The next couple of weeks seem to drag by with a dreary shadow of darkness hanging over me. I'm in a funk over what happened with Will and I can't seem to shake it. I know I should be enjoying the last few weeks of summer before all the chaos starts with teaching and college, but it's been hard to concentrate. It's been hard to do anything actually. I've found myself crying in corners more often than I'd care to admit.
Now that I have a placement and I know what's happening with school, I went ahead and called Donna to orgsnise meeting her and Dad at his place. I was reluctant to do it considering my mood at the minute, but I didn't want her to think I was being rude.
Jamie is busy with work over the next few weeks, so I'll be pretty free for time anyway.
Donna works a couple days a week as a nurse, but next Friday seemed to work for all three of us, so we went ahead and locked it in. I'm nervous, but things with my dad can hardly get any worse right?
Talking to Donna, and hearing how she thinks things could change has started to make me feel hopeful about moving forward. I never usually allow myself to feel like that when it comes to my dad and I. My view has always been that we're past the point of no return, but maybe with the unwavering determination Donna seems to have, we could forge something decent out of the past and move on.
At home, Jamie and I are better than we've been in a long time. He's been eager to prove himself, and even apologied to me for turning up at lunch unannounced that day. I know ultimately it changes nothing, because Will and I are still no longer friends, but it was good for me to hear him take resposibility for his part in it.
I'm still anxious about the future, who isn't? But he's yet to mention a thing about taking over the company again, so for now I'll take that as a good sign.
Last week his sexual health screening came back. It was completely clear. It almost made me believe him when he swore that nothing happened with any of those girls at the office party... almost.
I've noticed that he's become a little more handsy since getting the results, but I can't seem to get myself past certain hurdles. It's not that I don't want to, or that I'm not trying. I do push myself to take things as far as I can when he persues it, but that just seems to make him want more, and I'm not there yet. Not by a long shot.
It's like I have a mental block or something, we get as far as the part where we should be ripping each others clothes off and I clam up. I know it's not ideal, but I can't force myself. I can tell it frustrates Jamie, and I can even sympathise with it to a point, but I'm adamant that moving at my own pace is best for me.
Luckily, I won't have to worry about his wondering hands tonight, because I have plans to see Annie. She's been extreamly busy with the bar, and I'm worried that she's been wearing herself out with all of it, so I insisted she took the evening off with me. I've never heard anybody get so frazzled about what type of utensils to order, so I know she needs the break just as much as I do.
I've purposely ensured that we stay away from Benny's for our meet up, I don't want to risk bumping into Will. I'm doing my best to give him what he asked for, but my feelings have been so up and down about it all. One minute I feel like I miss him, then the next I want to scream at him for finding it so easy to forget me. For that reason, I know its better not to see him, accidental or otherwise.
I ran out on my lunch break to pick up some stuff for Annie and I this evening, face masks, hair treatments, a kilo of chocolate! Anything that might help her relax and get her talking. The other night on the phone, I finally broke and asked her about Adam. She was coy, and somehow shocked that I'd figured it out, but she also promised to fill me in on what's going on with them later tonight.
I'm standing at the register with a heap of stuff in my hands when my phone rings.
"Hey Jamie," I say, answering the call, "How's work?"
"Hey. It's all right, where are you? Can you talk?"
He sounds all kinds of gloomy, like a kid who's been told they cant have their favourite toy. Jamie tends to give off that vibe when something hasn't gone his way.
"I'm just at the store, why do you sound like you've got bad news?"
"Because I do," he says, "the launch date for the software we've been working on has been moved forward. It's now happening Friday."
"This Friday?," I ask, "That's okay, isn't it? I thought everything was ready?"
"Yeah, it's all set, but it means that I'll be working late the night before Iz."
"Oh." Now see the problem. "That sucks."
Thursday is my birthday. Jamie and I didn't have any big plans or anything, but he had organised to take the day off so we could spend it together.
"I know," he says, "I'm sorry. You know if I could do anything about it I would."
"Don't be silly," I reassure him. "It's not a big deal, we can do dinner or something next week, I've had a whole bunch of birthdays anyway."
"Humm, probably too many now that you mention it, I should really look at trading you in."
"Ha-ha, it wasn't me obsessing over some grey hairs last week was it?"
"Hey!," he says childishly, "Too soon!"
"You're right, it is! I thought you'd at least make it to thirty before they started coming in."
I hear him chuckle away about it now as I tease him, but boy was he upset when he found those stay hairs.
"Okay okay," he says, "I take it back, you're the only model I need. Happy?"
"As long as you don't forget it," I say, giggling down the phone. "Oh hey, I'm about to check out here so I gotta' run. Don't worry about Thursday though okay? Its not a problem, I promise."
"Okay, I'll make it up to you Iz."
"Oh I know you will! I'll see you later, love you."
"Love you too."
I am bummed that Jamie is going to miss my birthday, but there's not much I can do about it. This launch is probably the most important achievement in his career to date, and I want to support him with it wherever I can. If that means having to spend my birthday alone, then I can suck it up for him this once.
♾️
Later that night at Annie's place, I waste no time kicking off my shoes and settling in, I have a lot of catching up to do now that the cat is out of the bag.
"Okay, start from the beginning," I say as I slather some cucumber facemask onto her cheeks. "Don't leave any detail out young lady!"
I'm just a smidge excited here.
"All right detective, let's take this down a notch," Annie says, rolling her eyes. It doesn't hide that cute smile on her face though.
"Absolutely not! This is your love life we're talking about here, I need the full picture, now spill! How long have you and Adam been a thing?"
"Umm, well we've kind of been seeing each other for the last four months."
"FOUR MONTHS!?" I yell, "and you didn't tell me?"
This is unbelievable!
"Hey! What did I say? You keep this up and I wont say another word," Annie warns.
"Okay okay, you're right, I'll stop. That's a long time though Annie, why is it such a secret?"
"Its not a secret," she says, very matter of factly. I shoot her an accusing look, who is she kidding?
"All right, it's kind of a secret," she admits, "but its awkward, Adam is Will's best friend."
"And?"
I haven't told her that Will already knows, and I won't be either, that's for them to discuss. "He won't care Annie," I tell her, "I'm sure he wants you both to be happy."
"I don't know. To be honest I'm not even sure that there's anything to tell him. Adam and I haven't defined what this is yet."
"Oh, why not?," I ask.
Annie reaches for the bag of chips on the coffee table, shruging her shoulders as she does.
"I'm not sure, I'm kind of afraid to bring it up. What if he doesn't want a girlfriend? What if this is all just a bit of fun for him?"
"Okay, wait, let me make sure I have this straight. You guys have been doing the deed for months, you like eachother, you spend a bunch of time together, but you're afraid to ask him where its going?"
"Well, when you put it like that it sounds silly," she says. "I don't know though, he never implies that it could be anything more y'know?"
"Are you exclusive?"
"I've no idea, I mean I'm not seeing anyone else, but you've seen the way girls are around them. He's probably got one for every day of the week!"
I feel my stomach turn just thinking about it. I don't even want to consider how many girls have possibly been in Wills bed since I last saw him.
"Look, you don't know that he's not thinking the exact same thing Annie," I tell her. "You're a catch! You could have ten guys on the go if you wanted. But you don't, you want Adam, so you need to talk to him."
I know I shouldn't be pushing her into having a conversation she's not ready for, but this is nuts, she's torturing herself right now by staying in limbo.
"You're right," she says reluctantly. "I dont want to admit it but you are… I really like him." Annie bites her lower lip as she considers it, but figuring things out with Adam isn't the the only thing on her mind.
"Not that it would stop me either way," she says, "but do you think Will is going to be okay with it?"
"Well, if I'm being totally truthful, I don't think that should really matter to you Annie. He's a grown man who can look after his own feelings. Besides, he loves you both, and I'm sure he'll love you both together too."
"I hope so, I'd hate for him to be mad at me."
"He wont be," I tell her, "like I said, he loves you. I'm sure he wants to see you happy."
The fact I already know that to be true makes advising Annie so much easier. I just hope Will doesn't sell me out whenever they do finally tell him.
Annie and I end up spending most of the evening discussing her love affair with Adam while consuming obscene amounts of sugar. She hates that I'm calling it that, but she also practically gushes as she tells me the story of how it all started. It's very cute.
Aparently the battery of Annie's car had died outside the bar one night while Adam was there with some friends. Luckily for her, he was able to give her a jump start and then afterward they got talking. She had a feeling he was flirting with her, but wasn't one hundred percent sure until he bit the bullet and kissed her. It was then that he told her he had been into her for years but was afraid to do anything about it.
I really couldn't be any happier for her, Adam sounds like one of the good ones.
Annie seems more than happy to have got a night off from the bar too. I knew she needed it. The upgrades are moving along quick by the sound of things and I'm dying to see the place, but I can settle for all of the pictures she shows me for now.
"It looks so good Annie," I say as she swipes through her phone, showing me all the before and afters. "You made the right call with the colours for sure, I can't wait to see it in person."
"You know you could always stop by when Will isn't around right?," she says. "You're not banished."
Annie and I haven't really discussed what happened between Will and I at all. I can only assume that Will filled her in himself.
"No I know, and I will come by, I'd just hate for it to be weird for anyone that's all."
"Well you're still my friend Iz, I know he's my brother and all but-"
Annies mouth drops open as she loses her train of thought. It looks as though shes seen a ghost.
"Hello?," I say to her as I wave my hand infront of her face, "anybody in there?"
Her eyes meet mine again, and she swallows like theres a bad taste in her mouth.
"Annie you're weirding me out," I tell her, "what is it?"
"I just realised something," she says as her face turns an odd shade of grey.
"Is it that you're really bad at making me feel better?"
"No. It's you and Will. You're my friend, and he's my brother."
"That's right? I'm sorry, I don't think I'm following you here Annie?"
"Adam and I!," she cries. "It's the same thing. Oh god, this is what it's going to be like if we don't work out isn't it? It's going to be a mess!"
She drops her head into her hands, completely forgetting the face mask.
"No!," I insist, "Not at all Annie, this is completely different."
I jump up and grab a towel from the kitchen to clean her hands, hoping I can pull her back from the edge of this cliff she's on.
"How is it any different Izzy?," she asks, "Look at how awful it is now between you guys!"
I can't say I don't see the similarities, but right now is no time to tell her that.
"It's different because Will and I were never together for a start," I say, but that doesn't seem to help at all.
"Either are Adam and I," she points out. "Oh this is bad Izzy, if this goes south, Will and Adam aren't going to be friends anymore, and then the band will be ruined and I'm going to be the frickin' Yoko! I can't do this. No way, I can't!"
Annie starts to pace the floor like shes having some kind of breakdown. I have make her see how good things could be before she decides to do something stupid, like calling off the whole thing.
"Okay, whoa!" I say, taking her shoulders. "Slow down for a second, lets just take a breath. You're spiralling Annie, none of that is true at all. First off, Yoko didn't break The Beatles up, and neither will you. Second of all we're still friends right? Even with Will and I... estranged? So IF, on the off chance you and Adam don't work, he and Will can figure it out, just like we have."
"You think so?"
"I know so," I tell her. "They'll be fine Annie, stop being so hard on yourself."
"No, I mean do you really think Yoko didn't break up The Beatles?"
You've got to be kidding me.
"Annie!" I scold her as she childishly starts to giggle. "At least you find youself funny."
More importantly, at least she's not still freaking out.
Taking a seat back on the couch, she throws herself against the cushion and lets out a sigh.
"I really don't want to fuck this up Izzy," she says. "There's more at stake than just a relationship."
"You won't. You deserve to have love Annie. Stop focusing on all the things that could go wrong and think about what could go right."
The weak smile she gives in responce tells me she's not fully convinced, so I make the concious decision to ask for more details about the renovation so that she doesn't continue to get bogged down in her worry for Adam and Will. Thankfully it's a tactic that seems to work.
Annie excitedly tells me all about a 'friends and family' night that shes planning as a kind of soft re-opening of the bar. She's invited Jamie and I. I'm not so sure thats a good idea, for a multitude of reasons, including the obvious. I was pretty surprised Jamie recieved an invite at all after his behaviour at Othello's, but it's possible that Will never gave Annie all of the details. That or she's trying really really hard to accommodate me.
On one hand, I feel like it could give Jamie a chance to get to know Annie better and form a more realistic opinion of her, but on the other, Will.
Annie can sense my worry from a mile away.
"I know what you're thinking," she says, "but he won't be there."
"Will? Why not?"
"He said its not his thing, he wants to sit it out."
I find that hard to believe, I would have thought that something like this would be right up Wills street. Either way, I hope his non-attendence has nothing to do with the fact that Jamie and I could be there, not that I'm sold on that idea yet.
Jamie has been great lately, and I know he's really trying, but a social event with the friend who tried to help me leave him? I'll have to think hard about that one.
♾️
On thursday morning I'm woken by the smell of burnt toast. It feels far too early to get out of bed on my birthday, but with that smell wafting under my door, I figure I better go and make sure Jamie isn't burning the place down.
Tiptoeing through the living room and into the kitchen, I find Jamie, frantically trying to put some food onto a breakfast tray. He's completely flustered and has managed to spill a dollop of jam down his shirt. I don't have a hope of getting that out.
I rap my knuckles on the counter, letting him know that I'm watching his failed attempt to put together a nice breakfast for me.
"Izzy?," he says, "what are you doing up? Go back to bed, this is meant to be a surprise!"
"I am surprised," I say, smiling as I walk over and grab a dish towel to clean up the orange juice that's spilled on the counter. "Surprised that you thought you could handle toast."
"Don't even joke about it."
Jamie winces at the sight of how miserable the tray looks. He's so embarrassed about the mess happening here that it's cute.
"Its been a total disaster, he says, "I must have had the toaster on the wrong setting or something because first I burnt my fingers off it, then I missed the glass while pouring your juice, the eggs I made are like rubber, and I haven't even attempted making you a coffee yet. I'll probably kill us both!"
He looks around, surveying the derbies of his efforts. "I just wanted to do something nice for you before I have to go to work," he says.
Some people would consider this a sucky start to their birthday, but not me. Wrapping my arms around Jamies neck, I stretch up and kiss his lips, tasting the lingering traces of jam still stuck to them.
"This is nice," I say, "not edible, but very very nice."
It doesn't matter that it didn't go to plan, what matters is that he wanted to do something special for me.
"Happy birthday," he whispers into my ear. "I'm sorry I'm going to miss it. I'd do anything to spend the day with you, I really would."
"Don't beat yourself up," I tell him, "I've organised a brunch with Sarah instead. I had to cancel plans with her twice already so it will be great to see her. What about you, are you nervous about today?"
"Yeah. Which is weird because I never get nervous. And now I get to spend the whole day with my dad breathing down my neck on top of it. He's already called me asking why I'm not there yet. It's only seven fifteen!"
"You woke me up at seven fifteen for burnt toast!?," I ask with mock disgust.
"No, you got yourself up," he says, still holding me close. "I also have those though." Jamies hand points towards a box of chocolates on the coffee table in the living room.
"Ah, very smooth!"
"Your real gift will come later, when I'm home. I'll be back by eight thirty," he says, "I promise."
"Was it too big to fit in the apartment?"
"Sure, whatever keeps you guessing."
Jamie rushes off to change his shirt before he leaves, and I make sure to wish him luck as he races out the door. This is a big day for him, hopefully Tom will take note of what an achievement this is and give him a break.
After he's gone, it's settles in for me that I now have the whole morning to myself, and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I'm not meeting Sarah until eleven, and the charred toast has disrupted any plans of me snoozing until then. I suppose cleaning up the mess in the kitchen can be the first thing on my list.
As I scrape the congealed pile of scrambled eggs into the compost bin, I start to get a hankering for some pancakes. There's a cafe that Jamie and I often go to nearby, and they make the most delicious buttermilk ones. I can also pay a visit to the ridiculously expensive home decor store down the street from it too. If today isn't a day to treat myself I don't know what is!
I'm not sure if spending most of the day alone has turned out to be really sad or an absolute genius idea, but right now I'm going with genius.
An hour later, I'm showered, dressed and pretty much ready to go. As I grab my bag from the bedroom, I hear a quiet knock on the door of the apartment. That's weird, I didn't buzz anyone up.
Walking out to the hallway, I find that I don't even have to check the peephole to know who it is, because that quiet knock is quickly followed up with some overly loud commentary.
"Open up Birthday Queeeeeen!"
Sarah? At this hour?
I pull open the door to find her sunshine face smiling back at me, I'm completely bewildered.
"Sarah, what are you doing here?"
She breezes past me into the hallway.
"Oh wow what a warm welcome," she says. "I'm here to save the day!"
"No really, what are you doing here this early? Is everything alright?"
She clicks her tongue in annoyance.
"Of course. You're such a worry wart Iz."
"Oh, well then did I mix things up?," I ask. "I thought we were meeting at eleven?"
"Did you really think Jamie was going to let you spend your birthday alone Izzy? Or me for that matter? The minute he called me about it Monday I cleared my whole day, so I'm all yours."
To say I'm overcome with emotion would be an understatement. I'm literally speechless. Jamie called Sarah? And they had an actual conversation? It's like two mortal enemies, laying down their weapons and joining forces for the greater good. And they did it for me.
"Breakfast was supposed to be Jamies one job," Sarah says, rolling her eyes "but I hear that didn't go to plan, so we can start with that. Then I thought maybe a mani-pedi? I've booked us in for a massage and facial from two pm, so whatever you wanna' do outside of that is entierly up to you Iz, it's your day."
I still can't seem to get a word out, so I go right ahead and lunge at her, pulling her into the tightest hug I possibly can. We may have our differences at times, but there's no doubting it, she is the best big sister I could possibly ask for.
"Thank you so much," I whisper, refusing to let her go.
"Happy Birthday little sis."