The month of August passed with muted colours and deathly heat. The Kazekage remained unseen most of the time; he very rarely left the palace and the village felt the pain of his loss. Sunagakure was living as though in mourning; the festive and jubilant atmosphere that Ai and Gaara's relationship had created was no replaced with a sombre and even bitter ambience. Villagers would pass by the palace, hoping to sneak a glimpse of the Kazekage as he walked from a meeting to his office but there was no sign of him; the palace seemed empty.
Only Gaara's siblings knew of what was happening behind closed doors; Gaara remained in silence most days, only speaking to them if he needed work done urgently. The Kazekage sometimes missed meetings or cancelled his lessons with elders and other shinobi at short notice. Gaara had drawn back into himself; barely uttering a word to anyone, not greeting his students with the usual nod of his head. Twice that month, Temari or Kankuro would find Gaara slumped over his office desk, breathing heavy, an empty bottle of sake rolling under his desk. Temari could barely stand it; her little brother had had to endure so much and now he had to intoxicate himself when the pain of being alone became too much. He had hated the taste, the smell, the feeling of intoxication only a month ago. Now, however, it seemed he was living to plan the nights where he could get away with it. It was, in Temari's opinion, the sick and twisted fate of a childhood of neglect. Not only that, Kankuro mused, it was this bizzare, almost magical, fantastical experience Gaara was having that caused him to drink. He mumbled to them in his unconscious state about hearing Ai's voice, about hearing Shukaku. Kankuro had ever suggested Gaara come with him, back to the Tea House, to remember that there are other women out there in the world. But it was no use. The siblings were at their wits end; who could they call upon to talk sense into their little brother?
It was Temari who thought of her. Hana-sama, Gaara's tutor in everything outside of the shinobi world, was a kind and pragmatic woman. With an aged face, thin and translucent like paper, Hana came with wisdom and grace to rival any scholar. Surely she, who had watched Gaara grow up, who had taught him since childhood, would know a few wise words to say to this lost soul?
Now, she ascended the steps to his office, taking slow, careful steps, wincing at the pain in her hips with every movement. She wore a simple, blossom pink kimono and had her hair tied in her usual tight bun that sat proudly on top of her head. As she approached the door to the Kazekage's office, she panted a little, reflecting on the fact that it was clear she was not long for this world. Without knocking, she entered Gaara's office.
"What is this selfish nature of yours, Kazekage, that you refuse to see me three weeks in a row?" As she spoke, Gaara jumped slightly, away from his book shelf from which he had taken a brown aged book from. He bowed to her as she entered, his long red cloak licking the floor as he did so.
"My deepest apologies, Hana-sama," he sounded sincere and stood again, "I have been busy with work-"
"Nonsense." As she spoke, she noticed Gaara stop as though she was going to carry on, as though she was going to make the conversation a little more light-hearted. But the woman did not; she simply called his excuse nonsense and stood waiting for him to say more. The Kazekage was a little disturbed by this sudden interruption and recovered from it before walking over to his desk and saying casually:
"I-I have a backlog of missions to review-"
"Nonsense." Again, Gaara stopped at his desk chair. That single word that saw right through him. He had been ignoring her and everyone else in his council, but Gaara thought he was doing it very stealthily. It seemed Hana-sama was not buying into his ruse.
"They are," Gaara spoke slowly, lowering himself into his chair, trying to figure out if she had figured him out, "pressing matters."
"Non-"
"Do you have nothing else to say?" The Kazekage spoke abruptly, almost shocked when Hana-sama helped herself to a seat opposite him, practically inviting herself into his life. The boy and woman stared at one another. She took in the sight of his skin which was looking grey and tired, his eyes, usually clear ocean pools, were now stained with red. It was clear Gaara was not as well as he claimed he was. A delicate breeze entered the office and twirled around them as they continued their standoff.
"It has been almost a month since her departure, Gaara-kun." The boy's gaze finally broke away from his teacher's; he could not bear to think about Ai. "Will you not return to your usual routine now?" Gaara swallowed hard.
"I'm afraid I can't." The first truthful thing he had said all month. Gaara knew he could not fool someone who had experienced as much of life as Hana-sama had; she knew every face a person could make, every emotion they could feel. There was no use keeping up a guard. Hana folded her arms and raised an eyebrow.
"Oh?"
"I do not know what my usual routine is anymore; I feel as though my life has been torn apart." Gaara looked to the floor and spoke softly. "I am in pieces; I do not know how to put myself back together. I fumble from task to task, hoping for some guidance but there is none." He looked to her as though pleading, "there is none because I am supposed to be in control of everything. I am the guider not the guided and yet I sit here hoping someone else will take the reigns." Gaara stopped speaking quickly; he could hear his voice about to break. He was finding it difficult to cope with the title he had been given. Without Ai, his strength was slowly withering away. He found that he could not face the world anymore.
"The role of Kazekage was never given to anyone who was weak of heart or spirit; you are strong, Gaara-kun, you will see this to the end." Hana spoke clearly and with good advice. But the Kazekage looked up at her with the same tired eyes.
"To what end?" Upon hearing this, Hana smiled to herself.
"You are just like Karura." Upon hearing this name, Gaara's eyes suddenly filled with light. He looked at Hana as though just realising she was there.
"My mother?" He asked urgently. "You knew my mother?"
"Dear boy, she was my pupil before your father was." Gaara was utterly dumbfounded as she said this.
"Wh-what? You never mentioned this before!" His whole life he had glimpsed Hana around the palace and she had taken on the position of his tutor only a year ago and acted as though she knew very little about him. To hear that she knew his mother was baffling.
"When your father was alive he told me it was best not to mention anything to you." Hana shrugged, "now that he has passed on, I feel the time has come to guide you a little." The Kazekage's mind was racing with questions. His relationship with his parents was worse than nonexistent; it was fuelled by hate and distrust. But his mother, who Gaara had never known, forever remained a mystery to him. He had been told as a child that she resented his birth, but deep down, he would have given anything to meet her. A part of him could not believe it, even though it is what fuelled his blood-soaked childhood and early adolescence, a part of him was always hoping someone would come and tell him otherwise. Was this that moment? Did his mother have words meant for him, sent through Hana-sama? Gaara leant forwards, his work forgotten, his sorrow held in uncertainty.
"What did you mean," he asked, "my mother was your pupil before father was?" Hana sat back in her chair, ready to recite the story she had kept secret for twenty years.
"I was a private tutor," she began, her aged voice the perfect fit to tell a story, "living on the outskirts of the village when I received word a young girl from a noble family was in need of tutelage." She looked at Gaara pointedly, "you know of your mother's clan?" The boy shook his head; he knew very little of his ancestry, it had been hidden from him."A great family, full of scholars, wonderful musicians! Your noble heritage comes from your mother's side; they are one of the founding families of this village." Hana informed him; many thought Gaara was raised in a wealthy home because his father was the Kazekage but this was untrue. It was his mother's status and family's prestige that saw to that. He had no idea! "Upon turning thirteen, Karura's parents wanted her to become familiar with politics, philosophy, law, so that she could one day attend the court of the Kazekage as an advisor."
"That's how she met my father? She was his advisor?" Hana smiled as Gaara asked eagerly, wanting to get to the important part of the story faster.
"Not quite." Her smile played like a crack across her face, crooked and full of character. "I met your mother two weeks after her thirteenth birthday. She was bright, particularly astute when it came to politics and incredibly," she searched for a word to do Karura justice, "gentle. The most gentle human being I have ever met. Even more than that moonbeam of yours," she nodded to Gaara, noticing some of the light fade from his eyes as she reminded him of Ai. "That dancing girl had a temper to match yours, I hear." Gaara nodded a little, trying not to think about it; Hana-sama was lucky she caught Gaara on a good day. This time of the night, on the days when the heartache was unbearable, she would have found him unable to have a conversation. "No," Hana caught his attention once more, "Karura was delicate, not like Ai. And when she turned nineteen her parents wished her to be married. So a meeting was set up between Karura's family to meet another family who had a son a few years older than her. They were a shinobi family, famous for their bloodline technique; the ability to control sand. They were supposedly raising the next Kazekage, a fine young shinobi called Raza." Gaara frowned, not in a way that indicated annoyance, but surprise.
"My parents had an arranged marriage?" Karura shook her head, beginning to laugh.
"Oh, how Karura hated him the moment she heard his name!" She exclaimed, a large smile on her face. "How she hated the idea of marriage! Of settling down, becoming a wife. It did not sit well with her. Suddenly this gentle girl became a hurricane; she cursed her parents and ran away."
"Ran away?!"
"Yes! Took her bags, stole her favourite horse from her father's work place and rode all the way to Neba!" Hana was almost in a fit of laughter, her laugh was infectious, even Gaara's mood was beginning to lift a little to hear someone laughing at his mother's actions.
"Neba the hill station?" He thought, a map of his village coming into his head, placing Neba near the edge of the country.
"She entered the station, prepared to board the next available train, only to find the place empty. Neba is near the Village of Rain, they often suffer from electrical malfunctions and so the entire station was abandoned for that week as they attempted to repair the electrics." She explained as Gaara raised an eyebrow. "Such was her foul mood that Karura sat in the train station, alone, watching the sun set. By night fall it was pitch black. But your mother was courageous; unfazed by the darkness outside of her village, Karura stayed in the dark." Gaara tried to picture his mother's face but he had not been able to look at a picture of her since he was a child so the memory of the image was faded and tattered at the edges. "She found a box of matches but try as she might, she could not light one for they were soaked through in the rain. An hour after sunset she heard footsteps approaching and seized up in fear; this girl had been raised in the confines of a nobleman's house, she had never been allowed outside of the village without an escort." Gaara smiled a little; his life was the same. "It was a man. She said he had a gruff and tired voice and when he sensed her presence, the two began talking. In the darkness, Karura became enchanted with the stranger; an older man, she told me. He could tell she was running from something and gave her a lesson in Philosophy that I was yet to teach her." Hana took a moment to adjust the folds of her kimono on her lap, making Gaara inch forwards at his desk, willing to hear the next part of the story.
"What was it?" He prompted his teacher. Hana sighed and her face held deep concentration, trying to figure out how to explain it to the boy.
"Man can never know if it is that our destiny rushes towards us, or that we go in search of it." She said clearly. "The foolhardy will try and reason one way or another and the brave will not waste time searching for an answer. But the only truth we can be sure of is that the moments we spend on this Earth stay with us because they are what shape us, guide us, remain in our very soul." Again, that small smile of reminisce came upon Hana's face. "He told Karura that it may have been in their destinies to meet and it may not have been, but there was one thing he was sure of: he would remember her and their meeting in the dark train station that night, forever. So Karura asked herself: if I cannot be sure that I am running away from my destiny, her destiny being to marry Raza, then am I doing the right thing? Of course, the only thing we can be sure of, like the stranger said, is that the moments we live through are unchanging." Gaara nodded slowly; the uncertainty of the future and how important that uncertainty is was something he often thought about.
"So, what did mother do?" Hana let out an airy laugh.
"She was so infatuated with the stranger that she slept at the train station in the hopes she could glimpse his face in the morning. When sunlight woke her, however, he was gone." Putting a finger to her lips. Hana remembered her student's gentle face as she had recited the story. "Karura went over and over in her head, the words of the stranger; she had resigned herself to the idea that her destiny was to marry Raza and so to change that she needed to run away. But now she knew that she could never be sure of that, and she would rather live through the moment than question its importance. She returned home, willing to meet him." Gaara thought for a moment and looked up at Hana-sama from the corner of his eyes and asked:
"Was the man at the train station my father?" A sly smile spread over Hana's face.
"Naturally." She admitted; it was too good a story for it not to have been Raza. "Karura never knew this, but your father was terrified to marry and had run to Neba in the hopes to catch a train as well! He met a stranger there in the dark and became besotted with that gentle voice. When the sun rose he glimpsed her face and realised that it was Karura, the daughter of the nobleman he was to meet later that day. So he returned home, eager to meet her."
"And?"
"They married a year later." As she spoke, Gaara shook his head; all this talk of love and destiny, it was just confusing to him. It made him feel even more lost in a word he was trying desperately to understand.
"Why are you telling me this?" He asked.
"Because your father gave Karura the idea that there is no such thing as destiny, and so she agreed to meet him. But when your father saw that the girl he met in the dark that night was actually the girl he was running away from, he changed his mind and believed it was their destiny to meet. It was this thought that pushed him to meet her family that day. Isn't that funny?"
"It is amusing, I suppose." Gaara agreed.
"But they are both perfectly acceptable wouldn't you say? In one circumstance accept that this coincidence is fate and in another, accept it as a coincidence; both reasonings lead them to the same happy conclusion." Gaara nodded as she spoke. "Was it your destiny to meet Ai, Gaara-kun?" Hana-Same had developed a habit of surprising Gaara whenever she spoke. He looked at her with a hard, determined stare.
"Yes." He said confidently.
"Was it your destiny to be with her forever?"
"I," thinking about it, really thinking about their relationship, Gaara found that he did not have an answer. "I cannot say for sure."
"What can you be sure of?" Just like Karura had asked herself this question, Gaara was asked. And just like his mother, he answered:
"That the moments spent with her were more important than any speculated kismet."
"Precisely. So, why remain in anguish over an unfulfilled destiny?" His teacher pressed him.
"What do you mean?"
"Why let your life be taken over by the sadness of a dream that you will never know the reality of?" She asked with a sincere look of sympathy. "It is time to move on, Kazekage. This is what your mother and your father realised in that train station that night: one believed in destiny and the other did not. Yet they both moved towards the same end. They both decided not to live pining after possible futures." Gaara looked down to his desk, thinking about what had become of his life. He was only ever pining after an impossible future, it seemed. He was worrying his siblings, losing standing in his village. He needed guidance, he needed to get out of this; just like his mother, he needed someone to show him that all was not lost. He looked up, straight into Hana's wise eyes.
"What do I do?" The Kazekage asked.
"Meet with the women your elders have chosen for you." Her words were met with silence. Gaara had heard this before. Then he had not liked the idea, no however, it seemed an option.
"Kankuro called this a rebound." Gaara had barely finished the sentence when Hana-sama started laughing.
"Good heavens, if we were all following Kankuro's advice the palace would fall into chaos!" Her laughter subsided. "It is time to consider marriage." She said seriously and was pleasantly surprised to find that gaara did not flinch, he did not look scared or bored, he looked serious.
"Marriage?" He was not asking a question, he was thinking about the idea of marriage itself.
"Solidify your status as Kazekage," Hana encouraged him, "bring noble blood back into the palace, carry on your mother's lineage." This last statement seemed to wake Gaara up.
"Carry on…" he thought for a moment about what Hana meant, "have a child?"
"Yes." Gaara seemed to lose all sense of anything; he blinked a few times at her before opening his mouth.
"I-I," but not sentence could come to mind to voice the Kazekage's fears."
"That will all come in due time." His teacher shooed away any overwhelming thoughts with a wave of her hand. "For now, meet the women that we have selected. Make friends." She implored him.
"Friends?" That did not seem like a lot to ask of him.
"Just that." She assured him, a few bracelets on her wrists jingling as she gestured, "begin friendships, nothing more. And if it happens that you and she are agreeable," she smiled a little, "we may look towards a future for the two of you." The Kazekage sat and thought for a good few minutes. Perhaps it would be best to meet new people, to move on, to explore the world. He could not keep asking himself the same questions: where are you, Ai? Why aren't you here beside me? Why are you so far away? He swallowed hard.
"What does Temari think?" He asked.
"Temari agrees it is best you move on." There was no hesitation in Hana's voice. Temari had asked her to come and speak to Gaara to propose this exact idea. The Kazekage looked around the room with unease.
"What did you advise my mother before she met my father?" He asked.
"I told her that if she came to meet her future, she should do so with open arms and courage. She was not one to live with regrets." Gaara nodded at her.
"Very well." He said finally.
"We may arrange the first meeting?" He looked at Hana as she asked this, her voice sincere, her eyes full of encouragement. The Kazekage nodded.
"Yes."