When I wake the next morning, I find myself feeling a mixture of things. As I stand in the kitchen, frustration takes over when I consider all of the effort I put in to make last night special for Jamie and I. I feel like I'm still not understanding his rationale behind not calling.
At the same time, I'm starting to think I made the right choice last night to let him back into our bedroom. It feels as though there's another rung in the ladder that we've managed to repair, and now we can climb it and move on to the next.
I need to allow myself be excited about these things when they happen. I have to stop assuming that something bad will follow. I can be excited that he's improving, I can even be excited that we're getting through this bad patch like we hoped we would, and also that he did something so amazingly sweet for me too. I have to let these good feelings in and stop worrying so much.
Sometimes it's as if I have a black cloud that follows me around, raining on any confidence I hold in my decisions. I try to silence it, pushing it to the back of my mind and telling it that it has no place here. I can trust myself.
"So Dad wants to host a party next Friday," Jamie chirps as bounds into the kitchen and picks up the coffee pot.
"Oh? I figured he wouldn't bother with a launch party when he brought the date forward. Seems weird to have a party the week after doesn't it?"
"I don't think my dad cares that much about how his decisions seem to other people Iz," Jamie says shrugging his shoulders. He's so accepting of his fathers quirks, if you can even call them that.
"Hmm, I can't argue much with that," I say, taking the coffee that he's poured for me from his hand.
I think back to how his dad tried to fill my fist with cash the morning he arrived at the apartment. He certainly didn't care what I thought of him then.
I hate the idea of having to see Tom. I don't want to look at his smug face when he spots me at Jamies side, believing that I gave in and came back like he knew I would. I can only imagine the snide remarks he's going to make.
I can't stand him.
"I'm meant to be meeting my dad and Donna next Friday," I point out, praying it gets me out of the party.
"Sure, but that's the afternoon right? You'll have plenty of time to do both."
"Lucky me," I mumble under my breath. Not quiet enough for me to go unheard though.
Jamie looks at me, offering a sympathetic smile. "My Dad is going to be so busy hamming it up with the investors that he won't have any time for us Iz. You won't need to say anything more than hello, trust me."
"It's not just your Dad that's a problem though is it?," I say.
"It's not?"
"No. It's all of the men who were there with you the night you had your little party too," I say. "How am I supposed to see them there with their wives and girlfriends and act polite?"
I'm not sure what Jamie was expecting me to do. Pretend it never happened? Or does he want me to act like I'm happy to spend my time with those men when I'm not?
"I mean what about that guy Karl?" I continue. "When you introduce him to me, wh-"
"He's gone." Jamie says quietly.
"Gone?"
I blink at him, waiting for an explanation.
"Yes, since that weekend actually."
He says it like it's information I should already know.
"What do you mean? Why?"
Jamie stands in front of me with his hands now in his pockets. He's suspiciously silent and refusing to meet my eye. I dont like this, and I let him know it.
"What have you not told me Jamie?" I ask.
He lets out a groan. "Okay, there was a video from that night, Karl took it, and now he's gone. That's it."
He tries to end the conversation there by turning his back to me and grabbing some cereal from the cupboard, but I'm not quite ready to let it go.
"A video of what?" I quiz him further.
"I don't want to get into the detail Iz, Karl was messing with that girl, the one who went to the hospital. It didn't look good and my dad wanted a head to roll. It had to be somebody."
He keeps his back to me, hoping that I'll drop it.
Surely the fact that Jamie brought those girls to the office in the first place means that it should of been him in the firing line, not this Karl guy. Of course not though, I'd hardly expect the owners son to be the one that takes the fall. Nepotism is great for those on its favourable side. Still, something doesn't feel right, it isn't adding up.
"I'm confused Jamie, where is this video now?," I ask him.
"I don't know, I know nothing about it. It's gone, that's all I can tell you."
"Gone? Like Karl?"
"That's all I know Izzy," he says as he scoops up a spoon of cereal, making it sound like he's very much out of the loop. I don't buy it, there's nothing Jamie doesn't know about that place.
"Why didn't you tell me this before?," I ask, refusing to let him off the hook. I can tell by the way he shakes his head at me that he's getting annoyed with my barrage of questions, but I'm suspicious, and rightly so.
He finally turns around and looks me in the eye. "Do you think I ever willingly want to talk about that night Izzy?," he says.
"And I do?" I counter. "You should have told me all of this Jamie."
"Why? It has nothing to do with us? Or what happened."
"It has everything to do with you surely? You organised it all!"
"I don't know what to tell you Izzy," he says shrugging again, "other than the fact that Karl won't be at the party, so you don't need to worry about him, alright?"
The slight relief of knowing that Karl won't be there is outweighed by the disgust I feel over the fact that Tom had to pay that girl and fire a man all because of something Jamie did, and he doesn't seem to care a single bit.
"Jamie, I'm not sure that you comprehend the results of the choices you made that night," I say.
"Of course I do!," he yells at me. "I feel like an idiot about the whole thing Izzy! But theres not a single thing I can do about now so can you just give it a damn rest!"
I back off as soon as he raises his voice. This is a touchy subject for us both still, and I feel that after last night I'll have to choose my battles while Jamie is still learning to deal with his anger.
I know that ignoring all of this won't make it go away, but I'm not going to push him while he's agitated. Not now anyway.
Having said that, I cant shake the dread I have for this party. Everybody will be watching Jamie, making sure he's on his best behaviour. Watching me. It's not what I want at all.
"Maybe it's best I sit this one out Jamie," I say. "I'm sure nobody will mind."
"You can't be serious Izzy?"
"I am, it's not like anyone will care if I'm not there."
"I care Iz," Jamie pleads, "I need you there, I want your support, can't you do that for me?"
I weigh it up, it seems cruel to refuse to go when he puts it like that, espically after he's worked so hard too. Even though I know I'll be contending with his father, and all of my feelings around the people who attended the 'party' that night, I now feel like I have to do it.
"Alright fine, I'll go." I say. "For you."
He comes and kisses my forehead, just like he's done so many times before.
"Thank you Iz," he says, "I really appreciate it, and hey, look at it this way, you'll finally get to wear that dress I bought you last summer.
Remeber? The long black one that looks amazing on you."
Ah yes, Jamies not so subtle way of telling me that I have to dress to impress. He got that point in there good and early. God forbid I wear something that I picked for myself. I'll need to look, talk and act like money at this party, just like his family always do.
Sometimes I wonder why he didn't find himself someone more like them.
"I've gotta go," he says, inhaling the rest of his cereal and pouring the remainder of his coffee down the sink. "Wish me luck! Two hours from now, I'll be a whole lot less stressed."
"Good luck!" I call after him as he grabs his suit jacket off the back of a chair. He rushes out the door, leaving me there to sweat over all of the information that he just dropped in my lap. I can't help but feel this Karl guy has become some sort of scape goat for the company, not that I feel too badly for him. You reep what you sow I guess. Unless of course you're Jamie.
♾️
Jamie and I spend most of the weekend together, making up for my birthday. It feels nice that it's just the two of us.
I also spend some time preparing to start my placement on Monday. It feels like the start date crept up on me all of a sudden even though I've been looking forward to it for weeks.
Grand Thomson High School is a good one hours drive away from our apartment without traffic, but I don't care, I'd travel six hours a day if it gets me to where I'm going.
Students don't officially start until next week, so tomorrow will be more of an orientation morning where I'll meet the faculty and the music teacher that I'll be shadowing. I'll only be doing a few hours to get myself settled in.
Sarah is actually off work tomorrow for an appointment, so we made plans for me to stop by her place afterward. She was so grouchy on the phone that I almost didn't bother, but between work and college I'm not sure how much free time I'll have over the next few weeks so it seemed like a good idea. My mind has been a bit of a mess today too, so I could honestly use the distraction.
As much as I didn't want to, I found myself thinking about Will for a disproportionate amount of my day. He keeps poping into my thoughts at the funniest times.
Today I was simply grabbing some fruit from the store. There was a single green apple sitting on top of a basket of red ones, the colour was so vivid that it was almost cartoon like. It reminded me of the colours in one of his tattoos. I always meant to ask him what they all meant, if anything. I wanted to know if they hurt when he got them too. I don't have one, so I've no idea. I thought I'd have the chance to ask anytime I liked, but not now I guess.
It's this green apple that keeps Will on my mind for the rest of the day. I'd never eat one again if it meant the pangs of sadness would go away. The fact I can't seem to talk to anyone about it doesn't help a lot either. Annie has asked how I'm feeling a couple of times, but it's her brother, it would be unfair to load my emotions onto her.
Needless to say, Jamie hasn't once asked if Will and I have spoken at all. I'm sure he's assuming his alpha male approach did the trick that day at lunch, which in a way it did. I just have to continue pushing through, pretending that I don't care that Will can switch off the feelings he might of had, pretending that I can too.
I have what I wanted. I have Jamie, so other people don't matter. And I'll keep telling myself that until I believe it.
♾️
I arrive at the school on Monday riddled with nerves. I wasn't even able to eat this morning. My stomach has been swirling non-stop and all I can think about is how this could all go wrong. I know how dramatic that makes me sound, but my whole career was ripped from under me in the blink of an eye before. I need to make sure it doesn't happen again, no matter what.
The moment I step inside the door, I'm greeted with the warmest smiles and welcoming from all the other staff members, and it completely calms me down. So much so that I manage to stomach a coffee as I'm getting introduced to everybody.
I meet the principal and the vice for a quick sit down first, they're excited to start the school year and bring me up to speed on all of the wonderful musical talent they have here at the school. There's an ocean of information to take in, and near the end of the meeting even their names are escaping me, but I'm sure I'll pick it all up as I go.
After a tour of the school, I finally get to meet the new music teacher that I'll be shadowing. It's her first day too, although she's nowhere near as nervous as I was walking in here. Her name is Layla, and thats what she plans to have the students call her. It's such a relief because I can't imagine being Ms.Tully just yet, as humorous as it was to hear it.
Layla seems to be roughly about my age, maybe a year or two in the difference. Shes got a relaxed hippie kind of vibe to her, with a 'no fucks given' kind of attitude. I love it.
She's living close to the school, but we didn't actually study too far away from each other. She tells me that she took a little while to decide what she wanted to do, and chose to dip her feet into the corporate world for a bit first. I lie and tell her that it took me some time to decide too. She won't have access to my history with my college or know that I dropped out before, so I feel like I'm saving myself any awkward explanations this way.
We look over the curriculum for the year and some of the student profiles. The school is really blessed! They have a student who's invited to audition for the principal keyboard position with The Cleveland Orchestra. That is huge! They must really be amazing. I can't imagine there's much we can teach him, but here we are anyway.
To my delight, there are two violinists.Two! I feel like I've struck gold. Layla and I gush over the luck we have as we take a look inside the music room. I have no idea what we're in for but if it's this good already, then I cannot wait to get started.
I finally feel excitement in the pit of my stomach again rather than nerves. I genuinely am baffaled by the fact this position wasn't filled already, it's like it was just sitting there waiting for me.
It's not long before my few hours here are up and it's time to go again. I know this is technically work, but I really don't want to leave yet. I'll be back on Thursday for some more introductions, but that will be it then until the students arrive in the following Monday. I really can't believe this is happening, I know without a doubt that this is where I'm meant to be.
♾️
I was so happy with how the morning went, that when I got to Sarah's I didn't shut up about it for a solid ten minutes. At one point I realised how annoying I must be, but it still didn't stop me. I eventually calmed myself down long enough to let her get a word in.
Sarah doesn't have much to fill me in on since last week, but she does very tentatively bring up Dad as she cuts me a slice of chocolate cake in the kitchen. Clever move on her part.
Our dad is not a subject we usually get into unless she's trying to get me to pay him a visit, but with our lunch coming up this Friday, she's curious to know how I'm feeling about it.
"Honestly, I don't want to jinx it Sarah, but I've started to look forward to it," I tell her.
"Really? Oh I'm so happy. This could be so good for you both Iz"
"Has he said anything to you about it?," I ask curiously.
"No not much, but Donna and I have been chatting, she says that he really wants to make things better, so that's a good sign right?"
"It is," I agree. "It felt like we were at a bit of a stalemate there for a long time. Honestly, I always figured that Dad and I would phase out, become a holiday fixture or something."
Sarah pouts her lips at the idea.
"I'd hate that for you Izzy. For us as a family too. I know you think I don't understand your side, but I do try. I know he was never fair to you. It's just hard, he's still my dad and he's always been good to me, so hearing some of the things you say about him can be a tough pill to swallow, even when you're right."
"I get that" I say, "I know we've had two very different experiences of the man he is."
This is usually the point in the discussion where we break into an argument or one of us leaves in a mood. However, things are already starting to feel different.
I was always accepting of the fact I wouldn't have much of a relationship with my dad, but having him tell me that it was time to talk, and then hearing what he said to Donna about resolving things, it's made it hard not to be optimistic about it all.
I'm not expecting family dinners every Sunday or vacations in the summer together, but being at that hotel alone recently has made me realise that a functioning family dynamic is something that I'd like to have, and now that it's on the table, I want to grab it with both hands.
Sarah is as hopeful as I am. She's already thinking about Christmas, best not to get too far ahead of ourselves though.
We sip away at our coffee, gossiping about our plans for the weekend. I fill her in on the launch party, we have very similar taste when it comes to that kind of thing, so she feels my pain, and thats without any real knowledge of what Tom is like.
Sarah tells me that she and the girls are off to visit one of her friends until Sunday.
"Ohhh", I exclaim, "leaving Mark to his own devices? How brave!"
The last time Sarah and the girls went away, Mark put liquid soap into the dishwasher. The whole kitchen was overflowing with suds and he had to call me to come and help clean up. It's become a teasing point ever since.
"I've left him some very detailed instructions this time Iz," she says, "infact, I've told him the safest thing to do is to not wash anything," she says, laughing away.
"Well don't worry," I tell her, "I'll keep my phone on in case of any emergencies. I'll even look in on him on the way back from dads on friday if you like? That way I can make sure he hasn't killed himself while replacing a lightbulb."
"Oh," she says, seeming a little coy, "uh there's no need to do that Iz, I doubt he'll be here."
Sarah shifts a little awkwardly in her chair, bringing the conversation to a halt.
I frown at her, its obvious that she's avoiding something.
"What's he going to be up to?" I ask, a little confused by her sudden secrecy.
Shes reluctant to part with Marks plans, but does eventually.
"Umm, he mentioned that he might be helping Adam and the guys out with transporting the equipment again," she says, "so I assume that means he's planning to stay and watch them play too."
Sarah keeps her gaze cast downward. I think she's worried that anything remotely related to Will is likely to set me off again.
I want her to see that I don't have a problem with her talking about Adam, or the band, or Will for that matter. I'm not a child, I don't need her to filter information for me.
"That's cool," I say, completely unbothered, "I'm sure he'll have a great time."
Her eyes flash to mine, but I don't drop my smile.
"Oh..uh yeah, I'm sure he will," she says. "Actually, I feel like Mark is the one getting the break and not me. He gets the whole house to himself for days, while I get to solo parent. I dont know what I was thinking."
"Maybe you should take a few days to youself sometime too," I suggest. "Or the two of you could go away for a romantic weekend together. I'd babysit, I do still owe you."
Sarahs face lights up at that idea.
"Really?" she asks, "I don't think Mark and I have been anywhere alone for like two years? Probably more!"
"Yeah of course. You should talk it over with him, see if he can clear a few days off work. I'd love to have my two amigos stay with me."
"I'm sure you would," Sarah says, "but Jamie doesn't seem the type to take on two wild kids for a whole weekend," she points out.
"Not at all, Jamie loves kids."
Okay, so I might be stretching the truth there a little. In reality, the only children I've actually ever seen Jamie with are Emily and Anna, but as far as I can tell he likes them, he's never told me otherwise.
"Does he?" Sarah asks surprised. "I'd never have thought so. I suppose that will help when you have some of your own, liking them is pretty much half the job."
Honestly, she can be so sarcastic when she wants to be.
"Hmm, yeah sure, why don't we wait and see how things pan out there," I say flatly.
"Well I want lots of little nieces and nephews please, a whole soccer team!"
"Wasn't it just the other day that you said you didn't think Jamie was the one?," I ask as I poke her side playfully. "And besides, if you're so baby crazy, why don't you go right on ahead and have some more."
A bold smile appears on her face.
"Wait." I say, totally freezing. "Are you?... Oh my god!" I almost jump out of my chair until Sarah puts her hands out to stop me.
"No! Wait now, don't get all excited," she says, "I'm not, not yet anyway, we are trying though."
I could genuinely cry with happiness, I'm so happy for her and Mark.
"Awh, Sarah that's so great! I can't believe it!Another little cutie for me squish, how exciting."
"It is,"she says, "I'm so happy about it, but I'm trying to be patient too. We only decided that we wanted another baby a few months ago, but it's been kind of frustrating since. With the girls, Mark only had to look at me and then boom, I was pregnant. I'm not that lucky this time."
Sarah's eyes start to well up. I can only imagine her disappointment that it's not happening as fast as she'd like. This time I do jump up, then I wrap my arms around her and squeeze her tight.
"I'm sorry it's been so tough Sarah," I say, "I wish I'd known."
I feel awful now for being so engrossed in my own stuff that I missed this. What kind of sister is that?
"I'm sure it will happen for you guys soon," I tell her, wanting it to be true. "Sometimes these things take time. And there's options too right? If things don't go to plan?"
I'm not sure if thats the right thing to say or not, maybe she wants it all to happen a certain way, but I just want to make her feel better. I wish I could wave a magic wand and give her everything she wants.
Sarah sports a brave smile in an effort to hide her disappointment.
"Yeah, of course there's options, I think I was assuming that it would be like it was with the girls though, quick and easy."
"I get it, its got to be tough when you want something so much. Is this what your appointment was for this morning?"
"Yep," she says, "and it was a total waste of time too. My doctor said I need to be patient and keep trying. It hasn't been long enough to raise any concerns yet. He couldn't have been any less reassuring to tell you the truth."
Poor Sarah, she seems so defeated.
"I'm sorry, I wish I'd known this was happening. You know you could have told me right? You can tell me anything."
"I know, and thank you. I wasn't trying to hide it from you," she says, "I think I just wanted to be delivering good news y'know?"
Sarah flaps her hand infront of her eyes, trying to wave away the tears forming.
"Oh god look at me," she says, "I'm being so silly, it's only been a few months. A lot of couples wait years, I have no patience." She lets out a half hearted laugh as she wipes her eyes, but the heartbreak is all over her face.
"Thats true," I agree, "and look hopefully it won't be like that for you, but if it is then thats okay too. I think it's amazing that you want to do it all again Sarah. You and Mark are fantastic parents. Really, I wish you were mine!"
"Mark is the good one," she says, "I just follow his lead."
Honestly, it makes me jealous that she's always been sure that Mark is the right man to have and raise her children with. He's an amazing guy, I've known that since the day I met him, I was pretty much still a kid then but I could see it. All he ever wanted was to make her happy.
I really hope this works out for them, they deserve everytning they want and then some.
Sarah catches a glimpse of her tear streaked face in the reflection of the oven door and gasps. "Oh wow, I'm an emotional wreck! Let me go grab a tissue," she says as she scurries off to the bathroom to fix herself up.
"The girls are going to freak out when it happens you know. And I mean when!," I call to her as she comes back down the hall. She looks cheerful at the thought of it.
"Of course they will!" she chirps, "and then, around a year or two after that, they'll get a little cousin and be even happier."
"No way!," I say, swatting at her. "Like I said, we'll see, Jamie and I have no plans to rush things."
"Uh, surely you're expecting something to change soon though right?"
"Like what?" I ask, my brows kitting together in confusion.
I'd actually prefer if nothing changed at all. Or at least not for a very, very long time.
Sarah waves her ring finger at me, bulging her eyes. What is it with everyone being obsessed with this?
"Let's just get you pregnant first okay?" I tell her. "I'm good being the fun aunt for awhile."
"I already had Emily by the time I was your age you know," she says. "Heck, I might have even been pregnant again!"
She starts to count away on her fingers to check, and sure enough she's right.
"Yes," I grimace, "you were, and you were married too, and insane, clearly."
My face stays scrunched up at the thought, I can't imagine being married with two children right now.
"I'm just kidding around sis," she says smiling. "I know how important getting your teaching career started is to you, and here you are, getting it done. I'm glad you decided to go back."
"Me too, hopefully once I'm finished the placement, I can teach at a school closer to home. Not that I mind the drive that much."
"Well, speaking of home," she says, "how is everything with Jamie? Any issues with you starting at the school?"
I have a feeling that this is a question that's been on Sarahs mind, so I do my best to reassure her that there will not be a repeat of last time.
"It's fine,"I say, "this was his idea don't forget. You know that Jamies issue was never the job, it was Zach."
"Yes," she frowns, "but Zach didn't actually do anything wrong Izzy, either did you. He was your colleague."
"Right, no, I know that,"I say, wishing I could backtrack, "And Jamie understands that nothing like that can ever happen again, he's grown up a lot since."
"You mean he's taken his head out of his ass since."
I shake my head and sigh, "Yes Sarah, he's taken his head out of his ass…"
"I suppose I can chalk it up to him being young and stupid then," she says, "but if he pulls that stunt again, I will not be so forgiving, you can bet on that."
"Yeah? What will you do, tell Dad?" I ask sarcastically.
"Ouch! Low blow little sister, I'm the one defending you here remember!"
"Yes, but seriously, please don't worry Sarah. Everything is going to be great. I can feel it.
I'm going to ace this placement, and then next year I'll be ready to take on my own position. Nothing is getting in the way this time."
"I'm proud of you Iz," she says, "y'know that right?"
My cheeks flush crimson. "Stop, you know I'm no good when you get all mushy, it's not like you."
"Fine, don't let anyone fuck it up for you, that better?"
"Much!" I say.
As much as I enjoy kidding around, I do take heed of everything Sarah says. I'm adamant that nobody will be take this away from me this time. Truthfully, I'd walk away from Jamie sooner than give this up again.
Thankfully, I don't think it will come to that.