what's wrong."
Arlo scoffs. "Our duty as friends? Do they even see you as a friend? To them you are always in their business, always trying to know what is going on in their life. No one wants that. Not Iris, Not Nuru, and not even Seven, okay! Jeez!"
"Even you? Is that what you think of me?" Mika's voice comes out as a strained whisper, I can hear the pain in her voice as she stares expectantly at Arlo, begging silently that he would not reply in affirmation. Only if wishes were horses.
"Even me. You need to learn to keep your nose out of people's business, Yimika," he replies, grabs his tray of food and walks away from our table. Their table.
"He left," She mumbles, although she is not looking at me, it is quite obvious that she is speaking to me. I do not know what to say. Confusion feels like the right word to describe this scene right now.
He left.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," Mika says after some minutes of silence. I wonder why she always apologises, why she always seems to carry the weight for everyone and yet they do not seem to see it. I know nothing, but I know this is far from healthy, I know eventually her mental health will suffer from the pressure of trying to make everything right. I know because that was me for a long time, and even now because it is for that same reason that I ended up in RAAS. Pleasing people — My father especially.
"Why are you apologising?" I find myself asking. "Why do you always apologise, Mika? What happened is not your fault, which means you shouldn't be the one trying to clean up the mess your friends created."
Mika shakes her head at my question. "You don't understand," she tells me. "You cannot understand."
"What? What exactly can I not understand? Since I got here you've always been the one trying to make peace even when they don't care and that is not right, you know that!" The words rush out of my mouth, and I cannot help but wonder if I am speaking to Mika, or myself.
Mika seems surprised at my outburst, I will be surprised too because so far, the most words I have spoken to her were probably words of greeting or replying to how my classes went.
"I thought you said you do not talk much?" Mika laughs as she asks me that, the laughter not quite reaching her eyes.
I clear my throat. "I just—"
"Maybe you are not that quiet after all, Mari," she concludes.
I shrug. Maybe. Maybe I just never found the chance to speak up, and now that I did, it feels more refreshing.
"Can I join you both?" My heart almost flies out of my chest at the sudden voice. Mika seems just as shocked as I am. We both raise our heads to see Seven Yusei towering over our table with his tray of food in hand.
"Can I join you?" He repeats, but this time his ocean blue eyes are trained on me, and I notice that it looks less lifeless than it always does.
I gulp. "Sure," I say and Mika nods in agreement with me.
Like always, I am transfixed by this boy, impaled by his sheer mysteriousness.
"I didn't know you were going to come back," Mika says.
Seven shrugs like it is no big deal. "Food is life, isn't that what they say?"
And in a few minutes, the bubbly Mika is out and she is chatting away with Seven, even though Seven is barely replying to her, that is if grunts and nods will be counted as replying, the feeling comes again — the feeling of not belonging. I guess this is why I never talk much, because people tend to forget I exist. It is easier for me to fade into the background than it is for me to blend in. Pathetic, I know.
Wishing desperately that the lunch break will be over as soon as possible so I can leave and stop feeling like a third wheel, I proceed to finish my food. When I am done, it is then the bell rings and I have a sigh of relief. I am about to gather my tray but then firm warm hands clasp my wrist making me pause.
Wide-eyed, I glance up at Seven, his hands still on me and in my peripheral vision, I see Mika already departing. I had been so lost in my thoughts that I did not know when she stood up.
"Did you forget?" Seven inquires, his lips so dangerously close to my ear.
"Forget what?"
"Did you forget your extra lessons with me, Kamari?" It is a question, a harmless question that makes me blink twice.
"I thought you did not want to tutor me?" I argue, remembering that he had seemed so pissed at me when he had first tried to tutor me.
"Wishful thinking. You cannot get rid of me that easily." He does not smile, but the corner of his eyes crinkles giving me more life to his almost emotionless face. "You should come meet me after classes today," he concludes.
I should have known, that since the first day I had been quite taken by the enigma that was Seven Rai Yusei that even just one word from him would make me follow him wherever he wanted. Unhealthy thinking is what this is, after all, I have only known him for three days.
Only if we knew, that the string of fate was no respecter of time.
[]
My third day in Rain and I already feel like a fraud. I am a fraud, made to do the things I would not necessarily do if things were different. My backpack feels heavy on me as I make my way to the library, and as I sullenly pass by each building, my fingers itch to hold my camera even in my exhausted state. Just a few clicks, maybe I would be okay.
As if on cue, I hear a click, the familiar loud shutter of a camera. Instinctively, I turn to the direction of the sound and I see the owner of the camera. Fiery red hair, dark eyes just like mine, and a smile that reminded me of the lilies Mia grew in our flower garden.
"Hi?"
"Hi!" She grins, her eyes crinkling with excitement as she approaches me. My envious gaze regards her camera before dragging back to her cheery face. Envious of the fact that she can wield a freedom that I do not have.
"Hi," she repeats. "I am Jenna. Jenna Ottila, I am new here."
I blink at her easiness to mingle. I will never have approached anyone like she has just done. "I am Mari," I tell her. "Kamari Avena."
"Avena? The name sounds familiar."
I cannot help but roll my eyes at her statement. Of course, the name sounds familiar. Jenna stares at me as if waiting for my answer to her questioning statement. "Avena tech," I tell her, my Father is the CEO and Founder.
"Ah right," she muses. "That explains it."
"It does," I agree.
There is an awkward silence that ensues between us, with me constantly trying not to stare too much at her camera and with her staring blatantly at me. Or rather, my hair.
"You have such beautiful hair," she says.
I gulp. "Thank you." I don't wait for another reply from her before I hurry away.
<>
It rained this evening after school was over, and I stood in the rain.
Do you know how it feels to stand in the rain? How does it feel as the skies cry on you? It feels like you have reached freedom at last, like you have attained that which you have wished for, for a long time. That was how I felt.
Free-spirited, carefree. But it's only for a little while. The rain ceased, and reality struck again. I am still here, in RAAS living Elle's life.
Water drops endlessly from my clothes as I make my way back to my room. The cloudy look of the sky has dispatched long after the rain ceased which was like thirty minutes ago. The hall is void of students, I guess everyone is cramped inside because of the rain.
When I get to my door, my fingers freeze on the knob as I unconsciously look down the hallway to the last room. It is his room, I had known that since the night of the party.
"You should come meet me after classes today," he had said. All through my classes, that sentence kept ringing in my head. I do not want to think about why because thinking would eventually lead me to conclusions, and conclusions were never my thing. I hated getting to the end of things, whether it was a book or a movie. I disliked knowing there was an end.
Should I go? Should I not?
Fifteen minutes later, armed with my study notes and my laptop, my legs take me to Seven's door. With shaky breaths and trembling hands, I knock. There is no time to take it back, I won't be able to.
The door opens instantly like he had been standing at the entrance waiting for my arrival. Awkwardly, I raise my hands and wave at him. "Hi."
"You are here," he says quietly like he cannot believe it.
"You told me to come," I answer. "Can I come in?" I think seconds pass by before he pushes the door open completely to let me in.
They say a person's room gives you more insight into what they are like and when I look around Seven's room, I strongly want to beg to differ.
Seven Yusei's room is not what I expected it to be. I didn't expect the artwork lined on his white-painted wall, and neither did I expect that drawing staring right at me. The drawing of the sea.
I would know it anywhere, because Elle once brought it home, bragging about how she was the one her friend had drawn it for. But how is it here in Seven's room when he made it clear that they were not friends?