"Be there when I get back and everything will be fine."
That's what he said.
Jamies words play over and over again in my mind as I pace the floor of the apartment. What did he mean by that?
Who am I kidding? Why even question it when I know exactly what he meant.
Be there and you won't get hurt.
And now, here I am. In our home, wondering if he really meant it, or if I just want to believe that he did.
I won't let him do this again. I won't let him use threats as a means to control me. There's no point in all of the therapy and classes if all he's going to do is substitute hitting me with threats of it instead, that can't be the kind of life either of us settle for.
It's been three and a half hours since Toms driver dropped me off, ignoring my request to let me out at the end of the street. He said that he was under strict instructions from Jamie to leave me at the door. I don't know why that was important, I could have left the second he drove off if I really wanted to.
I haven't even got myself out of the painted on dress that Jamies sister tried to humiliate me with. I've just been here, waiting and pacing. Any hope that Jamie might call when he had a chance to calm down has now dwindled. I have no idea what his mood will be like when he gets home.
All I intended to do was to check on him, there was no need for him to over react the way he did. I'm still trying to get my head around why he was so angry.
There has to be more to it.
If Lainey is to be believed, theres a whole lot that I don't know about the aftermath of that office party, and for some reason Jamie is hiding it from me.
I recall again how Karl was shouting at me to ask Jamie about the video before Tom dragged me inside. It's all so secretive and messy, I can't quite put it together. What did he want me to know?
♾️
My insides tumble when I hear Jamie fumbling around with his keys outside. I hold my breath as he opens the door, preparing to face whatever comes my way.
"Izzy?" he calls out as he sets his keys down on the table in the hallway. I'm too scared to answer him, but it doesnt matter, because he spots me waiting there in the darkness of the living room almost straight away. "There you are," he says, breathing a deep sigh of relief as he comes toward me, "I'm so glad you're up."
Glad I'm up? How was I meant to sleep with the type of fear that he hammered into me before I left?
I instinctively step back as be moves closer, and he sharply comes to a stop when he realises it.
"Izzy, I'm so sorry,"he says, "I feel like such an asshole about earlier. I didn't mean a word of it."
He slowly takes a few steps closer, gesturing for me to sit down. "Please, I can explain everything."
I'm dumbstruck by his sudden one-eighty, this is not the Jamie I expected to arrive home at all. It's so different to what I've come to expect that it throws me off.
With an abundance of caution, I take a seat, keeping my eyes squarely on him.
Jamie starts to babble some form of an explanation as he takes a seat beside me, just about taking a breath between words.
"I had to get you out of there Iz," he says. "I wasn't being fair and I know that, but you had to leave. I'm sorry that I flipped out, I was scared for you, you weren't safe there, not with Karl hanging around."
I have to stop him just so I can try to keep up.
"Jamie, slow down, I don't understand, how was Karl the one that was a danger to me?"
He has to stop talking and start over, explaining things a bit more rationally.
"Earlier on," he says, "when Karl showed up, he wanted some money."
"Money? Money from who?"
"From me, my dad, whoever, I don't think he cared where it came from. He said if we didn't get him one hundred grand by Monday, that he was going to go to the media about that damn party at the office." Jamie leans forward, cupping his hands over his face. "I swear Izzy, that whole thing just keeps coming back to bite me in the ass."
I'm mistified, how could Karl be so brazen? He was a partisipant at that party, and a willing one at that.
"I'm not following you Jamie, why would you give him money? You said he was the one that made a video with one of those girls, so wouldn't he be incriminating himself if he went to the media?"
"Yes." Jamie sighs, "but I guess he's willing to risk it. I mean, its not like you can tell that it's him."
"How do you know that?" I ask, an air of distrust in my voice, "Did you see it?"
Jamie shifts a little, obviously uncomfortable with his slip up. "Yeah, I saw it... I didn't tell you because I was so ashamed about it happening on my watch, I hate that I've caused all of this."
So Lainey was right, Jamie did know more than he first told me.
"Izzy listen to me," he says, taking both my hands, "when Karl clapped eyes on you, it set something off for him, and he found a way to get to me. When my Dad brought you back inside, he went nuts. The things he was saying about you Izzy… it was disgusting, I wanted to kill him!"
"Like what?" I ask, not entierly sure that I even want to know.
Jamie shakes his head in some form of wariness as he recounts what happened.
"Before you arrived outside, I told Karl that he could go to hell. I said that he could tell whoever he wanted about that night, because he was just as guilty as anyone else. I told him he wasn't getting a penny... I thought I could call his bluff."
Jamie looks up at me, a solemn expression forming on his face. "But then he changed his tactic Iz. After he saw you there, he found a better way to provoke me. He started talking about how you looked in that dress, and what he wanted to do… he said that if we didn't give him the money, that he was going to come for you."
My hands begin to tremble at the thought of what Jamie is suggesting. If I got even half a glimpse at Karls temper tonight, it was more than enough.
"He wants to get back at me for having him fired," Jamie says. "He's twisted Izzy, I've seen it first hand."
"Jamie, this is insane, you told me you knew nothing about any of this. Why didn't you go to the police?"
"Because," he explains, "my dad had already paid off that girl. If we went to the police now, it would risk every detail coming out, and that would totally destroy my father. Everything he's worked for, everytning he's built, it would all be gone."
I know that the business means everything to Jamie and his dad, and I can see they've worked hard for it, but doesnt this count as hiding illegal activity or something? Can they really do this?
"I really fucked up that night Izzy" Jamie says. "I can't even imagine what kind of money hungry roaches it would bring out of the woodwork if word got out. I love my dad, but that girl is not the first woman he's had to pay hush money to, I can tell you that for certain."
I'd well believe it knowing Tom.
I knew that whatever was going on was going to be bad, but I really didn't antisipate this.
"So how did you get rid of him?" I ask, "You didn't give him any money right?"
Jamie looks away from me guiltily.
"Wait, please tell me that you didn't give that psyco a single dime Jamie?"
"What was I supposed to do?" he asks,
throwing his hands in exasperation, "I wasn't about to risk him attacking you!"
"He can't have possibly been serious!"
"You don't know him Izzy, or what's he's capable of."
Jamie stands, gripping his hair as he paces back and forth in front of me.
"If you'd heard the things he said he'd do, the things he described! I can't even repeat it Izzy. I had to keep you safe."
Jamies eyes begin to water as he stares down at me. "I saw what he did with that girl," he says, "I wasn't risking him doing it to you."
My eyes grow wide in horror. God, I really hope that girl is alright. I can't believe that Tom tried to keep her quiet ahead of going to the police. It seems so wrong. But now of course, Jamie is doing the same thing. Although I don't know how?
"Actually, where did you even get that kind of money from Jamie?," I ask.
"My dad wrote him a cheque then and there, no questions."
Tom? Helping me out? Now I know there must be something to worry about.
This is all so bizarre. Who does that? Who blackmails people for money when they're so far into the secret themselves? It's not normal.
Questions continue to mount up in my mind as I sit and go over the events of the night. How come Karl showed up somewhere so public to make his demands and threats? Why involve me? And why did Jamie make me feel like I had done something wrong? Why not just tell me what really happened?
"I know you're wondering why I was such a prick to you," Jamie says, a clear hint of regret in his voice. I won't argue with his choice of wording, but I do allow him to explain.
He sits back down beside me, his shoulders slack. "I don't have any real excuse Izzy, not one that can justify how I acted anyway," he says. "I was angry at the things Karl had said, and I took that anger out on you. I kept thinking that if you just hadn't of come outside, that I could have fixed it all."
"Would it have really made any difference?"
"Probably not no," he admits, "but in my mind, I thought that if Karl hadn't seen you, then he wouldn't have made any threats. I know now that it wasn't fair to put that on you, unfortunately it just took me awhile to see the full picture."
"And what if you hadn't?," I ask. What if you had come back here, still pissed at me, and were unable to control yourself?"
Jamie stares at the ground, his silence saying more than any response could.
"You really scared me Jamie," I tell him. "You left me with no other option but to come back here and wait for god knows what. You took my wallet, and then made sure your driver would only bring me here. You took away all of my choices."
"I was sure I could calm myself down Iz, thats why I did those things, I didn't want you to leave again."
"And what about what I wanted Jamie? Didn't that matter? If you had just told me why you were sending me home, I'd have understood. I always try to understand don't I?"
I suddenly start to feel every single emotion that I've been holding onto rise up and finally spill over.
"I sat here all night wondering if you were going to come back here and hurt me," I say, my voice quivering.
Jamie pulls me close to him, wanting to banish all of the awful thoughts I had.
"I can't stand the idea that you were here worried about that all night Izzy." he says. "I know I should have done things differently, I know I should have told you, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think that a part of me wanted to scare you."
"But why?" I ask, wondering what he could possibly gain from that.
"Because, I was afraid that you'd try and talk me out of sending you home if I didn't. I needed to make you leave, because I didn't know if Karl would come back, but I also needed you to leave so that I couldn't hurt you."
He meets my eyes, tears pooling at the edges of his own.
"I stayed away." His voice breaks as a single tear slips down his cheek. "I didn't come back here until I saw sense, because deep down I knew that I was wrong. I've never had that feeling before Izzy, never. Normally I see red and I just lose it."
"But it was different this time?"
"Very different," he says, "I knew I couldn't mess this up again."
As odd as it may sound, I actually feel somewhat grateful when I hear that. I'm grateful because it's proof that the work Jamie has been doing on himself is starting to change things, and that he's gaining some self control. It's proof that we do have a chance.
I still have so many questions and doubts about what happened tonight. There's so many inconsistent details that stick out for me, like the fact that Jamie had seen that video, and how it was actually him that fired Karl. But after hearing Jamie talk about how ashamed of the whole thing he is, I think I can understand why he kept it from me.
"So what now?" I ask, pulling away from my doubts. "Karl has your dads money, do you trust him to stay away?"
"There's not much choice is there?" he says.
"I guess not, but does he know where we live?"
"I don't think so, I don't recall ever telling him."
That's a small reassurance, but I know that I'll still need to stay vigilant either way.
"I can't believe your dad did that for me. I'll need to thank him." I grimace at the idea. I'm going to owe Tom big time for this.
"No!" Jamie protests. "Don't ever mention it to him Izzy. Christ, if he knew I told anyone he'd kill me. He wanted this whole thing to be as discreet as possible."
"Wait, so not even I can know?," I ask.
"Nobody!" Jamie insists. "And you can't tell anyone either, I need you to promise me.
"
"Okay," I say, nodding my head, "I promise."
This whole night has turned out so unexpected. I sit and let the 'what if's' wash over me. What if we weren't somewhere I could leave? What if he had stayed angry at me? What if he had come home and hurt me again?
But then I think of something else.
What if, this had happened two months ago? I wouldn't be sitting here unharmed that's for sure. Jamie might not have picked the right way to manage things, but he did try to keep me safe, from him and from that nut job Karl. That has to stand for something doesn't it?
"Thank you," I blurt out. It's not what he's expecting. "Thank you for putting my safety first," I clarify. "I know it was hard for you to contain all of that emotion. There's a lot that happened that's not okay, but I can appreciate what you did for me in the moment."
Jamie stares back at me is wonder. "So, you're not upset?"
"I'm cautiously optimistic actually," I say, squeezing his hand. This is the first time his temper has really been pushed or tested to its limit, and I'm happy for both of us that it didn't end in the same old way.
"I'm very proud of you Jamie" I say, "you proved me wrong. I was so afraid of you back at the hotel, and I was sure you were going come back here and… well, then I don't know what."
"I really am so sorry Iz."
"But" I emphasise. "You didn't. You controlled it, you kept yourself away from me until you knew better. It might not be the epitome of self control, but it's a better outcome than the alternative right?"
"I really don't deserve you Izzy, you know that don't you?," Jamie says as he kisses my forehead. "Why do you put up with me?"
"Because, I love you," I say, "And I believe in us. I know we can do things better."
"I love you so much Izzy," he says, cuddling me into his chest.
I push Karl and his silly little threats to the back of my mind, I want to focus on the good that came from tonight. I hate the fact that Jamies evening was ruined by some idiot with a vendetta, but I'm proud that he was recognised by his peers.
"How did your dads speech go?" I ask.
"It was kind of cool actually, he called me up and had me say a few words, I was surprised that he wanted to share the spotlight, you know how much he loves it."
I'm actually a little sad that I missed that, it's not often Jamie gets any form of admiration from his dad, I know he'd have been ecstatic that it came his way for once.
"I would have loved to have seen you up there," I say, joyful at what he's achieved.
"It was short and sweet, just like you," he quips. "I gave a quick thank you to everyone for all their hard work, Dad did all the schmoozing. You really didn't miss much other than that… Oh wait," he says with a grin, "you did miss one thing."
"What? Tell me!"
"Dad and Mel were dancing together." He gives me an all telling look. "I swear, it was like seeing her only life goal come to fruition."
"Wow! Tom finally gave in huh?"
"Oh c'mon," he says, laughing with me, "you can't say he hasn't made her work for it!"
"Gosh, he really has hasn't he? Poor Mel... kind of."
I snuggle in closer to Jamie, letting him rest back on the couch as I lay on him. We stay like that for a while with our hands intertwined, holding on to all of the things we want.
"I wish we could have danced together," I whisper, longing for the night we deserved.
Jamie runs his hand through my hair, thinking to himself as I listen to his heartbeat.
"Hold on," he says before kissing my temple and gently moving me out of his way so he can get himself up.
About two years ago Jamie bought himself a record player. He dropped an absolute fortune to get one that the sales guy told him was 'top of the line'. Jamie has no real interest in music, and I don't think he's bothered with it much since he got it, but once he gets an idea into his head, that's it
I remember him telling me, "It's about how it looks, not what it does Iz," when I pointed out how little he used it. I've gotten plenty of enjoyment out of it though. Everytime I play it and hear the sound of the white noise as the needle touches the vinyl, I feel like I'm trasnported back in time to my grandfathers house. He played music twenty four seven on the record player at his house, everyday was an education there.
"Come here," Jamie says, smiling as he turns to me and holds out his hand.
Roberta Flack's version of The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face begins to play. I have to commend his song choice, it's beautiful.
Jamie takes my hand, guiding me to the middle of the floor. It feels a little weird with it being just us in our living room, but he looks so unbelievably happy that I lose all sense of self consciousness.
We dance together, slow and in time with the music. Jamie has always been a wonderful dancer, making it easy to be his partner.
This feels right, I don't want to say it feels like old times at all, because it doesn't. Its like new. New memories and a new beginning together. It feels like we might have finally got this right.
"You're everything to me Izzy," Jamie whispers into the room as we sway together.
Right now it feels that way. It feels as if we could be standing in a stadium full of people and only see each other. For the first time since I came back, I'm sure that I made the right choice.
As the song ends, we continue to move in silence, creating our own rhythm, content in the fact that we have each other. I stretch up on my toes to kiss his lips, reminding him of my earlier promise.
"I think it's about time that you took me to bed Mr.Reynolds."
He stills, looking down on me with a mischevious smile. "You won't have to ask me twice Iz."
He kisses me again, hungrier than before and cupping my face in his hands. All of a sudden I feel him lift me, making me yelp with laugher as he hoists me over his shoulder like he's some kind of caveman.
Jamie pulls at the dress he swore to rip off earlier as he carries me to our bedroom. There we stay, locked away for the rest of the night, entangled in each other. There's no worries of Karl or what could happen or old wounds at all. It's just us, sweet nothings and soft kisses inbetween drawn out moments of passion. We're happy together.
Finally.