Sarah and I go totally wild on the pancakes, I think I may actually have set a new personal record for the amount I ate.
Afterwards, we do exactly as she suggested and go to get our nails done. It's been so long since I've done anything like this, it feels nice to let myself relax and enjoy it.
"Thank you so much for surprising me with this Sarah, it's exactly what I needed."
"No problem Sis, you know I'll always be on hand when you need me.Jamie mentioned that you were a little stressed recently, so I figured I couldn't go wrong with a day of pampering."
"He did?," I ask, feeling a little surprised that he shared that with her.
"Yeah. I think he may have been trying to guilt trip me a little about the whole Donna thing."
Ah, now that sounds more like Jamie.
"Oh I'm sure he wasn't," I tell her, "there's just too much on my plate recently that's all. I've had a lot to think about."
"Really?" She asks. "Anything you want to talk about?"
Sarah has always had very little tact, and I can see that that hasn't changed.
"Is that your way of asking me about Will?," I say.
Actually, now I think of it, I'm surprised she made it through breakfast without asking.
"I'm just saying, I'm all ears if you need to vent. Or share. Or tell me every detail!"
"Subtle as always Sarah," I say. "What do you wanna' know?"
"Everything!, Are you guys still … whatever you were?"
"No, like I said before, its done. We were never really anything to start with. It was just once, I was stupid."
I have to swallow deeply in an effort to keep the feeling out of my voice. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to have this conversation without feeling the loss I do now.
"By once, do you mean the night of the show?," she asks.
"Um-hum, that was the only time."
"What happened?"
I shoot her a look, hoping she's not asking for the kind of detail I think she is.
"Ew! No, I don't mean that," she says, sticking her finger in her mouth and pretending to gag. "I meant what happened that you guys stopped things after that night?"
"Oh, umm… y'know, I'd love to say that I saw sense, or that I realised how shitty I was being, but really it was Will who decided for us I guess."
Staring down at her hands as the nail technician paints a vibrant ruby red colour onto her nails, Sarah thoughtfully considers things to herself. Explaining all of this to her would be much easier if I could share every everything with her, but that would mean telling her what happened between Jamie and I, and that can't happen.
"You can say I told you so," I tell her. "I'm sure it's killing you not to."
I know that she's assuming Will got exactly what he wanted from me and bailed, just like she said. I really wish I could make her see him as he truely is, but what's the point now.
Reaching across the chairs with her dry hand, Sarah squeezes my own.
"It's your birthday," she says, "I wouldn't dream of it."
A smile she's trying to surpress breaks free, she cant bite her tongue for long. "But I will call you in the morning and tell you if that's okay?"
A tiny laugh escapes my throat, Sarah always keeps her sense of humour no matter the situation, but its not easy to find it in this one. I can feel the corners of my eyes grow wet with tears that I force myself to keep back.
"Oh Izzy, please don't cry," she begs, "he's not worth it."
Hearing that only makes it worse, because she has no idea who Will is, and that assessment only goes to show it.
"I'm fine," I say, becoming flustered, "I'm being ridiculous. Ignore me."
I feel incredibly embarrassed that I'm actually sitting here crying at the nail salon over a guy. It's all so incredibly cliché.
"Those tears are telling me that there's a whole lot more to this Izzy," Sarah says. "What is it that you're not telling me?"
"Theres nothing, I promise."
I'm a terrible liar.
"Okay, I'm not going to push you for the gory details, but I will say this much; you need to be happy Iz," she says, holding my stare with her mothering eyes. "It doesn't matter what that happiness looks like, or who it's with, you still deserve it. Do you hear what I'm saying?"
"Yeah, I do. It's all still a little messy that's all. Really I'm fine."
I smile over at her unconvincingly, wishing I hadn't started this conversation at all, but Sarah has more to get off her chest, and I've already opened the box.
"Look," she says, "I wasn't planning to say this Iz, because I don't want you to think that I'm bashing Jamie just because the opportunity arose, but don't you think you were completely different the night of Wills show? Don't you think that you were more like the old you?
"The old me?"
"Yes!" she says, "the fun you. You we're silly and carefree, the way you should always be. I don't know what happens to you around Jamie, maybe the boredom luls you into a state of sedation or something but-"
"Sarah!"
"I'm sorry Iz, but someone has to say it. You're not you around him, you have to see that right? I'm not saying that Will is perfect either, he's for sure on my shit list right now, but I am saying that whoever you're suposed to be with shouldn't dull your shine."
I wipe the tears from my eyes, nodding in agreement. It's hard to respond to that the way I'd like, but I let her know that I appreciate her words all the same.
"Okay," she says, sitting up straight. "Let's leave that topic alone now, we can save this boy talk for another time. Theres no room for tears on your birthday."
Now thats an idea I can certainly get behind, and do so without question.
♾️
The massage and facial Sarah booked certaily did the trick for me. The masseur who did my back found knots in muscles that I didn't know existed. I definitely left feeling a whole lot lighter than I went in.
On the way home we stopped off at a dine in bakery near the apartment. Sarah stuck a little candle into a cupcake and made a bunch of strangers sing me happy birthday. There's honestly no shaming that girl.
After I got home, I finally took out my phone to see it filled with birthday wishes from friends and family, even my dad messaged me. Thats got to be Donnas doing because it's totally unheard of from him, normally I get a call two days late.
Annie sent me a string of messages too, but obviously there was nothing from Will, not that I expected anything. Come to think of it though, I haven't heard from Jamie since I messaged him to say thanks for organising things with Sarah either. And that was first thing this morning.
I try to call him to check in and see how the launch is going, but he doesn't answer. Its strange, he seemed so upset when he found out he couldn't spend the day with me, and yet I haven't heard a peep from him all day. I'm sure he's been driven crazy at work though. I feel bad that he has to spend a day like today with his dad. He's hitting a huge milestone professionally, but Tom won't see that, he's going to continue wanting more. I honestly don't know how Jamie puts up with him.
As I mull over how bad Jamie's day must be, I decide that it would be good idea for me to cook us a really nice meal for when he gets home tonight. Something to treat him for how thoughful he was today, and to celebrate things for the two of us. I'm sure coming home to a hot dinner and a beer or two will help shake off a stressful day.
Jamie loves lasagne, and I'm certain I have all the ingredients I need here. I can pair it with some garlic bread too, how could I go wrong with that? I quickly double check the refridgerator to be sure I have everything, and run to quickly take a shower. I need to wash off all the massage oil from earlier, I feel like a bodybuilder right now, only without all the muscle and false tan.
I've been keeping an eye on the clock as I prepare dinner. I still haven't heard from Jamie yet, but he said eight thirty so I still have another hour to get things finished here. I had some time after the lasagne went into the oven, so I made an effort for him and got myself all dolled up.
I've loosely curled my hair the way that he likes it and I even put on a dress in an effort to make having dinner at home feel special. It's way too nice to only wear around the apartment, and I feel a little like a stepford wife, but I kind of think he's going to love it.
As soon the timer for the lasagne goes off, I cover it up and sit it on the counter. It might need to be reheated once Jamie's home, but I've prepared a rocket and blue cheese salad to start so we won't go hungry while we wait, although my stomach feels like eating itself right now with the smell of everything whirling around. I'm tempted to pick at some of the garlic bread but I don't want to ruin my dinner, so I touch up my lipstick, sit on the couch, turn on the TV and wait.
Eight thirty comes and goes, so does nine, and now nine thirty. I try calling Jamie again but I'm still not getting an answer. I wonder if I should call his dad and make sure things are all right? I'd rather have to eat the damn phone than speak to that man, but I'm starting to worry that Jamie could be hurt or something.
Luckily, my saving grace comes in the form of a text message, just as I'm about to call Tom.
JAMIE: Sorry, stuck here a little longer, home soon!x
IZZY: Can I get a rough estimate of when 'soon' is? I've made us dinner :) x
No response comes.
Hanging around only gets more frustrating as my stomach rumbles with hunger. Another fourth minutes passes and I finally have to give up and plate up some food for myself, adding the salad as a side.
I sit and eat alone by candlelight, so much for a nice evening together.
I don't know if I'm being unfair simply because I'm ravenous, but I'm feeling so annoyed that Jamie isn't here to share this with me.
I head off to bed after I finish eating. It's late and I'm tired, so I tidy things up and get myself out of this stupid dress.
I don't hear a single noise throughout the apartmeant until after two a.m. I'd like to say it was the sound of the front door that woke me, but actually, I've been laying here unable to sleep, stewing in my own anger ever since I climbed into bed.
Jamie was meant to be home nearly six hours ago. Six. My whole birthday came and went, and although I appreciate what he did with Sarah, it doesn't excuse this.
Waiting in the bedroom, I listen out for every move Jamie makes. I figured he'd be straight in here to apologise, but he's in the kitchen right now. I dished him up some dinner incase he was hungry when he got back. I put it in the refrigerator, but I left a note out to let him know it was there. It might have been slightly passive aggressive, but I felt I was entitled to it at the time. I'm starting to wonder if it was a bad move now though.
I suddenly hear his shoes clicking across the tile floor, his steps continue to get louder as they come straight toward our bedroom. For a moment I feel a shoot of panic rip through me. Maybe he's mad about the note, or that I left something laying around. I quickly close my eyes and roll over, pretending to sleep, maybe he'll decide to leave me be when he see's me like this.
Jamie slowly pushes open the door of our bedroom, I hope that he'll back himself right on out again, but there's so such luck.
"Izzy?," he whispers into the darkness. His speech is husky, if not a little slurred.
Creeping across the room, he lets his body weight sink onto the bed behind me as he gently places a hand onto my shoulder, shaking it. "Izzy, wake up."
I give up on my acting career before its started and roll over.
"I'm awake,"'I say.
Jamies brow creases with worry.
"Are you mad?"
Does he really need to ask?
"Of course I'm mad, I made us a really nice dinner, it's my birthday Jamie."
"I know, I saw. It was so crazy today Iz, I didn't get a minute to myself, I'm really sorry."
"You could't have called?," I ask. "Not once? I had to spend the whole evening alone."
"I tried to leave sooner, but it was too hectic. This was the whole reason why I had Sarah spend the day with you, I knew I couldn't be there like I wanted."
As he tries to make his excuses, I get a whiff of something oddly familure on his breath. I pull myself upright, reaching for the lamp on the nightstand.
"Have you been drinking?"
I don't care how accusing I sound right now, I'm pissed.
"I just had one straight after we finished, I knew you'd be long asleep by then. Listen, I'm really sorry, if I could of-"
"You could have," I interupt. "You could have called me Jamie. You could have sent more than one message too, actually, you could have done a whole lot more. But you lied to me. I cooked you a meal on my birthday and then I had to sit and eat it alone, dressed up like a total idiot for you."
"Babe honestly I -"
"No, don't babe me!," I snap, "You know what Jamie, you're unbelieveable. Two minutes. Thats all it would have taken for you to let me know that you wouldn't be back, I'd have understood, but you selfishly let me believe all night that you were coming home."
He gives me his signiture sad eyes, but I'm not falling for it this time.
"And then you went to a bar?," I say. "With who? The same guys that were at your office party? What, did you go ahead and hire the same girls too?"
His shoulders go slack.
"All right, I deserve that, you have every right to be mad but-"
"I think you should just go to your own room Jamie," I tell him, "I don't want to deal with this tonight."
He stills, staring down at me a like he's unsure of what I said.
"My own room?," he asks.
"The spare room," I clarify, "wherever, it doesn't matter, I want you to go."
Jamie stands up off the bed, staying close enough to tower over me in an attempt to appear intimidating.
"I may have messed up here Izzy, but let's just get one thing clear; I'm sleeping in that bedroom as a courtesy to you, one that's wearing very thin by the way, so dont for a second think that it means you have any authority over where I go in my home."
"It's our home," I correct him, "and fine. If that room is such a problem for you, have this one. I'll go!"
Pushing the covers off of my body, I get up and try to move around him, but he sidesteps me, blocking my way out and sandwiching me between him and the bed.
"Hold on a second" he says, taking my wrist, "we're not done here."
"You may not be, but I am, now move."
Again, I try to step around him, but he doesn't move an inch.
"Izzy I'm only asking that you to hear me out."
"And I said no Jamie!"
It all happens so quick that I'm not sure if I even made it a single step closer to the door. All I know is that as I struggle to get around Jamie, he fights harder to make me stay. He forces me back onto the bed, pinning me beneath him as he climbs over me. I can feel every bit of my adrenalin pumping as I fail to push him off of me.
"Listen," he snarls, our arms flailing as we battle each other. "I don't want to hurt you Izzy, stop fighting me!"
I don't stop, I push my hands down on the bed in an attempt to slide out from under him, but he grabs them both and pins them above my head. I wriggle and pull and push, but it does nothing. My body freezes in place as I suddenly realise just how little control I have right now. I'm painfully aware of how unfair our physical difference is, and the advantage that he's taking of it.
He can see how scared I am, but he continues to hold me there anyway.
"I'm not trying to hurt you Izzy. I don't want to argue, I'm just trying to make you listen, can you do that?," he asks.
"This is a pretty extreme way to get what you want Jamie, even for you."
I feel myself shaking, but he doesnt waver, either he doesn't feel it too or he doesn't care.
Of course I'm the one that has to give in.
"Okay," I say, attempting to reason, and too afaid of what might happen if I dont. "I'll listen to you. I will, but you have to get off of me Jamie, this isn't fair."
I wriggle my wrist once more, assuming he'll let go, but he leans his hand onto it some more.
My lungs begin to heave, letting in tiny bursts of air as I try to control how terrifying this feels. There's a certain undertone to the position he has me trapped in, one I'm finding hard to ignore, and it only seems to add to my fear. I said I'd listen, so why wont he stop?
"Please," I beg him, "don't do this again Jamie, please let me go." I clench my jaw in an effort to stop my trembling, but he feels it now. This time though, instead of revelling in it like he has before, he looks horrified. His eyes dart up to his hands like he's suddenly realising what he's doing.
Dropping my wrists from his hands, he stand back off the bed, giving my body its freedom. I scramble to sit up and back myself away from him.
"Jesus, Izzy I'm so sorry," he says as he reaches for me. "I didn't mean to scare you, I- I wasn't thinking, I wasn't going to… I- I wanted to talk, thats all."
A minute or so of silence passes between us while I dissect what's just happened here. He said he didn't mean to fighten me, I can see that from the look on his face. Its rare that I'm sure of Jamies intensions, but right now I'm sure there was nothing sinister behind what he just did. Knowing that doesn't stop my heart from continuing to race though.
"Can we wait and talk in the morning?" I ask him, "when neither of us are feeling so mad about things."
"No, please Izzy, I swear I'm not mad, I promise. I felt awful that I missed your birthday, and I wanted to come and make it up to you, that's all I meant to do."
My mouth is full of things I'd like so say, but my mind is too afraid to let it out. He knows what I'm thinking anyway, he always does.
"I know," he says, "you're right, I should have called you, but I said I'm sorry. There was a million things to do at once and I couldn't keep on top of it all. I was making sure things at work ran smoothly, I had to keep my dad out of everyones way, and I was trying to do something else too… something for you."
"For me?," I ask.
Jamie pulls some papers from his back pocket, tossing them on the bed beside me. It's print outs of some sort. I eye him cautiously as I reach for them so I can take a look.
I don't understand what I see.
Hotel reservations. Flight details. A booking number for a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon.
I stare up at him again, my mouth agape. "You... you did all of this? Today?," I ask, feeling a little embarassed now.
"Yes. I got you a stupid necklace, but I knew it wasn't right, I knew you deserved something better. I know we said we'd wait and see how things were but I feel like I've been doing better, and we wanted to do this didn't we? It's not for another few weeks, so I thought, why not?"
I feel conflicted. Should I be overjoyed at this? I thought we agreed to hold off on this trip until things were better? Are they better? Jamie sure seems to think so.
"I don't know what to say," I murmur, wishing he'd started by telling me this when he came in here.
"Say you're happy?," he says. "Or excited? Just don't say I've completely misread where we are right now because I don't think I could take being that far off the mark."
His eyes stare back at me in anticipation, they remind me of the marbles Sarah and I used to play with as kids, black and dazzling, but oh so cold at the same time. I still don't quite understand what stopped him calling me all day, but if this is what he spent what little free time he had doing, it still means that he was thinking of me, and that's got to count for something right?
"I am," I tell him. "I'm happy. It's a great idea Jamie, thank you."
His whole face lights up like a kid on Christmas morning the second I say that, how could I possibly have told him anything different?
Not only do I feel guilty that he spent one of the most important days of his career organising this for me, but I'm now totally mortified about how I reacted to him when he came home. I should have gave him a chance to explain.
"It was worth waking you for right?" he says with a laugh before taking my hands and pulling me off the bed and into a kiss.
"It sure was."
"I'll give you the full run down tomorrow," he says, "it's going to be amazing Izzy, just you and me."
I feel like those last few words should make me really happy. And to an extent they do, I just wish he'd told me about this first.
"So how did today go?," I ask, sitting back onto the bed, "is everything ready?"
"Yeah, it's all set, I'll fill you in on that tomorrow too though. Its late now, I should probably let you get some sleep."
Jamie leans down and kisses the top of my head. Its awkward, or at least I feel awkward.
This isn't normal, kissing goodbye in our own bedroom. I feel so guilty about this whole thing, I was so quick to write him off as the bad guy today, even after the effort he made with Sarah. All that guilt balls itself up and forms a sentence that I spit out before I can consider what it means.
"Why don't you come back to our room tonight?"
Jamie leans back away from me slightly, looking surprised.
"You want me to stay?"
"Yeah, to sleep," I say, stressing that last part. "I think it's time."
He breathes out with deep relief. "Nothing you could have said right now would have made me happier than hearing that Iz."
He presses his lips to mine softly. "Its exactly what we need, let me go get washed up, I'll be right back."
Climbing back into my bed, I wait with my stomach twisted in knots for Jamie to come back so we can return to what we once were. I know I've only allowed this as a way of accepting fault, but I can't take it back now.
When Jamie returns, he's wearing only his boxer shorts. I don't know why I find it so strange, it's what he always wears to bed, he says it's because he's warm blooded. In the winter I love to press my cold feet to his in an effort to stay warm. I'm sure I'll be happy to have that back.
Crawling in beside me, Jamie pulls my body to his, nuzzling his chin into my neck. I can feel his heart beating as it pounds away in his chest. Whispering an I love you, he slowly drifts off to sleep, content, and holding onto me like a prize.