I've always been one of those people that can sleep wherever I rest my head. I remember journeys in the back of my parents car with Sarah where I'd wake up and she would be scowling at me because she found it impossible to sleep while sitting upright.
Not me, I'd fall asleep on a bed of nails as long as I had a blanket. Last night however, that was not the case.
I tossed an turned for hours, petrified that Jamie would wake up and decide that he wanted to finish the job. Morning light began to peek through the curtains, and I was finally so exhausted that I drifted off, only to be woken a short while later with a seering hot pain cutting through my chest, and my skin coated in an ice cold sweat.
I was once told that dreams are our minds way of processing things for us. The things we want, the things we love, the things we fear most. In this case, I'd rather my subconcious had taken the morning off, but it seems that even my sleep has been infiltrated by the enemy now.
Jamie has managed to inject his poison all the way through me, reaching me in the only places I had to escape to.
I was having the same dream of Will that has been repeating over and over the past few weeks, only it was different now. I thought the old one was hard enough, but this? This was a like something taken from the depths of my worst nightmares.
Will was laying beside me like he always is when the dream comes, his smile pouring warmth throughout me. I was happy. Genuinely, whole heartedly happy. I don't think I've ever had that feeling before.
But then the door burst open, Jamie had found me, just like I knew he would. His face twisted with rage as he screamed and shouted all of the words hes used against me a million times before. Suddenly, his hands were around my throat again, just like last night, but Will couldn't reach me. He clawed and faught as hard as he could, but he couldn't save me.
He can't save me.
♾️
I'm late getting into the car to go and meet Sarah. I bit the bullet and messaged her this morning to see if she was free, which thankfully she was. She suggested I meet her and the girls at a playground near her house, I'm sure it will be nice to get to see them too.
I'm all too aware that this means I'll have to talk to her about dad, but if it gets me out of this apartment and away from the images of last night, it's worth the trade off.
I don't think my tardiness will be a big deal to Sarah, but all the same, I put my foot down as soon as I pull out of the apartment block to make up time.
Jamie was the reason I got so held up. He was hovering over my shoulder all morning before he went out, suggesting that it would be better to stay home. Eventually he had no choice but to accept it or he was going to be late himself, but he made sure to leave a subtle warning not to open my mouth before he left, reminding me of how much only he loves me.
When I first woke up this morning, and the panic of that nightmare subsided, I could smell bacon frying from the kitchen. Jamie had gotten up already and was cooking breakfast. I figured if he was up that early, then he must still be going to the car show with his buddies. I guess almost killing your girlfriend was no reason to cancel plans.
The sound of him singing along to the radio was jarring. It was like he didn't have a care in the world, all the while, I lay there wondering if I can really fake this forever. Not that theres much choice.
I had lay awake for hours afterward last night, combing over every detail of the evening. I've asked myself a million different questions. How could I get myself into a position like this? Why did it take so long to see who he is? What was I going to do in future when he lost his temper? Sit back and take it, or fight back? The the result will likely be the same either way.
As for me thinking I could behave and get by, I'm starting to see that it's not so likely. There's always going to be dinners I don't make quite right, other parties I don't perform correctly at, other men who mean nothing to me. I won't ever get it right.
I feel worn out, my body aches in ways I didn't know about, while my head feels as heavy as a bowling ball. I have this internal sense of panic that I'll have to mask when I see Sarah and the girls. I can't get them involved in all of this, his message was clear last night, and I don't want anyone else getting hurt.
Pulling into the carpark at the playground, I give myself a once over in the visor mirror, running my fingers over the tiny welts that decorate my throat like a necklace. I feel sticky with the amount of concealer I packed on this morning, but that still couldn't hide it all. I had to dig out the only turtle neck I own to help disguise the bruising. Thankfully it's a little chilly out today, so that works in my favour.
I pull the collar of my sweater up and relax my shoulders, pasting on a smile before I get out of the car.
When I spot Sarah pushing Emily on one of the swings, I begin to feel a little anxious. She's been calling a lot, wanting to talk about Dad, and I've avoided her every time. I know it's because I've been worried about what might happen between her and I. If that lunch really was end of things for me and dad, I fear that Sarah will take his side, and then I'll be entirely on my own. I guess I'm kind of on my own already in a way.
Anna notices me approaching before the others do. "Izzy!" she calls excitedly, running to me and jumping into my arms. I squeeze her a little too hard and hold her a little too long, suddenly struck by how close it came to never being able to do it again. She begins to wriggle in my arms, eager to get back to playing, but I carry her over to meet Sarah and Emily.
"Hey sis!" I chirp, trying to disguise how nervous I am.
"Hey yourself," she smiles, taking Anna from my arms and placing her down before pulling me into a hug. If I thought the one I gave Anna was tight, this one could break a rib!
"I've been so worried about you Iz," she says as she holds me, "Mark must have stopped me driving over to your place a million times."
The fact she's not mad at me actually makes me feel worse about how much I've been ignoring her, especially after I promised I'd make more of an effort.
"I'm sorry," I tell her, "I just wasn't ready, I know it makes me a sucky sister, but I needed time."
"He was so wrong Iz, and he knows it, trust me."
Anna saves me having to dive right into things by asking if I can play tag with her and Emily. I'm all for it, but Sarah is wise to my move and tells the girls to play by themselves for a few minutes so we can talk. My tactic only managed to save me all of ten seconds.
"We'll be right here okay girls?" Sarah points to a little bench where we can sit and still keep an eye on them. They nod happily and get right back to playing.
"So what's new?," Sarah asks, forcing an interest when we both know theres only one thing on her mind.
"Umm, nothing really," I tell her, "I've been working like crazy. Studying too. Outside that I just about have time to sleep. I did go to Benny's reopening last night though."
"Oh yeah! Adam mentioned something about that actually. He said he thought you'd be there. How was it?"
Ah yes, Adam. Possibly Sarah's only source of limited information on me these past few weeks.
"It was actually really nice," I say, smiling as the lie falls from my lips. I'm getting too good at it. "We should go there for something to eat sometime, the place looks phenomenal, I don't know how Annie pulled it all off so quick."
"Yeah, that would be nice. Oh wait!" Sarahs face lights up as she leans in like she has a secret. "Speaking of Annie, did you know her and Adam have been dating each other?"
"Um…" I try to hide my smile, she's going to kill me for not telling her.
"Oh Izzy, you little double-dealer!," she says.
"Sorry," I giggle. "I wasn't allowed to say anything, they hadn't told Will yet. It was all very secretive."
"Ah yes, I forgot that," she says. "He knows now though right? Adam said they were going to tell him."
"I don't know." I shrug, "Annie told me she wanted to wait until after the friends and family thing, I'm not sure if that meant today or last night. Either way, I'm sure she'll tell me how it goes."
"So, wait a second, was Will there last night?," Sarah asks curiously.
"Yep, he sure was."
And lord knows I paid for it.
"Oh gosh, how did that go? Was it weird having him and Jamie in the same room?"
"Uh, yeah, it was," I reply, "…but there was no problems, they didn't have to interact at all, so it was fine. Nothing to report."
"Thats a pity," she says jokingly, "you know I love some drama."
She has no idea, but it's best to keep it that way.
As the conversation continues, Sarah tacklessly begins to skate around the topic of dad a bit, asking leading questions in the hope the conversation strays there. I know it's only because she wants to fix things, so I go ahead and put her out of her misery.
"How's Donna?" I ask. "And dad?"
Her eyes widen in surprise, but her subtle hints were becoming less and less subtle.
"Donna is good," she says awkwardly. "…but um… I don't really know about Dad."
"Oh?" I ask confused, "Why not?"
"Well, I haven't really spoken to him. I'm mad at him."
I stare at her in surprise, I don't recall a single instance where Sarah and dad ever stopped talking.
"It's not over what happened at the lunch thing is it?" I question, athough I think I already know the answer.
"Of course it's over the lunch thing Iz!," Sarah exclaims, "What else? I couldn't excuse him this time."
Sarah looks away from me, folding her arms and biting the inside of her cheek. I can plainly see that she's trying not to cry.
I honestly didn't think for one second that her and Dad would argue over this. I thought she'd give him a hard time sure, but to stop talking to him? It's unheard of for them.
"Sarah, that's so silly," I say, reaching over and taking her hand. "I don't want this to impact your relationship with him at all. This is just me and dad, its how we are. There's no need to let yourself suffer for it."
"Are you kidding me Izzy? Do you really think I'd just let him away with it?," she asks. "He knows he did a horrible thing, and until he fixes it, I don't wanna' hear a word he has to say."
"But what about the girls? Don't they miss him?"
"Donna brings them over," she says, "actually she's picking them up from here in a while. She brings them over to their house for a few hours so they can still see him, and then Mark picks them up."
I feel awful that I didn't know about any of this, I thought life had just continued as normal for them, I never thought for a second that Sarah would stand in and fight my corner.
She wipes at her eyes, unable to stop a few of her tears escaping. It's not like her to get this upset.
"Oh god I'm so sorry!," she says blushing. "Ignore me, I've been so emotional today."
"Why today? Is everything okay?"
"Yeah," she nods, "there's just so much going on."
My heart breaks as she says that, I really haven't been there for her at all. I've spent so much time focusing on me and how I'm feeling, that I failed to consider what might be happening in the lifes of those around me.
"Is there anything I can help with?" I ask, in the hope I can somehow make things better.
Sarah hestitates momentarily, but then a shy smile spread across her face, leaving me stumped.
"What's going on Sarah? Tell me."
She throws her eyes over the girls to make sure that they're not in earshot before turning back to me.
"Mark said I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, so you better not tell him I told you," she warns.
"Oh my god!" I lean forward in anticipation, realising what she's trying to say. "You're pregnant?"
"Shhh, the girls don't know!"
"Holy shit!" I yell with excitement, "Sarah, this is amazing!"
Pulling her into a hug, I refuse to let the moment pass with the demure reaction she wanted. This is the best news I've had in forever.
"I'm so psyched for you guys," I say. "Tell me everything, how far along are you?"
"Five weeks," she says, "that's why I wasn't allowed tell you."
"Five?" I question, "What did you do, have sex just yesterday?"
Sarah howls with laughter, "Do you know how to make a baby Iz?"
"Well it was you who had to give me the talk so who knows what kind of facts I have wrong!"
"Wise ass!" she mumbles.
Sarah fills me in on all the details of the appointments she's booked for the next few weeks and the symptoms she insists she's already having. I really couldn't be more thrilled for her. For a short while, I even forget about things with Jamie, letting myself soak up her good news. I'm so excited for her and Mark.
The girls lose patience playing by themselves not long after that, so I have to dive on in sink can keep my 'favourite aunt' position in tact while Sarah cleverly uses her 'nausea' as an excuse not to run around after them. Not that I mind at all, she is giving me another bundle of energy to love after all.
After I've been tackled, tickled and taken to the pretend dungeon five or six times, Donna arrives to pick the girls up. Gosh that woman can move fast. The second she spotted me she was out of that car and on me like a light.
I wave to her as she approaches. "Donna, how are you?," I ask.
"Oh Izzy! I'm so glad to see you," she says, kissing my cheek while the two girls start to jump all over her. "How have you been? I've tried calling you but..."
"I know, I'm sorry, it's not anything personal. I just wanted a bit of time to deal with things my own way."
"Of course," she agrees, "absolutely, you've no need to apologise for that, and I won't say a word about it if it's not what you want."
"Not right now if thats okay?" I stare down at the girls as they pull at her, happy to have somebody new to play with. "I don't have any energy left to talk after these two little ladies wore me out anyway!," I joke, ruffling Emilys hair and making her giggle.
"Sure," Donna says, her disappointment evident, "not a problem. We can meet some other time, but just know that he knows he was wrong alright? That's all I'll say about it, promise." She then pretends to zip her lips closed, but I don't acknowledge her point. If my dad knows he was so wrong, how come he's made no attempt to rectify it? The man is an enigma.
After helping put on the girls coats, I pick Anna up to say goodbye. She's an excitable little thing, and as she squirms and laughs, she accidentally pulls at my sweater, catching her hand on the neck of it and pulling it downward. Sarah's too busy with Emily to notice, but Donnas mouth falls open as she eyes the bruises that I couldn't fully hide.
"Izzy, sweetheart," she says worriedly, "what happened there?" She points to my throat, keeping her voice low, like she might be afraid of the answer.
"Oh uh," I feel my pulse start to race as she waits for an answer. The longer I think the more her expression switches from curiosity to concern.
"Perfume." I blurt out.
"Perfume?" she repeats after me, and yes, it sounds equally as stupid when I hear it back.
"Yeah. I- I had a reaction to a new one that I tried, there must have been something in it that I'm allergic to. I broke out in this big rash and I've been scratching at it ever since."
I cringe as I blather on, going as far as suggesting that jasmine may have been the culprit ingredient. Jasmine, seriously? Who in their right mind would fall for this?
For once, luck is on my side, because Emily gets tired of waiting and begins to pull on Donnas pant leg, "Let's go Donna," she whines, "I wanna' see Pop Pop!"
"Sure thing Em," Donna says, still distracted by my story, "just one second."
Her eyes dart between my face and my sweater, her suspicion mounting, and to make it worse Sarah has now taken an interest in our discussion. I know she'll want to have a peek if she hears too much.
Donna tilts her head a little, still unsure. "You know Izzy," she says, "you should really have that checked out, it doesn't look much like a reaction to me."
Of course I had to tell the only nurse I know that it was medical. Idiot.
Emily continues to pull at her, grabbing at her hand and trying to drag her toward the car.
"Sure thing Donna," I say, aiming to appear unconcerned. "Don't worry about it, you better get going before one of those girls knocks you over."
I quickly turn my attention to Anna and Emily, blowing kisses and waving goodbye alongside Sarah.
Donna looks back once or twice, but as soon as Anna bolts toward her car, she has to get moving in order to keep up with her.
Sarah gives the girls one last wave and starts to rub her hands together, she's never been able to take any form cold, not even the slight chill thats currently nipping at the fingers.
"What was she talking about?" she asks me.
"Oh nothing important," I assure her, "just a little rash. Come on, let's get you into your car and warmed up before I have to listen to you tell me that the baby is an icecube!"
No further encouragement is needed as Sarah wraps her leather jacket a little tighter around herself and gets going, promising to have me over for dinner after my trip to Vegas.
♾️
The whole drive home I feel deflated.
I hadn't thought much about the trip before Sarah mentioned it. What am I going to do about that? Am I supposed to keep myself covered up? It's going to be warmer than here that's for sure. Jamie can hardly expect me to melt in a sweater the whole time I'm there can he?
Maybe he will. He expects me to live in misery now, so why not suffer heat stroke while I'm at it.
I grimmace as I think about how he behaved towards me this morning. It was like nothing had happened. He was so convincing too. If I didn't already know his tactics, I'd genuinely believe that he didn't remember a thing about last night.
But I know he does, and so do I.
I'll never forget it. .
I can't help but fantasise about all of the things that could have been if I had never met Jamie. Life would have been much easier. It would have been different. I'd be different…
Can I really not go? Just pack a bag and disappear tonight?
Maybe I could have before.
Before I naively believed that he'd change. Before I emptied out my savings account. Before he threatened anyone else.
Before I knew it could be the end of me.