"No way!" Karl says, pointing his fork at me and flinging crumbs of food my way, "I'm not waiting another minute!"
"Karl, I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important."
"I can't. I've waited too long for this already Izzy. People in that company think I'm some kind of predator!"
"Just one week," I beg him, "that's all I'm asking, it won't change anything for you."
"Yes it will," he says, "I've sat back and watched Jamie do this stuff for far too long, it's time he paid for it."
His words sting me, are there other women like me and that girl?
"What do you mean this stuff?," I ask. "Has he done it before?"
"Maybe, I don't know," he says with a shrug. "But he's been cheating on you for as long as I can remember. Girls at the office, random people at parties, call girls, whoever he wanted. And I kept all of it a secret for him. I heard whispers of him being pushy, but I never saw it, not until that video came through."
Karls revelation shuts me up for the longest time. I don't know why it hurts me so much, but it does. I gave Jamie so much of me for so long. I had to fight my corner every time he'd accuse me of being unfaithful, all the while he was doing it with anyone who'd take his eye. I have to admit, even with how obvious it should have been, I'm blindsided.
I've no choice but to hold myself together right now, I refuse to break down in front of this guy, not when I have something much more important to do.
"Please Karl," I finally say, "all I'm asking for is a little more time"
"For what?"
"I'm leaving him."
He stops arguing with me just long enough to think it over, but I can see that I'll have a job on my hands trying to convince him.
"He's going out of town at the end of the week," I tell him, "I'm planning to do it then. I have everything in place, but I wasn't expecting this."
"What difference does this make?"
"Oh I don't know, maybe it's something to do with the fact that every time Jamie is in a bad mood, I'm the one that's standing at the end of his fist. I reckon that might be the kicker here Karl, but what do you think?"
I sit back in my chair and rolling my eyes, wondering how that wasn't entirely clear to him in the first place.
"I'm not sure I can," he says. "That's my honest answer. Rosemarie is out for his blood."
"You can tell her why. I know as a woman she's going to get it. All I'm asking of you is to help me avoid being the one that pays for any of this," I say. "If you publicise it now, it will send the company into chaos, which means Jamie won't be going on any trip, and I'll lose my only decent shot at leaving. If he catches me, or thinks for a second that my plan is to go, then I'm dead."
Karl drums his fingers on the table as my eyes plead with him. He can't possibly say no to this can he?
"One week," he says.
I exhale a huge sigh of relief.
"Thank you Karl!, You have no idea how much this will help."
"You could have left a long him time ago," he says, "The first time he touched you should have been the last."
He's right, it should have. But I loved Jamie, and I thought we could be better.
"I don't like to admit when I'm wrong Karl," I say, holding my head high, "but I know I was wrong about him. I believed in unconditional love when I met him, and I believed him everytime he told me it was the last time too. It's hard to give up on someone you love that much."
He watches me puzzled as I finish my coffee.
"You aren't at all who I was expecting when you told me you wanted to meet," he says.
"What were you expecting?"
"An insufferable bitch if I'm honest. Jamie didn't talk about you much, but I figured you'd be similar to him, not the polar opposite. I thought you were going to come in here knowing exactly who he is and what he did, and expect to be able throw money at me."
"Would it have worked if I did?," I ask.
"Once upon a time, but if this whole thing has taught me anything, it's that sometimes the revenge is the reward. Especially with people like Jamie. Look at Simon," he says, "he got his raise and a promotion to keep his mouth shut, and it still wasn't enough. Some people aren't worth the pay off."
"I guess so."
As I pick up my bag, Karl stops me before I leave.
"Do yourself a favour while you're putting your plans in place," he says, "delete that video if you have it. If Jamie is in any way suspicious that you're leaving, you can be sure he'll be checking your phone."
"Okay," I agree, "I'll do that. Make sure you keep it safe then."
"Oh it's safe. You call me the second things are done on your end, but if I don't hear from you in one week, I'm putting it out there regardless, got it?"
"That's as fair as I can ask you to be."
We stand together to leave as Karl sticks his hand out to shake mine.
"Thank you so much for this," I say again, "I'll be in touch soon."
"Good luck, and don't ever be stupid enough to go back to him either. You seem like a nice girl, far too good for him."
"It wont happen," I tell him, "don't worry."
Karl throws some money down on the table and waves to the waitress on his way out. I'm relieved I've managed to convince him to give me some time to put things back on track. Hopefully no other obstacles come my way after this.
♾️
Sitting into my car, the reality of all the things Jamie has done to so many of us really hits me. I let myself feel everything that I couldn't allow myself to inside of that little cafe. I'm so close to it all being over and yet it just continues to get worse.
Before I pull away, I do as Karl suggested and wipe the video, knowing that it's not worth the risk. I'm not even sure what I'd do with it anyway.
My phone vibrates in my hand with a message from Sarah. She's probably wondering what time I'm planning to see her. I wipe the tears from my eyes, and open it.
SARAH: Hey, you wanna come here? We're having a pyjama day! X
I start the car right away and head straight for her place. My mind continues to race with everything Karl has told me during the journey. I'm so angry. I'm angry for me, for that girl, for Karl and his wife. I don't know how to hold onto it. I don't know how I'm supposed to process it.
Just for now though, I know that I have to bury it deep, because if I thought that conversation with Karl was hard, I have an even harder one coming my way with Sarah.
After today, I have no idea when I'll see her or the girls next, and I'm really not sure how either of us are going to handle that.
♾️
Mark frowns at me in confusion as he opens the front door.
"Hey sis," he says, "Sarah said she hadn't heard from you yet?"
"Yeah, sorry, I was out already so I just came straight over. Is she around?"
"She's in the kitchen. Are you alright? You look a little shook up."
"Yeah," I say. "Well, no actually, I need to talk to Sarah, maybe you should be there too."
"Uh, alright sure. Let me just set the girls up with the TV and I'll follow you in. Nothings wrong is it? I mean nobody's hurt or anything?"
"No no, nothing like that, you take your time. Tell the girls I'll be in to see them in a bit."
I follow the sound of Sarah's singing into the kitchen, coming to a stop when I reach the doorway. I watch on as she dances herself around the room, so carefree and happy with her little baby bean growing inside of her.
Thoughts of what the next few weeks might look like for her creep to the forefront of my mind. I can't stop myself worrying for her, wondering if Jamie will come by to quiz her on where I could be.
What will he do if she doesn't give him the answers he wants?
What will the stress of it all do to her?
I feel the crushing weight of fear fall over me with that thought. I'm so terrified for her that I'm all of a sudden second guessing my decision.
Sarah stops dancing when she notices me standing there, I must look a sight. I feel like I've been dreaming this whole time and I'm just waking up.
"Izzy?" she says, quickly moving across the room towards me. "Izzy what is it?"
I can't get the words out, there's an overwhelming feeling of dread that consumes me and it feels like I'm drowning. Tears start to spill over, but I can't catch my breath long enough to explain myself.
I double over, locking my hands to my knees, I know what this is, but I've no way to stop it. All I can think of is the trouble Jamie might cause here when I go.
"Mark!" Sarah cries, "Mark get in here!"
She pulls me into the kitchen, sitting me down at the table as Mark comes rushing in behind us.
"What's wrong?," he asks.
"I don't know!" Sarah says, "I don't think she can breathe!"
"No!" I suck a breath in through my nose, trying to push it back out like Will taught me. What an awful time for this to happen.
"What do we do?" Sarah looks to Mark for some kind of guidance. "Should we call an ambulance?"
I try to push through, the tears continue to come and my whole body shivers with fear. I just need a minute to get myself together and I can explain.
Shaking my head at them, I signal for no ambulance, that's all I can give her for now.
"Should we try to get ahold of Jamie?" Mark asks.
That suggestion just makes it worse.
"No!" I say, taking in another breath. "Not him."
Giving myself a couple of seconds, I take the air in through my nose and push it out of my mouth again, it's then that I remember I'm supposed to be counting too.
Making eye contact with Sarah, I grip her arm, trying to stop her from freaking out.
"Just wait." I tell her.
"Wait?" Mark asks confused.
Sarah takes both my hands in hers, trusting what I've said while Mark steps behind me, rubbing my back as if I'm choaking on something.
"You're really scaring me here Izzy," he says, "what do you need me to do?"
Sucking in another gulp of air, I begin to whisper the numbers to myself, Sarah's perplexed by it, but she joins in anyway, following my lead.
We continue this as Mark looks on with his brow furrowed and his eyes bouncing between us, but he quickly figures it out.
"She's having a panic attack."
"Is that what this is Izzy?" Sarah asks, looking to me for an answer. I nod my head at her, thankful it's finally making sense
Marks drops down to my level, keeping his hand on my back. "It's alright Iz," he says, "we've got you."
The three of us repeat the process of counting over and over. My head hangs low as I grip Sarah's forearms. I'm all too aware that there's a pregnant woman squatting in front of me, trying to look after me when it should be the other way around. If I could just get this elephant off of my damn chest everything would be fine.
It feels like a lifetime has passed since I got here, but in reality it's probably been minutes. My lungs feel stretched as they fight to fill themselves up, but as one minute after the other of counts go by, I start to feel my body begin to lose tension, allowing the air to come a little more freely. The tears still roll, but my vice grip on Sarah starts to ease.
Both her and Mark silently watch me, sharing worried glances, but at least now I can finally get a few words out.
"I'm really sorry." I say, still shaking. I can only imagine what they're thinking.
Sarah looks like her head could explode.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "You've nothing to be sorry for, come here." She pulls me into her arms, holding me as tight as she can.
After awhile I have to make her let me go so I can pull a chair over beside me for her to sit down on. She stares at Mark in a daze, still not fully sure what just happened.
They wait patiently for me to compose myself so I can give them some form of reasoning. My eyes glisten at the idea of unleashing this secret all over again. I wish I didn't have to tell them.
"Okay" I say, wiping my eyes one last time. "I'm have to tell you both something, but I need you to let me get it all out before you ask any questions, okay?"
They both nod in agreement, entirely unprepared for the bomb of information I drop.
Yet again I have to relive things from start to finish like I did with Annie. None of it is any easier to admit to them then it was to her. Actually, if anything it's worse.
I describe the first time Jamie put his hands on me, glossing over the punches that came after, too many to count. I tell them about the times I left, and how I ended out going back. I recount every awful detail of my life with him right up to the point where he choked me on the floor of our apartment, but I stop there. I can't tell them about his most recent assault, I don't have it in me.
I go on to explain how I met Will, and why I fell so deeply for him, irrespective of the danger it brought. I then fill them in our plan to go away together. By the time I'm finished, I'm almost horse, and they both look like they've aged a couple years, but it's out there.
Every emotion that can be felt, is felt in this kitchen. Sarah goes from wanting to kill Jamie one minute, to crying over the fact she never realised the next. At one point she even gets angry at me for keeping it from her. I can't be upset about it. She's allowed to feel how she's feeling.
Mark on the other hand remains silent the whole time, taking it all in and keeping his hand in Sarah's when she needs it. It's impossible to read him, but once Sarah hits a lull in her questions, he begins to voice his shock.
"Jamie?," he questions. "Really? I just don't get it Iz, he's always seemed so placid and… I don't know, nice?"
I find it hard to take his tone any other way than as one that may not believe me.
"I know you think he's a good guy Mark," I reply, "and I'm not saying that he doesn't have his moments, but I'm telling the truth, I wouldn't lie about it."
Mark shakes his head in disgust, quickly correcting himself.
"That's not what I meant. Don't you think for a second that I don't know you Izzy. I believe you without question. I'm just... god, I don't know. I want to murder the guy! I can't understand why Will hasn't done it himself."
"You can't blame Will for any of this," I say. "He believed all the things I told him. I swore to him that Jamie had changed after I wen't back. When he found out it was still going on, he did everything he could to convince me to leave, but I thought it was safer for me if he stayed out of it and let me do things my own way."
"I bet that suited him too," Mark mumbles.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that I've known the guy a long time Izzy," he says. "I've seen him with other women, and I know how he is. It seems to me like he's got exactly what he wanted out of you without any concern for what it might have cost you if Jamie found out. I don't quite understand what he's getting out of it by disappearing with you now, but I don't think it's genuine."
Sarah sharply cuts in between Mark and I before I have a chance to respond, saving him the trouble of having his head verbally torn off.
"He loves her Mark," she says, "that's what he's getting out of it."
I knew if anyone was going to understand it would be her.
"I've seen them together," she continues, "it's undeniable. I knew there was something there for him the minute he told me he knew her."
Mark grumbles in some form of agreement, but he's not quite ready to believe in Wills new found monogomy.
"So what?" he asks me, "he's just fine with you playing house with Jamie until you go? Are you sure he'll even be there when you do?"
"Yes Mark, I'm sure. And as for me playing house with Jamie, I didn't really give Will a choice about it," I say, "I thought waiting until we were actually going would be smarter than hiding out at his apartment. Jamie would find me there in a heartbeat."
Marks sour face doesn't get any less so with that explanation, but I know that Will and I have done the right thing, so I don't care what he thinks.
Sarah ignores Marks skepticism, focusing back on the state I was in when I got here.
"What on earth happened today Izzy?" she asks, "What made you panic like that?"
Today. Where would I start? Today I found out that Jamie is the type of dirt bag who spent our whole relationship cheating. He may even be a serial rapist too, one that puts the blame on others around them, never second guessing if he's destroying a life in the process.
I can't admit that though, not yet. I'm not ready, and I have to stick to the plan. Besides, that's not what set me off.
"Jamie has made threats about me leaving before, but recently he told me he'd come for you guys too."
"I'd like to see him try it!" Mark scoffs, puffing his chest out like some kind of alpha male.
"That's what got to me," I admit. "It's not if he's going to hurt me, or hunt me down, it's if he tries to do it to any of you. I saw you dancing around in here looking so happy Sarah, and it made think about all of the things that could happen to you if I leave. Honestly, it's made me question if I'm really doing the right thing."
"You know you can't let him or his stupid threats stop you from leaving Izzy," she says. "This is what abusive people do, they isolate you and try to scare you into submission."
"But what if he follows through?," I ask, scared to death of what that might look like.
"He won't. I'll be careful Izzy, and so will Mark. But trust me," she says, "we won't hear from him, it's not us he has petrified."
I sigh, wondering how they all seem to be so confident about that.
"Will said the same thing," I tell her.
"Well he's right, and you can't stay, I won't let you."
Maybe everyone else has a point. Maybe Jamie won't do a thing. I know ultimately that Sarah's has a point though, I can't stay, and I don't want to either. There's a fear inside of me that I can't shake, but I refuse to let it control me anymore. I can't keep letting him win.
"Is there anything I can help with?" Mark asks, eager to get back into my good graces. "I can go over there and get your stuff together, you can come stay with us until you leave?"
"No, it's okay. I know what I'm doing. I don't want to bring any trouble to your door either, not when you've got the girls to worry about."
"You're not seriously going back there now are you?" Sarah asks, her expression strained with worry.
"Yes, it's just a few more days. And besides, when I leave, I want it to be with Will."
Her eyes sits wide with disbelief, but I don't let her argue the point. I can't possibly add any more disruption to their lives.
After what Jamie did to me the other night, I know that I should be itching to get away from him, but I have to think of the bigger picture. If I have to tell Will what happened, I don't know what he'll do, and with all of the connections Jamie's family have, I imagine it won't have to be much to get Will into some kind of trouble.
I won't bring any of the consequences to my sisters door either.
Right now, the safest thing to is live life as normal, that way nobody has to look over their shoulder. In a matter of days I'll be far away from Jamie.
"If you change your mind at all Iz, you know our door is always open." Mark says.
"Thank you," I say, "although I'm not so sure you could handle two Tully women bossing you around, even for a day or two."
He lets out a laugh, "Yeah, I guess I hadn't thought that one through. Are you sure Will knows what he's getting himself into?"
A shy smile creeps across my face, its too late now if he doesn't.
The three of us sit together a little longer discussing my plans. Sarah is nervous about me spending the next few days with Jamie, but I know what needs to be done.
I give her as much detail as I can about where I'll be, and promise to check in everyday. Thankfully that seems to keep her at ease, although it's not long before she notices that I've left one person off of my goodbye tour.
"When do you plan on telling Dad and Donna that you're leaving?" she asks.
I bite the inside of my cheek, I was banking on her simply understanding that I wasn't.
"I hadn't really planned on it at all actually," I say. "It's not like he's going to notice."
"That's not true at all Izzy, you need to tell him."
"You can always do it for me when I go, are you two talking again yet?"
"Not exactly," she says. "We've had some words."
"Well I think it's time you two made up,"
I tell her. "There's no point fighting over me Sarah, especially when I'm not going to be here. Does he even know you're pregnant yet?"
"Izzy!" she hisses as she looks up at Mark, trying to appear innocent. Crap, I forgot she wasn't supposed to tell me.
Mark gives her a scolding look. "You Tullys and your secrets," he tuts.
Sarah points her finger at me like she's one of the girls tattling on the other. "In my defence, she wasn't supposed to tell you that I told her!"
Marks laughs at her childishness, draping his arm around her shoulder and kissing her cheek. He can't be mad at the spread of good news.
I interrupt their little moment to bring us back to the point.
"Seriously Sarah, this isn't how you want to continue things with Dad is it?"
"No, but I don't want you to leave with all those bad feelings either," she says.
"Dad and I are what we are. I don't think a short conversation before I leave will change that. You need family around you right now, I know Donna's there, but you and Dad have a good relationship. Dont give that up."
"I'll think about it," she says, chewing her bottom lip. I give it until tomorrow afternoon before she's knocking on his door to see him. The two of them will sort things out, they always do.
I on the other hand only want to give my attention to the people that have always been good to me before I go. Tomorrow I'll tell the two ladies like I planned to, and then after that, nobody else needs to know.
I'm in the final stages now, there's no going back.