"Are you fucking kidding me?, I yell, bringing all of the chatter outside to an immediate halt.
"I know how it looks," Sarah says, biting her lip. "I'm so sorry Izzy, we should have told you."
"You should have told me? Yeah, about a whole year ago Sarah!"
Jamie rushes in through the kitchen from outside, my yelling must have drawn him in.
"What's going on?," he says, "are you hurt? Why are you screaming?"
Sarah's eyes narrow in on him.
"Nothing," she says, "Go back outside, this doesn't concern you."
Even when she's so far in the wrong, she wouldn't dare miss a chance to take a swipe at him, but I'm not allowing it this time.
"Don't talk to him like that Sarah!," I say, raising my voice again.
She huffs in annoyance as I angrily fill Jamie in on what I've just found out. He's as horrified as I am.
For whatever reason, Sarah continues to try and play it down.
"You're completely over reacting Izzy, why does it have to be such a big deal?"
"Is that some kind of joke?," I ask her, "Do you think I'm just going to accept how totally insane this is? Because I'm not, not this time, you should have told me!"
"You're right Izzy," Mark pipes up in my defence. He then turns back to face Sarah.
"I told you from the start that this was wrong," he says, "I told you the longer you waited it out, the worse it would be, and now look."
"Oh thanks for taking my side Mark!," she snaps at him.
"What side?," I ask dumbfounded. "There are no sides! It's just you and Dad, living your little life together and leaving me out of it entirely. Like always!"
"Oh don't start with that stuff," she scoffs. "I knew you'd twist it all around, you're freaking out over nothing."
"Oh it's nothing? So you'd be happy if the roles were reversed here Sarah? I assume that's why you actively hid it from me for a whole year, because you thought it was nothing?"
Sarah and I glare at each other as I hold out for more answers. Mark shifts his weight slightly so that he can stand between us, not once taking his eyes off of us incase one lunges at the other.
"How long have you known they're together?," I ask her.
She doesn't respond, so I turn my attention Marks direction, I know he won't lie to me.
"How long?," I ask again.
"Since they started dating," he says with a sigh.
"And nobody wanted to tell me?"
"I don't understand it myself kid, but it wasn't my place."
I look back to Sarah, utterly confused.
"Why?"
Her eyes flicker to the back door, she's aware that everyone can hear us, including Dad.
Now it's starting to make sense.
"He told you not to tell me didn't he?" I say.
This is so typical of him, it's like he wants to pit us against each other.
"He didn't do it to spite you Izzy," she insists, trying to lower her voice, but I'm not letting anyone off easy. She chose to do this, she can deal with the fallout.
"That's bullshit Sarah. Why else would he do it? Why do you think he would make you keep that from me? They're engaged for christ sake."
"Well maybe if you weren't such an bitch to him all the time he'd have wanted you to know!," she spits.
"That's enough!"
Jamies voice comes booming between us, and even here it makes me flinch. We both stare up at him wide eyed.
"I'm sorry Sarah," he says, "but I can't let you talk to Izzy like that. You know she's not the one in the wrong here. Now I like Charlie as much as the next guy, but I'll be damned if I let you put any blame on Izzy's shoulders for the state of their relationship."
Sarah's mouth hangs open, but if Jamie is in any way worried about upsetting her or my dad, he certainly doesn't show it.
"She was eleven years old," he says. "Eleven. Can you imagine Mark blaming one of your girls if something entirely out of their control happened to you?"
Sarahs lowers her eyes toward the floor, she has to have thought about that at some point.
"She's never so much as gotten an apology for it," Jamie continues. "So if she's a bitch now, it's because she has every right to be. Charlie should be grateful that she shows up here at all."
There's an air of silience as Jamies words sink in for everyone. He's never stood up for me like that before. I honestly can't believe it.
Pushing past both Jamie and I, Sarah storms out of the room. I hear her stomp up the hallway before she slams a door.
"I'm sorry about all of this Izzy", Mark mutters to me as he squeezes by to follow Sarah. "I told them this was going to happen."
I stand in the kitchen feeling shaken. There has to be some sort of explanation for this, because I can't understand my dads logic at all. As hard as he could be to deal with, he was never intensionally cruel, but it's hard to see this in any other light.
Jamie rubs my arms trying to comfort me, but I can't seem to swallow the anger that's bubbling inside me. I need to understand. I need to know why my dad still rejects me after all these years.
"Can you ask my dad to come in here Jamie? I need to talk to him."
"Are you sure Iz?" Jamie asks. "We can leave if you want? Nobody would blame you."
"No. He can't keep doing this to me. It's time he explained himself."
Jamie nods, making his way outside without another word. After a couple of minutes, my dad strolls inside, holding a basket of vegetables like he hasn't a care in the world. Without the awkwardness of having Donna there, he's back to his usual self, silent and unreadable.
He sets the basket down on the counter, paying me no mind before taking a knife from the drawer and slicing into some peppers.
"You wanted to see me Isobel?," he says over his shoulder.
"It would help if you'd look at me Dad."
It's unsurprising really. Even when it comes to having to talk to me, he somehow finds a way not to face me.
"It would help more if you'd grab a knife and cut these," he says, tapping his knife on the edge of the basket.
Ever since we were teens he's left the onions aside for me or Sarah to cut up. He hates the way they make his eyes water. God forbid it might look like he was capable of showing emotion.
Pulling open the same drawer he did, I grab a knife and slam it closed again. I stand right beside him at the counter, reaching past him to get a chopping board.
The two of us stare ahead, looking out the kitchen window as we prepare the vegtables. Donna is running around, chasing the two girls while Jamie cautiously watches the barbecue. To an outsider, it could look like any other happy family. I know better though.
As I peel the skin back on the onion, my eyes immediately begin to sting, but I don't let out so much as a sniffle. I don't want it to be mistaken as anything else. I watch Donna as I chop. She's running behind the trees and bushes, pretending the girls are too fast for her to catch. I find it strange how someone so full of vigour ended out with someone as stiff and obstinate as my dad. I suppose she could be good for him, she might take that stick out of his ass.
The fact they're engaged is the part I'm struggling with. I find it hard to comprehend that there's someone in his life who I didn't even know existed, and now she's the other half of it. It further cements that I am an outsider to him.
I wonder if today was meant to be special?
Was it some kind of occasion to celebrate their news? Have I ruined it by fighting with Sarah? If Donna hates me too, I'll have to question if I really am the problem after all.
I give up on scolding Dad before I've even started. He doesn't deserve for me to be understanding or willing to forgive this, but I'm not ruining whatever today is meant to be for them. He needs no more ammunition when it comes to blaming me for stuff going wrong in his life. And besides, I know there's no hope at all of me getting what I need from him, so why bother trying?
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a small smile creep across his face as he watches the girls pull Donnas hands and drag her toward the swing set.
"She seems nice Dad," I say, breaking the frosty tension between us.
"She is."
He continues slicing.
"Are you're happy?"
He sighs.
"Yes Isobel, we're happy."
Chopping these onions has started to send little streams of tears rolling down my cheeks, so I quickly brush them away and keep going, making sure dad doesn't catch me as I do.
"Well I'm glad you're happy," I tell him, "even if you didn't want me to know about it."
Dad places his knife on the chopping board in front of him and leans his hands on the counter, taking a look at me for the first time since he came inside.
"Isobel," he says, "I know I owe you an a-"
I glance over, wondering why he stopped talking, only to see his frown deepen.
"What is that?," he asks, straining his eyes at me again and shifting himself closer.
"Did I have something on me?," I ask as I wipe at my face a little more, assuming its just some skin off the onion, but then I realise my mistake. I've wiped some of the make up off from under my eyes. Fuck.
"Oh, y'know what?," I say, almost panic stricken. "My mascara is probably running, I bet it's left streaks, I'll go clean myself up."
I rush from the kitchen, grabbing my bag and shooting down the hall to the bathroom. I hear my dad call after me, but pretend not to.
This day just keeps on getting worse.
Dabbing some concealer under my eyes and over the remaining bruise on my cheek, I wonder how my dad even noticed it? The bruise is so slight now that you can barely see it. I don't think anyone else would have batted an eye, so it's bizarre that he of all people did.
I set my concealer with some powder and head back outside, having my back up excuse at the ready.
"Isobel, come in here please."
My dads voice turns me around, he's no longer the kitchen, but at the end if the hallway in my old bedroom. The floorboards creek under my feet as I walk towards it, I don't think I've been in there since I moved out.
My dad has taken root by the window, gazing out at his flower bed in order to keep is back to me. I don't pass the threshold, choosing instead to hover in the doorway.
"Sorry about that," I say, "those onions can make such a mess. I'll go finish up before the food is cooked."
I attempt to leave and move back towards the kitchen, but I obviously haven't convinced him just yet.
"Come on in here," he says, "and close that door too."
Everything he says sounds so demanding, it's never been like dad to ask for things politely.
"Dad this is really unnecessary, it wa-"
"Close it I said."
I feel like I'm a kid again, not that I ever gave him much reason to have to scold me. But just like then, I do as I'm told.
Sitting myself on my old bed, I glance around my childhood room. Everything is still the same. The pink bedsheets and band posters stuck on the walls make me feel like an intruder on my younger self.
"What happened," my dad asks, keeping his back to me and his arms folded.
"I told you, the onions."
"The onions left a bruise on your face?"
What a smart ass.
He moves his hands, resting them on his belt. The sun coming in the window has to be hurting his eyes, but typical Charlie, he would rather squint and suffer it than and have to see me.
The smartest thing to do is to give the same story I gave to Carol and Michelle. That way I'm not going to gaslight him by saying that he didn't see something when he did. So that's what I do, I give him the whole spiel.
He stands silently for a minute, slowing nodding like he's absorbing all the detail. Without being able to see him, I've no idea what he's thinking.
"So just to be clear Isobel," he says, finally turning around. "You're telling me that you fell and didn't put your hands out to stop yourself?"
"What do you mean?," I ask.
"I mean that it's unusual to get a knock like that from falling forward. It doesn't look like your knees or hands are scraped either, so why didn't you try to catch yourself?"
I just had to wear a sundress today didn't I?
"Dad, it was just a fall. I don't know why, I don't remember."
He watches me for any tell tale traces of a lie, but he's at a disadvantage there. From all his interactions with Sarah, he knows instantly when she's lying, but not me. I stay defiant, looking him in the eye, holding the contact for the first time in years.
He seems to be willing to accept my excuse, or at least not debate it, so I get up, ready to drop this as he moves for the door, but when he gets there he stops, unsatisfied. I wish he would just let this go.
There's a spot of paint that he picks at on doorframe before his eyes wander the room. After what looks like some intense thinking, they finally settle on me again.
"I I'm... I owe you an apology," he says. "For Donna. You and I don't talk much so... well regardless, I'm... I didn't mean to keep it from you."
"Actually," I say, "I think that you did mean to keep it from me Dad, but I don't know why."
I swallow, trying not to get upset in front of him, this is the most he's given me in years and I don't want to ruin it.
"Well I didn't do it to hurt you like you said I did," he says.
So he did hear me? No harm I guess.
"Funny how it worked out that way anyway huh Dad?"
I don't think I've ever pushed back at him like this, but maybe it's time he hears it.
"Isobel, we don't talk, you never come here!"
"And I suppose that's my fault too right?," I ask bitterly.
"No. It's not, that's not what I said."
All the resentment of the last fourteen years envelops us with all the things we never say to each other. I can't seem to keep track of my feelings at all. I go from hating the things he did, to wishing that he'd love me the way I need him to in a matter of seconds. I don't know how I'm supposed to talk to him about it.
"I think I'm gonna' go home Dad," I tell him, deciding that's what's best. "I don't want to make today awkward for you or Donna."
"You'll stay put Isobel. Now look," he says, "it's about time that you and I had a conversation, but I don't think today is the time, agreed?"
I nod my head.
"I'm going to try take the bull by the horns here as Donna says, and I'll call you in a week or two, we can organise getting you back out here to see us both. Deal?"
"You think Donna should be involved?"
"She'll make sure that I say everything I want to say."
The man can be painfully cryptic at times. I find it hard to believe that anyone can make my dad do anything, but if he says that's what he wants, then that's it.
"Alright, if that's what you need," I say.
"Good."
I'm half afraid to breathe too heavily right now in case I knock over this house of cards.
I'm shocked that my dad wants to make that effort, heck I'm floored that he even used the words 'I'm sorry'.
I feel like the smart thing to do right now is to get back outside before he changes his mind.
"Wait," he says as I make a beeline towards the door, "just before we go back out there Isobel, I want to be sure of something.
Now I'm only going to ask this one more time. You've never lied to me about anything important, so I trust you not to do it now… That bruise right there, it wasn't something to do with that guy of yours was it?"
"Jamie?" I ask perplexed, but he's aware that I'm not stupid.
"You know what I'm getting at Isobel," he says.
"No Dad. He's a good guy."
I try to come off almost offended that he'd even suggest it, and he tries to stare me down like it will make me admit something. I'm not sure how long I can take the guilt of lying to him like this, but thankfully he breaks first.
"Alright," he says defeated, "If you say you fell then I'll say no more about it."
I feel a wave of relief hit me, one tiny win is better than nothing.
Back in the kitchen, Jamie and Mark have taken over the vegetables while Sarah keeps watch over the food outside.
"Jamie tells me you were a little worse for wear yesterday Iz," Mark says, "I didn't realise you had drank so much.
My face drains of colour as he tosses the last of the vegetables into a bowl, ready to take them outside.
"Oh yeah, I was pretty rough. I don't have much tolerance anymore. It's been awhile since I was out."
"Well it was great to have you sis, I hope you'll come keep that wife of mine company again soon."
He and Sarah clearly didn't waste any time making up. He heads out back with the vegtables, leaving Jamie and I alone, so I take the opportunity to fill Jamie in on what happened with my Dad.
"Hey," I whisper. "We've a small problem."
"What is it babe?"
Jamie picks up a head of lettuce, placing it onto the counter and pressing on it, cracking the core before twisting it off. His arms flex under his tshirt as he does it, making me feel that old flutter of attraction. I know its down to the way he defended me earlier with Sarah, but getting excited over a head of lettece? Get it together Izzy!
I move past my distraction and focus on the issue at hand.
"Dad saw the the mark on my cheek," I explain, "he asked me if it was you."
Jamies hands freeze.
"What the fuck Izzy?," he says, "what did you say?"
"Don't worry, I handled it, but just incase he mentions it to you, I told him that I fell while out running. It made sense to stick to the same thing that I told Carol and Michelle."
"What made him think it was me?," he asks.
"He said my story didn't add up, I think he was just being a dad about it, but its fine now," I tell him.
"Alright. Hey thanks Iz, I know you shouldn't have to cover for me."
He's right, I shouldn't, but I do because I don't know what would happen if my family found out about any of this. But as long as it never happens again, they wont have to.
♾️
When we all finally sit down to eat, I find myself sardined between Anna and Emily, as per their request. Dad, Jamie and Adam are together talking sports of some sort, while Donna and Sarah sit across from me. To say it's awkward is an understatement. Dad would lose it if we let our argument make Donna feel uncomfortable though, so we press on and keep the conversation going.
"So Donna, can you tell me about the engagement?," I ask, "What did Dad do?"
"Oh you know Charlie," she says, "Huge and extravagant!"
She and Sarah share a laugh between them, I smile along, unsure if she's joking.
"Oh god Izzy, she's kidding!" Sarah says, scowling at me.
"No, of course, I knew that."
I smile along with Donna, feeling like a bit of a gooseberry.
"Poor Donna hasn't so much as gotton a ring yet," Sarah says, "I keep telling him to hurry it up!"
Sarah gets louder and louder as she finishes her sentence, making sure Dad hears her. He waves his hand, acknowledging her point.
"Oh don't worry, we'll get there," Donna says. Then she gives my dad this knowing look as she smiles down the table at him, they really are besotted with each other.
"Anyway Izzy," she says, coming back to her first point, "it was actually really sweet. We were walking my dogs out on the vacant land, you know where all you kids used to play when you were smaller? We sat down on one of the tree logs for a rest, and then he just came out and asked me right there, it was perfect."
"That sounds more like Dad alright."
I'm glad I know him a little more than I gave myself credit for.
"What about you and Jamie there," she asks, "your Dad says you guys are together awhile?"
"Yeah, almost four years. We live together now, I'm sure Dad told you that too, it's going well."
"Wow, four years? Maybe there'll be a double wedding," she says.
Sarah lets out a snort that sends water shooting out of her nose and draws everyones attention as she starts coughing.
"Oh... um, well..."
They all sit waiting for my response, but I've no idea what to say.
Jamie picks up on my inability to answer and thankfully jumps in, saving me yet again.
"We're still young," he says, "we haven't talked about any of that yet. I'm sure you wouldn't want to have anyone stealing your lime light anyway right?"
I hoped his deflection would move the conversation on swiftly, but we're not that lucky.
"Hey now," Mark pipes up good and loud while patting Jamies shoulder. "I hope you're not holding out for something better to come along there Jamie, because you won't find it. Isn't that right girls?"
"That's right Daddy," Anna joins in. I don't even think she understands what she's agreeing with.
"Exactly baby girl, you tell him!," he says, laughing away. "Well Jamie that's it, Anna has spoken, the pressure is on you now."
Poor Jamie doesn't know where to look, he's entierly surrounded by people who have no idea of the tension this topic has caused us.
"Oh well, I- I don't think that's in our plans just yet…"
He fumbles a little and then I spot my dads eyes narrow in on him. Oh no.
"Jeeze, leave the poor guy alone Mark!," Sarah calls across the table. "They have plenty of time, not everybody is ready to marry a Tully woman right out of the gate!"
"That's because I took the best one," Mark says as he smirks across the table at her. She rolls her eyes but the dimples appearing on her cheeks give her away.
"Isobel doesn't need a husband," Dad interjects, quieting everyone down. "She needs to go back and finish studying so she can do what she loves."
He keeps his eyes on Jamie the whole time he talks. My neck could break with how quick I snap my head around to eyeball Sarah.
"You told him?," I hiss.
If there wasn't a table between us and two children present, I'd be on top of her right now.
Sarah hastily announces that she's going to get some more ice.
"Izzy can you help me?," she asks, but I was already up and out of my chair before she finished her sentence.
We're not even into the house before she starts apologising.
"Okay, I'm sorry, I know you asked me to say nothing. I've got such a big mouth, he kept asking me and asking me why you weren't working at the school anymore, and I was still so pissed at Jamie over it all that I just came out with it!"
"How long has he known?," I ask her.
"Since like, a week or so after you told me?"
"What!? Sarah, this is why he's such an ass to him!"
"Well I mean, I wouldn't say that's the only reason…"
"Why then?"
I furrow my brows, wondering if theres more.
"He just never took to him that's all."
"Just like you," I say pointedly.
I know Jamie is no saint, but this a bit unfair.
"I get it," I say, "he's no Mark, but he never even had a chance with you guys did he?"
"I tried Izzy," she argues, "you can't say I didn't. Even Mark tried, he invited him out for drinks and for lunches but Jamie always turned him down."
"So he's a bad guy because he wouldn't socialise?"
"Nobody said he was a bad guy at all Iz, I don't dislike him, I just don't love him for you. But you know what, I gotta say, the way he stood up for you today made me see him a little different."
I feel like an idiot for ever telling Sarah what happened with Jamie and Zach. I thought I could trust her.
"I'm never telling you anything again," I say as I huff
like a disgruntled toddler.
"That's not fair, that's the only time I've ever said anything. And look at all the other stuff you've told me and I never opened my mouth, not even to Mark. It was one slip up."
I eye her up cautiously. It's a tough position she has me in. She knows all about Will and I'm relying on her to keep it to herself. Right now it feels like she's probably told the world.
"Let's just get the ice," I say, moving to the freezer, but she takes hold of my arm, giving me those sad little eyes of hers that I struggle to stay mad at.
"Look, about earlier Iz, I'm sorry. I don't know why I never just came out and told you about Donna. Mark was right, the longer it went on, the harder it got and Dad never even told me why I couldn't say anything. He just kept saying he wasn't ready. I don't even know what he meant by it."
"It's fine," I tell her as I pull the bag of ice up to the top of the freezer. I grab a jug off the shelf above and start filling it.
"I'm sorry too," I say, "I shouldn't have blamed you, you weren't the problem, Dad was. It's not fair for you to take the fall."
I shut the freezer door, ready to go back out with the ice when she stops me again.
"I can tell you're worried that I might say something about you and Will," she says. "But I swear to you, I haven't told anyone and I won't either, I promise."
She gives my arm a small squeeze in an effort to reassure me. I wish I could tell her a whole lot more about it right now, my mind feels like theres a tornado running through it.
"You guys alright in here?," Jamie asks as he steps inside. The sound of his voice makes us both jump. Shit, how long was he there?
"Yep, all good," Sarah says, "I'll bring this out."
She takes the jug of ice from my hands and squeezes past me, giving me one last look.
Jamie hovers in the doorway.
"You two friends again?," he asks as his eyes follow Sarah back through the yard.
"Yeah, we were talking it out."
"That's good. This has been quite an eventful visit. I thought lunch with my parents was tough…"
"I'm sorry about my Dad," I say, "Sarah told him what happened with the placement, I didn't know."
"No I know, it's not your fault."
He moves across the kitchen, wrapping his around around my waist when he gets to me.
"Your Dad doesn't know you like I do Iz, but he's probably not wrong in what he said either, maybe finishing your training isn't a bad idea."
"Really?, I ask, leaning back so I can stare up at him.
"Yes. I have a feeling the reason you really haven't gone back yet has less to do with timing, and a lot more to do with me. I don't want that to be the case."
Of course the reason I haven't gone back is because of him. If I had things my way, I'd be qualified and teaching by now, but I've been too aftaid to do it incase Jamie ruined it all again.
"I could always look into it?" I suggest, curious to know if he really means it.
"I think you should."
"I might even be able to get a placement for this September if I'm willing to travel a little further, I'd still be home before you with school hours…"
It's hard to contain my excitement, this is all I've ever wanted, and to put it on hold for this relationship was both a struggle and huge sacrifice.
"That sounds good to me," Jamie says with a smile.
He's spent the last few days doing everything he possibly can to make sure that I can see he's trying. I know that, but today has truly blown me away. He's stood up and defended me, he's comforted me when he would normally have lost it, and now this. He could have been pissed that Sarah told my Dad, he could have blamed it on me and turned it into an argument. I half expected him to if I'm honest, but he didn't. He tried to see things from my point of view, and it means the world to me.
Before I can really think about it, I stretch up on my tip toes and press my lips to his. It's neither passionate or very long, but it means more to us than anything else right now.
"I love you Iz" he whispers, pulling me into him.
"I love you too."