I sighed for the nth time tonight and keep staring at the mug of beer I'm holding while checking my phone from time to time, waiting for a certain person's text or call. But there's none. It's been two weeks since I last saw Kiyoomi-san and after that night of our fight, I haven't heard anything from him since then. At first, I just let it be because it wasn't my fault. Well okay it was mine to begin with, but it was him who didn't even let me explain at all.
He was the one who misunderstood things and just left after blurting spiteful words at me. And it's more painful to hear from him that whoever I fucked with doesn't concern him when I don't meet guys other than him.
Because he doesn't want me to. And I don't have any reasons too. Why should I if I already have him?
But this damn germaphobe is so prideful. I even went to Tokyo so I could meet him using my pre-graduation celebration as an excuse. And yet, he didn't come even after Atsumu-san called him.
"Tsuki, I'm staying the night to Hinata's apartment and take the first train tomorrow. What about you?" Yamaguchi asked that made me come back to my senses.
He was with me. Or rather say, I asked him to come with me. I don't know what change but I can definitely say that I'm not as hurt as before even when he talks about Yachi so fondly during our trip going to Tokyo to meet our friends.
But what I didn't expect the most is that even when I'm with Yamaguchi, the only thing that's been occupying my mind is him. That perverted germaphobe. Wondering what's he's been up to after we part. And if he's still mad at me for breaking one of his rules.
"I'm meeting someone later and might as well stay the night there." I said that made him snickered.
"Why?" I asked in wonder.
"Sorry, Tsuki. It's just that, I feel relieved to know that you're seeing someone now instead of sleeping with strangers randomly. He seems the grumpy and jealous type though. Cause every time I call you to hang out, he always answers the call to say that you two have plans already. Makes me wonder now, when are you going to introduce him to me." He said that made me almost choked on my beer.
"Call?? What call? When did you ever call aside from what I received two weeks ago? And those I missed?" I asked in surprise.
Yamaguchi frowned in confusion.
"You didn't know? I'm calling you every Friday night whenever Yachi and I are hanging out with the Senpais cause, I know you don't have anything to do during the weekend so we could catch up. But he always answers it for you. Even that day when you cancelled to meet up, I called to tell you where to meet, he answered the call for you and told me you're taking a shower. So, when you send me a message, I already know that you can't come."
My jaw dropped on what he said while trying to remember when did Kiyoomi-san answer all my calls. Then I recall that thing happened in my bathroom the night before we had a fight.
"Actually, Yachi and the our senpais are also wondering who is it that you're dating. That's the reason why I called you last time cause Yachi is so damn curious about your love life lately." He said laughing.
I still find it unbelievable so I checked all my call logs and he was right! There are call logs that I'm not familiar with. Cause I rarely answer Yamaguchi's calls. Surprisingly, I'm not mad. I'm just confused why Kiyoomi-san do that and he never did tell me anything about Yamaguchi's calls.
"So, who's your secret lover Tsuki?" Yamaguchi teased.
"Shut up, Yamaguchi!" I scowled that made him laugh.
"Sorry, Tsuki. It's just that, I'm happy you know? That you're not the same as before. To be honest, I hate that part of you who sleeps with random guys. It's fine if you're happy but you don't look like it. But now, you looked happier." Yamaguchi looked at me with a relief expression.
Am I? Do I look happier? I asked my mind but the answer I get is Kiyoomi-san's different expressions when we're together.
His default scowling face when we're with our friends. His hot and seriously arousing gaze during our steamy rough sex that easily replaced with worry whenever I'm close to passing out because of how perverted he is. And the serene gaze he gives me when he thought that I'm not aware that he's staring.
And before I realize it, I'm already smiling that made Yamaguchi chuckled.
"You should have seen that look on your face. I never saw you smile like that before." He said that made me shook my head but didn't argue with him.
We talked random things like the old times and took several group pictures before we called it a night since Bokuto-san got wasted again like the usual.
"I don't know why he loves to drink even though he's a lightweight. Did they had a fight before coming here? They don't flirt too much like before." Atsumu-san said after their cab left.
"Dummy. If they do, they won't be here." Hinata said and looked at us. "Let's go home. We need to catch the first train tomorrow."
"Tsuki we're going now. Are you sure you'll be fine?" Yamaguchi asked but I stopped him from going so we could talk more. Or rather say...
So, I can start moving on.
Once again, I checked my phone just to feel disappointed cause I haven't heard anything from Kiyoomi-san even after I sent him a text message that I'm coming over. I guess he's already sleeping since it's been a while since Atsumu-san called him.
"We're going ahead now. Don't be too late though you still need to get some sleep too." Hinata said before giving Yamaguchi their spare key.
We watched the idiot couple as they walked hand in hand towards the station without giving a care on how the other people look at them. I still feel envious. But it wasn't toxic like before.
What change me?
"I'll get us something to make as sober a little wait for me at the bench." Yamaguchi said before going to a nearby vending machine.
I sighed and stared at the moon alone in a starless sky, thinking why Kiyoomi-san won't leave my mind even when I'm with Yamaguchi. I was never like this with Yamaguchi before. What I have in my mind after I realize that I love him in a different way, my initial instinct is to run away. But why?
Why I want to chase you instead? Even though I don't have any plans to take a risk?
"Here, Tsuki..." Yamaguchi handed me a canned coffee that made me come back to my senses.
He sits beside me and heaved a relief sigh. "I'm actually happy today, Tsuki. It's been a while since we hangout like this. Do you still remember back in high school-"
"I'm in love with you." I cut him off and then there's silence.
I don't know why those words just escaped my lips. But surprisingly, I feel like my heart has been lifted from the burden that I've been keeping inside me for years now after blurting out those words.
I looked at Yamaguchi and smiled genuinely. "Back in high school I'm in love with you." I looked away when I saw a glint of sadness passed through his eyes.
"I was scared so I brush off your confession like it was nothing. That time, when you confessed, the thought of making memories with you and the pain it will cause me if ever we part overwhelms me." I continued before taking a sip on my coffee.
"So, you run away." He murmured that I answered with a nod.
"I always thought that loving you is a mistake. Because we're both men. Because engaging in a same-sex relationship is fruitless. That's why when you told me that you never once thought that loving me is a mistake, I feel ashamed. And made me question myself if, does what I feel for you is really love?" I admitted that made us both laugh wryly.
"Who knows. After all, Cupid has two types of arrows he used for shooting people. One with a sharp golden tip that will only make you feel uncontrollable desire, and the other one is a blunt lead tip that will only make you feel a desire to flee." Yamaguchi said and looked at me with a sad look on his face yet I could tell that he is somehow relieved.
Relieved to hear that I too, felt the same back then or relieved that I am now opening up to him after years of running away.
"Tsuki, maybe you got struck by Cupid's blunt lead tip arrow that's why even though you love me, your desire is always to flee from me. It's not because it is fruitless, but because I'm not the right person who can make you feel secured. Who can make you take the risks. Who can keep you without making you want to run away." He said that made me silent.
I still feel like engaging in a same-sex relationship is fruitless. My mind hasn't change yet. But I still wonder...
Why did I thought of Kiyoomi-san when Yamaguchi mentioned about someone who can keep me without wanting to run away?
"And besides, you seemed over me now. By just looking at you getting antsy while checking your phone every now and then, I believe whoever it is that you're secretly seeing means a lot to you now." He teased that made me question my mind.
Am I in love with him? I'm, not right? Not yet?
I sighed when my heart skipped a beat after my mind flashes Kiyoomi's rare smile.
"Stupid diapered asshole." I said that made the both of us laugh heartily. We chat a bit more until we decided to call it a night.
I feel nervous for no reason while on my way to Kiyoomi-san's house. Although I have the key to his house, the fact that we're still not okay after the last time we met, is making me anxious.
The thought of what if he doesn't want to see me again? or what if he already found a new partner? I felt a pang of pain just the thought of knowing he found someone else but I tried to brush it off.
And as those what ifs clouded my mind, I arrived at his apartment but I just stand outside his front door with the key in my hand hanging in the air, while still deliberating with myself if I should go in and use his key or just call him to open the door for me. But before I could even decide. A half-naked Kiyoomi opened the door with a sullen look on his face.
"You sure take your time huh." He scowled after opening the door wide to let me enter.
I silently went inside and take my shoes off. But right after he closed the door, I felt his warm body behind me while I'm imprisoned to his embrace.
"I missed you. You damn salty moon."
He whispered in my ear that truly made me aware of the sharp golden-tip arrow piercing deeper to my heart that this cunning diapered-asshole shot at me unconsciously.
I'm a goner.