The memory of the hurt on Wills face haunts me as a reluctantly step back into the resturant. Jamie was already wearing a scowl before I came back in the door. I don't feel bad about it. I should, but I don't.
He seems to have nothing to say for the first time all day. He sits there, angrily staring at his empty plate. My own meal sits beside it, almost untouched. I'm afraid to breathe too loudly never mind attempt to eat it.
I wait for him, because I know nothing I say will make any bit of difference right now. My whole body flinces when reaches his hand out to pick up his glass, I'm nearly sure I see him chuckle before he takes a sip.
"Well that was really rude Iz," he says.
Here we go.
"I know, I'm sorry, I wanted to make sure Will wasn't leaving over anything that was said, I didn't want anyone to be upset."
"He said he had something to do didn't he? You read way too much into things Izzy."
His voice is clipped with annoyance, so I nod along for an easier life. "Anyway," he continues, "I wasn't talking about you. He was the rude one. Storming out of here and having you chase after him like he's some tantrum throwing teenager."
"I don't think that's"-
"He didn't even pay his bill," Jamie scoffs. "Convenient how he remembered he had something to do isn't it? This is what I meant about the music stuff, he can't be earning any real money."
Jamie's sits there like he's the king of the world and everyone else is there at his pleasure. His arrogance is astounding.
"Well, he's gone now," I say, "you got what you wanted."
Suddenly, Jamie wraps his hand around my upper arm, squeezing on it as he pulls me close to him.
"I've already told you to watch that fucking mouth of yours Izzy, I won't tell you again."
He smiles, making it look like he's whispering sweet nothings into my ear to anyone that might be looking. I didn't realise we were still pretending that pushing Will out wasn't his intension.
"You're right," he continues, "he is gone, and that better be the end of it too Izzy. Did you think I didn't notice the looks he was giving you? How he tried to rub your name in my face? And as for the handholding..."
He pinches my arm that bit tighter, no doubt leaving behind a mark.
"I told you, I didn't mean anything by it," I say, wincing under his hold, "I felt bad for him, for both of them."
"I know that. But he didn't, so you need to keep those urges to yourself in future, understand?"
I nod my head again. I could kick myself. What is it about Will that makes me so stupidly reckless?
Jamie loosens his hold on my arm, allowing me so sit straight again. I gently rub my hand over the area as he attemps to explain that he was somehow doing me a favour.
"You don't understand people like him Izzy, or the things they want," he says. "He would have said anything to win you over, I was protecting you. You can see that right?"
"Sure… of course."
I push my food around my plate with my fork, waiting out the clock on this 'surprise' lunch of Jamie's by watching the other diners. I wonder if any of them are in a dilemma like my own right now. Hiding it all and attempting to appear functional as they cut up their chicken breast and twirl their pasta around their forks. I'm sure everyone here has one thing or another causing them some form of distress.
All the same, knowing that doesn't make me feel any less solitary right now.
Jamie lets out a sigh, propping his elbows onto the table and holding his head in his hands.
"Izzy, how do I make you see that I'm not this horrible monster that you've cooked up in your head?"
I wonder what he means by that. 'Cooked up in my head'. Is he saying I'd be wrong if that was how I saw him?
"I really want to fix all of this Iz," he says, "but I feel like I'm swimming against the current sometimes with you."
He stares over at me, his eyes gleaming from the same threat of tears that brought me home to him.
"I booked that test you asked me to do with the doctor, it was mortifying, but I did it because I know you need it in order to feel like we can be something again. I have to say though Iz, right now it doesn't feel like you want us to be anything at all."
I don't address his remark about it being mortifying, he has no idea of it. But oddly enough, I do start to feel somewhat responsible for his behaviour towards Will. After all, wasn't I the one acting like this afternoon was going to be a straightforward lunch with a friend, when deep down I knew it was more than that? A lot more.
I place my fork down beside my plate, attempting to be reasonable. If he wants to talk, then good, we can do that, but he's going to have to put all his cards on table this time. I'm tired of being blindsided.
"Why did you say you intended to take over your dads company Jamie?," I ask. "I thought you'd seen sence with all of that."
"Look, I know it was a stupid thing for me to say, but I was showboating Iz, that was all. I have no idea what's happening with the company, I just wanted that Will guy to know that I'm better than him. Honestly, I've no idea what you saw in him, because I don't like him one bit."
"I don't think you like any man in my life that isn't you Jamie," I say.
"Is that such a bad thing?" he asks sweetly. Its hard to tell if its supposed to be a joke or not.
"It is if it means you're still doing things like this," I reply, lifting the sleeve of my shirt and inspecting the fingerprints he left behind.
"That? Izzy I was just trying to talk to you, that's all. It pissed me off that you were siding with him, I wasn't intending to hurt you."
Does he actually believe that? The surprise on his face says he does. I look down again at the skin he held in his grip, is just a tiny mark I suppose, it will fade in a little while...
"You know Iz, I don't think you're giving me enough credit for the restraint I had with him," he says. "I wanted to smash his face in the minute he uttered your name. 'Isobel', as if he knows you in a way that I dont! He was trying to goad me with that one, you know that don't you?"
I feel this jarring kind of sadness everytime Jamie mentions Will. It's a hallow empty feeling, I hate it.
I need stop thinking about him, I need to focus on the things I can control, starting with ensuring that Jamie and I are still in agreement on our future.
"So you didn't mean it?," I ask. You don't really want the company?"
"I don't know Iz. That's the honest answer. It's possible I could still run it, I've been talking about it with my dad a bit. He believes he can get the investors to lay off and focus on the work I'm doing to improve the business, rather than what happens when I'm not there, so it could be an option someday, but who knows? Everything is so up in the air for me right now.
Jamie's passive attitude makes me feel uneasy, its not like him. I thought we were on the same wavelength, but his answers are becoming more and more vague, while my anxiety about it is becoming more of a constant. I feel like he's not trying to change himself after all, but trying to change me.
Jamie seems to think his explanation is enough to pacify me for now, because he ends the conversation by kissing my hand and asking a confused waiter for the bill.
"Oh, my apologies sir," the waiter says, " but I believe the other gentleman that was with you paid it already, let me go and double check."
"Hardly," Jamie murmurs under his breath as the waiter steps away, but he's back to our table not a minute later confirming that Will did indeed pay the whole bill. It's hard not to feel a little triumphant on his behalf, but I swallow down any commentary I could make and simply thank the waiter.
Jamie leaves an over the top tip in some form of retaliation to Wills gesture, even though he's not here to see it. It only stands to make me feel sorry for him. Actually, it makes me sorry that I ever allowed this lunch to happen in the first place.
It all got so messy so quick and it's entierly my fault. It's my fault that Will doesn't want to be around me anymore, and it's my fault too that Jamie felt threatened enough by him to behave the way he did. In a way, I can't blame him for the stunt he pulled today, not when I'm the one that put us all in this position to start with.
I say my goodbyes to Jamie at the door of the resturant and get myself back to work, ready to bury myself in it so I don't have to think about anything or anyone. Especially Will.
"You alright Izzy?," Dayna asks, studying me as I walk by the counter to drop my stuff out back. I must look exactly how I feel.
"Oh yeah, I'm fine. Just lost in thought that's all."
Dropping my bag off out back, I spot the gift Will gave me sitting on the floor. I might as well get it over with now or it will plague my mind all day. I pull on one end of the shiny gold ribbon, undoing the knot and letting it let fall away as I peer inside. A small note sits at the top.
'Stick this guy front and centre on your desk at school Ms.Tully, let those kids ask you all about him so they can discover some good music. x'
Now I'm very curious. I dip my hand into the bag one more time and pull out a cardboard box, instantly breaking into a fit of laughter when I see what it is. Staring out at me through the clear plastic window, is a bobblehead figure of Angus Young, school uniform and everything. Will really got the memo when I said that AC/DC was an obsession.
I'm in no way surprised when my laughter starts to fade away, and tears begin to come in its place. Damn it, I am so sick of crying. I know I'm tougher than this. I know I can respect Wills choice and get on with things. I have to.
Quickly wiping the tears from my cheeks in the mirror. I tell myself that I have no feelings for Will. That I never did, and its time to forget him.
Unfortunately, I don't get to forget for long, not with the impression he left on all the women here.
"Your friend Will is cute," Dayna gushes from behind the register.
Typical, if I'd known all it took to crack her shell was a hot guy, I'd have saved myself a lot of forced conversation. It actually makes me laugh that she's so smitten considering she's only twenty or so. She must be a sucker for the musician thing too.
I wonder what that must feel like for Will, having girls fall at his feet so frequently like that. He can't possibly be as ignorant to it as he makes out.
"Yeah, I guess he is," I say.
There's a whole lot more to Will than what he looks like though. Sure, he might be striking, but that's not the thing that shines brighest about him. He's kind, probably the kindist person I've ever met. And he's funny too, not in the typical sense either, it's his sarcasm that always gets me. He's to the point and at times shockingly blunt, but never without reason. He's sweet and thoughful, and even though I've only known him for a short time, I'm pretty sure that he's the most amazing man I've ever known.
And now, I have the joyous task of trying to get over all of that.