Will and I dress back into our wet clothes with all the shyness of two teenagers, sneaking stolen glances toward one another as we do. We defiantly should not have done that here, but there's no going back now.
"You okay?" he asks, eyeing me from across the room. He's worried that I regret it, but I don't. Not a single bit.
"Yes, please stop worrying."
After he buttons up his pants, he comes and wraps his arms around my waist as I sit myself onto the desk we just defiled.
"Like I told you,"he says, "I wanted it to be a lot more with you Iz… not that I'm complaining."
"I sure hope not!" I quip.
Will leans into me, kissing me like he's done it a million times. Like I'm his.
I don't allow any real time for him to try to convince me that things could be different for us. I insist on diving straight into clean up mode, and drag him along for the ride, promising that we can continue talking after we sort the store out.
He helps me mop up the rest of the water before clearing some of the damages, recording and separating them as we go. We even have time to pull up the old disgusting carpet, although I was worried at one point that Will was going to vomit from the smell. Either way I was grateful for him, it was much easier having someone there to help me.
We spent the whole time talking and laughing about stupid meaningless things, the obvious weighing heavy on us throughout. I refused to stop cleaning until there was absolutely nothing left for us to do, because I figured the longer we worked, the longer we had with each other.
As Will threw the very last trash bag outside, Carol and Michelle still hadn't arrived back, meaning I'd have to make good on that promise and give Will more time to plead his case.
"Just come home with me Isobel," he says.
It's a statement rather than a question. One that breaks my heart. I stare back at him like he's insane, because he knows I can't do that.
"I'm serious Izzy, leave with me right now. Stay with me."
"Will, we went over this, I can't."
"I know. I know what you said, and I get it, but I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe, he won't ever come near you again."
"And what if comes for you huh?," I ask. "Then what? What would all the hell have been for if that were to happen?"
"What is it for now?"
That question astounds me. How can he not get why I'm doing this?
"I'm sorry Will," I tell him. "I know it's is hard to swallow, believe me I do, but I have to consider more than just myself in this."
"So what then?" he asks, "What do you expect me to do? Forget about this? About you and I? Because that's not happening."
I bury my face into my hands with a sigh, I don't know what else to tell him. I've no idea how I'm supposed forget this either, but we have to, because the thought of Jamie somehow finding out makes me terrified for both me and him. What he did a few days ago should have been enough to keep me away from Will forever, yet here I am, drunk on the feeling he gives me.
I'd consider it out of character of me to do something so aberrant if it wasn't for the fact it involved Will. Nothing I've ever done with him has been in character for me, right down to the day I met him.
Before we can get into it any further, I suddenly hear the keys turn in lock of the front door. It's got to be Carol and Michelle.
I immediately realise just how strange it will seem to them that Will is here, so I begin to usher him out the back entrance before they can see him. The less people that know he was here the better, not that he's prepared to go without a fight.
"Izzy, this conversation isn't over," he says, staying fixed in the doorway and making me feel like a weakling as I unsuccessfully try to move him.
"We've been here all day Will, nothing has changed, quick, you have to go!"
"Everything has changed, your lack of underwear right now should be enough to tell you that!"
Christ, why would he choose right now to remind me of that.
I can hear Michelle calling my name, I'm sure she can see the lights are on back here. I have to hurry this up.
"Fine," I say, giving in, "I'll call you okay?"
"No, for all you know that psycho is checking your phone. I'll come back, or maybe I can meet you somehwhere?"
Is he nuts?
"No!" I argue, "Don't come here, I'll come to you. I'm free on Wednesday, I can't promise, but I'll try."
I've reduced my voice to a low whisper as he finally steps outside, he really needs to go.
"Wednesday then," he says. "Come over whenever, I'll wait. You remeber where I told you right? It's block two, apartment seven. Tell that scumbag you're meeting Annie or something."
I bite my lower lip, recalling how Jamie also wanted me to end things with her.
"I'll see, things are strained where Annie's concerned too, but I'll figure it out."
Checking behind me, I hear the ladies chatter getting closer and closer. I turn back to Will, practically begging him to leave.
"Look, I'll do what I can okay?," I tell him. "Now go, please!"
Droping his shoulders, he finally agrees.
"Fine, but Izzy?"
"What!?"
Is he serious right now?
Stepping back into the doorway, Will kisses me one last time. I'd punch him for taking the risk if it wasn't so damn sweet. As he pulls away, he eyes are tinged with sadness.
"I really wish you wouldn't go back there," he says.
"I know, but I'll be okay, I'll see you soon."
Taking a moment that I really don't have, I watch as Will walks away, wondering if I've just lied to him or not.
Quietly closing the door, I turn around just in time to and greet Carol and Michelle.
"Hey Ladies! Gosh, I didn't hear you come in!"
"Oh Izzy," Carol gasps, "Look at you, you must be freezing!"
She immediately unzips her hoodie and throws it over my shoulders, which in turn makes me realise that I just sent Will outside soaking wet, and I don't even know if he had his car. I hope he's not cold.
I don't get to worry about it too much, because the ladies want me to walk them through every single detail of the day.
Showing them the stock room, I go over eveything I did, excluding the fact that Will was here helping. When I get to the part about the plumber forgetting to tighten the bolt, I notice Michelle purse her lips. I wouldn't like to be that guy tomorrow morning, I imagine he's going to get a call.
As we look over damages, I take note of the fact that in a way Will was right, it really wasn't as bad as it looked. We lost maybe a few hundred dollars of stock and a really gross carpet that was probably older than I am, but there seems to be nothing that the ladies can't claim back off of their insurance, which is a huge relief.
"We're so lucky to have you Izzy," Carol gushes, "I don't think anyone else would have handled it as well."
Michelle nods in agreement, rubbing my shoulders in an attempt to warm me up. I make sure to warn them that they may need to make a call though.
"I think you're going to have to check in with Jeremy," I tell them. "He was quite shook up when I first got here. I have a feeling he was worried that he did something wrong, but he ran the store entierly by himself until we closed without any problems, I couldn't have done it without him."
"I'll call him" Michelle assures me, "don't worry, the man lives on his nerves. Anyway you should really get yourself home too kiddo, have a nice hot shower and get dried off before you catch your death."
I couldn't agree more, so after saying my goodbyes, I leave them to lock up.
My whole body trembles with the cold all the way back in the car no matter how high I turn up the heat. By the time I get back to the apartment, my teeth are chattering and my skin is a sickly pale colour. I can't wait to get myself inside.
As I drop my keys onto the console, I hear my name being called from the living room.
"Izzy? Is that you?"
Great, Jamie's home.
"Yep, it's me"
Who else was it going to be?
Sticking my head into the room, I gesture a brief hello. Jamie and I haven't really talked all that much, I speak when I'm spoken to, but I suppose I'll have to fill him in on what happened considering that I'm late.
Jamie takes in the sight of me, damp head to toe with Carols hoodie wrapped around my shoulders.
"There was a burst pipe at the store." I explain.
"You look terrible!"
"I know, I had to sort through everything and clear up the mess. The ladies were away visiting Carols sister, Jeremy and I had to close the store, it was a little wild there for a bit."
"You must be exhausted," he says, "go and jump in the shower, I'll make you something to eat."
I shouldn't be so thrown by his kindness, this wouldn't be unusual to how we were before the other night.
"That would be great, thanks," I say, and then I do he suggests and go get myself cleaned up.
By the time I'm showered, and dried off, the pink hue has returned to my cheeks and we're all out of hot water.
There's a plate of scrambled eggs and toast waiting for me at the table, Jamie knows its my go to comfort food, so I'm not ungrateful for it.
"Thank you," I muster before sitting to eat.
Jamie takes a seat across from me with a plate of his own. I did hope he had already eaten and would leave me in peace, but I guess I have to ready myself for another night of Jamies Jekyll and Hyde persona. I wonder who I'll get tonight?
I really feel like his most recent outburst has changed something inside of me. It's made me see who he really is as a person. The Jamie I've come to know now is all he's ever going to be. I can accept it, and I can stop fighting for better, because there is none. This is as good as it's ever going to get.
"How are you feeling Iz?" he asks as be bites into a triangle of toast.
I don't know what he's asking me. How am I feeling about what? About him? Miserable. About life? A little hopeless, but I give the simplest answer I can.
"I'm fine."
The blame-worthy look on his face means we both know that's a lie.
"You can tell me the truth you know. You can always tell me anything."
I swallow down a bite of my eggs, if he could feel the ache that it gives me to do so, he'd know exactly why I didn't tell the truth.
I don't bother pretending that I'm interested in talking, I let us sit in this awkward quietness and pick at the food he's made, not caring about how rude it is.
"Do I need to be worried about anything here Izzy?," he asks.
My eyes shoot up to find Jamie has his locked on me. Watching.
"No," I falsely assure him, "there's nothing to worry about."
Placing his cutlery down either side of his plate, he sits back in his chair.
"I hope you're not planning on doing anything silly," he says.
"Silly?" I question
Like what? Falling for a man who's pleasure is torture? Now that would be silly.
"You know what I mean," he says, "I thought I was very clear with you the other night."
I stare down at the table in-front of me, remembering just how clear he was.
"You were," I say through gritted teeth.
"This doesn't have to be a bad thing Izzy. We can be exactly like we were before. I can be good to you."
A pang of fear creeps up on me, I don't quite understand what he's getting at. Does he expect me to act like nothing has happened?
When I don't answer him, Jamie reaches across the table, placing his hand on mine. "Nothing has really changed here Iz," he says, "not if you don't want it to. You're just more aware of some things now."
I take in a deep breath, nodding my head and keeping ahold of my anger. Nothing here is the same, and it never will be again.
Jamies nostrils flare as he watches me, I suspect my silence is irritating him, but what am I supposed to do? Gush over his generosity and be thankful for the prison cell of a life he's offering? Not a chance.
"So how are things going to be Izzy?" he asks, narrowing his eyes at me. "Wouldn't it be smart to make all of this easier on yourself?"
"What do mean by easier?," I ask.
"Well," he says, wiping his mouth with a napkin, "You can do all of the things you want to do. You can qualify as a teacher, do it full time, have access to a nice life and nice things… or you can make it difficult. You can fight me on everything, and I can take away all of the things you love. I'll make it all go away Izzy, one way or another."
One way or another. There's no missing that threat is there?
"No. You're right Jamie," I say, allowing my eyes to fall on his so he can see that I'm being truthful. " I don't want to lose what I have, we can make it easy."
I don't think I have any more fight left in me to go up against him anyway.
"Good," he says, squeezing my fingers before letting go and picking back up his cutlery, "that's settled then."
Jamie casually attempts to hold some kind of conversation as he eats, but even that is hard to tolerate.
"So how is your week looking Iz?," he asks.
"Will the store still operate as usual after the issues today?"
"Yes. The plumber looked after everything so they shouldn't lose any days to the repairs,
I'll be working my normal shifts."
"It's a lot for you don't you think? Juggling that at school?"
"It can be," I agree," but I'll have a few days off this weekend."
"Oh, did I not tell you?," he says, "I cancelled the Vegas trip, just for the minute."
"You did?"
I'm surprised, but I can't say that I'm not relieved about it, being here with him is scary enough, I can't imagine being somewhere unfamiliar.
"Yes, I thought under the circumstances you might be uncomfortable."
He glances towards my throat, I suppose he knew I couldn't possibly cover up there. I'd stick out like a sweaty sore thumb, and then all eyes would fall on him. I can't help but wonder who he was really trying to make comfortable.
I shrug in responce, wanting him to know just how little I care.
"We can go in December," he says, "I'll look at the dates later."
I'd rather not go at all, so try to make my excuses early.
"I'll have to help with exams at the school in December, so that might not work. I don't know what way the schedule will be yet."
"It'll be a weekend," he says, "it should be fine."
"Oh. We'll let me check with Michelle and Carol then, the shop can sometimes be busy in the run up to Christmas."
"No need," he says, "you won't be there."
Jamie doesn't wait for me to question that bombshell. He simply takes his empty dish and makes his way to the kitchen, opening up the dishwasher as he hums to himself.
I have a sinking feeling that I know what he's getting at already, but I question it in the hope I'm wrong.
"What do you mean I won't be there?" I call out to him.
The cutlery clinks into the rack as I wait for a reply, but when I get no answer, I follow him.
"Jamie? What did you mean by that?," I ask.
He leans against the counter, crossing one foot over the other.
"I don't want you there anymore Izzy," he says. "It's too much for you. You've been tired a lot, and just look at the state you came home in today. They left you to look after that mess by yourself? That's not your job."
I should have seen this coming days ago, he was never going to let me have that kind of freedom.
"They were out of town Jamie, it's not like this happens all of the time. It was just an accident."
"You're gone too much Iz. The only time I see you is when you're crawling into bed. I don't want to continue coming home to an empty house every night when I should be coming home to you and a hot meal."
Ah, so that's what it's about, the wife symbol. He's not concerned with my work load at all, he's concerned with himself. I can't let this happen.
"How am I supposed to pay for things Jamie?," I ask. "You're already covering rent now as it is, and the school only covers my travel costs."
"I've considered that," he affirms, "and when you're qualified and have a position, you can teach full time, just like I said you could. Then that will be your income."
"That's next September though, and only if I find a position, thats it's a year away!"
"I know it is,"he says, "so until then I'll cover your living costs."
My stomach twists into a knot, this is beyond crazy.
"You said this could be easy!," I argue, "You said I could continue doing what I wanted to do!"
"Yes, you can, but within reason Izzy. And what you're doing now isn't reasonable, not when I can give you the same thing while having you at home instead of working yourself into the ground."
"But I want to continue working Jamie," I say. "I want to earn my own money, as small as it might be, I like to know I'm doing it myself."
Ignoring my point, Jamie makes his proposal.
"Here's what I was thinking," he says, "you can work out your notice period, finish up next month or whenever it is, and after that I'll set up a direct debit into your account. We can do weekly or monthly, whatever you choose. Obviously it needs to cover your bills and gas and things like that, so if you could give me a running cost, that would be great. Then I'll add in an amount that I think will keep you comfortable in terms of doing the things you want to do. It will be more than you have now, you can be sure of that. You'll be able to buy some decent clothes and start getting your nails done or whatever you might like."
I'm honestly flabbergasted. I literally stand in front of him with my mouth agape in utter shock. I've never heard anything so insanely controlling in all my life.
"Jamie, thats not what I want. I need to continue working."
"It's out of the question Iz."
My patience is seriously frayed, he's not even trying to be reasonable. I give up on trying to comply with his rules and finally snap at him.
"Is this one of those times where you pretend to listen to the arguments I make and act like I have a say until I realise I don't Jamie? Because in future it would be much easier if you just told me in advance and saved my breath."
He remains unwavering, this decision was made well before today.
"Funny Iz," he says, "but I think I've been more than fair. Let those women know this week, I want it all out of the way by the end of next month."
Jamie brushes past me, leaving the room and the conversation. I feel like I could scream.
A tiny part of me thought that that working at the shop was a way to keep a piece of myself away from him, and now it's just another thing that he wants to take away.
I bet he thinks he has me fooled with his promise of letting me teach, but I know now that he's simply pacifying me. Letting me believe that I have something before he takes that too.
In a moment of helplessness, I find myself visiting the darkest depths of my mind, wondering if any of this is actually worth it, or if I should just cut out the middle man and end this all myself… but I know I can't do that. I still have my family to think about, or at least what's left of it.
Fuck Jamie. Fuck his overbearing decisions, fuck his fake smiles and conditional love. Fuck him. Why would I bother to obey the things he wants if he's just going to take everything anyway? That wasn't the deal.
I feel like I'm stuck in one of those fairlytales where the beast captures the girl and takes her away from everyone and everything she loves. But this life doesn't feel like it's getting a fairytale ending.
Screw it, if Jamie wants to run my whole life, then I'm going to take what I want from it first, starting with Will.
I don't know if I really believed that I'd go and see him like we agreed earlier. But now? Now not even wild horses could keep me away. I don't give a damn about Jamie or his demands. If I'm being bound into this life, I'm having one last day with Will before that happens.