My hand is literally shaking as I press the buzzer for Wills apartment. Its early, but he did say to come over whenever, so I wanted to squeeze in as much time with him as I could.
The panic and worry that someone here might know me feels both irrational and valid at the same time.
What if they were to tell Jamie I was here?
Right, and what if elephants can fly Izzy?
I must have talked myself out of this a dozen times already. Telling myself that I couldn't risk it. That I was signing my death warrant, or that Will might get hurt. That last one almost stopped me, but then I thought about Jamie demanding that I become this kept woman, and I allowed my desire of freedom to trump everything else. Just this once.
I need to have this time with Will. I need to have one last reminder of what it's like to be in his company so I can take it with me.
When he buzzes me up, I feel like I have the world's whole population of butterflies in my stomach. I can't believe I'm doing this.
Will pulls open his door before I even knock. The jacket and baseball cap that he's sporting instantly throw me, was he on his way out? I did think it would be best for us to stay indoors.
Sensing my discomfort, he immediately puts me at ease.
"Don't worry," he says, "we're not staying nearby, nobody will see us. I thought we could go do something nice together and then come back here afterward."
"Something nice?"
"Something outdoors. As eager as I am to keep you in there all day, I figure some fresh air would be nice too."
"Alright," I agree, "that does sound good."
He leads us straight back to the elevator and down to the parking garage, opening my door for me before getting into the car himself.
This feels totally surreal, I can't quite wrap my head around how brazen I am around him.
Will doesn't waste any time with small talk as he sets off.
"So, how are you feeling after the other day, with us?"
The fact I'm here at all likely answers that question, but I entertain him all the same.
"If you're asking if I feel guilty this time the answer is still no. Not even a little bit."
"Good." He says, smiling over at me.
"I won't ever feel guilty for it,"I tell him. "Jamie can go to hell."
Will glances over at me with a worried expression. "Did something happen?," he asks.
I bite the inside of my cheek, still bitter over the restrictions Jamie is forcing on me.
"He's making me quit the store." I mumble.
"He's what!?"
"After I got home the other night, he said it was taking up too much of my time, and I wasn't around enough. He told me I had to quit."
"He can't make you do that," Will says.
A scoff escapes me as I stare out the window. He knows damn well that Jamie can make me do just about anything.
"I don't want to lose this placement Will,"
I say. "If it's not the store it's that."
"You really believe he's going to allow you to finish out college without ruining it? That's his plan Iz, to have you completely isolated and reliant on him. You know that right?"
My chest tightens, the deeper we move into this conversation, the more anger I feel about it.
"Obviously I know that," I say, "I'd be deluded if I thought otherwise."
Even though I'm the one that brought Jamie up in the first place, I'm already tired of talking about him, so I propose an idea.
"You know what?," I say, "Let's not talk about Jamie. For the rest of the day, let's just agree to have a nice time, no mention of him, or the future I'm looking at, or any of the shit he does, deal?"
"Izzy..."
"Please Will?," I ask, my eyes pleading with him.
"You're not being fair," he says.
"I know, but still, please?"
I'm completely manipulating the situation in my favour, but I'm allowed to be a little selfish here.
"Fine," Will says with a sigh, "you win."
I can see that he's disgruntled about it, but I've risked a lot to be here with him, so I want to enjoy it.
I was just lucky enough that Jamie was too distracted to ask me much about my day off today as it was. He's been kept busy these last few days with whatever's going on at work, so he didn't ask too many questions last night when we spoke about my plans. I didn't want to say I was meeting Annie in case it became an issue, so I told him that I planned to meet Sarah again, using baby shopping as an excuse. He did ask that I stop at the grocery store, so I ordered some things for collection ahead of time. I'll pick it up on my way home and he'll be none the wiser.
As Will continues to drive, I notice the route is much the same as one we'd taken before.
"Are we going where I think we are?" I ask.
"Is that alright?"
I nod enthusiastically, excited at the idea. "Perfect."
He's taking me back to Shadow Lake. Being there with him for the first time is one of my favourite memories with him, so it's bitter sweet that it will be my last too.
When we get there, Will pulls his trusty picnic blanket out along with a basket, he must have put it into his trunk before I arrived.
"Just some essentials," he says as he leads the way forward.
My heart melts, he's planned a picnic for us. It's totally perfect and soul crushing at the same time. How can somebody like him exist in my life in direct contrast to Jamie?
Will finds us a spot by the lake that's pretty much secluded bar a few squirrels. He lays out the blanket just like before and then opens up the basket. Pastries and smoothies are packet tight. He never fails to surprise me.
We sit together, snacking and talking. Of course he was right yet again, some fresh air was just what I needed.
While we listen to the crickets and birds sing around us, I find myself thinking back on all the times I came here as a kid.
"I've never been to this side of the lake before," I tell him. "Sarah and I always hung out by the waterfall so we could jump in."
"Really? I come here all the time, there's a great trail just on the other side of those trees over there."
He points over to the base of a really steep hill. It looks more like a mountain climb to me than a trail.
"I forgot how nice it could be here," I note, "sometimes I would slip away so I could sit at the edge of the lake alone. I'd perch myself on some rocks and dip my feet in, it's probably a little cold now though."
"I'll sit with you if you want?," he offers.
"Oh no, I better not."
I scrunch my nose at the idea.
"How come?"
I'm not really expecting to have to explain why, and when I think about it, I don't have a reason not to, just a niggling feeling in the pit of my stomach that Jamie wouldn't want me to do it if he were here. But he's not here, and I can do what I want, so I roll up my leggings, whip off my sneakers and socks and make my way over to the rocks with Will following close behind me.
We sit side by side, our hands intertwined and our feet submerged in the water. It's not nearly as cold as I expected.
I close my eyes, wishing this could be how it always is. Easy and free.
Lifting my head up to the sun, I let it soak my skin.
"Tell me something that nobody knows about you Will." I ask, wanting all the pieces of him that I can get.
He mulls it over, not having to search his mind too hard. But then he looks down into his lap, and his chest sinks a little.
"I told my dad I hated him the night before he died."
What a stupid question for me to ask him. I don't know what kind of answer I was expecting, but it wasn't that.
Keeping his head bowed, Will recounts the experience like it was yesterday.
"We were arguing," he says, "Annie was out with some friends. I can't even remember what the argument was about now, I just remember that he was chewing me out over something I did, stupid teenage stuff I suppose. I told him I hated him and stormed off to my room."
He moves his feet in the water, watching as it ripples.
"I went off to school the next morning without so much as a word to him, and when I got home he was already gone. Can you imagine that being the last thing your kid says to you before you die? That they hate you?"
"He knew you loved him Will," I say, trying to reassure him. "No matter what you might have said. Look at everything you and Annie have done to keep the bar going. He'd be so proud of you. Some words from a kid in the heat of the moment wouldn't change that."
"Yeah, maybe," he says. "I know it was a long time ago, and that he probably forgot all about it before he even went to sleep that night, but it doesn't stop me thinking about it the second I wake up every day."
I wish I could make that better for him. I'd love to take that guilt away, because he doesn't deserve to carry it. Pulling his hand closer to me, I place it in my lap, offering the only comfort I can by squeezing it tight.
"What about you?" he asks, clearing this throat.
"Me? I think you know everything there is to know about me already Will."
"Really? There's no other big secrets you're keeping from me?" He nudges me jokingly with his elbow, but I do have one thing that I'm keeping from him, and I know I'll have to let it out at some point.
"This is the probably the last time we're going to be together Will," I say.
I catch the look on his face out of the corner of my eye as I watch out over the lake. He knows why, he understands it, but he's still hurt.
Instead of fighting me on it, he simply sits with me, holding my hand and kicking our feet through the water as we have been the whole time. Accepting that sometimes we just don't get what we want.
"Let's go do the trail," he finally suggests.
"Is it steep?"
"It's not too tough, I think we could manage it."
And manage it he did, I on the other hand huffed and puffed my way up that stupid hill, which seemed to be a never ending hellscape upward. I should really consider adding an incline to my running because this was just embarrassing. Every now and again Will would look over his shoulder and laugh, but eventually we got to the top.
He leads us to a small patch of grass, letting me rest my legs.
"I thought you were going to pass out at one point back there," he jabs, "I hope you can make it back down."
"As long as it's all downhill I should be fine," I wheeze before gulping down a bottle of water that Will hands me.
We decide to stay for a little while, Will says he enjoys the view, but I think he's giving me extra time to recover. It's so quiet that it seems like nobody has ever been up here before. Impossible as I know it is, this spot now feels like it's just ours.
"I'd like to own a house up this high" he says as he looks out over all the hills. "I'd love to look out and see this every morning."
I can imagine the walk he'd have to endure if his car gave out. No thank you.
"I'd be happier in the suburbs," I say. "On a quiet street, maybe with a little park or playground nearby."
"For kids?"
"Yeah."
I realise what I'm saying sounds kind of silly, but it's just a pipe dream. I already know that I couldn't possibly have children with Jamie, I won't allow it. So I guess that means there's no need for the playground after all, or the quiet street, or the suburbs.
"Or not," I back track, "I suppose I don't need any of that."
"Do you want children Isobel?," Will asks. He's never one to beat around the bush is he?
If anyone else were asking me that question, it would be easy to lie and say no, but Will would see right through that.
"It wouldn't be a good idea now," I tell him, "I suppose it would have been nice though."
"So you're denying yourself the chance because of him?"
"It's the way it has to be." I say.
"And what if he decides that he wants some, what then?"
"Well that's not up to him."
"Isn't it?"
Wills voice is gruff as he looks away from me, obviously frustrated. Our 'no Jamie talk' rule is long forgotten.
I won't pretend that it doesn't scare me. Jamie could indeed make that decision, he never did give me a sure answer about children before. I'd refuse of couse, regardless of the personal cost. That will always be a line that I won't cross for him.
I knew coming to see Will today was going to give me a clear view of all the things I'll never have. It's hard to fathom that this is the last time I'll get do something like this with him. Or that it's the last time I'll hear his voice. The last time I'll see those eyes too. The very thought of it causes a lump to form in my throat and I feel myself becoming upset.
"Hey," Will reaches out, taking my arm. "I'm sorry, I know I agreed not to mention him." Pulling me towards him, he wraps his arm around me. I imagine he must be mentally exhausted from fighting me on this, yet he's never once looked defeated.
He makes the effort to move past it by whispering childish jokes to me that send me into a fit of giggles. I've always been a sucker for a lame dad joke.
"Oh, did I tell you who finally came clean to me," he says.
"Annie and Adam?"
"The very same. I gave them my best 'surprised' look, I think you'd have been impressed."
"No way? You didn't tell them you knew the whole time?," I ask.
"They honestly thought they were like secret spies Izzy, I couldn't do it to them."
My body vibrates with laughter, there really was nothing secret about it.
"Did you give Adam the old 'If you hurt her I'll kick you ass' routine?"
"Do I seem like the type?" he asks.
"No, I guess not."
"Exactly. Besides, I don't need to tell him, he knows."
I roll my eyes, although I dont doubt it. I'm glad that he's happy for them, and that Annie seems to have found someone so utterly perfect for her.
"Well, either way, it's great that they finally told you. Now you and I are the only ones sneaking around I guess."
Without another word, Will leans in and suddenly kisses me, taking my face in the palm of his hands before pulling back.
"I really couldn't wait any longer to do that," he says.
He comes back to me, his lips meeting mine again. It's intense and heated, and before I can really consider the location, I lean into him, thirsty for everything he gave me just days ago.
Pulling myself up, I grip his neck and cross over his body, keeping us together as I straddle him. His rough hands run up the back of my tank top, brushing over my skin in a way that sets off the pulse between my legs. Our mouths work together, barely pausing to take in a breath.
Will is the only one of us sensible enough to stop. His breath blows heavy and his lips are like swollen pink pillows as he does.
"As much as I want to continue this," he says, "I think we should go back to my place, this is a very popular spot."
My eyes round out as I check around us. I thought this was secluded!
Will is humoured by my sudden bout of modesty as I clamber to get up.
Looking towards the trail that leads us back down the hill. I'm suddenly a lot more willing to go back down than I was a little while ago.
"I can always carry you if you won't make it," Will says with a smirk.
"Funny, but I'm sure I'll manage."
"Suit yourself, I want you to walk behind me though okay?"
"Why?," I ask confused. "Are you afraid I'll fall?"
"No," he says as he wraps his arms around my waist, bringing his mouth to my ear. "I'm afraid that if I've to stare at your ass in those leggings all the way down that we won't make it home before your clothes come off."
Will leaves me both stunned and lustful as he saunters off ahead of me, looking back just once to flash me those soul sucking emeralds of his.
Yes, it's definately time to go.