Will and I lay talking for awhile, trying to put together some sort of plan. I thought the longer we went over it, the more likely it would be that I'd change my mind, but instead I only became more determined.
He wanted me to leave Jamie that very second and stay with him until we figured things out. We know without a doubt that we'll need to leave Ardeen, maybe even Cleveland, and as tempting as it was to stay with Will until then, ultimately I knew it wasn't the best approach.
After a little convincing from me, we decided to allow ourselves three weeks to get things organised. That meant that I had to continue life with Jamie as if everything was normal until then. But it gives Will time to pack up the things he wants to take with him, and it also gives us time to decide where we're going. Most importantly, it means that we can break the news to our families, friends and his band on our own terms. I definately don't want either of us to just up and disappear without warning, and if I didn't go back today, thats exactly what would have to happen.
I'll need a little time to decide what to do about the teaching placement. Will suggested that I should tell my college the whole situation and see what they're willing to do, but I don't see the point. Its not like I can travel back and forth with Jamie hanging around anyway. I don't want to give it up, I put everything I had into making it happen again, and I imagine dropping out for the second time might go against me in the long run. So for now, all I can do is hope that the college will defer me for the year and then maybe I can continue the placement elsewhere when we get settled. I'll have to email them tonight about it and cross my fingers.
It's kind of funny when I think about it, I wanted to finish my training so badly that I sunk every bit of my savings into it. But now, when it comes to making the choice between continuing it and staying with Jamie, or losing it and leaving with Will, I made the decision in the blink of an eye.
I'll still get to teach music, one way or another, its just the when that's a little foggy right now.
As for all of my things, we agreed that it's best not to pack or move anything of my own incase Jamie notices. There's really not a whole lot there that I want to take with me anyway. On the day we leave, I'll throw some clothes in a bag, take any pictures that are important and my violin, but that's it, whatever else I leave there he can have. I don't want anything that will remind me of him or the years we spent together.
All too soon I have to leave Wills place to get back home before Jamie, much to his disappointment.
"I don't want you to go yet," he says.
"Either do I, but don't worry, I'll figure out a way to see you again soon okay?"
"So I can't stop by the store again?," he asks.
"No, it's too risky, but I promise I'll work something out. There's no way I'll be going any real amount of time without the things we did today anyway."
That earns me a laugh. I say my goodbyes to him at the door, letting him kiss me before I go. He watches me as I walk to the elevator, calling after me as I press the button.
"I still love you even though you're not in my bed anymore."
Normally I'd shush him and be embarassed, but I'm not so stressed about those neighbours of his now, infact, I kind of hope they heard us through the walls earlier.
The elevator doors slide open, I give Will one last wave and step inside, filled to the brim with excitement and optimism about the furure I now have.
♾️
I remember to stop off at the grocery store on the way home as planned, and still manage to get home just in time to quickly shower, throw some dinner in the pan and email the college all before Jamie gets home.
The smile on my face hasn't faded a single bit since I got back here. I'm ready and able for whatever mood Jamie might have to throw at me tonight. There's really very little that could break my spirit right now.
When Jamie does get home, he's surprisingly chipper and full of chat about work throughout dinner. We should technically still be in the stand off stage, but I can't see the harm in letting it all go, especially as I know now that I won't have to suffer him forever.
"You're in a pretty good mood Iz," Jamie notes, "How'd it go with Sarah today?"
"Oh, yeah it was good. We picked up plenty of things for the baby. Clothes, toys, all of that stuff. It was fun, I'm very excited for her."
"That's nice, I thought she'd of had a lot of that already though."
"Yeah, no she does, but you can never have too much… or at least that's what she told me."
"Ah right, of course," he says. "I suppose we'll find that out for ourselves when we have one of our own."
I stare up at him bewildered.
"Our own what?"
"Our own baby Iz."
Those words sting like a slap in the face as Jamie smiles sweetly from across the table. An uneasy feeling courses through me. Is it not strange that he's bringing this up after Will and I discussed it only earlier today?
Although it's possible it could be a coincidence, I was meant to be baby shopping after all...
Clearing my throat, I try to shake off my surprise.
"I thought we had already agreed on that?,"
I say, reminding him of previous conversations.
There's an obvious shift in my demeanor, not that I can help it. It's absolutely crazy that he would suggest such a thing after what he did to me only days ago. His handprints are still on my neck for christsake.
"Well I believe we had more of a 'wait and see' stance on it, didn't we?" he says.
"Right, but a baby Jamie? I'm not so sure about that."
"Izzy, don't be silly, you adore kids."
"I adore handing them back too," I retort.
Jamies chest puffs as his nostrils flare with annoyance, but the simple fact is that children would be a disaster for us.
"I don't know Iz," he says, his tone somewhat clipped, "I've started to come around to the idea. It would be great to have you at home with one or two kids running around your feet wouldn't it?"
"What's the big obsession with having me at home Jamie? I haven't even began teaching yet."
"Yeah, but you could call it a career break or something."
"A career break from a career I haven't started yet?"
"Don't be so literal," he says, "I'm not implying that I want to get you pregnant this second. I'm just saying, when we're married and the time is right, it could be great."
"When we're married?," I ask.
What the fuck is he talking about? Have I gone back in time or something? I could have sworn we had this conversation weeks ago!
"C'mon Iz, I think you know that it's the best thing for us."
God, he sounds just like his father.
"Why are you suddenly so interested in all of this again Jamie? Is it something to do with you taking over Reynolds Group?"
"Well, yes and no."
It's only yes. There's no love in what Jamie wants, only gain.
"I mean it would obviouly speed things up for me professionally," he says, "but I think most people strive for a family unit of somesort don't they? Why couldn't that be us?"
I shouldn't push back so hard after seeing how far he'll go already, but all I see is red. How dare he be so selfish.
"So, just so I'm sure that I'm hearing you correctly," I say to him, "I told your dad that I wouldn't lie for you and pretend to be engaged, and now what? You're making me do it?"
"Making you? Don't be so ridiculous! The company aside, it's the right thing to do."
"Even though I said I didn't want to get married?"
"You won't feel that way when it comes to it Iz," he says.
Why am I in any way surprised at this? This is Jamie all over, he pushes and pushes until he gets what he wants. He's spent years moulding this relationship into whatever he desires it to be because he believes that I'm weak enough to let him. He knows I have no out. Or at least he thinks I don't.
I take a moment as we sit there to calm my mind and force myself to think logically. This isn't real. In a matter of weeks this will all be an awful memory, nothing more, so I don't have to fight him on it right now. I could. I could argue the point until I'm blue in the face, but what would that get me? A black eye? I'd only end out having to take a hit and be forced to agree with him in the end anyway.
I study him. The whites of his knuckles come through as he lifts his fork to his mouth, and the tension in his shoulders is straining his shirt. He stares back at me with great anticipation for my reaponce. He's expecting me to put up a fight. Actually, I kind of think he wants me to.
"I guess maybe in a few years it could be an option." I say, lifting a forkful of pasta to my mouth and refusing to look away from him.
"That was a quick turn around Izzy," he says.
Awh, I bet that disappointed his temper.
All the same, I probably need to try and play this game a bit better. If I'm going to be spending the next few weeks planning to run, I need Jamie to trust me and believe that I'm entirely his. So I can't give in to every demand.
"Not exactly." I say. "We've clearly both been thinking about it ever since you brought it up over the summer. We love each other don't we? It seems to be the logical next step."
"Logical?"
Christ, I feel as though I'm under a microscope,
"Sorry," I say, "that sounds a little clinical, it's not what I meant."
"Well what did you mean?"
Sweat coats the plams of my hands as he watches me, I should have argued.
"Nothing, just that I've been thinking about what you said before, about how things could be easy between us. I don't want a life of misery Jamie."
"Either do I, that was never my intension Izzy," he says, "I really do think we could be amazing together."
"I agree. And I think it's possible that I've been thinking about this all the wrong way. I think that if we're both open to compromise then-"
"Hold on," he says, lifting his hand to stop me, "by compromise you better not mean that you want me to let you continue working at that store? Because it's out of the question."
I look at him astounded, feeling sorry for the version of me who was willing to stay here with him. Here she is, agreeing to marry and have children with this absolute psyco, and yet he still wouldn't give her an inch.
"No," I say, trying to hide my dismay. "I wasn't asking you for anything. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I've come to see that you might be right about that too, I haven't been here enough. My workload has become too much, I haven't even been able to keep up with my classes."
"So you agree?," he asks. "Quitting the store is what's best for you?"
"Yes... I agree. I just meant that maybe we could start over, forget what might have happened this weekend and move passed it. We were doing good there for awhile weren't we?"
"Oh. Well I have to say I'm a little surprised, but I think that's a great idea Izzy," he says. "Really, I'm glad you've started to see things a little clearer."
I nod my head in response, grimacing on the inside. Is this really the half brained submissive girlfriend he was after all this time?
Jamie finishes up his pasta, leaving his empty plate for me to look after. But as he stands to leave the table, he comes to a stop behind me, placing his hands onto my shoulders. He lightly grips them, keeping me in place. I try to hold still, but a voice inside of me is screaming that he knows I'm lying. Maybe he even knows where I was today.
"I love you Izzy," he says, leaning down and planting a kiss right on the top of my head. "I promise, this will all work out for us, I know it."
Moving off, he leaves me be so he can relax onto the couch for the evening.
My skin crawls beneath my smile. I hate this, I hate pretending to love him back, but compliance is the best way forward. I don't have to fight him anymore, and I don't need to be his punching bag either. I just need to see out a few weeks. I can do that.
♾️
Without Vegas, our anniversary passes that weekend with little to no fuss. I'm pleasently surprised, usually Jamie wants to go out or do something to mark it, but I guess I couldn't really doll myself up all that much for him with a scarf.
There was a bunch of flowers and a card on the table in the kitchen when I woke up that morning and that was pretty much it. We agreed no gifts this year, and I suppose flowers don't count. Jamie went out of his way to be extra sweet to me though, taking me to breakfast and being far too attentive. I'd put it down to him feeling guilty, except for the fact that I know he doesn't.
As the days pass I'm able to sneak calls here and there with Will, using the phone at work or at the school office. I even took a long lunch from the store on tuesday and got over to his place for an hour. I was truely amazed by the amount of acrobatics he could fit into such a short amount of time!
I told him all about how I planned to deal with Jamie going forward. I explained that I could simply play ball with him until we leave, and that way I won't need to worry about upsetting him somehow. Will thought that it was a good tactic, although I know he'd rather that I wasn't near Jamie at all.
While debating where we should go, Will came up with an idea that's thankfully taken some of the pressure off of us. He suggested that we visit his mom in Denver for a little while, and then after we get there, we can pick somehwhere to settle without having to rush into it. I don't know why I find staying with his mom just as nerve wrecking as actually leaving, but I do. I really hope she likes me.
I've started to think about when we should tell everyone, I figure it's best to leave it as late as possible, that way there's very little room for error. We do decide to tell Annie together though. I know she's going to be happy for us, but I'm not sure how she's going to take the news that we're leaving.
I confide in Will how worried I am for her. I know Jamie will figure things out once Will goes off the radar alongside me, and I'm afraid that he'll pester her for details on where we might be, or worse.
This is the whole reason that I didn't want to leave in the first place. Jamies threats felt very real, they always do, so it's hard to accept that I'll be so far away if he tries anything stupid. Aswell as that, I've started to consider the possibility that he could go looking for revenge of somesort with Sarah, or maybe even the ladies. What if he tries to force my hand and lure me back by hurting one of them? That would be a fine way to do it.
Will doesn't think Jamie is likely to do a whole lot of anything once we're gone, except maybe look for me himself. I wish I had his optimisim. Even still, he plans to ask Adam to stay with Annie for a few weeks after we go so she isn't alone. I'll make sure I have everyone else warned to stay vigilant too.
It's been hard not to sprial and worry about every little thing, espically because I can't actually see or talk to Will as much as I want to. We rely on these brief phone calls to relay updates and plans to each other, and it doesnt feel like nearly enough. I know that it's important to remember that there's an end to all of this though, and we'll be there soon. I'll just have to fake happiness and domestic bliss until then.
♾️
When I got home from the school Thursday afternoon, I was only too happy to find the place in silence. Jamie has been heavily distracted with work the past week, and when he gets home, its usually a little later than normal. He mentioned that his dad has been hounding him a lot, and I've noticed that his phone is going off non stop. I'm not too sure what it's about, all I know is that the cogs are in motion to move the business to a multinational platform. I guess that means Tom will be a whole lot richer.
All the money in the world won't bring that man any real joy.
As I glance around the living room, all I see is Jamie. In the couch, in the coffee table, even in the candles that decorate the shelves; he chose all of it, this is all his. It's no wonder that it never felt like home.
I used to think there was something wrong with me for feeling like that. Now I realise it's not me that made it that way.
It amazes me that I almost allowed myself to believe all of the lies that Jamie told me. How I was the one to blame for the things he did, and that I was nothing without him. I was so convinced that he was the only one that could love me. But all it took was for me to feel real love to know that none of that was true. I know now that I can come away from all of this better off. Jamie can't.
When he does arrive home, it's unfortunately on time. I have everything prepared as he likes it though. Dinner is on the table, there's a beer in the fridge, and the pink lipped smile he's had from me all week is ready and waiting. For the tiniest sliver of time, Jamie gets to experience the adoring housewife he always wanted me to be.
"Wow!" he says, marvelling over my efforts. "Look at all this."
He takes a whiff of the Thai green curry that sits in front of him, one of his favourites.
"I had some time after I finished at the school," I tell him, "I thought you'd enjoy it, I know you're fond of spicy food."
"I am, I love it. Thank you Iz."
"No problem. You want a beer?"
"Please."
We eat our dinner with the same mindless chit chat that we've fallen into all week. He tells me all about his day, I comment on how hard he's working, and we have our meal with ease. If I were really planning on staying here, I'd have asked for a lobotomy by now.
"My dad wants me go to Michigan with him next week," he says. "Nothing big, just a client meeting. It's only one night so I'll be home Saturday evening."
An overnight trip. That sounds like it could be heaven for me.
"Really? That sounds interesting. How come he's taking you with him?," I ask.
"I'll be starting to take over more of the client facing stuff from next year, I imagine he wants to use this as an oppertunity to see how I do."
"Thats great, I'm sure you'll be fine. It's nothing you haven't done a million times from here before right?"
"Exactly. I could probably go solo," he says, "but I didn't argue with him, you know what he can be like."
"I sure do."
Once we finish up, and I can stop acting like I'm in any way interested in his day, I load the dishwasher and excuse myself so I can go take a shower.
Stepping under the hot spray, I pat myself on the back for deciding to go along with Jamie for the remainder of my sentence with him.
Choosing to keep things easy was the smartest way to do all of this.
In some ways, seeing him like this makes me feel sorry for him. It's sad that he thinks controlling my every move is the answer to his happiness. I wonder what things would be like now if I had just given in like this from the start. I bet his father would have handed him the keys to the kingdom long ago.
Wrapping a warm towel around my body, I step back into the bedroom, only to find Jamie waiting for me. The sight of him there makes me jump.
"Sorry," he says, "I didn't mean to startle you."
"That's alright. Is everything okay?"
My mind runs through anything I might have done wrong since he got home, but I come up short. I've been very careful.
"Of course," he says, "I just wanted to thank you for dinner."
Taking slow strides across the room, Jamie comes to meet me by the bed. The water that drips from my hair runs down my spine, making me very aware of how little I have on.
"It's not a problem," I tell him, "I like to cook for us."
I stare up at him in the hope that a thank you is all he's here to deliver, but as he purses his lips and grazes his fingers down the side of my arm, I know that hope is misguided.
Will and I never discussed this side of things, or how I might handle it. I thought I'd simply avoid it, but I should have known when I made the choice to be obedient that it might mean Jamie took it as a green light for intimacy.
"I should really get dressed," I say, thwarting his advances, "it's freezing in here."
"What's the rush?," he asks.
Jamie leans toward me, his tall frame always having to compensate when he wants to kiss me. I let him of course, but try to kill the idea that it will go any further.
"I'm a little tired Jamie…"
He narrows his eyes, ready to test me.
"I thought you said you wanted things to be easy with us?"
"I do, really, I'm just worn out that's all, its been a long week."
"Don't worry about that," he says, "I'm sure I can perk you up."
A sickening grin spreads across his face as he reaches for my towel, he's never been more unattractive to me than he is right now.
I make another attempt to brush him off, moving his hands away so I can go around him and grab myself some sweatpants, but he meets my side step.
"You love me don't you?," he asks.
"Yes… of course I do."
"So why can't you show me?"
I search my mind for an excuse that will stop this without me getting hurt, but his lenience is already dwindling.
"Please don't be a pricktease again Iz," he whines, "not after I've been so good to you."
What is this? Another say yes or I'll make you situation? I never for a moment thought that he'd try to apply that tactic here.
He closes in on me, kissing my lips in an effort to convince me. It's gentle, and I'm sure not too long ago I'd have welcomed it, but not now.
Glancing down at my hands as they latch onto the fabric that seperates us, Jamie doesn't seem to take the hint at all.
"You don't need to be shy with me Iz," he says, letting his mouth find mine again. It's hard this time, I feel his teeth clamp down on my bottom lip like a starved animal that's just found its lunch.
"Take this off," he demands as he yanks the towel from my grip before tearing it away and letting it pool around my ankles. My body freezes, I can't mask the look of sheer horror on my face. I don't wan't this, and whats worse is he knows it.
"Hey, don't look at me like that babe," he soothes, "you know I'm just trying to give us both the life we want. You want me to be happy, right?"
"Y- yes, but-"
"And I want that for you too, more than anything."
It's like I'm stuck in a nightmare, how did we somehow manage to get here? I have to try and reason with him.
"I get that Jamie, and I know you mean well, but I don't think I can."
"Oh c'mon'," he says, "it's just a bit of fun."
"But-"
"But what? I've held up my end of things, haven't I?"
"I know you have, it's just... I..."
Fuck, how do I get out of this?
He leans into me once more, I feel so pinned in that I don't even know how there's any room left between us for him to do so.
"Just what?," he whispers.
Before I can answer, Jamie takes ahold of my waist and runs sloppy kisses over my neck and shoulders. His lips are so cold against my skin that it gives me goosebumps. This feels so wrong. I press my hands to his chest, trying to seperate us, but it doesn't work. It only angers him.
He places his finger under my chin lifting my head so that we're eye to eye.
"You say you want to fix this Iz, but you're leaving all the heavy lifting to me. It doesn't work that way," he says. "If you want to make all of this right, then you have to make an effort too."
"I am," I insist, "I'm trying Jamie..."
My teeth begin to chatter. The only thing I'm trying to do is make sure that I don't end out on the ground fighting for my life again, but how do I avoid that and this at the same time?
"Then prove it to me Izzy," he says.
He makes himself sound so loving, but what he's asking me to do is the furthest thing from it. His hands grip at my shoulders as his eyes bore into mine.
"You can do this for me can't you?"
Can I? Can I make myself do this with him? I was ready for forever with him at one point, so can I fake it this one last time?
Jamie runs his fingers across my collar bone, making me pull away from him.
No. No I can't do it.
"I'm sorry," I say, my words coming out shaky and meek. "I can't do this right now, I don't want to."
His eyebrows raise in surprise, anger hidden within the creases that form on his brow.
"What?" he asks.
"I said I can't, I need more time Jamie."
He sighs exaggeratedly, rolling his eyes.
"Time? That old chestnut huh? What is it you're doing here Iz?," he asks, "Trying to weaponise sex?"
"No! No, never. Right now is just a bad time."
His cold stare doesn't let up, so I desperately clutch at straws.
"I'm exhausted, and I think I'm due my period any day now too. You know what I'm like then, all bloated and groggy, I'm just not feeling it."
"Nice try," he says, "but you've got at least another week."
Jesus Christ, is there anything this man isn't keeping tabs on?
Taking a tiny step back, I try to put some physical distance between us.
"I think we just need to slow things down a little," I tell him. "Let me put on some clothes and we can talk about it?"
I feel the surge in my chest as I start to panic, I know if he just gave me more time I could convince him to wait.
"What is it?," he asks. "Are not wet for me or something?".
A twisted smirk spreads over his face as he slides his hand between my legs, it's so fast that I register it only when I feel him touching me. His hand feels so much like an intruder that it makes me flinch. His fingers push their way inside of me, making me stomach heave.
"Humm…" he muses, disappointed. "That's fine, you'll get there, I'm ready enough for the both of us anyway."
Taking his hand away from me, he starts to undo his belt.
"Jamie, please," I say, backing away from him, but not even begging slows him down.
"I want you, that's not a bad thing Iz, in-fact a lot of women would kill for it."
With that, he pushes me back onto the bed, his body quickly pinning me down as he climbs over me.
There's no time for me to gather myself. His lips are on mine while his tongue forces its way into my mouth. It feels so different to when I was with Will. It's not a good different, this all feels so disgusting. It's like I'm betraying him.
I don't know what to do, I don't know how I'm supposed to say no to him anymore than I already have. I told myself I'd make this time as painless as possible, but this is not painless.
Pulling away as best I can, I move my head to the side.
"Can we hold on?," I plead. "I just need a minute Jamie."
He ignores me, holding me down with one hand as he pushes his underwear down with the other. There's no questioning it, he's not going to stop.
I make one last ditch effort to get him to back off.
"Wait, stop! I really don't wan-"
He doesn't wait, he doesn't care a single bit about what I want. He also doesn't care about hurting me either, because if he did, he'd realise how much harder it is for him to push himself inside of me, but he does it anyway. It makes my skin feel raw, like I'm being cut open from the inside as he tries to force himself in.
I grip his arms, crying out in pain. It's a cry that he mistakes for pleasure.
"That's right!," he says, "I wanna' know how good it feels Izzy."
He grits his teeth as he thrusts his hips, moving himself in and out, faster and faster. There's a burning feeling between my legs that becomes less and less bearable as he does.
Snaking his hand above my head he grips my wet hair, tilting my head back so he can look at me. Surely he'll see how much this hurts and he'll stop.
"I knew you'd like it!," he grunts. "It feels amazing doesn't it?"
I doesn't feel amazing. It doesn't feel anything close to it. Why can't I speak? Why can't I tell him to stop?
The bed rocks, knocking off the wall behind it with each pounding of his body that he makes me take. I force myself to shift all of my focus to it.
Thump,
Thump,
Thump.
It's like a drum beat. One that cancels out the sickening sound of him panting and moaning in my ear.
Thump,
Thump,
Thump.
Jamie pushes against my hips, driving himself as deep as he can.
I clamp my eyes shut.
Thump,
Thump,
Thump.
Keep your mind on that noise Izzy, it's going to be over soon.
Thump,
Thump,
Thump.
"This feels so good."
His words break my concentration, sounding slimy as they leave his mouth.
Focus!
Thump,
Thump,
Thump.
He's going to finish any second, it will all be fine.
Thump,
Thump,
Thump.
"Oh fuck! I needed this so bad Izzy."
Thump,
Thump,
Thump.
Jamie presses his hand to the mattress behind me, gripping my thigh with the other while he sends out a trail of expletives as he cums.
Staring up at the ceiling, I blink away tears as he rests his head on my shoulder and lets his body fall to mine while he gasps for air, telling me how much he loves me at the same time.
That's it.
It's over.