How funny that the world should know how she felt; water fell from the skies as though heaven were weeping. She woke to the sound of it. Not the pitter patter she had been warned of in stories from her childhood, but the harsh drumbeat of heavy rain against glass. It was almost deafening; the rumble of wind that wrapped the House up in a damp chill coupled with the sloshing and thundering of raindrops. The world woke Ai to a sky that was declaring war. Her eyes opened slowly and she turned on her back, amidst a mess of blankets, to face the ceiling. Slowly, the canopy of her bed, black net with small black flowers, came into view as her eyes focussed. Ai breathed in deeply and stole a glance about herself; the black net of the curtains that fell around her bed gave the room an even greyer, duller look than she was used to. In Suna, her room had been full of gold, splendid light and teasing breezes; here, the stone was grey and cold, sealing her up in solitude. She sat slowly, stretching in an unladylike manner, stifling a yawn.
The month of August was nearing an end and she was coming up to her fourth week living in Koto. This was the affectionate nickname given by the working girls to their House. It is the second kanji in the House's full name (Suikinkutsu) and is the name of the traditional harp instrument used to accompany their dances. (A/N: this is completely true: Geisha in Japan used this instrument and it is indeed the middle Kanji of Suikinkutsu…I am just interrupting the narrative to boast about how amazing I am for making this work). She was still getting used to the way the place was run; no prayers in the morning, no lessons, just money to be counted and dance practices to be done. Ai had shut herself away in her room for these past few weeks, claiming she had unfinished business to report on with the Tea House. In truth, she sat on her bed all day reading poetry, trying desperately not to think of the boy she left behind.
Ai was constantly confined by her sorrow; some nights she would thrash in restless sleep, plagued by nightmares of being without him. Other nights she ached from the want of him. To feel Gaara's broad physique tense above her, to see his loving eyes soften in the candlelight as he loved her…she was beginning to forget his touch, his voice, his face. Perhaps it was for the better; the sooner she was rid of the thought of him, the less it would hurt. She came to this conclusion every night, but every morning the same hurt would nestle itself in her bones.
Today, she was sat in the dress she wore yesterday. Too miserable to dress herself, too angry to look her reflection in the eye; she went with uncombed hair to bed and had even kept her jewellery on. Sat now in a slightly cropped black shirt, giving a view of her belly button, and a long black skirt, her antique silver jewellery tingled in tune with the sound of the rain. Her attention was captivated by the sound; in Koto it rained almost every day but she had never heard it like this. It seemed to sound like her heart felt; heavy and unrelenting.
Parting the curtains of her bed, Ai slipped out of the tangle of bedsheets, and proceeded to walk to her balcony doors. Glimpsing herself in the mirror, Ai saw her messy bun, untidy and limp, and proceeded to let her hair down. Her dark hair fell to her hips and she frowned; a lot of the girls had made fun of her for keeping such long hair. They had asked why she sat so straight, why she buried her head in books and struck notes on the harp like a lowly musician. They had called her outdated and old fashioned; was it true? Picking up a black veil to match her clothes, Ai simply draped it on her shoulder and frowned; they had called her a bookworm, a librarian's daughter, a mute scholar, for all she did all day was read and speak a word to no one. She sighed and, as she blew a straying strand of her away from her eyes, began to walk towards the balcony. What use was there trying to fit in here? It's not like she was going to work with them any time soon.
As Ai approached the balcony doors; black iron and misted glass, she stood, stock still as though frightened; the colour outside the glass was a dark grey, but it was the early morning! Pushing open the doors Ai gasped; the sky was almost black with thick, angry looking clouds. Rain tumbled from the sky in an unholy rhythm and thumped against the dark stone of her balcony as though calling her out to meet the sky. The dancer took a deep breath of the fresh, damp air and it seemed to fill her up. It seemed the world knew exactly how she felt.
The girl stepped out fearlessly into the rain, she took a few steps to the middle of her balcony and stopped. As though the rain could wash her sadness away, she closed her eyes, held out her arms and tilted her head to the sky. The cold water felt so soothing to her heated brow and the sound offered her a moment of clarity. She found herself constantly wrestling with thoughts and emotions over and over and over again but now, amidst the rain, she felt like she could think clearly. But all that came to her was the image of him. Beneath closed eyes, tears leaked and mingled with the raindrops on her skin. What was this world without him?
Ai's despair was cut short as, when the rain became lighter, she heard a familiar noise. The notes struck from a string instrument floated to her on the breeze but it was not so much the music that caught her attention. She opened her eyes and looked to her right. From her balcony she could see into another room below. There, sat on the windowsill, holding onto what looked like a harp, was a boy. Grey, shimmering hair, teal coloured eyes, he sat, strumming the harp absent-mindedly, singing words that cut straight through Ai.
"I have memorised you…I have memorised you…You have become poetry…You will exist beyond death, as my prayer…"
Her reddened eyes narrowed on him, her mouth opened, wanting to call out to him, to ask him how he knew those words. Words that were spoken to her only a few months ago. Before she had any such chance, however, her bedroom door opened. From the doorway, looking entirely unsurprised by Ai stood out in the rain, was Ruby. The woman tilted her head and sighed at Ai before calling into the room:
"Ai, you have a visitor in an hour. Be dressed and come down quickly." Ruby shut the bedroom door and Ai, stunned from the news that she had a visitor, looked quickly back to the balcony below, but the boy was gone.
Ruby was not there the day Kai brought his daughter to the Tea House. She and her twin sister were not on speaking terms then; Megumi had come into money following the death of her most loyal and noble customer and, instead of sharing her gift with her sister as promised, she had bought the Tea House for herself. After all they had spoken of together, dreamt of together! Her sister had left her nothing but Kototo look after. When Ai turned two, however, Megumi sought out her sister in an attempt to reconcile. At first, Ruby had held her head high with pride and rejected her sister's peace offerings. But when she heard about Ai, a child whose birth could not be explained, she felt as though it were a pilgrimage, a divine order, to meet with this little girl.
At first, Ai had stared between Ruby and Megumi as though she could not understand where the mirror was. Almost able to form complete sentences, she had bossed around children older than her, copying the way Megumi stood and spoke. Thinking about it now, as she heated water for the tea, Ruby put a hand over her mouth as she laughed; Ai had brought such joy into Megumi's life, such light to the Tea House.
"Ah! Lily, watch where you're running!" Ruby shouted after one of her girls as Lily tore through the kitchen, playing a game of chase with the younger girls. "I said stop it!" The owner of the House tried to regain control but there was no use. It was an hour and a half until performances began and the House lit up; this time of day there was an organised chaos, a hubbub, an excitement that no one could control. The whole House was engulfed in a bubble of festivities. That is, of course, the whole House bar one lonesome creature.
Ai had barely spoken a word to anyone. Try as she might, Ruby could not get her to open up, to trust the other girls, to realise she had a place here and was valued. Pouring the boiling water into a dark blue china teapot, Ruby breathed in deeply and let out a long sigh. A month had almost gone by and the girl was practically a mute and, if Ruby were being harsh, useless! Megumi had spoken of this incredibly witty, beautiful, smart young courtesan and, while beauty remained unquestionable, Ai had not demonstrated any other virtues! But what could be done to help someone so heartbroken? Ruby had never seen anything like it; she barely ate, barely spoke, and for a girl of the Tea House, it had surprised Ruby to find that Ai did not care for prayers. What was Ruby to do?
She had thought of him one morning while wandering through a room which was usually left empty; the library at Koto was reserved for those customers who wished to be serenaded but no one in this city wanted anything that lasted more than twenty minutes! Putting this thought aside, Ruby had stumbled across his name on the spines of books and at the bottom of parchment scrolls; who better to advise Ai, who was so in love with poetry and stories, than someone who knew them like he were the first man to write? It seemed a perfect match and so, she had arranged for him to meet with Ai before Ruby would invite him to the main performance that evening. Setting up the tea tray with small clay cups, the tea pot, little cakes and chocolates, Ruby exited the kitchen and was about to pass the stairs in the hallway to enter one of the living rooms, when something caught her eye. She turned to the stairs and her mouth fell open.
At the top of the stairs, dressed in white, antique silver jewellery with tiny diamonds glittering all around her, stood Ai. She could have been mistaken for the moon; her radiance and sweetness was unlike anything Ruby had ever seen! She had adopted the traditional dress worn in this province; a cropped white blouse and long white skirt, although her midriff was hidden as she attached her veil to her hip and bought the other side over her shoulder so the material crossed over her body (A/N: please just check the tumblr if this doesn't make sense!). Half of her long dark hair was pinned with a simple brooch, the rest fell long dark waves past her hips, a few small curls fell around her face. In the darkness of Koto, with its navy blue walls and countless gold-framed mirrors, Ai looked like moonlight itself.
"Ai!" Ruby exclaimed in surprise, moving back so Ai could descend the stairs and stand in front of her. The dancing girl kept her gaze downwards and approached slowly, practically gliding down the staircase. Lily, who had been running around with the other girls, ran through the hallway but brought the chase to a stop when she turned to stare at Ai. Heads turned, doors opened, stares narrowed on her, whispers swept across the House, as the dancer greeted Ruby at the bottom of the stairs. "You look wonderful." Ruby commented, looking Ai up and down, seeing the famous cut of 'Hidden Stone diamonds' the luscious and glittering silk of Konoha; the girl truly looked as Megumi had described.
"Thank you," Ai bowed a little in gratitude. It was funny though, Ruby thought as she took Ai to the living room to meet the guest, how different girls of the Great Houses are. Ai wore such fine jewellery and clothing that there is no way she could carry the tea tray by herself, she would need an entourage. Here, however, they could not afford the luxury of so many servants, so Ruby had to enter the room with Ai in order to put down the tray.
They entered a room made of the colour red; everything, from the books, to the carpet, to the flowers on the table, were of a deep, rich maroon colour. It had the charm of old-fashioned grandeur, to Ai, who followed after Ruby, attempting to keep her gaze down but glance around the room. Out of respect, Ai knew not to make eye contact before the guest greeted her so Ruby guided Ai to the low, long sofa opposite the guest. Her diamond jewellery tinkling, sparkling, she watched out of the corner of her eye as Ruby sat the tea tray on a table between them and left the room. Ai waited for the guest to address her, what she head, however, surprised her.
"If it weren't for the shackles tinkling at your feet I would mistake you for a princess." Ai looked up. In front of her sat a man, much older than her, long spiky white hair, youthful, glowing skin and two distinctive red lines running from each eye down to his jaw. He had a kind and wise face with dark eyes that seemed full of light. Upon hearing his words, Ai smiled. "I amuse you?" The man looked at her with intrigue; this girl, delicate as a flower, smiled up at him softly. She moved forwards to pour tea into a small cup for him.
"Your comment does." She said absent-mindedly as she poured. The smell of rose from the tea lifted up into the room.
"Oh?" The man leant forward and took the cup from her hand as she offered it.
"A princess," Ai scoffed at this thought. "What kind of princess is sold? What other than a whore is paraded in silk dresses and diamond earrings only to hear that she has no buyer?" He could hear the bitterness in her voice and it surprised Ai when he sat back, brought one leg over the other, and smiled at her.
"Do you wish to be bought?" He asked with a wry smile. Ai, however, lowered her gaze.
"My value is less than a chawan girl; I am a traitor to my people, no man would ever lie with me again." The gentleman shrugged at her words as though this idea was not so problematic.
"Do you wish to lie with a man again?" His mischievous grin broadened.
"Only one." Ai replied softly. "The Tempest of Suna." The man nodded at her.
"Sabaku no Gaara." As he spoke, their eyes met and he felt a twitch of pain in his chest as the girl's eyes became alert, awake, as though desperate to hear about him.
"Do you know him?" She asked in earnest.
"Not well." The girl smiled as though reminiscing, her gaze lowered and she breathed in softly.
"Have you ever felt the sting of a bee in the blissful heat of Summer?"
"Yes."
"Then you know him." Upon hearing her, the man seemed even more curious about her. He threw an arm over the back of the sofa to lazily lounge before her. Ai looked up at him with a vague feeling of familiarity.
"Do you know who I am?" He asked after a moment's silence. Ai nodded.
"Jiraiya, the Konoha sannin."
"Very good-"
"Author of The Dynasties of the Land of Fire." She sited his most critically acclaimed satirical work, although her small smile did not go unnoticed by Jiraiya; she clearly knew some of his more popular work too.
"So you know my work?" He asked.
"I hold your first anthology, The Sky and the Moon, close to me heart, as though it contained my very life." Jiraiya smiled; she spoke in that courtesan, sing-song, poetic manner. "You are one of the greatest writers of our time," Ai bowed her head to him, "I am honoured you came to speak with me." Jiraiya lifted his glass to her and drank as though to indicate his thanks for her kind words. After he drained his small cut of rose tea, he addressed her.
"Your father was one of the greatest writers of our time, I am a cheap imitation of his work." He let out a booming laugh which almost shook the chandelier above them. He could see her eyes working him out, trying to decide what to ask. Ai frowned at him; everyone referred to Kai as her father, what was the point in arguing otherwise?
"You knew Kai-sama?" She finally asked.
"Yes. And I know a great deal about you, Ai-sama." She gasped as he said the last word.
"How can you call me that!?" Trying her hardest not to raise her voice at an elder, Ai exclaimed as loudly as she dared. Jiraiya smiled kindly at her.
"Like I said: I know a great deal about you." He placed his cup back on the table between them. "Because I was there the day you were born. If born can be the correct term." He muttered to himself and, after a moments thought, disagreed with his phrasing: "No, it's not. The day you…" he searched for the right term, "came into existence." He stopped, waiting for her to ask the questions. Ai fiddled with a bangle on her wrist and looked up at him with round, naive eyes.
"You knew my mother?"
"You have no mother." Suddenly, Ai's soft and delicate nature left her; she sighed angrily at his words and almost rolled her eyes. This made Jiraiya smile; she was so like what he thought she would be like. It was almost as though he had read a book and was finally meeting a character from it.
"I am growing tired of hearing this story." Ai exclaimed, all manners forgotten. "It is absurd."
"As absurd as hearing the words of the Kazekage as he lay hundreds of miles away on his deathbed?" The elder asked softly. "As absurd as a non-jinchuuriki communicating with beasts across dimensions? As absurd, perhaps, as a courtesan who, having never practiced ninjutsu, can use summoning techniques?" He was bringing up thoughts Ai did not want to have to deal with. She could not be made to think about Suna, let alone Gaara.
"Why is it you came here, Jiraiya-sama?" She asked.
"To tell you of your origin." Again, he smiled as she looked over to him with bored eyes; not this rubbish again!
"How can I believe such nonsense?"
"Suspend your belief in the logical for a few minutes and see how you feel," he suggested, "or at least, grant an old man his wish and humour me a little." Neither of those thoughts seemed very appealing to Ai; he could see in her gaze that she was losing interest. "I was your father's very best friend; he and I went on many adventures together to help our writing. He entrusted me to tell you this story. Are you willing to listen, beautiful one?" Hearing this, Ai seemed to re-think; perhaps Jiraiya, who Kai-sama had often fondly spoken about, could offer her some guidance. And what harm was there in knowing about her origin, even if it was this bizarre and fantastical story? She took a deep breath and looked Jiraiya in the eye.
"Yes."
"It was deep in the jungle that surrounds the Mist Village that we came upon a temple; it was in ruins, but intact enough for us to seek shelter." Jiraiya leant towards the table between them, picked up a sweet and popped it into his mouth. "It was raining and late, neither of us wanted to travel any further even though we had heard a great deal about women of the Mist Village," Ai smiled a little as Jiraiya's eyes misted over with bliss. "So we made a fire in the small temple room and, amidst the flickering light, we both said goodnight and I fell asleep. I was woken to the sound of Kai shouting my name; he had been in the middle of writing a poem, Love, when the most inexplicable thing happened. I ran over to him to see, his wonderful words were no more. The ink had began to run; melt as though rain drops had fallen onto the page until the black liquid pooled at the bottom of the parchment. Kai and I stared in astonishment at the miracle, thinking we had inhaled too much opium in Neba!" With a laugh Jiraiya poured himself more tea. "Gently, as though a spider were weaving its fragile web, the ink began to swirl and dance into the middle of the page until the image of a beautiful woman appeared. It was Renai." Ai stared at him in shock.
"Renai?" She asked, disbelieving of what the man was saying.
"Believe me, child," Jiraiya assured her, "I was as cynical as you are. I was ready to engage in battle with a demon, thinking a creature of evil had lured us into the ruins on purpose. It wasn't until she began to speak, that I could rest easy. It was indeed Renai." But Ai needed more convincing it seemed.
"How can you be sure?" She asked and was met with a shrug of the man's shoulders.
"Instinct." Although not entirely happy with his answer, Ai still listened to his tale. "I had never witnessed a miracle but when her gentle voice accompanied the image of the beautiful woman, I was sure it was her."
"But why would a goddess show herself to you?" Ai frowned. At this question, Jiraiya's care-free and easy-going nature left him for a moment. He contemplated the answer and seemed to put a lot of thought into what he was going to say. Slowly, he began to explain again:
"She believed the words Kai wrote were the most beautiful she had ever heard from a world outside of heaven. She caught onto them as a fragrant breeze lifted Kai's thoughts up to the sky and, having never paid attention to our world before, she suddenly found herself attracted to it. Like the pull of the tide; she was drawn to Earth inexplicably." Ai was caught up in the author's words, he had such a wonderful and enchanting way of reciting his story. "She told us she wished to dwell in this world, live a life here, experience the love of which Kai had written. Renai told us to find her hidden in a single lotus blossom that would unfurl this day in a years time; floating on the river that would flood into this temple on that day. She asked to have her identity protected from mankind so that no one would come to worship or fear or destroy her. If they ever angered her, her power could destroy oceans. But" he added, "she also knew that her curious and mischievous nature would get her into trouble and, if a thing should ever happen, Kai or myself should be there to guide her. And so, here I am, guiding you, beautiful one." Ai's heart was beating a little faster, she felt a little cold and numb at the same time, as though she were not there in the room.
"What are you saying?" She breathed.
"That when we returned to the temple a year later, the child we found nestled amidst the lotus blossoms, floating in the temple, was you. You are Love, incarnate. You are the manifestation of a goddess on earthly planes." His face was completely serious. Ai could barely find words to articulate the thoughts crashing through her head.
"Why would anyone give a goddess the life of a whore?" She asked eventually.
"Because it was the only way to protect you," Jiraiya explained, pushing a lock of white hair away from his eyes. "Imagine if we put Renai into a shinobi academy; the other children would run in fear and she would be isolated. You were not born into royalty, you were born to a poet and he could not protect you. Courtesans are some of the safest, most trusted and well protected women of our world. We knew you would be safe here, under Megumi's gaze." Ai wanted to run from the room; to unheard what she was hearing.
"This is nonsense!" She protested.
"Is it?" Jiraiya silenced her with only two syllables; his voice was serious, loud and commanding. "I have kept in touch with Megumi and Kai all these years and they have informed me of the weird and wonderful things you have done. Things that are unexplainable in most instances, unless you are indeed Renai." But Ai could think of nothing he was referring to.
"What things?" She asked.
"Do you ever remember learning jodai Nohingo (old japanese)? Because you never did learn it." He informed her, "you opened your mouth at fourteen months old and sang like the skylark. You weave no signs before you use a summoning technique, your technique appears written in jodai nohingo, you cannot manipulate your own chakra-"
"How does that-?"
"Because no one ever allowed you to experience it. You are not allowed to use your own chakra; while other girls never asked or worried about it, you were strictly forbade from doing it. Have you ever wondered why you are not allowed to remove your anklets? You sleep with anklets, yes?" Ai nodded quickly.
"Silver strands made from the iron and silver found in the rocks beneath the Hidden Stone Village." She confirmed.
"There is another use for that mix of iron and silver; it is used to create Chakura no Yoroi (A/N: First appeared in second Naruto movie). This is armour, it can also be weapons, that manipulate chakra. Either draining chakra from jutsus performed by attackers or it can enhance the wearer's chakra. Your anklets are designed to do the opposite; they sit on chakra points in your anklets and subdue them, blocking any sensory type shinobi from detecting that they are in the presence of someone powerful. Megumi gave you the anklets Kai left for you, yes? If you put these on, your identity will be revealed, they will not subdue your chakra." Ai raised an eyebrow.
"Why would I ever want to be found to be Renai?"
"Your father's first work was a Philosophical text called 'Utopia'-"
"Utopia?" Ai said the word slowly, trying to recall reading it when she was thirteen.
"It discusses his desire for a world of peace, bliss, one full of love. Who better to achieve this than Renai, goddess of love? If you ever wish to embark on such a journey, put the anklets on. " He encouraged her but Ai found the idea of embarking on a journey all based on a sort of her being a goddess, utterly ridiculous.
"You understand why I find it difficult to believe?"
"Of course," Jiraiya let out a booming laugh again. "I would think you insane for believing it right away!" Ai seemed to sigh with relief; hearing him say that was reassuring.
"But how can it ever be proven?" She asked as the man's laughter faded away.
"In the temple where we first found you, amongst the ruins, inscribed on a crumbling stone wall, is a note from the goddess to you. You may go in search of it, whenever you wish." It was Ai's turn to laugh.
"How am I, a woman with no protection, supposed to step a foot outside the sanctuary of a courtesan House?" But Jiraiya simply shrugged.
"Put on the anklets given by Kai and the protectors will come running." He could see she was on the edge of believing him; right there, about to fall over into finally understanding her origin. Jiraiya's smile faded as that poor girl looked more lost than before. "Do you know why I have chosen to reveal this to you now?" Ai looked up and shook her head at him. "Because young hearts have the tendency to let their relationships define them. This is such an abdominal waste of youth. Your dreams should be what define you; not your ties to the Kazekage." Her gaze travelled slowly back down to the floor.
"But he is my soul. I am living here, soulless. Is he in the palace, living soulless too?" She asked out loud. The man leant forwards and looked at the girl in earnest.
"I'm sure Hana will have talked some sense into him." Ai looked at him and saw the warmth, honour and truth with which he spoke. Was he right? Was Gaara moving on with his life? Even if he was aching for her too? Was he able to keep fighting, to keep walking straight? Perhaps he was. Perhaps he was being strong, resilient to the heart ache. And what was she doing other than sulking? It was practically disrespectful of her to just give up on life, not when Gaara was still being a strong Kazekage. And what if this story of her origin was true? What if she was Renai's incarnation on Earth? The thought was ridiculous! But how could she ever know if she did not step out into the world and find out? But how could she do that with no money? She realised she had said nothing for a while now and glanced up at Jiraiya with a lost look.
"What do I do?" She asked finally. Jiraiya smiled in a fatherly manner.
"Realise how much there is to do, to live for," he advised her. "Become involved in Koto, see what wonders the nightlife here has to offer. Befriend the local politicians, I have heard that is your forte. Tutor some rich man's daughter!" As a second thought Jiraiya added quietly: "or his wife." Ai giggled at what Jiraiya was insinuating, almost shocked that someone so much older than her would suggest such a thing! "Become independent and go in search of the truth. Better yet," he raised his voice with a happiness that Ai found infectious, she began to smile, "lend me some company this evening!" He beamed. Ai's face fell, thinking only one thing.
"C-company?" Jiraiya laughed at the note of fear in her voice.
"I wish to hear Kai's poetry recited in your beautiful voice," he winked at her, earning himself a bashful smile from Ai. "And only the old stuff," Jiraiya waved a hand as though shooing away the more recent of Kai's work, "none of his new, post-modern, minimalist rubbish!" Ai nodded in agreement.
"It is awful." She commented.
"Disgusting." Jiraiya stood, "drink wine with me and tell me how to get in Ruby's good books," he chuckled. "Come! Let us retire to the library. I feel completely walled in here!" He exclaimed dramatically and began to exit the room. "Why Ruby had living rooms built I'll never know…dreary, dull rooms…" AI could hear him muttering as he left for the Library, a small smile spread across her face as, for the first time in weeks, she felt happy.