"We're going to Sendai tomorrow morning. Are you coming Omi-Omi?" Atsumu asked while we're changing from our sweaty uniform.
I scowled when he mentioned the place that I've been trying to avoid lately.
"No. Why should I? Is there a reason for me to go?" I snarled at him and slammed the door of my locker.
I saw in my peripheral his confused face while mouthing something to Hinata maybe asking why I got mad but I ignore them and left the locker room without saying goodbye.
Seriously, Kiyoomi Sakusa? Does being rejected could really make a person rude? My mind taunted.
I ruffled my hair in irritation after I realized what I did and take my phone to send an apology message to Atsumu and turn it off again when I saw that there's still no messages from Kei today.
I'm still furious on what happened the last time we saw each other. What he said that night is so vexing that provoked me to spout words I didn't mean.
It's infuriating. I know! I fuckin' know that I don't own him! I am aware of that! But the thing is, he is mine! Kei is mine to keep. That's why it irked me when I saw how he smiled fondly to whoever Judas he was texting that time during dinner. I never saw him smile at me like that when he's sober and it drives me crazy.
I'm jealous alright! Who won't be? He was with me during those times that he's hurting. He has me. We were having fun. We were happy. I made him happy but why?! Why the fuck he had to smile like that because of someone else?! Why can't it be me?
And when I saw that man's name flashes on his phone screen when I confronted him, I lost it. How come he can still smile fondly at his messages when he already has me. We're not together but he's mine. He's exclusively mine even without those fuckin' labels he's running away to.
You can keep me, just don't ask me to put a label on us. So? Will you still keep a fucked-up person like me under that one condition? But since you're my keeper, then it just meant that I'm exclusively yours, right?
I sighed when I remember his words when he was so damn wasted. I know he was just drunk that time. I was aware that he won't remember me, the things he said or even what we did that night. But I still took a gamble and made a move to get closer with him.
And that's because of that fuckin smile of his that I don't want to be paired with those lonely pair of eyes made by the person he's been running away to. This is not so me but I can't help it. That stupid diapered-asshole also shoot me with his sharp golden head arrow filled with uncontrollable desires for Kei. The desire to make him genuinely happy. The desire for him to not run away to love again. The desire that Kei named for me that night.
The desire called love.
Smoke puff in the air when I heaved a sigh for the nth time. It's been two weeks since then but I haven't heard anything from him. I didn't contact him or even go to Sendai cause I'm still mad but it's heartbreaking cause he seems not affected on what happened to us.
What did you expect? You can keep him but you can't own him. And now you can't even have him anymore. My mind said mockingly making me remember his expression before I left when I told him those spiteful words.
I feel exhausted when I got to my apartment. And it feels lonelier now because there's traces of Kei everywhere I look.
What am I even doing?
I sighed and decided to turn on my phone again. Atsumu replied with a group picture of Hinata and him together with Koutarou and Akaashi-kun in our favorite pub. Before I could even reply to his response, he called.
"Omi-omi! If you're really sorry come here! You're on speaker by the way" I rolled my eyes on how enthusiastic he is even after I snapped at him earlier.
"No. I don't want to."
"Don't you want to celebrate Tsuki's graduation, Omi-san?" My brows creased not on Hinata's question but because of Kei's voice on the background telling him to shut up.
"We told Tsuki to come here so we could celebrate first before his big day tomorrow, Omi-kun! Join us!" Koutarou said that I choose to ignore.
I feel hurt. Knowing that he's with them while I'm here in my apartment, waiting like an Idiot for his call or even a single message. He even sounds unaffected when he heard my voice. But what hurts me the most is that he went here in Tokyo not because of me, but because of his friends.
What do you expect? He's not in love with you.
I could feel that diapered-asshole's arrow piercing my heart even deeper making me feel numb with the pain brought by the reality that Kei is someone that I can only keep but I could never ever own.
"I'm tired. Have fun. And tell him congratulations on his graduation." I said and end the call right away.
I guess I'm just like that freckled-guy. We both fall in love with someone we can't have. But he is the lucky one because Kei loves him and still loving him.
I sighed in defeat after the call and just let tears fall in my eyes. Who would've have thought that there would be a time that I will cry not because of volleyball but because of someone that stayed only in my life for a fleeting moment?
If you're going to give him up just like that, why did you even start to make memories with him? My heart asked that made me smile faintly.
I took my phone when it beeps once more just to feel more hurt when Atsumu send a picture of them now with Kei and beside him is none other than Yamaguchi. The man he loves until now, with not only his lips plastering a genuine smile, but also his eyes oozing with happiness that I've never seen before.
"I just want to erase the memory of your miserable eyes while looking at the man you love being happy with his new love, Kei. But who would've thought that in exchange, I will have them?" I whispered sadly while staring at his smiling pictures.
Hey heart! Isn't this enough reason for me to give up?