IZZY
I need to get out of here.
I need to find Jamie and go, we can pick a cab up off the street for all I care, whatever gets me the hell out of this building the quickest.
My tear stained face catches my attention as I get a glimpse of it in a mirror that hangs along the corridor. I wipe at it in a hurry, but I keep moving, hoping I can disguise it as I go.
Taking a quick glace back toward Annies office, I make sure that Will hasn't made the mistake of following me, that would be the last thing I need Jamie to see.
What a stupid idea it was to ever come here.
"There you are!" Jamie says angrily. He's sitting with his arms folded when I get back to the table, his pursed lips only further highlighting the fact that he's irritated with me. How long was I in there? It felt like seconds. Any amount of time with Will feels like seconds.
"I- I went to find Annie, I wanted to say goodbye." My eyes fall to the floor, I'm aware that it makes me look guilty, but somehow I'm unable to do anything different. Maybe because I am guilty.
"And did you find her?" he asks, something sinister in the way he does. I peek up at him. Why is he watching me like that? Does he know?
As if by divine intervention, I suddenly hear Annie's laughter boom across the bar. That's why. He knew she was out here while I was gone. He's testing me.
"No," I say, shrugging my shoulders, "she wasn't there. I was sure she went inside with that lady Sybil, but I must have missed her. I'll call her tomorrow, we should get going."
"You were gone quite awhile, something must have kept you?"
Jamies leading questions don't help me to determine anything. Did he see me with Will? And why is he ignoring my eagerness to leave? It was him who didn't want to be here in the first place.
"I was?" I ask innocently. "Oh, I guess I got distracted. I was doing some snooping. You see that door over there?" I point behind him to the entrance of the kitchen, explaining how Annie got the wall on the other side knocked down so they could put in a new staff entrance. "I wanted to have a look around at the new layout, you should see her office, it's amazing."
I offer up a tight smile alongside my explanation. I've never been good at lying.
"I didn't realise you were so into interiors Iz," Jamie says. His menacing tone is enough to make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
"I guess I am… shall we go now?"
Please let me just get outside these doors so I can breathe again.
"I thought you wanted to say goodbye to Annie?" he says, "she's been right over there this whole time." His eyes point their way over to where Annie sits with Adam and some friends. I swear he's trying to trip me up.
"Oh, thats where she was?" I ask, feigning ignorance. "I couldn't find her when I first looked. I'll shoot over and say goodbye and then we can go okay? I'll just be a second."
I rush over so quickly that I imagine theres a trail of smoke behind me. All I want to do is leave.
"Izzy!," Annie calls when she spots me. "Come join us, are you having fun?"
Annie finally has a drink in her hand and a genuine smile on her face. It's about time she was enjoying herself.
"I am," I say, "but unfortunately it's time for us to get out of here." I lean into her, keeping my excuse brief. "Jamie has had quite a few drinks, so I'm going to get him home."
"He sure looks like it," Annie says, laughing as she peers behind me. I look back over my shoulder to see Jamie stumbling his way towards us. Shit. I hoped he'd wait for me at the table, guess I should have known better.
"Annie!" he bellows at her when he reaches us. "What a great night. Thank you so much for having us." Jamie takes her hand in his, not quite shaking it, but not really letting go either.
"I'm so glad you enjoyed it Jamie," she replies. There's that fake smile of hers again too.
Adam stands off to Annie's side, watching Jamie intensely. Something about the way he stares at him is off. He's scowling. Like he'd rather be in anyone else's company right now. I suppose I can hardly be surprised, Annie and him are together, and Will is his best friend. One way or another, he's going to know all about Jamie.
"I've gotta' admit," Jamie drawls, "I didn't think you'd pull this off Annie."
He keeps ahold of her hand, it's starting to make me feel uneasy.
"Really?" Annie asks, looking around at everyone awkwardly, "why not?"
He hunches over, shrinking himself closer to her height. "You just didn't strike me as much of a leader when I met you," he says.
She drops his hand like its hot coal. I watch on in shock as a bubbly hot feeling rises in my stomach. Why would he say something so rude?
Annie raises her chin so he knows that she's not intimidated. She's certainly not about to let him get the better of her, nor should she. I wish I was half as brave as she is.
"Is that because I couldn't lead Izzy away from you Jamie?" she asks coldly. " because I wouldn't worry, theres still time."
Jamie let's out an obnoxious laugh before turning his attention to Adam. "She's a rouge one isn't she?," he says, "You'll have to watch her."
What the hell does he think he's doing? This is not okay.
"I think you're the only one I need to watch around here," Adam says. He takes a step toward Jamie, prompting Annie to hold out her hand and stop him getting any closer. It seems like he was just waiting for Jamie to give him an excuse to do something.
"Jamie?" I take ahold of his arm, internally seething with rage. "I think we should be going now."
He looks around at the three of us, realising that we're all either offended, uncomfortable, or ready to kill him.
"Jeeze, chill out!," he says. "I was just kidding around. Has nobody got a sense of humour here or something?"
Annie steps in, trying her best to remain polite for my sake. "I think Izzy is right," she says, "You should get yourself home, sleep it off."
Jamie shakes his head with annoyance.
"Fine, mea culpa Annie, you did a wonderful job, you were a great host, and we throughly enjoyed ourselves."
He then looks to me, ensuring he can still be heard by the others. "There, you happy now?" he asks, cocking his head towards the door, "Let's go."
Jamie walks off ahead of me to get our coats, and I'm left with all eyes on me and a stunned silence. I don't think this moment could get any more embarassing.
Adam can't seem to hide his detest for Jamie. "You should have let me hit the prick," he mumbles to Annie, but I'm obviously close enough to hear it. She throws him a look so icy that I bet his heart skipped a beat. I don't blame him though, even I'd like to punch Jamie right now.
I save myself any further blushes and simply pretend that I didn't him. I want go home, so I put on a smile and get myself ready for another performance.
"You did so well tonight Annie, I can't tell you how proud I am of you." I reach my arms around her, giving her a squeeze and quietly talking into her ear. "I'm so sorry about Jamie, he's had far too much to drink."
"That's alright," she whispers, "It's not like we were ever going to be besties was it? Please be careful won't you? And call me if there's anything wrong?"
"Of course," I promise her, "but don't worry, I'll be fine."
"I love you," she says, squeezing me tighter.
"I love you too."
As I let her go, Annie grabs for my hand, gripping it tight and giving me a sad stare. I can read her like a book, she's fearful for me.
"You'll let me know you get home safe too won't you?" she asks, takeing another look over at Jamie as he leaves. "And tomorrow? Will you call me?"
"Sure," I agree, trying to put her at ease, "I'll do that, but please don't let this ruin your night. He's going to get home and fall straight asleep, I've seen him like this plenty of times. There won't be any issues."
I wave goodbye to her and Adam, hoping that what I've just told her turns out to be the truth.
Looking around on my way out, I notice that Will hasn't reappeared at all, which I'm grateful for. I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at him again after what just happened.
♾️
Jamie and I found a cab pretty easily, although from the get go I picked up on how eerily quiet he is. I put it down to all of the drinks he's had. I've never seen him put it away like that. I hope that he's not going to throw up, although the way he's swaying in his seat makes me think that it's only a matter of time.
"Jamie?" I say tentatively, shaking his arm to make sure he's not sleeping already.
"What?" he snaps.
"Are you're alright?"
I keep my voice low, I don't want the driver to think he has a risky passanger.
"I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?"
"I thought you might be feeling a little off, you had a lot to drink."
He sinks down into the seat, letting out a groan. "If you're gonna' whine at me about the joke I made back there, then you can save your breath. Your friend is too sensitive."
Theres an air of arrogance to what he just said that grates on me. I only needed Jamie to behave for one night. Was it really so hard?
I don't even consider giving him attitude about it while he's drunk. His self righteousness is only amplified when he's like this, so he'd never see it from my point of view anyway.
I keep my thoughts to myself, sit back and stare out the window, watching the street lights over head.
As each light shoots by, I'm reminded of the night Will took me to Shadow Lake, and how I watched them from his passenger seat, disappearing one by one until there was nothing left. The feeling I had about my night ahead then is strinkingly different to the one I have now.
I can't believe he kissed me. And that I kissed him back. I more than kissed him back… I suspect that I would have went a lot further with Will had the thought of Jamie waiting for me not came to mind.
Everything would have been blown apart in a second had he found us. I don't know why I'd do something so impetuous.
Taking a glance back over at Jamie, I notice how childlike he looks sitting there, watching the world pass him by. I'm sure he didn't mean any harm tonight. Maybe he drank so much because he was nervous.
A crippiling feeling of guilt falls over me. How can I have the audacity to be mad at him for a little bit of drunk talk when I'm the one who should be ashamed?
I mean, who shoves their tongue down some guys throat while their boyfriend is waiting dutifully nearby for them?
I wish I'd told Will not to kiss me. I wish I'd left that room the second he walked in. I didn't want to be there with him. I didn't want to see him… but when his fingers touched my skin, it was like he set me alight.
Around Will I seem to come alive in a way that I didn't know I could. I don't shy away from anything, I don't have to hide. He makes me feel like the flame of a candle, dancing in the heat while he watches, mesmerised by the colour and shape I can be.
The things he said to me play over and over again in my mind like a broken record. It's all so confusing.
"Did you enjoy yourself?"
Jamies surly voice fills the car, pulling me from my memory.
"Um, yeah, it was nice to switch off for a bit."
"Did you talk to anyone interesting?" he asks.
It sounds like a loaded question. I have to remind myself that he knows nothing about the kiss I was just day dreaming about in order to keep a level head.
"I did," I say lightly. "Annie introduced me to some of her friends, they were all really nice, not that I can remember many of their names though."
"Yeah?," Jamie says as he stares over at me, his cold eyes becoming dull and black under the darkness of the backseat. "Is that all Iz? Or was there someone else you had a little chat with that you want to tell me about?"
Fuck.
He's known this whole time.
I hate when he does this, quizzing me about things he already has the answers to. It's like an animal playing with their prey before they kill it. I've no idea what part of the truth to tell him, because I have no idea how much he knows.
"…I um… I was going to tell you." My hands begin to tremble, and I'm only too grateful that its dark enough in the back of this car for me to hide it.
"Tell me what Iz? That you think I'm stupid," he says matter-of-factly.
"I don't think that at all Jamie," I insist, "you know that. I didn't intend to see Will tonight, I swear, I just ran into him when I went looking for Annie. I wanted to tell you about it, I really did, but I thought it might be better to wait until we got home, or after you'd sobered up a bit. I didn't want it to be a big deal."
He doesn't buy it.
"If it wasn't a big deal, why not tell the truth a minute ago when I gave you the chance Izzy? Or when I asked what took you so long earlier? Did you really think I'd be convinced you were that interested in checking out some drywall?"
I try to explain myself, not that there's much point. Jamies mind is already made up; I'm guilty of something.
"I didn't want to cause a scene at the bar,"
I tell him. "I thought you'd be upset about it, like you are now."
He leans across the seat toward me, unconcerned with how threatening it looks.
"You're right" he says, "I am upset about it, but only because you're a goddamn liar."
The veins in his neck protrude as he grits his teeth, I know I need to pull this back before his suspicion leads him to the correct conclusion.
"Look," I say, keeping my voice low so the driver stops gawking at us in his mirror. "I know you don't like Will, and I know you don't want us to talk, but what was I meant to do Jamie? It was completly by chance that we were in there at the same time, and I could hardly be rude to him in his own bar."
"Huh…" Jamie sits back, acting like he's taking my side of things into consideration, but I'm aware thats not the case. We've been here before, I know its all a part of the show.
"So, what you're telling me Izzy, is that you remembered how I told you I didn't want you near him, but you chose to ignore it, is that it?"
"No," I argue, "he caught me off guard, he wasn't even supposed to be there tonight!"
Jamies arms fold over his chest like a disgruntled toddler. "So you said," he mutters, "but maybe that was a lie too."
He turns away, facing the window again and giving me the silent treatmemt. I'm relieved if I'm honest, we'd only go round in circles if I continued to defend myself. And besides, it's hard to actually do that when I know what really happened between Will and I.
The tension that fills the car is volatile, like a volcano that may erupt at any second, spewing it's anger all over the seats. I lay my head back onto the headrest behind me, ensuring not to breathe too loudly, lest I stir things further.
Closing my eyes, I keep quiet, listening to the low hum of music playing through the speakers as my body jostles with every bump on the road.
After a couple of minutes, I feel a sharp shove against my leg. Jamie has decided he's not ready to let it go.
"So c'mon then," he demands, "what did have to say?"
I frown, a little confused.
"About what?" I ask.
"Oh come on Izzy," he says,
smiling ominously, "he must have told you all about our little talk, I'm sure he had plenty to say about it."
"No… I mean, he did say he saw you, but that was it."
"You're a really bad liar Izzy."
Jamie reaches over, placing his hand on my knee. To a spectator like our driver, it could seem affectionate, but as he clamps his hand down into a vice like grip, it feels anything but.
"I'm not lying Jamie," I plead. "We ran into each other, we spoke for a second and then I left. That was it."
I spot our cab driver glance at Jamie through the rear view mirror, his focus suddenly switching to me, but I look away, ashamed of the fact that he has to witness any of this.
"Well if I wasn't the hot topic, what was it you two spoke about?," Jamie asks. "It must have been a lot more important?"
Am I really going to have to give a play by play of the conversation? Why is he so concerned with it anyway?
"Nothing, n- not much," I stammer, trying to think quick. "I asked him if he saw Annie around, but he hadn't. Then he mentioned that he had saw you in the bathroom, that was all."
"That's all?" His fingers squeeze tighter around my knee, a warning that I better be telling the truth.
I wince as I nod my head. "Yes, I swear."
"See, I'm not so sure I believe that Iz,"he says.
My heart sinks, I thought I might of had a shot there at ending this interrogation.
"I bet Will jumped at the chance to sell me as the bad guy," Jamie says. "He probably filled your head with all sorts of lies. But I know exactly what his intension has been with you all along Izzy, just like I told you before, so I made it crystal clear to him this time that he better keep it in his pants. Although I'm not so sure that it's only him that needs telling."
"Jamie, there was no need for any of that," I say, "Will and I were barely friends, and we're not even that now, just like you wanted. We're nothing."
"The fact that you just tried to lie to me about seeing him tells me there was every need Izzy," he says. "I want you to do as I asked and stay away from him, I would have thought that instruction was very simple for you to follow."
"I told you," I say, "I didn't want to upset you. We were having a nice time and I didn't want to ruin it."
The weight of his grip tightening on my leg is my indication of how little he trusts the words I'm saying. I lean forward a little, unable to tolerate the pain he's inflicting much longer.
Our cab driver then makes it known that he's not going to continue watching this and clears his throat, eyeing us both again.
"Fuck sake," Jamie mutters under his breath as he loosens his hold. "Looks like everybody needs reminding of their place tonight."
The last thing I want right now is for Jamie to get into an argument with a stranger, so I slide my hand over his, trying in vain to bring a sense of calm.
"I promise you," I tell him, "there was never anything to worry about Jamie, and there never will be either, okay?"
I look him dead in the eye as I lie to him this time, banking on it being persuasive
.
"We'll talk about it at home, in private," he barks. His voice is stern, and directed more toward the the driver than to me, but I know to say no more anyway. He shakes my hand off of his and sits back, eyeballing the front seat for the rest of the journey home.
Every now and again our driver looks at me in his mirror, I know what he's thinking, so I don't engage. It's both strange and sad too that a total stranger knows how wrong this situation is, and yet Jamie doesn't. Or at least he doesn't care.
As we pull up to the apartment block, the realisation that I'll be entierly alone with him in a matter of moments causes my adrenaline to begin to surge. The sound of my heartbeat echos through my ears. What is it all the clichés say? Follow your heart? Maybe that one was never about love at all.
"Here."
Jamie holds out some money for the driver, but the man doesn't take it right away, instead he waits until I look up and he has my attention.
"Are you both getting out here," he asks me, "or do you want me to make another stop?"
Jamie shoots me a look, daring me to try it.
"We're both getting out." I say, lowering my head as I sheepishly climb out of the car.
"Do you want the money or not buddy?," Jamie says, waving the cash at him, prompting the driver to reach back and snatch it from his hands.
"Thank you", I murmur before closing the door and letting the cold air hit me.
Jamie trips over his feet a little as he rounds the car, his drinks obviously still getting the better of him. "Another friend of yours?," he asks sarcastically as the car pulls away.
I watch the brake lights fade into the distance as the rest of my night comes into view. I wish I'd never gone to find Annie.
My body shivers as I search my bag for the door key, but Jamie doesn't seem at all bothered by the cold. He watches on impatiently until I eventually find them.
"Let's get inside," I say, jingling the keys in my hand, "a coffee might warm you up."
It might sober him up too with any luck.
"I don't need warming up," he grumbles, but he doesn't fight me on it either.
As we reach the door and the warmth it holds behind it, Jamie stops me, seemingly unable to wait another second.
"I won't ever let you make a fool of me," he says, "you understand that, don't you Izzy?"
I soak up his words, in no way surprised by the meaning behind them.
"I- I wouldn't... I wasn't trying to do anything like that Jamie."
"Good," he says reaching for my hand, "but I won't allow you to keep the company of anyone who tries it either. So promise me thats the end of things for you and those two troublemakers."
"Two?" I ask confused.
"Yes. Him, and his sister, I don't trust her."
My mouth falls open, how dare he think he can decide that for me.
"Wait," I say, pulling my hand from his. "Jamie I'm not agreeing to that, Annie is my best friend!"
"Please," he scoffs, "you've known her all of five minutes."
"That's beside the point, you can't dictate the women I'm friends with now too, I thought we talked about this? If anything you should be apologising to her for how you spoke to her tonight."
Jamies hand comes shooting across the space between us, it shouldn't surprise me, not anymore, but somehow it does.
Pulling my face to his, he bares his teeth. "Don't ever suggest that I have anything to apologise to that bitch for," he says seething.
Something inside me snaps. It could be how sick I am of all of this, or maybe its the anger festering inside of me about the things Will told me earlier, but either way, I amaze us both by lifting my hands between us and pushing Jamies shoulders as hard as I can, sending him back a few paces.
"Stop it!" I hiss. "I'm tired of this! I'm tired of you thinking that you can bully me into doing what you want Jamie. You asked me to stop talking to Will, fine! I can do that, but not Annie. That's not your call."
Jamie takes a small step back, looking me up and down. He oddly looks impressed.
"Look at you," he says, "fighting back for once."
There's an air of excitement in his voice as he moves toward me again, but I put my hands out infront of me and move back this time.
"I said stop Jamie! I told you when I came home, I'm not going to take this from you anymore."
He stills, tilting his head so that he's almost looking at me with a sideways view. I can imagine the cogs turning over in his mind, but I've no idea what he's thinking. Before he can decide what to do, my phone starts to ring, interrupting whatever twisted idea he was cooking up.
"Who's that?"
His accusing tone has me praying that it's not Will as I pull the phone from my bag.
A sigh of relief falls from my lips, "It's just Annie," I tell him. "I forgot she asked me to let her know we made it home safe."
Jamies presses his mouth into a fine line. "You mean she wanted to make sure that I'm not kicking the shit out of you after earlier," he says.
I don't take my eyes off him as the phone continues to chime. "She's just being a good friend Jamie."
"You were with her less than an hour ago," he points out. "You can make your own way home Izzy, you're not a fucking child!"
We both stare at the phone in silence as the ringing continues, it feels like its getting louder.
"Answer it!" Jamie huffs. "Tell her everything's fine."
I turn away from him, taking a deep breath as I slide my finger across the screen and force out an upbeat tone that I hope will sound convincing.
"Hey Annie! Sorry I didn't call you sooner, we've just got home."
"Iz-zy," she says playfully, "you okaaay?"
Oh wow, she is hammered. That could work for me.
"All good here, home safe and sound. The cab just dropped us off."
"Are you with him right now?," she drunkenly whispers. "Can you talk?"
I fiddle with the volume button on the side of the phone, lowering it incase she's overheard. Her voice isn't quite as hushed as she thinks it is.
"Yeah, Jamie's right here beside me," I say casually, "I think we're both ready to fall into bed."
"Ugh," she grunts, I hate you being with that jerk."
Unable to respond to that in a way that won't arose suspicion, I gloss over it as best I can.
"I know, but we had a great time. It sounds like you're having fun, I thought you'd be exhausted after the day you put in."
Her laugh carries through the phone. "Nuh-uh, the renovations are over, and I'm not here tomorrow, so you best believe that I am letting my hair down!"
"Good for you," I say with a giggle, "you should be."
I can hear Jamies foot tapping away like some sort of cartoon character, I've no desire to make things harder on myself tonight, so I make the effort to end my conversation.
"So, I better go okay Annie?," I
I say, "Thanks for checking in though."
"Sure thing doll, call me if you need to alright?"
"I will, have fun."
Hanging up the phone, I turn back to Jamie. After everything thats happened, I know I have to stand my ground with him about this. There's no fair reason for him to ask me to end my friendship with Annie, this is simply his own paronoia.
He watches as I walk back towards him, trying to stare me down.
"That one is becoming more and more of a problem every time you're with her," he says, sliding his hands into his pockets.
"She cares about me Jamie, is that such a bad thing?"
"She's interfering in things that don't concern her Izzy."
"I won't talk about us if that's what the problem is," I tell him, "but you can't decide this for me." I hold firm, trying my best to keep my voice clear and strong. "I'm not going through all of this again with you, she's my friend and that's not going to change just because you say so."
Jamie rubs a hand over his eyes, he's tired, not that I'm surprised.
"Fine, whatever," he says, "She'll fuck things up on her own anyway. I'm going inside, stay here and freeze if you want."
He roughly tears the keys from my hand, and opens the main door to the block before bolting inside. I have to run just to catch the door before it closes again and locks me out.
Jamie stomps off ahead of me to the stairwell, leaving me to follow.
I've got to admit, the fact that standing up for myself only seems to have gotten me another dose of the silent treatment isn't so bad. Actually, it kind of makes me feel proud of myself. For once I wasn't the obediant girlfriend, sacrificing the things I love for no good reason.
Jamie needed a reminder that he can't keep trying to control everything, especially me.
I should be brave more often.