I arrived home to Jamie watching the TV on the couch with a beer cupped in his hand. He doesn't usually drink on weeknights, so thats already a red flag.
"What happened at the class?," I ask.
"Nothing, it was just a bunch of angry people sitting in a room together. I hated it."
Jamie lays back into the sofa with a humph, I can hear his teeth begin to grind from here.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"Not really, but I'm not so sure that I want to do those classes Iz," he says. "There's got to be something mentally wrong with some of those people. Maybe the therapy will be fine on it's own."
I jerk back at how casually he delivers that revelation, he can't be serious?
"Those people? Jamie, those people are going to that class for the exact same reason as you," I say, hoping he'll see sense.
"It's not the same. One guy punched a bus driver for hitting the breaks too hard Izzy, is that not insane?"
I stare at him utterly dumbstruck. Is he really that unaware of how bad things are here?
"Do you think that what you did was somehow better than that Jamie?," I ask.
"You attacked me in our home. You punched me. You knocked me out because I left a few dishes in the sink. How is that not equally as insane?"
I'm more than aware that I could be pushing it, but I'm so angry that I don't care. He needs to understand that I expect him to do this, one class isn't going to cut it.
I'm hypersensitive to every move he makes, but his position stays the same, there's no twitching or tensing, his nostrils don't flare, he doesn't even raise his voice. He just sits there, thinking.
Eventually he puts his beer down onto the coaster in front of him and sits forward.
"Of all the stupid things I could have said, I bet that was right at the top of the list huh?," he says.
He runs his hands down over his face as he realises his foolishness.
"It was worse than what that guy did," he continues, "much worse. I know that, I'm sorry. I'm just… I don't know, it was a hard day, thats all. I'll be doing the classes, ignore what I said."
Jamie drags himself up off the sofa and comes to me, taking my hand and pulling me into his arms.
"I didn't mean to worry you," he says, "I shouldn't even be venting about any of it to you."
It's funny in a way, when you've known someone intimately for a number of years, you can pretty much make a safe bet on how they'll react to most things. But this is the opposite of what I've come to expect from Jamie. It's what I've always wanted him to be like.
"I think reality is settling in," he says, sighing and keeping me close to him. "I'm finally seeing what I was doing from your side, and honestly, I don't think I understand why you ever stayed."
His observation pierces through me like a knife. Has the penny finally dropped?
I place my hand to his chest and lean my body back, looking him in the eye.
"The reason I stayed was simple Jamie, I love you. But every time you messed up, it got that bit harder, and now its not enough anymore. I won't accept it, it doesn't matter how much I love you, if it ever happens again..."
"I know Iz," he assures me, "I know. That's why I'll stick all of this out, because I love you too. I need you, I hope you know that."
He squeezes me body into his, resting his head on my own. I wish we were always so open like this. It's a relief to be able to say what I really feel without any kind of repercussion.
I decide to pour myself a glass of wine and join him on the sofa. As we sit together, I think over how Jamie has done this past week, and how much of an effort he's making to try to fix things. He really has fully committed himself to everything I've asked of him... All except one.
I've thought about it a few times now, and was trying to allow him time to get it all organised, but now I think I have bite the bullet.
"Jamie, have you had a minute to organise the health screening we talked about?"
"The what?," he asks, his forehead creasing with confusion.
"Remember? Last week? We agreed you'd do it?"
"Oh! Oh yeah. Of course babe, sorry, I completely forgot. I'll get on that first thing okay?"
Wow, that's two for two now. No arguments, no scary bullying tactics. It feels amazing to think that this could be the way we are all the time… until Jamie gets the wrong idea.
"Wait a second," he coos, reaching over and stroking my leg. "Does that mean you might be ready to... y'know?"
My jaw nearly hits the floor. Just when he was doing so well.
"No!" I snap, pushing his hand away. "Absolutely not."
My sudden reaction catches us both off guard, but I don't care to hide my disgust.
"Izzy-"
"No Jamie! I'm not anywhere near ready for that," I tell him, "are you kidding me? How the hell could you even think it? I'm asking you to do the screening so I know that I'm safe with you! I'm asking because you cheated on me!"
"Izzy, I didn't cheat on you," he insists.
"No of course not, you just hired a bunch of women to come to your office and not touch you. Do you think I'm that dumb? You said yourself you couldn't remember."
"Izzy I'm really trying here..."
"I'm not ready," I repeat. "I told you before, when I am, you'll know. It's been a week Jamie. One week! You've had one therapy session, there's nothing fixed here."
I leave my drink untouched and storm my way to the bedroom, leaving him there to stew while I take a shower.
I stay under the hot spray for the best part of an hour, not wanting to face him, not when my temper is so flared. I'd rather my skin blistered raw under the heat of this water than even consider doing what he just suggested.
I hate how all of this makes me feel. I knew there would be ups and downs, and a whole lot of mixed feelings, but I wasn't expecting it all to be so much. Things seem to jump from good to bad at the drop of a hat and I can't keep up with it. It's hard to imagine how I'll ever truly get over what happened.
When I do finally emerge out of the bathroom, Jamie is waiting there in the bedroom for me, leaning against his wardrobe like a lost puppy.
"I really didn't mean to push you Izzy," he says, giving me some sad eyes that immediately thwart the frosty reception I was prepared to give.
"I didn't mean to get so riled up," I tell him, "I think I'm just finding this whole thing harder than I thought it would be."
"You're not giving up on me are you?," he asks.
Jamies face is hallow as I stare over at him. He's a man who's had just about as much as he can take for one day.
"No, never. There's just a lot of feelings still to sift through."
I smile softly at him as he comes and perches himself on the bed beside me. He takes my hand and lifts it to his mouth, gently kissing my knuckles.
"Can we just pretend I never said anything stupid tonight and watch a movie together?," he asks.
I think thats exactly what the both of us need, but it also gives me an idea that could show him that I am trying to meet him halfway.
"Why don't we watch something in here? We can snuggle up on the bed. I know it's not exactly what you want, but it's a step I can take for now."
I feel as though I'm offering up a tiny reward for good behaviour or something. I have to remind myself that as bad as that feels, I'm not the one that put us in this situation, and that I have to keep the boundaries I set for my own sake.
"I'd love that," he says, "I really don't want you to feel any pressure though."
"I don't, I'd like to do it."
Jamie and I decide to let all of the stress from the evening fall away. We stick on some romcom movie that plays in the background as we lay intertwined with each other, talking and giggling about everything and nothing at the same time. Jamie mentions that his dad is still mounting a lot of pressure on him, today being a particularly rough day of it. Top that off with the class tonight and I guess I can't blame him for being a little off.
I fill him in on my visit to see Annie, and all of her plans with the bar and how invested she is. He's curious to know more about both her and Will, so I take the opportunity to mention the lunch that Will suggested earlier. He doesn't so much as bat an eye when I tell him, it's another welcome surprise.
Soon enough we've talked ourselves out, so we simply lay together, watching the TV until I suddenly find myself waking in complete darkness with the covers pulled up over me. Jamie must have tucked me in and slipped out when I dozed off. I'm grateful that he didn't push his luck and stay the night.
I check my phone to see what time it is and see three messages from Will, all checking in on me in various forms of worry.
Crap, I said I'd let him know when I told Jamie about our plans.
IZZY: I'm so sorry! I fell asleep, but I'm completely fine, lunch isn't a problem! Just like I told you :)
I press send, feeling guilty that I'm getting back to him so late. Right away I see the three little dots appear, telling me that he's typing.
WILL: You really know how to freak a guy out Isobel!
IZZY: Sorry :( and I'm sorry if I woke you up now too.
WILL: You didn't, I couldn't sleep. Next time I'm calling you... or showing up. Glad you're alright though. Go get some sleep, I'll see you Saturday x
IZZY: Goodnight x
I feel terrible that he was up half the night waiting to hear from me. I do hope he wasn't serious about calling though. I don't think Jamies new found understanding will stretch to middle of the night phone calls, espically from men he's never even met.
I'm tempted to send Will one more message apologising, but I don't want to disturb him if he's finally drifted off. It's better to let him sleep.
♾️
Strings & Things is totally insane over the next few days. There's going to be an influx of customers soon with schools starting back for the year, so we've had orders and deliveries coming from every angle. Carol and I manage to squish in twenty minutes together on Friday morning to sneak out for a coffee, and I finally get the chance to fill her in on things with my Dad.
She's oddly hopeful that we can start to mend our broken fences now that Donna is on the scene. She thinks she could be the person we need to bridge whatever gap there is between us. I can see how that could be the case, however I know better than to get my hopes up where my dad is concerned.
Carol knows more than anyone how hard things have been over the years with him, but she's always had a knack for making me see some of the tougher things from his point of view, as hard as that can be.
"So is that all that's been up with you lately," she asks, taking a sip of her coffee. "There's nothing else bothering you is there? Things with Jamie all good?"
"Yeah, everything is alright, why do you ask?"
"I've noticed that you've been a little distracted lately, but it's understandable what with organising school and all that stuff with your dad," she says.
"Distracted? Have I done something wrong?"
Gosh I hope not, I can't stand the idea of letting the ladies down.
"Oh no, jeeze Izzy, not at all!," she says, "It's just something I've picked up on recently. You seem in a daze sometimes, like you're lost in thought. You haven't picked up the violin in weeks either, it used to be hard to keep you away from it some days."
Sometimes I forget how intuitive Carol can be. She likes to give off this persona thats tough and prickly, but she's also very caring, espically with me. I know how lucky I am to have her, to have the both of them actually, but I also know how much they worry, so I try to keep the problems I share to a minimum.
"Oh, yeah don't worry," I tell her, "everything else is fine, I think this stuff with my dad has been a little overwhelming thats all. I feel like I'm on tender hooks waiting to hear back from the college too."
"Well you can use me as a soundboard anytime you need. I don't want you living in your head all day, you're such a worry wart!"
I roll my eyes, it takes one to know one I suppose.
Back at the store, we're hammered yet again with more and more boxes of stock arriving. We work through as much as possible, but I hope there's nothing else coming in today because we literally have no space left to store it.
I step out back for minute to catch my breath and quickly check my phone incase I got a message from Jamie. There's nothing in from him, but there is a missed call and voicemail from a number I don't recognize. I dial in and take a listen, and I am so glad I did.
"I GOT IT!"
I'm so excited I don't even check the store for customers as I rush out front to Carol and Michelle.
"I got it, I got it! They have a place for me!"
I barely take a breath as I yell at them. This is it, I've got a teaching placement.
"Oh my god!," Michelle says as she practically bowls me over with a hug.
"Congratulations Kiddo!"
Carol smiles from behind her, wiping a tear from her eye. I drag her into our little embrace, uncaring of her reluctance to be too touchy. I don't think anyone else in the world will be as excited for me as these two are.
"I couldn't be prouder of you Izzy," she murmurs into my ear.
Both women are hungry for details, but all I know from the message is that I have a place and the date I need to start. We're bounding around in our merriment when I realise I should call Jamie and tell him the good news too.
I shoot out front and dial his number, but it goes straight to voicemail. I dial again, and again after that, but its the same thing each time. I send him a message, asking him to call me, but the exhileration inside me is itching to get out, I've got to tell somebody! I decide to try Annie, and thankfully she answers on the first ring.
"Hey Iz," she says, her peppy voice singing through the phone. "I was just thinking about you."
"Oh yeah? Were you wondering if I'd teach you how to play the harp now that I'm one step closer to qualifying?"
"Wha-, oh my god wait!," she says, "Are you telling me you got a place?"
"I got a place!," I squeal.
"Oh Izzy, this is amazing news! Oh if I could reach through the phone and hug you I would, I'm so proud of you!"
"Thank you, I'm so freaking happy about it! I don't think I'll stop smiling."
"Awh, this has made my whole day Iz. Oh, hang on, Will is here, he's hanging up something for me but can I tell him?"
"Of course!"
She pulls the phone away from her mouth but I can still hear her yell to Will that I've got the placement. I don't catch what he says in responce, but it doesn't matter, I know he'll be happy for me.
Annie and I chat for a minute and she quickly fills me in on the meeting she had with the accountant. She says it went really well, better than she expected. I badly want to quiz her about Adam too, but I don't have enough time now to get all the juicy details, so decide to wait until I see her.
When I get back into the store, a message comes in from Will.
WILL: I told you it would happen for you didn't I? Well done, you're going to own this Izzy. x
It's so nice to have so many people rooting for me, it all feels like a dream.
The ladies kindly let me leave an hour early, insisting that I go celebrate. The most celebrating I'll be doing is maybe with a glass of wine at home, but I take them up on the offer anyway. To say I skipped right on out the door would be an understatement.
I arrive home before Jamie and throw a frozen pizza in the oven, too hyped up to give my attention to much else. When he finally comes in the door, I'm practically buzzing as I hover around him.
"Hey, sorry," he says, "I saw your calls come in but it was nuts today."
"Well, if you'd answered me then you'd know my big news!," I tease.
"Ah, I'm a terrible boyfriend."
He watches me dance around him, ready to burst. "What in the world has gotten into you?," he asks with a chuckle.
"I got a school."
I couldn't hold it in a second longer if I tried.
"No way? You're kidding? Izzy, that's amazing!"
Jamie grabs me and wraps his big arms around me as he kisses my forehead.
"I was so excited to tell you," I say, "I start on the twenty-forth, can you believe it? That's so close!"
"Im beyond happy for you Iz, really. I was worried it might not happen this late in the summer, but it's wonderful news. I'm so glad you don't have to wait."
"Me too," I say as I stretch up and kiss his lips. "Thank you," I whisper, and he knows exactly what I mean by it too.
If it wasn't for him telling me to go for it, I'd probably have been sitting on this for another year. Maybe more.
After dinner I give Sarah a call to tell her the news too. She practically hollers down the phone at me. I still honestly can't believe how enthusiastic everyone is about it, I feel so loved.
♾️
The following morning, I find myself in a state of suspencion infront of my wordrobe. Will is coming to meet me for lunch today and I don't know what to wear. I shouldn't be trying to impress him at all, but I can't help it, I want to look good. Everything I try on feels wrong, I must have went through seven outfits already.
I finally settle on the first thing I put on, some simple jeans and a black top. I need to be able to work for the day too, so I have to stay practical, as much as I don't want to.
Jamie is still sleeping when I leave, it's unusual for him to sleep in, so I don't wake him to say bye, he obviously needs the rest.
The shutters are already up when I reach the store, which is odd because I'm sure it was me that was opening today. When I unlock the front door, there right infront of me stands Michelle, hands on her hips and staring at me like I've ten heads.
"What are you doing here?," she asks, seeming annoyed.
"I thought I was opening?."
"Yes, but I figured you'd be hungover from celebrating so I came in."
"Oh gosh!," I begin to laugh. "That's so sweet of you, but no, I had a frozen pizza last night and that's as wild as it got."
"Izzy! I'm disappointed in you."
I shrug my shoulders.
"You grew up in the seventies Michelle, anything I did would have been a disappointment by comparison. Oh wait actually, I've a friend coming to meet me for lunch today, is that wild enough?"
"It depends, is it your handsome friend?"
"Michelle!" I say, turning the colour of a beetroot. She always manages to do this to me.
"I bet I'm right though?"
"It's Will," I say, "Will is his name."
"Ah yes, handsome Will," she says, "that's who I meant."
"I'll let him know you said that shall I?"
"Please do," she purrs. "And don't pretend you don't see it either!"
"I don't know what you're talking about," I say.
"You might have a boyfriend Izzy, but you still have eyes, you can look, I know I did!"
"Alright, let's go ahead and leave that discussion right where it is. I'm going to go start getting the place ready before you decide to renounce your lesbianism!"
I hear Michelle chuckle to herself behind me as I go, she's such a deviant when she wants to be.
We're busy throughout the morning, Saturdays usually are. Dayna arrives a little later and we start unloading some stock together. She's not much of a talker, infact it's like pulling teeth trying to get anything out of her, so to say the day is dragging would be an understatement.
After countless boxes, and what feels like a full eight hours, I dash out back to run a brush through my hair and check my make up before Will arrives. He should be here any minute.
I barely get a coat of lip gloss on before I hear my name being called from out front.
"Iz-zy!," Michelle sings, "There's somebody here for you."
Talk about being obvious, but at least he's punctual.
Everytime I see Will, it's like setting eyes on him for the first time all over again. I never quite get used to how handsome he is. Michelle was right.
He's at the counter making Dayna laugh when I approach him, a feat very few can accomplish, myself included.
"Oh here she is," Dayna says as she glances over his shoulder toward me. "We were just wondering where you'd got to."
That's the most personality I've got out of her all day. What has he done to her?
"Hey!" Will smiles when he clocks me. "What is it I call you now then?," he says. "Ms. Tully?"
"Oh stop that, it's nothing."
"It's not nothing. You've waited long enough to get here, let yourself enjoy it. Oh Here," Will says, "I got you something, to say congrats."
He hands me a deep orange gift bag that's tied with a thin gold ribbon around the handles. I barely know what to say.
"Wow, thats so sweet, you didn't have to do that. Thank you so much."
I find myself a little oberwhelmed with just how thoughtful he is. I can't believe he did that for me.
Dayna stares at us as if she's watching one of those mushy made for tv movies. I really don't know who this girl is right now.
"I'll open it later if thats alright?," I tell him.
I have a feeling whatever's inside is liable to make me cry, and I don't want to go to lunch with mascara bleeding down my cheeks.
"You ready to go?"
"Spoil sport," Dayna grumbles, causing Will to laugh under his breath.
He waves goodbye to her and Michelle before grabbing the front door for a man that's trying to push it open from the otherside. Heaven help the poor guy too because he must have the wrong place. He comes through the door, carrying a bouquet of roses so huge that I can only see his lower half. We all watch him, curious to know where he should be.
"Whoa, do you need a hand with those?," Will offers.
The guy laughs at his obvious struggle and thanks him.
I feel my blood turn cold.
I know that voice. I know the hands that hold those flowers too, and that mass of wavy brown hair... that smile, that 'look what I bought you' smile.
"Jamie?"
"Surprise babe!," he says.
His pearly white grin only serves to make the chill in me run deeper.
What the actual fuck.
It takes me a minute to realise whats unfolding infront of me.
Jamie, and Will, side by side. My stomach twists into a knot so quick that it hurts.
The second Will heard me utter Jamies name his whole mood changed. He's tense, and he's staring at Jamie like he could take his head clean off. All while Jamie waits to be greeted with open arms by me.
"Wh... uh... what are you doing here?," I ask. It's about all I can muster. My throat feels like it's closed up with fear.
"I wanted to surprise you," he says, "I thought I'd take you to a celebratory lunch."
He's so cheery and happy, but for some reason I don't buy it.
I look from him to Will, choking over my words, I need to figure this out quick.
"Jamie," I say tentivly, "this is Will… he's here to have lunch with me today, remember I told you about it?"
He looks between Will and I curiously, it's over animated, there's parts of him I know inside out and this is one of them. He can't act.
"Umm, shoot Iz," he says, scratching his head, "I must have forgot. I'm sorry, did I interrupt?"
He knows I won't answer that, or at least not honestly.
He pushes the flowers into my arms, they're comically big, and then he offers Will his hand.
"Hey, how are you doing buddy?," he says, "I'm Jamie, Izzy's boyfriend."
The emphasis he puts on the last word doesn't pass unnoticed by anyone. Will doesn't miss a beat though, he shakes his hand with his teeth clenched and eyes blazing.
"Will."
It's all he offers, and Jamie couldn't be happier about it. I think he knew exactly what he was doing by coming here.
"Well what do you want to do Iz?," Jamie asks, trying to push me to make a choice between them.
"Oh, well.. uh, Will and I sort of had plans..."
I don't look him in the eye, I know that disrespecting him like this won't bode well for me, but how do I navigate a mess like this?
"No, it's fine Isobel," Will says firmly, his expression sending 'don't even think about it' signals to me. "We can do this next week, don't worry about it."
He's trying to help me out, but it's not what I want. I want to enjoy the lunch plans we made.
Michelle suddenly makes an appearance beside us, fawning over the flowers in my hands. They're heavy on my arm so I take them to the front counter and set them down, keeping my voice low as I ask Dayna to leave the giftbag Will gave me out back. I don't want to bring Jamies attention to it if I can help it.
Jamie is explaining the 'mix up' to Michelle when I get back to them. Will keeps his eyes on me, he knows there's been no mix up at all. My attention is pulled from him just as I hear Michelle voice an awful idea.
"Why dont you all go together?," she chirps, "That would be fun!"
I couldn't think of anything worse.
"No that's alright," Will says, "I was going to have to leave a little early anyway, I'll let these two enjoy themselves."
"Nonsense! I'm sure Izzy would love to be wined and dined by two gorgeous men!"
Damn it, Michelle! Read the room.
"That's a great idea," Jamie interjects, surprising both Will and I, "what do you think Iz?"
A creepy smile spreads across his face, daring me to try find a way out of this. He's just gotten everything he wants handed to him on a plate. I feel physically sick at the idea, but all I can do is nod my head in agreement.
Jamie rests his hand on top of Wills shoulder.
"Well there we have it… uh, Will, wasn't it? Looks like the lady wants both."
What a dick.
Wills hesitates to answer, I imagine he's racking his brain for any logical excuse to get out of this, but much like me, he cant find one, so he simply shrugs his shoulders.
"Sure," he says, "I can't think of any reason not to."
I feel all the excitement I had built up inside me for today begin to crumble.
Will gently shakes Jamies hand off of him, seeming like he's entirely repulsed by it before speaking to me.
"I wanted to take you to an Italian place that I like, Othello's, it's about two blocks from here" he says. "Is that still alright?"
I love Italian, so does Jamie, but he makes a face as if to say he doesn't, so I quickly step in before he can ruin Wills plans.
"That's perfect, Italian is my favourite!"
I give some seriously over the top enthusiam as I say that. If Jamie wants to play this game, so can I.
"That's settled then," Jamie says as he clasps his hands together, "let's get going babe."
I don't think I've ever seen him as satisfied as he is right now. He reaches for my hand and gives Michelle a smile as he leads me towards the door.
I mouth an 'I'm sorry' Wills direction as we all leave together.
It's just one hour. We can do this for one hour right?