"If anyone would be fine, then why can't it be me?"
Yamaguchi asked in a soft tone after he confronted me about my relationship with Kuroo-san.
Aside from Kenma, he also saw us went out the same cubicle both in disheveled appearance but unlike Kuroo-san who couldn't hide his nervousness, I acted calmly as if nothing happened even after Yamaguchi confronted me.
"Anyone but you."
I said and pushed him aside so I could go back to our team mates. We just ended our match with Nekoma and although Kuroo-san and I didn't go all the way, I feel like all my strength is being sucked up with our conversation.
"I like you, Tsuki." Yamaguchi said that made me stop from leaving.
Who would have thought that those three words will make my heart swayed a little?
"I don't see you that way. I'll forget that we have this kind of conversation." I lied and left without looking back.
Do I regret it not taking his hand even though I feel the same? A part of me say, yes. But my realistic side say, no. Why? Relationship is fragile. Even a pointless reason can break it without fail. Love is a four-letter word that can send you to heaven for a moment before it drags you to hell leaving you in a long-lasting pain.
Taking a risk like to engage in a fruitless relationship is pointless. We are bound to break up even if I take his hand because we're both men, so it's better not to have unnecessary memories. I'd rather hurt us both today than regret everything later. I'd rather bury this feeling I have for him so he could move on with his and find the right person for him. And when that happened, I'll be happy for him. I'll be the first one to congratulate him.
I always thought that I am right. That the choice I made was correct. That someday, I can wish his happiness when he found the right person. But I was wrong.
"I'm dating Yachi now."
Yamaguchi said out of the blue after watching MSBY and Schweiden's match. We're waiting in the corner for our friends since we're having a simple reunion and celebration for Hinata's debut match.
I looked at him and I could tell that he is happy while gazing at the woman chatting happily with Kiyoko-senpai.
I avoid his eyes before our gazes meet. My eyes will probably betray me. It's hard to breathe but I still tried to congratulate him.
"That's good then. You finally find the right person for you to love." I said applauding myself for not letting my voice cracked even though I feel like there's I big lump in my throat while telling him those words.
"Tsuki, I never did think, even once that what I felt for you was a mistake."
I met his gaze and there I saw in his eyes that he's telling the truth.
"I was in love with you for so long but now I can finally say that I don't have those excess feelings now. Thank you Tsuki. For treating me the same. You are really are the best friend I ever have." He said with a warm smile plastered on his face.
That time I didn't know how I answered him. What registered into my mind was the pain in my heart when I saw the happiness on their eyes when they announced that same night that they're dating.
I feel like I lost all my senses. No, rather say, my ability to feel happiness has left me and all that's left is unbearable pain. Pain brought by the big hole in my heart after my happiness left me. I realized that when I tried to bury my feelings for him, it accumulated a big portion of my heart for all the years that passed, while I keep on trying to deny the love, I have for him.
That night all I want is to get laid and forget. Anyone will do that's why I made a move to Kuroo-san even though I know that he already has Kenma. I wanted to forget the pain but I end up inflicting pain to others as well.
"Don't ruin someone else's relationship just because you're envious that they can be with the person they love. You're pathetic. I can't even hate you because you're so pitiful."
That is what Kenma's message for me right after he left Kuroo-san's apartment after he caught us having sex.
"I'm sorry for dragging you into this Kei. But you know what I realized? No matter what happened after this, I still want to be with Kenma. I hope you too. You'll realize that it's not fruitless after all, if you will just be honest with yourself and have a little faith and courage to take the risk."
That was what Kuroo-san said before we part that night. I feel like my heart became heavier as I wander in Tokyo lamenting on my wrong choices in life.
I randomly went in a Nichome in Shinjuku not because I'm looking for a companion but because I wanted to get drunk and just forget everything after. No one dared to talk to me after I keep ignoring everyone who tried to hit on me.
Or so I thought, not when I woke up alone and all sore in a hotel room full of hickeys and bite marks all over my body, and on top of it all, I have no recollection of what happened next, after I called Akaashi-san, the only person who knew what I've been going through.
I checked my phone right away and saw that I really called Akaashi-san and talked to him for a couple of minutes. And as much as I wanted to remember what happened next, my head just hurts like hell that I chose to just forget everything since it looks like none of my things are gone missing.
I was about to leave the hotel room when I saw a note on the bedside table with nothing but these words.
Can I keep you?