The second we step foot into the apartment, Jamie pulls a bottle of Macallan from the shelf. That can only spell trouble, and although he's still giving me the cold shoulder, I feel that I at least have to try and and steer him away from consuming anymore alcohol tonight.
"Why dont I make you some coffee instead of that," I offer, hopeful that he'll see he needs to sober up, not get more drunk.
"Why don't you mind your own business," he shoots back, throwing me a dirty look so sharp that it instantly silences me.
He pours his drink neat, and then sits himself onto the couch in the living room while I hover in the kitchen aimlessly. I thought that standing up for myself outside was a good idea, but now I'm feeling a lot less sure about that.
"Izzy?" I hear him grunt, "Come in here."
Taking slow careful steps towards the living room, I keep a safe distance, coming only slightly past the edge of the kitchen. A couple steps to my right and I'd be in the hallway. If I had to go right now, I think I could make it to the front door before him.
"Everything okay?" I ask, keeping my voice as steady as I can. "You seem a little tired, maybe we should we go to bed?"
"Sure," he says, "right after you to tell me if you slept with him."
The words fall from his mouth so casually that I wonder if I misheard him at first, but with the way he's glaring at me, I know I didnt.
"What?" I ask, disconcerted by the direction this has taken. "That's ridiculous Jamie!"
"Thats not an answer," he says, raising his whiskey glass to his mouth. "And I don't want to have to ask you again."
"No!" I argue defensively. "The answer to that questions is no Jamie, I don't even know why you'd ask me that. And I really don't think now is the right time to be getting into any of this either. I'm going to bed, we can clear all of this up in the morning."
As I turn on my heel to leave, Jamies sudden roar roots me to the spot.
"You'll sit your ass down while I'm talking to you Izzy!"
Guardedly turning back to him, I can now see the rage he had so carefully packed away showing itself, it's practically pouring from him as be sits there glowering at me. That was a bad move on my part.
"Listen," my voice shakes, "don't you think you've had a lot to drink? Can't we just press pause on this for now, and talk about it tomorrow when our thoughts are clearer?"
"Don't even try it Izzy," he barks, his nostrils flaring. "Don't you try to pin any of this on the fact that I've had a few drinks. It's you. You're the problem."
"I'm not trying to pin anything on you," I explain. "All I meant was that I don't think it's helping things right now."
"What's not helping things, is you whoring around everytime my back is turned," he spits.
His words sting in a way that they shouldn't. It should feel like he's being unfair, or like I'm being accused of something that's not true. But as his venom seeps in and makes it's assault on me, a small part of me believes that he's right. Do I really have no fault in this? Didn't I kiss Will tonight? Jamie obviously has suspicion that something happened between us, and it's not all that far from the truth. So is he wrong to be angry with me?
Still, right or wrong, I don't want this to escalate into something we can't come back from, so I have to figure out a way to get Jamie to calm down.
I remember how separating ourselves worked the last time he was this worked up, it couldn't hurt to try it again.
"Do you want me to leave for a while?" I ask him, "Remember how that helped during the party? I could take a walk and give you some time alone? The last thing I want to do with you right now is argue."
"Wow, listen to doctor Izzy," Jamie replies dryly, "maybe if you weren't lying to me every five minutes we'd argue less, ever considered that?"
The fear that Jamie might be past the point of reason begins to settle in. I mentally run through my escape, calculating and measuring the risk of trying to get away now verses waiting to see what comes.
There's not a whole lot of time to weigh things up before Jamie has. He knocks back the end of his drink, slamming his glass onto the coffee table before advancing towards me, making me cower with fear.
"Did you play the damsel in distress with him Iz?" he taunts, "What did you do huh? Show him some bruises? Blame it all on me?"
I can feel the sharp edges of panic pierce my chest, I've already lost him to his anger, but I fruitlessly try to reach him anyway.
"I didn't tell him anything about the things you did, I promise. Please Jamie, let's just take a minute-"
"What I did?" he yells. "Is that how you played it? Consequence Izzy, that's what it's called. The things that I do, are the consequences of your own stupidity."
He can't really believe that can he? Surely when he cools down and sobers up a bit he'll see how insane that sounds.
Pacing the floor in front of me, Jamie only seems to be getting angier and angrier. How the hell am I going to stop this?
"You're an ungrateful bitch do you know that?," he says, "Look at the life I've given you! And that's how you repay me?"
"Jamie, I didn't do anything!"
Slowly backing away, I use my hands to feel my way along the wall behind me, edging myself towards the doorway.
"I bet you loved the attention!" he says with a snarl. "Some new idiot to fall all over you while you played the victim. Did he tell you to leave me? Offer to be the one to take you in? I bet he did, the desperate fuck."
"There was nothing like that! Look, we can talk about this properly, theres no need for any of this to get out of hand. You'll understand, I promise."
I watch on as his breathing becomes laboured, the anger becoming the only part of him I can see, but it's not until he comes to a stop right in front of me, gritting his teeth and puffing his chest that I realise, I'm officialy out of time.
"I'm only going to ask you this once more Izzy, and I want the truth. Did you fuck him?"
The familiar fear of what's about to take place begins to build as my hands begins to shake. I know he doesn't care about the truth, he only cares about what he wants to do next. Will was right, he told me that Jamie would find a reason, and that's exactly what he did. He was right about everything, and I had the audacity to call him a liar.
I'm left with no choice but to resign myself to what's coming. There's no point trying to reason any longer. Instead, I peer up at Jamie, forcing him to look me in the eye before he makes his move.
"What does it matter?" I ask. "You're going to believe whatever you want to believe, and do whatever you want to do either way aren't you? So you should just do it."
I can tell that I've thrown him off slightly by not conformimg to our usual dance. I'd normally be begging him to see the truth, or to forgive me by now. But puzzled about it as he may be, it still doesn't seem to change anything.
"You know," he says, "I'd love to say that that's really brave Izzy... but actually, it just makes me want to do this a whole lot more."
Evil emanates from his every pore as he lunges at me, his hands missing me by a hairs width when I instinctively jerk back away from him. I run for the door, just about getting the tips of my fingers to the handle when it's ripped from my grasp.
Jamie pulls me backward, throwing me to the floor, a loud yelp escapes me as I land with a thud against the hard timber. With that one swift movement, he's managed to place himself between me and my only escape route.
Scrambling for the bedroom, I manage to trip over myself in my haste to get up. As quick as he was before, Jamie grabs a hold of my ankle, pulling me back towards him as he drops to his knees. He pins me beneath him until all I can do is wriggle in protest.
I push and shove to try and get myself free, I even attempt to shout out for help, praying a neighbour will hear, but Jamie silences me with the palm of his hand, hitting me across the face so hard that it stuns me.
"Shut up!" he says, his jaw clenched tight. "Don't say another word or I swear to god it will be your last."
His eyes are wild as he leans over me, wrapping his hands around my throat and squeezing so tight that my vision blurs.
"You'll never leave me," he spits, "Not for him, not for anybody, do you understand? I'll kill you before I let it happen!
Scraping at his hands as they push down on my windpipe, I desperately struggle to take a breath. But fighting back only makes him press that bit harder, cursing me as he does it.
I try and I try to pry his fingers from my neck, but he's not letting up, and each time I lift my arms in an attempt to push him away, they have a little less strength behind them then the seconds before.
It's strange, I've often heard of the different thoughts that can run through a persons mind in the moments before death. Loved ones, weddings, the birth of children; all of lifes most cherished experiences. But I don't get any of that. Instead, all I think of is Will, standing in that office, telling me that he has feelings for me. It's like I didn't fully register what he said until this very minute.
I'm a fool. I could have stayed there and I could have been with him right now if I'd have just listened. But I came back here with Jamie, walking myself into hell with the devil. What was I thinking?
It's not until Jamie feels my body start to go limp and my hands lose all strength that he retains some form of humanity and loosens his grip, allowing me to catch my breath.
Coughing and spluttering, my lungs fight to fill themselves again.
I search every corner of my mind for a way to make him stop, I have to convince him that he's wrong before he kills me. I'll say whatever I need to say right now to get as far as tomorrow.
I plead with him as he hovers over me, his hands still on my neck, making sure that I know I'm only still breathing by his mercy.
"Stop! Stop Jamie!" I beg him between breaths. "I didn't sleep with Will, I wouldn't dream of it. I could never do that to you."
He presses down one more time, leaving me gasping, his drunken state making him crueler than I could have ever imagined.
"I'll destroy your whole sorry excuse of a life Izzy. I can take everything away from you, just like I did before. Is that what you want?"
"No!" I wheeze as he threatens to presses again. "No Jamie, I was stupid, I know that, I'm so sorry! But I never ever slept with him, why would I? I love you!"
Upon hearing those three words, Jamie finally lets go, shifting his weight back off of me. He looks down on me as I continue to cough for air, trying pointlessly to wipe away tears that won't stop coming. But there's no sympathy from him, and absolutely no sign of regret.
He looks at me like he wants to bury me.
"If I ever find out you're lying…"
"You won't!" I sob. "I'm not, please Jamie, you have to stop."
He watches me, mulling it over like it's a hard decision not to hurt me. He did his absolute worst, and I still didn't admit to the things he accused me of. Thankfully, that must mean something to him, because he slowly pulls back and stands to his feet.
"Go clean yourself up," he orders, signaling my permission to move. I don't waste a single second and bolt straight for the bathroom.
"Oh, and Izzy?," his heavy voice calls from behind me, sending a shiver down my spine. "I know you thought that all the therapy and whatever else had changed the dynamic here somehow," he says, "but I think your position on that is a whole lot clearer now, isn't it?"
"Y-yes." I reply.
It's all painfully clear, he runs things, I just exist within them.
His eyes trace over me one more time, I imagine he's proud of the blubbering heap he's turned me into.
"You need to know that there's no length that I won't go to to keep you Izzy," he says. "None. So if you do ever get foolish enough to try and leave again, I'll make sure that it's the last thing you do. You, and whoever might try to help you. Understand?"
"Yes..." I wisper again.
"Good. Now go wash your face, it's a mess."
♾️
Leaning over the sink in the bathroom, I silently let my tears fall, wondering how on earth I let him talk me into comimg back here for this.
Fallen mascara stains my face, leaving traces of all the broken promises he made me. Of all the things Jamie has ever done, he's never made me feel like my life was in danger. Not like this.
The reality of what he just told me brings a sense of despair that could buckle out my knees if I wasn't hanging onto this vanity so tight. I finally understand why the threat of me leaving never seemed to stop him when he lost his temper. It was because he never intended to allow me to do so. At least not alive.
All of his progress, all of the efforts he's made, it's all been completely erased. Why did I ever think he would change? He is exactly who he has shown me he is a hundred times over. And what did I do every time? I looked the other way, I made excuses and I let him away with it. I told myself he could change, he could be better. I was fooling myself.
What do I do? Staying here could kill me, but I know now that trying to run absolutely would. And even if I did do that, and somehow evaded him, how long would that last? Jamie has the determination to find me, and an endless supply of money from his father to do it too.
Although I never wanted Sarah or the ladies to find out about my life with Jamie, I think subconsciously, I always thought that they were still an option. Deep down I figured that if I ever really needed their help, that I could go to them.
Not anymore.
There was no misunderstanding what Jamie said. He'd hurt whoever helped me. That's not a risk I'm willing to take. Not ever, I love them too damn much, and I wouldn't wish his wrath on anybody, especially not the remaining few in my life.
And then of course, I have to wonder that if I left and didn't tell anybody, could I trust that he wouldn't hurt them anyway? Would he believe them when they tell him they don't know where I am? And could I really do that? Just disappear without so much as a note? I can't begin to imagine what that would do to Sarah. Not to mention the lack of money I have to actually go anywhere. I was so excited to get back and finish my training that I emptied my savings acount to do it. How did I not consider this possiblity when I did that?
Shit. What about school? I've sunken every last penny I had into it so I can teach. How do I do that if I leave? Jamie knows when all my classes are and what school I'm teaching at, I'd be a sitting duck. I'd have to drop out again. So that means I'd be broke, alone, running from a man that wants to kill me, and still no closer to a career.
This has become the kind of mess that I cant seem to figure my way out of.
I run through all of the options I have over and over and over again. Eliminating one choice after the other. The list only gets smaller until I reluctantly come to the conclusion that I have to accept my only one.
I have no choice but to stay here.
I won't risk anyone I love, its not up for debate. And I know that if I go, I can't get far, and that means he'll find me. But if I stay, and if I behave and do what he wants, then he won't have a lot of reasons to hurt me, and I'll get to finish school. At least then it would only be me at risk and nobody else.
God, am I really considering staying here with this psychopath? How have I managed to back myself into a corner like this. How was I so blind?
The fact I was ever trustful enough to believe that Jamie actually wanted to change astounds me. He must have been laughing at how gullible I've been this whole time.
A sudden knock on the bathroom door startles me, I thought I'd be able to avoid the inevitable and keep myself locked away in here a while longer, but Jamie has other ideas.
"Izzy, are you all done in there?" he asks.
I don't know how long he's been out there, he's been so quiet. Maybe he's been waiting mere feet from me this whole time.
"I'll just be another minute," I call out to him, quickly wiping my face with a cloth in an attempt to stem the tears.
I hear him sigh from the other side of the door. "Come on out Izzy, I want to talk to you."
"Just one second," my voice cracks, why must he continue to torment me?
"Iz," he calls again, sounding a lot more impatient, "If I have to come in there and get you..."
I don't want to find out what the end of that sentence holds, I know this door would only be a small obstacle to him before he got to me, so I hastily open it up, still wiping at my eyes.
I feel him staring down on me as I stand in the doorway, too terrified to look at him.
"Are you okay?"
What a question.
"Um hum," I nod, worried that if I open my mouth to use actual words that I'll break down.
He places his fingers under my chin, lifting and turning my head side to side, inspecting my throat to see if he left any marks.
Of course he did, but it's nothing I won't be able to cover up, as I bet he can tell. I'll probably have to wear a turtleneck for a few days too.
He gently runs his fingertips over his handy work.
"I didn't want to have to do that to you, I'm sure you know that." His voice is soft and sweet, so deceptively kind. "I really don't enjoy any of this, but sometimes, you push me Izzy, and it leaves me no other choice."
There's nothing I can say in responce to that, and I refuse to pretend that I can understand.
He sighs again, letting his hand drop away from me.
"Can we move on from this?," he asks, "I don't want you dragging it out for days, you had some fault in this too."
I want to laugh at the absurdity. What choice do I have but to move on? Whatever happens between us is and always has been Jamies decision.
"Sure," I mumble. Unable to give anything remotely close enthusiasm.
"I know things are tense right now Izzy, but you'll get over it," he says, "you always do. And then things can go back to normal."
He's right, one way or another, I always let him away with it. I thought it was because my love for him was unconditional or unlimited. But now I realise it was because there wasn't an alternative, I just thought there was.
Jamie brushes some loose hair from my face, and I have to restrain myself from pulling away from him.
"You know I love you don't you?," he sooths.
Is that what this is? Love. My eyes question it in a way that my mouth is too afraid to, but he underatands.
Taking my face in his hands, he forces me to look at him.
"Nobody will ever love you the way I do."
A cold prickle runs up my back, yesterday I wouldn't have perceived the real meaning in that statement, now it's impossible to miss.
Jamie leans in to me, his hands still cupping my face as he leaves a single kiss on my lips. Its cold, and strange, and it's defiantly nothing like how Will kissed me earlier tonight.
As soon as he permits, I retreat to the bedroom, holding any remaining sobs in until I'm alone.
I feel so stupid, why did I give him so many chances? One person after another has dropped out of my life, the remaining relationships I did have suffered, I lost my job, I became secretive and withdrawn, I made excuse after excuse for him…
At what point was I going to wake up and see what was right in-front of me?
I used to hold judgement for people like me before I ever met Jamie. People that chose to stay with monsters. How naive of me to think that they ever had a choice. Theres only one real choice with somebody like Jamie.
Survive, or dont.