The night feels melancholic while I watch my friends oozing with happiness with the person they choose to be with. As if they're reminding me, how miserable my life right now because of my choices.
I should have declined when Akaashi-san asked me to come and have a drink with them so I wouldn't end up with these volleyball idiots drowning in happiness with their partners.
Seeing them sweet is bad news already, but with Yamaguchi here make it worse. I'm still not ready to see him after he and Yachi announced that they're dating. I always give excuses that I'm busy with practice and university stuffs whenever they asked me out but this time, I feel like I got ambushed when they didn't tell me that Yamaguchi will come. The only thing that I'm thankful is that Yachi is not with him.
I glanced at the man beside Hinata who also looked happy to see our friend's blissful relationship even though it's fruitless.
It makes me wonder somehow, if I choose to take the risk that time and answered Yamaguchi's feelings with honesty, are we going to be as happy as Hinata and Atsumu-san right now? Or does our relationship will as strong as Akaashi-san and Bokuto-san?
Stop it Kei. It's too late even if you regret your decisions. Just accept the fact that his heart won't get swayed by you again.
My grip tightened on the mug of beer that I'm holding when my mind slapped me with that reality. It's too late but I still keep him in my heart. That's why it hurts. I couldn't let go the love that I chose not to have.
"Akaashi~ feed me too!" Bokuto-san's voice made me come back to my senses.
I feel embarrassed seeing him and Atsumu-san flirting with Akaashi-san and Hinata in front of us without even hiding the fact that they have something going on with them. I wouldn't be surprised if they act lovey-dovey in front of me and Yamaguchi since we already knew about them. But we're with Koganegawa who looked confused, Kyoutani who doesn't give a damn and Sakusa-san who looked disgusted as I am while watching them.
I should've gone to my favorite bar instead of joining them.
I take a sip on my beer and sigh. I really regret coming here instead of meeting some of my old partners since we don't have practice tomorrow.
Admit it Kei, you're just envious.
My mind said mockingly that made the alcohol I intake rush to my head instead of my stomach.
"Do you want to fuck?" Kyoutani choked on the beer he's chugging when I blurted that question without hesitation. Kyoutani knows that I swing both ways, but he doesn't give a damn about it.
I don't think that the others heard me since we're both at the corner of the room and the place is kind of loud. Besides aside from the two set of couples flirting openly, Koganegawa, Yamaguchi and Sakusa-san are all eyes and ears to the lovebirds.
"Look, I know you're swinging both ways, but I don't." He whispered coldly but his face looks red with embarrassment.
I guess he's a virgin.
"But it feels good. You won't know, you might get addicted to it. Besides..." I leaned a little closer to him. "I'm more on the receiving side. So? Wanna try it with me? I'm kind of pent up you see after my last partner ran out of me when we got busted by his lover."
I said talking about Kuroo-san who's at the brink of break up right now, maybe, after Kozume-san saw us fucking on Kuroo-san's apartment in Tokyo. It wasn't my plan to break them up or get busted that night. I just wanted to get laid because of the stress and pain that accumulates in me. But if that's enough reason for them to break up, then what they had is just a mistake and not love.
I guess being unconcerned really made me a little similar to Kozume-san that's why Kuroo-san got interested with me. It has been two weeks since then and I am trying to avoid thinking about that night where I got wasted for the first time because I ended up being fucked by someone I couldn't remember.
Until now it's still a mystery who I end up having sex with. When I asked Akaashi-san about my phone call, he told me that he never answered any call from me that day because of Bokuto-san that is also as wasted as I am, I guess.
"No. I'm not interested. Ask somebody else. I don't do it with men. Besides, isn't it better to do it with the person you like?" Kyoutani said that made my mind stop from wandering. I choose to ignore his words because I heard the same thing from Kuroo-san before.
You should stop this thing, Kei. And just be honest with yourself for once.
I remember he added that as parting words but I decided already that I won't do stupid things like they do. I'm already being stupid for keeping this feeling for Yamaguchi even though he already has Yachi. So, doing more than that, will only make me dumber.
"Whether you do it with someone you like or do it with anyone, it's still the same. In the end, what matters is if you'll feel good or not." I said nonchalantly that made him shook his head.
I saw on my peripheral that Sakusa-san looked at me because of what I said. He pulled down his mask when our eyes met and leaned on me so he could whisper in my ear.
"You asked the wrong person. You should have asked me instead."
Yamaguchi's eyes met mine and even though he's sitting far away from me, it seems like he knew what I'm up to because of the way his brows creased. And again, I choose to ignore it. Like how I've been trying to ignore his feelings when I'm still the person he loved. How I've been trying to run away from fruitless relationship. How I've been trying to deny this feeling of mine especially now that he has already found his normal happiness.
I avoid Yamaguchi's eyes and met Sakusa-san's cold gaze while patiently waiting for my reply.
"I'll wait for you outside." I said before chugging in one go the beer I ordered and take my things.
"I need to go. I remember that there's something I have to do." I said that made Hinata and Bokuto-san looked disappointed.
Yamaguchi looked upset, maybe because I keep on ignoring his messages asking if we could talk tonight after this little get together of ours.
"I'll go with you. Atsumu and Kotaro are so cringey making me want to vomit. I don't know if they're trying to hide their relationship or not, cause it's not working." Sakusa-san said that made the two scowl and their partners blushed with embarrassment.
Yamaguchi tried to meet my gaze but I totally ignore him by getting my phone and wear my headphones. I don't want to get swayed by this heart of mine. Those four looked happy but I know that there will be a time that they will break apart just like how Kageyama and Hinata did.
The evening breeze gently blew in my face when I got out of the pub and somehow, the stuffy feeling that I have since earlier has vanished.
"Where do you want to go?" I asked Sakusa-san when we're walking towards the place where there's a lot of motel to choose. I know he's sensitive that's why it's better to let him choose where to go.
"Your place or mine? Pick one. But if you choose my place, be prepared to sleep over." He asked that made me stop walking.
He looked at me blankly. "Why? You don't look like the committed type and I hate having lots of partners to have sex with. So just be my exclusive fuck buddy."
My heart reacted violently when he casually said to be his exclusive fuck buddy. It sounded as if he wanted me to be exclusively his if only, I didn't know that he's a germaphobe.
Smoke puffed in the air when I sighed.
"No commitment? Just fuck buddies?" I asked trying to confirm that we wanted the same thing.
"Just fuck buddies." He answered without changing his blank expression.
I nod and walked again leading the way to my apartment. Trying to forget the disappointment on Yamaguchi's face when I left with Sakusa-san. Trying to forget my regrets for the choices I made. And trying to bury these hateful feelings of mine that has been trying to eat me up whenever I see how happy my friends in their fruitless relationship.