As it turned out, Will had gone ahead and booked a table for the two of us at Othellos incase there was a rush at lunch time. It's an action Jamie verbalises as 'cute'. I don't get the impression he means it in a good way.
The restaurant of course has no issues making room for one more either, lucky us.
There's a clumsy silence as we take our seats and look over the menu. I cast my eyes down over the available options, stopping when I see the Fettuccine Carbonara. I don't think I'll stomach much, but now that I see my favourite dish, I'll certainly try.
The tension between the two guys could be cut with a knife. We've been here five minutes and there's yet to be a single word between them. Needless to say, Jamie is the first to take that leap.
"So Will," he says, "you're Annie's brother right? Was she not around to join you guys today?"
As he awaits an answer,Jamie begins to rap his fingers on the table, he told me once that he does it in business meetings to make the other parties feel uneasy. It's only now that understand it.
"Nope, it was just myself and Isobel," Will breezes, appearing unbothered as he continues to look over the paper menu.
Jamie frowns.
"You mean Izzy don't you?"
Oh no. This is going to cause some problems, but Will doesn't so much as glance up at Jamie to respond, making him push the subject further.
"She doesn't like to be called Isobel," he says, "I would have thought she'd have told you that herself."
Jamie shoots a dirty look my way, as if Wills choice of words are somehow my fault.
I attempt to brush it off.
"It's not a big deal," I say, smiling in the hope I can defuse things. "I don't mind it."
Jamie muses on my sudden change of heart. "Humm, you'll have to let me know your secret there Will, the one and only time I called her Isobel she lectured me for a solid twenty minutes until I promised never to do it again."
"I guess she doesn't mind so much when I call her by it," Will says.
I catch him smile to himself as he reaches for his water, this lunch isn't going to be fun for me at all is it?
Thankfully before Jamie can retaliate, the waiter arrives at our table to take our orders, affording me a minute to breathe.
My relief is short lived however, because as soon as he's gone, Jamie dives right back into it with Will. He's like a dog with a bone right now.
"What do you do Will?," he asks.
"I'm a musician."
Those short answers of Wills are quickly going to wear on Jamie, he doesn't like one sided conversation.
"Oh really? In what way?"
Jamie already knows the answer to that question, he watched some videos of Wills band before, so I don't know why he's quizzing him like this.
"I sing mostly," Will says. "I play a few instruments too. Piano, guitar, the drums sometimes."
"Ah, I see how you two have become aquatinted then. Izzy here has made it her mission to have music as the third member of our relationship. Can't say I'm much of a fan of her taste in it though, no offence. Having said that, she is excellent on the violin."
Will nods his head, not giving a single fuck about Jamies opinion. I can't possibly be the only one feeling this anxiousness right now can I?
"So are you any good then?," Jamie asks, refusing to give it a rest.
That one catches Will attention, making him glance my direction.
"My answer would probably be a little bias, it'd be better to ask Isobel that one."
Jamies fist clench's when he hears Will use my full name again, but he's never been one to back down from a little back and forth. And from the look on his face right now, I think he might even be enjoying it. I don't like this one bit.
"And what about the bar then?," he asks next, "Benny's? That's yours too right?"
"It's Annie's actually," Will says, "she runs it, I just help out when she needs."
"But I mean, you are part owner right? I'm sure Izzy told me that much..."
"Thats right, but I don't claim any success from it, that's all Annie."
The two men hold each others eye contact for the first time. It's like two animals analysing each other in the wild, and I think that Jamie just found the weak spot he was looking for.
"Izzy mentioned that the place wasn't doing too well," he says brazenly, "do you think you'll manage to keep it afloat much longer?"
"Hold on," I interrupt, "that's not what I said Jamie."
He's blatantly twisting my words there.
"Oh wasn't it? I must have misunderstood."
"The bar is doing fine," Will snaps, "Annie has it under control."
Will is growing tired of whatever it is that Jamie thinks he's doing, and so am I.
"Why don't we talk about something else?" I say, feeling the need to stear all conversation away from anything Will holds dear in the hope that Jamie can't verbally destroy it.
"I don't mean any harm," Jamie says, "I'm just getting to know your friend Izzy, or have you decided you like Isobel now?"
Jamie fakes a laugh that chills my bones, I know I'll be in for a hard time over the name thing later. I really should have done more to stop this lunch from happening.
A second respite comes in the form of our food arriving, although my stomach feels like a storm at sea right now. I did hope that Jamie would take a break and enjoy his meal, but it seems like he's not quite done with Will yet, and tirelessly continues the chase.
"So Will is there much money in music?"
Wow. Rude.
"It's pretty decent," Will says, not batting an eye. "What is it you do again? I'm not sure Isobel ever told me."
Will waits for another reaction, but Jamie tries his hardest not to slip. I have to shoot Will a look to remind him that whatever he says here may have repercussions for me later.
"Really?," Jamie asks, laughing it off. "Well I guess she doesn't understand it all that much." He then reaches over and pats his hand on my knee, leaving it there. "That's women for you right Will?"
"I don't know, is it?"
Will furrows his brow at me in disbelief. I can only imagine what he's thinking, but Jamie simply ignores Wills disgust and continues on.
"I'm in tech," he says, "you might have heard of us, Reynolds Group? We develop software and programmes for other companies to use."
"Interesting," Will says sarcastically.
"Very. We're heading multinational soon. It's tough work but it's well compensated. Izzy pretty much only works for fun these days."
Jamie flexes his fingers and squeezes my knee, "Isn't that right babe?"
I almost choke on my own breath.
"Well that's not actually correct Jamie," I say.
"Oh c'mon Iz, I'm sure nobody begrudges you being a kept wife."
The sound of him calling me his wife makes my chest tighten. I rarely see Jamie act this obnoxious, it makes my skin crawl. I hate the idea that Will would think I'm with this version of Jamie all of the time, or that I settle for it to have a comfortable life.
"And you work for your dad right?," Will asks, aiming to take the attention off of me as my shoulders sink. "Is it like an assistant kind of thing or?"
God I wish they'd stop provoking each other.
"I work with him, yes," Jamie says. "His assistant is a fifty something year old woman named Brenda, or at least it was the last time I checked, he has a high rotation. I head up a couple of different software teams myself, but I'll run the place eventually."
My fork suddenly hits my place with a loud clang, making the other diners glance my way before continuing with their meals. I'm unsurprisingly thrown off by Jamies revelation. That is not what we agreed, and I'll be damned if I'm not making him explain it, in company or not.
"I thought you shelved that idea Jamie?," I ask, "You said you didn't want it anymore?"
"Well, consider it un-shelved... Isobel ."
He smiles as he puts another forkful of pasta to his mouth, but when he notices the look of panic on my face, he immediately tries to backtrack.
"It's nothing to concern youself with sweetheart, we can talk about it later."
Sweetheart? Really?
My mind begins to run away with itself. What does this mean? Is he going to become obsessed with getting married to keep his dad happy like he did before? Am I going to end out on the floor of our kitchen again?
I feel as though I've been duped. For every moment I thought Jamie had changed, he was simply playing at it. Making me believe things would be different. It's like he waited to spring the old Jamie on me at the worst possible time.
"So what does that entail?," Will quizzes. "What hoops will you have to jump through to do that?"
I don't quite understand what he's doing now. Will knows all of the history there. He's aware that the investors wanted Jamie to settle down before becoming the face of the company. Why is he trying to force Jamie to say it?
Please god don't let him say it.
"Well right now I manage a team of people who are just as good at their jobs as I am at mine. We've made the company a great deal of money, and will continue to do so under my guide, so I figure I've already jumped through said hoops… all the ones that should matter anyway."
Jamie runs his hand over the back of my hair softly, making sure I'm hearing what he just said. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he's found a way to do it all without any demand on our personal lives.
It all feels a little too perfect somehow.
"That will be quite an achievement for someone your age," Will says as his eyes follow Jamies hand, watching him twirl my hair around his fingers. He looks like he wants to cave in his skull.
"It is, it's still a while off though," Jamie says with a shrug. "My father isn't ready to step down just yet."
Will nods along, unimpressed by the whole thing, and still unable take his eyes off Jamie's hand.
"So Annie said the meeting with the accountant went well," I say, wanting to lighten things up. I dont want to hear another word about Jamies job right now.
Will instantly softens.
"It did, it went great actually. There's no stopping Annie once she sets her sights on something."
I honestly find it adorable that Will brags on Annie's behalf. He's as proud as anything when he talks about her, it's the sweetest thing.
"I'll admit that I wasn't totally on board with all the changes at first," he says, "but she knows what she's doing, I'm sure it will stand to her."
"How come you don't run the bar Will?" Jamie asks.
Will shifts uncomfortably in his chair, I'm sure it's not an easy topic of discussion for him. "Um... well, I was young when my dad died, too young to run a bar anyway, so was Annie if the truth be told, but we didn't want to sell it or anything so it made sense for her to do it."
"Is she much older than you?"
"There's almost exactly four years between us," he says. "She was only twenty one, literally just legal herself at the time she took it on."
I think about Will and Annie, essentially kids, being forced to manage this massive responsibility as they're dealing with the grief of losing their dad. I can't imagine how they felt.
"It must have been a lot for you both?" I ask, trying to disguise the pity in my voice, knowing exactly what it feels like to hear it.
"We had some help," Will says, "there was a woman there who managed the restaurant area, Sybil. She and my dad were really close, she helped him with a lot of the day to day stuff so she knew what to do. Sybil was more than happy to take Annie under her wing and run things for us until we got the hang of it all."
It's a relief to hear that they both had someone. This whole time I had assumed Annie was forced in at the deep end, so I'm happy to know that she wasn't navigating it alone.
"Is Sybil still there?," I ask, I'm sure neither of them have mentioned her to me before.
"Oh, no not at all, she retired a couple years ago. She comes in from time to time, makes sure the place is still standing."
"That's really nice of her."
"Yeah, she was amazing to us after it all happened," Will says, clearly struggling with the memory. "She's proably the only reason we kept our heads above water at first, but we got there in the end."
Without really thinking, I reach across the table and touch Wills hand.
"I'm glad you both had someone looking out for you," I say as I gently squeeze my fingers around his.
It feels like its just me and him here, I love the way he talks about his life. As hard as it was at times, he manages to still take all the good things from it and let those moments tell his story.
Will shakes my fingers off at the same time as Jamie clears his throat. I pull my hand back like it was touching fire. What was I thinking?
"But why not now?," Jamie pushes as he grips my hair a little tighter and side eyes me from his chair. "You were a kid then sure, but you're what? Thirty or so now? Why don't you run it?"
Will sits back in his chair, irritation making the muscle in his jaw bulge.
"Annie's done all the hard work," he explains. "I look after the paperwork and accounting and any background noise she needs help with because it gives her a bit of a break, and it means I'm not dealing much with the people side of it, it works for us. I'd have no fair reason to step in now and take away any of the responsibility from her, espically when she doesn't want me to."
"So wait, you're telling me that she's the people person out of the two of you?" Jamie says snidely.
His grating laughter rubs me the wrong way. He doesn't know Annie. He met her for thirty seconds under some pretty raw circumstances, I don't think that makes him qualified to have any kind of opinion on her at all.
"Yep," Will says as he picks up his glass of water, holding Jamies eye as he takes a gulp. "Annie can size people up pretty well from the outset. You've met her before right?"
Jamie falls over his words, he walked himself right into that one.
"I uh... yeah, just for a second I think."
"Right. I think she mentioned that."
Will tries to hide his delight by taking a bite of his food before continuing. "I think we're both pretty happy with our set up now anyway, we'll see how this renovation goes and take things from there."
"Surely your sister wants to settle down soon though?," Jamie asks."Would this whole renovation thing not take up a lot of her time?"
A small noise escapes my throat, I'm not sure if it's shock or confusion. I didn't expect Jamie to want to keep this up. Either way, I'm not letting that slide by unchecked.
"What do you mean settle down?," I ask, "Can't she do both?"
"I'm not saying she can't," Jamie clarifies. "I just think a bar might be better ran by someone like Will here."
"Someone like Will?"
"You know what I mean Izzy. I'm not trying to insult anyone."
"No, I really don't know actually," I say, feeling more and more annoyed. "Are you saying it's because Will has a penis Jamie?"
Will lets out a snort of laughter as Jamies mouth drops open.
"Izzy! There's no need to put it like that," he says. Personally, I think he's lucky that's all I said. "No," he continues, "all I meant was that it could be beneficial to both of them if Will took over now that he's older."
"Why?" I press him.
"It's a bar Izzy, they're loud and brash. Will has his little rock band, it fits in with his lifestyle more than Annies I'd imagine."
"But you don't know Annie." I snap, allowing my tone to sharpen. "Or Will for that matter, so what makes you think he would be better at it? I can only see one obvious difference here, and honestly Jamie, I really hope that's not what you're saying because I find it hard to believe you'd have your head that far up your ass."
Will's bows his head toward his plate, trying to hide the convulsions that jiggle his shoulders. I dont see the funny side myself though, in fact, I'm livid.
"And as for the bar," I say, "It's still a business, it still needs to be ran professionally and people still need to work and be paid. From what I can see, Annie is doing a fine job of that, so why wouldn't she continue to do it?"
Jamie looks to Will in search of support, but of course it doesn't come, and that's when he decides to go straight for the jugular.
"You can't honestly say that you're happy to simply sit around playing your little songs while your sister runs the place into the ground are you Will?," he says, "It's losing money isn't it? Probably because of the way she's doing things."
My eyes fall closed as the clattering of cutlery and scraping of Wills chair on tile floor beneath him fills my ears. The table shook as he stood, and now my legs are splattered with water from a glass that's toppled over. Jamie sits, wearing the most satisfied grin I've ever seen, he's just gotten exactly what he wanted from this; a reaction from Will.
"Jamie, you know nothing about them!," I hiss in a hushed tone, conscious of all the people now staring at us. I need to try to calm things down here. "Will, come sit down, he didn't mean anything by it."
I reach my hand out to him but he doesn't so much as look at me. He holds Jamies stare, daring him to say another word.
"I really didn't mean to insult you, or your sister for that matter," Jamie says, "I thought we were simply having an adult conversation."
Will keeps his glare on him as he speaks to me.
"You'll have to excuse me for a minute Izzy," he says, and then he stalks off towards the bathroom with his fists balled, leaving me to deal with Jamie.
"What the hell was that?," I ask him.
"What? I was just trying to get to know the guy."
"By insulting his sister!? And his work?"
"Oh please you can hardly call strumming a guitar work Izzy," he says.
"Oh don't be such a dick Jamie!"
The words fly out of my mouth before I have time consider what I'm saying, or who I'm saying it to, and Jamie has no intension of letting me away with it either.
His fist slams down on the table.
"Don't you ever fucking talk to me like that again Izzy, not unless you want to answer for it."
His voice is low but his eyes pierce mine, making sure I don't miss the warning. I've never said anything like that to him before, I should know better.
"Or should I be calling you Isobel now huh?," he says. "Maybe you can explain that one to me?"
He sits back in his chair, waiting. I feel my cheeks flush as I attempt to make it seem trivial.
"I- It's nothing,," I stammer, "I never corrected him, that's all."
And it drives me absolutely wild to hear it from his lips, but never yours...
"He seems pretty comfortable with it Izzy."
"Why wouldn't he be? Like I said, I never corrected him."
"You seem pretty cozy with him too," Jamie says, "what the fuck was the hand holding about?"
"I wasn't holding his hand, I was trying to comfort him. They've been through a lot, I swear, I meant nothing by it."
"We've all been through a lot Izzy, but you dont see me walking around hugging every idiot with a sob story. This is the problem with you! You let people take advantage of your good nature."
"That's not true," I argue, "Will is just-"
"Just trying to get into your pants that's what," he says coldly. "And if I hadn't of come here today, who knows what crap he'd be filling your ears with right now to get there."
I sit silently, staring at the table. If it wasn't before, it's completely obvious now that Jamie turning up here today was no accident.
"You didn't forget that Will and I were having lunch today at all did you?," I ask.
He turns to me in his seat, making sure I look at him. "I won't let anyone come between us Izzy, least of all someone like him. I've been busting my ass trying to show you how much I want to change and make things work, and I won't let some nobody swoop in now and turn your eye. You belong to me."
I feel a lump build in my throat, Have I been fooling myself this whole time?
Jamie throws his napkin down on the table in fustration.
"I bet you're not even grateful of the fact that I didn't jump across that table at him just now," he says, "but I can promise you Izzy, for his sake, you should be."
Before I have a chance to reply, Will appears, painfully aware that he's walked right into an argument about him.
"Izzy," he says, unable to look at me. "I'm really sorry but I have to go. Theres something I forgot to do, we can have lunch another time. I'll call you."
Will doesn't even wait for a response from me, he just whips his keys up off the table and heads right on out the door without looking back.
I glance between him and Jamie, quickly making a very unwise decision.
"I'll be back in a minute," I tell Jamie.
I don't wait for his permission, I'm up and out of my chair before he can stop me. It's likely the worst possible thing I could have done, but my legs don't stop moving, regardless of the fear I feel.
"Will!"
I have to shout up the street in the hope he hears me, jeeze he's fast! "Will, wait!"
He looks back, coming to a stop with a look of total shock when he sees me.
"I'm sorry, really, Jamie wasn't trying to be rude, he's just bad... socially." I lie.
Will watches behind me, waiting to see if theres going to be any trouble following me.
"This can't have been the wisest move you've ever made Isobel," he says.
"I don't care, I wanted to check on you. I'm sorry, he knows nothing about running a place like Benny's," I say, "don't let what he said get to you."
Wills shakes his head, frustrated the minute I mention Jamie.
"Izzy, I don't give a shit what he thinks of the bar. It's this, us! We're my problem."
I feel my heart come to a stand still.
"What?"
"It's too hard. I can't do this, we can't be friends," he says, "I'm sorry."
"I- I don't understand Will, you were the one who suggested this."
"I know I did, I know, but..."
Will drops his hands to his hips, a sad sigh escaping him. "Izzy, when I look at you, all I can think about is how much I want you. I know I shouldn't, and I really thought all of this would just go away somehow, but it's not. And what's worse is that for whatever reason, the fact you have a boyfriend… the fact that you have that boyfriend, it means nothing to me."
I suppose it would be a falsehood to say his confession caught me entierly off guard. I have no real clue how I expected all of this to play out. I do know that I don't want it to be like this though.
Will takes a careful step closer to me, letting his eyes burn into me.
"I'm forcing myself to control it Izzy," he says, "and that's only because you said you didn't want anything to happen between us, but we both know thats not true. We both know that if I tried to kiss you right now, you'd let me."
"I... no..."
"You're only saying that because he's sitting in there waiting for you," he says, pointing back to the resturant, "because you're afraid of what would happen if he saw, not because you don't want to. But he wont always be there Izzy, and if we keep doing this, there's going to be a point where I won't want to control myself anymore, and I never considered the danger that put you in until now."
"Will, if this is because of what he said-"
"You're not listening to me!," he argues. "I won't watch you be with him Izzy. I thought it would be alright as long as I never had to see you together, but when his hands were in your hair, I wanted to break every single one of his fingers just for touching you. You can't ask me to be okay with that."
"I don't understand Will. You told me you didn't want anything, that said you didn't want a girlfriend or a relationship, or anything at all for that matter."
"I don't! I don't want anything," he says. "I don't know what it is about you, you drive me fucking crazy Isobel!"
I stare at him in confusion, trying to make sense of it all. He wants me but he doesn't, how am I supposed to figure that out?
Will moves back, stepping away from me, the sadness in his eyes makes me want to reach out and stop him, but I know he wont let me.
"I don't want to put you in any danger Izzy, you have to understand that. I mean just look at this," he says waving his hands between us. "Right now, just by coming out here after me, you've put yourself in the firing line. You knew that, but you did it anyway. What will you say to him when you go back in there huh? What can you possibly say that's going to keep you from getting hurt?"
"It'll be alright," I say, "I'll figure it out."
The truth is that I have no real idea what I'll say. I don't believe there's anything that I could say that would excuse this for Jamie.
Unfortunately, Will knows that too.
"You're putting yourself into bad situations for me and I'm selfishly letting you just so I can get five minutes alone with you," he says, "I won't do it anymore, I'm sorry, but I won't."
"So what are you saying here Will?," I ask. "This is it for us?"
Every part of me pleads with him to say no. To say everything is going to be okay and that he wants me as much as I want him, and that he's been fooling himself this whole time.
Of course he doesn't say that though. Instead, he says exactly what I don't want him to.
"Yes Izzy... this is it."
I rack my brain for something that could change his mind, for anything I could tell him that will keep him with me, but nothing comes out. And thats not because I have nothing to say, or because I don't feel anything. It's because I decide to hear him.
Will doesn't want to feel anything for me. He doesn't want to want me.
I finally get it, and it kills me.