Theres an annoying vibration in my head that wakes me up. It continues to buzz as my eyes struggle to open, is that my phone? It has to be like two a.m. or something. Who the hell is that?
"Hello?" I answer groggily.
"Morning sunshine!" Sarah says way too loudly. What on earth does she need in the middle of the night? I glance at my alarm clock on the night stand and get a bit of a shock. Okay so it's not quite two a.m but it sure feels like it.
"Sarah it's six twenty in the morning. Why are you calling me?," I wisper in a hushed tone, aware that there's only a thin wall separating Jamie and I.
"It is! But lucky for me I have two children who like to wake at the crack of dawn and ask me forty times if they're going to see aunt Izzy today?"
"Yes, they will, but please inform them that it will be at a normal hour, one where people are usually awake. Bye."
"Ah, not so fast," she says before I can hang up. "I wanted to check something with you."
"What now!?"
I instantly feel bad for my attitude, but I'm not a mom, so I haven't siphoned the power of endless energy yet.
"Are you alone?," she asks.
"Why?"
"I'm just wondering if I can be heard by anyone else?"
"Do you mean Jamie? No, he's not here, but if he was you'd have tickled his curiosity with your choice of timing."
"Oh shoot, sorry, I wasn't thinking," she says. "Actually you're right, it is insanely early, where is he?"
Uh oh.
"He's a morning bird just like you," I lie. "He went to the gym, I'll ask him to let you know next time and you can go together."
"That's a hard pass from me," she says, "I'm not sure what would bore me to death quicker, him or the endless circut he'd have me do."
"Sarah! That's not nice."
"Yeah and he's not interesting, boohoo," she says. "Who goes to the gym at 6am on a Sunday Izzy? Honestly, is he a psychopath? I'm not calling you by choice right now I can assure you of that. Anna has an internal clock that tells her night is day and day is also day so I'm living in hell, but if I'm there you're coming too."
I suppose that explains the early wake up call.
"What is it you need Sarah?," I ask impatiently.
"Ugh, you're so grouchy in the mornings. I'm just checking in that you're still coming today?"
"Yes, I said that already."
"And Jamie?"
"Yes."
"Okay, so then I'll need to know what you told him about Friday night?"
"What do you mean?"
She's not getting this over with quick enough and my patience is wearing thin, I desperately want to go back asleep.
"Izzy, do you think I didn't notice that you and Will left at the same time?," she says.
That shuts me right up.
Of course she noticed, I'm such an idiot.
I rub my hand over my forehead trying to think of an excuse, but it would be an insult to her at this stage. She saves me the hassle and all but confirms that she knows we were together.
"Adam said that Will told him he had to take care of something," she says. "So tell me, did he take care of it?"
"Jesus Sarah, don't be so crass!"
"Oh don't you dare pull that high and mighty card with me Izzy! I only want to know what I need to say to Jamie today if he asks me anything about it, that's all. You can keep the details to yourself, don't worry."
I'm more confused than anything. Sarah has been with Mark since high school, she would cut his appendage off and feed it to the dog if she so much as thought he might be cheating. Why is she trying to help me?
"You don't need to say anything," I tell her. "He knows I came home late, that's it."
"Okay and what exactly is late? One? Two? Because if he were to ask me when you left, I'd say you went home just after twelve, meaning you should have gotten home before one, would that sound right to him?"
I feel like she intensionally picked a time where my brain doesn't function properly to call me about this.
I let out a sigh.
"I was home a little before five. Happy?"
"Right, and you're aware the bar closes at three?"
"I am now."
I swear, I can literally feel her disappointment in me through the phone.
"Fine, I'll back you up and say we were yapping outside after closing if it comes to that. Mark isn't a problem. He was black out drunk by the time we got home anyway, he doesn't even know you left early."
She's really going out of her way to make sure I don't get caught, its so strange.
"Sarah, why are you helping me?"
"Because, I hope if I give you some rope that you'll be able to think it over and realise you're being stupid. You need to stop doing whatever you're doing. But mostly I'm helping because you're my sister. Sisters first."
"You know I wouldn't help you lie to Mark like this," I say. That's no exageration either, Mark is like my brother, I couldn't do it.
"That's because you respect him Izzy."
"Ouch. Is Jamie really that bad?"
"What you should be asking, is if Will is any better? I'm helping you lie, but it doesn't mean I'm happy about it. I think Jamie is a snooze fest and I'm still really bitter over the stunt he pulled with your job, but I don't hold Will in much higher regard. He's going to get what he wants from you and leave you high and dry, like he does with every girl he meets, but I can only warn you of that."
"He's really not like that Sarah," I say in his defence.
"Sure, you keep telling yourself that Iz."
I feel a lump form in my throat, a few days ago she might have convinced me that Will was no good for me, but after last night, I know she's wrong.
"Look, can we not talk about this right now?," I ask her. "I love you, and if I could talk about it with anyone it would be you, but I can't deal with it right now. Whatever it was with Will, it's over okay."
I know she can hear the strain in my voice, and thankfully she understands that it's not the right time to push me for more.
"You know I'm always here Izzy," she says, "any time you need to talk, day or night."
If only she knew...
"I'm really sorry that you have to lie for me Sarah."
"It's fine," she says, trying to reassure me, "but listen Iz, I don't want Mark brought into this, so you need to make sure Will doesn't go blabbing about it. His morals are something I love about him, but damn if they aren't inconvenient at a time like this. He'd kill Will if he knew, and he'd want you to tell Jamie."
My stomach sinks. Tell Jamie?
A horrible sense of panic settles over me at the thought.
"No! Theres no way I'd tell him Sarah, please, it's done and it won't happen again. Ever!"
"Izzy-"
"No, I'm serious, it's over. I made a stupid, stupid mistake and I won't ever make it again. I swear."
"Okay, alright, jeeze calm down," she says, "I said I didn't want him to know too didn't I?"
There's and air of confusion in Sarah's voice, but I can't even begin to explain how important this is. It feels like my whole chest cavity could cave in right now.
"I've got to go," I tell her, "I'll see you at dads. One o'clock."
I hang up the call before she even gets to say goodbye. I can't shake this gripping feeling and I know exactly what it is. Only this time I've no Will to talk me through it.
I rush into the bathroom and stand over the sink, clutching both sides. I think I might throw up. I try breathing in four counts but I can't seem to make my brain realise that there's no immediate threat. The dread claws away at me.
I keep counting, willing myself to calm down while heaving in and out shallow breaths, I worry that I could pass out any minute so I sit myself onto the floor, pulling my legs to my chest, praying it makes me feel a little better.
1,2,3,4…
Rocking my body back and forth, I fight to get some sort of logic to my thinking. Tears sting my eyes and all I can do is let them come. I rest my head onto my arms, and continue the count.
♾️
An hour later and I still can't seem to drag myself off the floor of the bathroom. I keep telling myself the panic has eased and that I can get up now, but a part of me wishes I could curl up and stay here for the day.
I suppose it was crazy to think that this was going to be a one time thing. I've been under a lot of stress with this whole Jamie situation, and sneaking around with Will like I did last night isn't going to help. Not to mention that the idea of going to my Dads today makes me want to crawl under a rock.
All the men in my life are a complication in their own right. It's a wonder this didn't happen sooner.
When I finally get the strength to pull myself up, I feel like all I want to do is escape this apartment. Sarah can say what she wants, but a run doesn't sound like such a bad idea right now. It know it would help to clear my head, so I pull on some shorts and go, leaving a note on the coffee table like always.
As I run, I work on silencing my worries. All the what if's and maybes. I focus on the things I can control, just like Wills book said, but maybe I'm doing it wrong, because I still feel weighted down as I finish up.
By the time I get back, Jamie is already up and cooking breakfast. "You were up and at it early Iz."
His face scrunches up a little.
"You okay?," he asks.
"Yeah. Why?"
"It's just that you only run this early when somethings wrong..."
It's underatandable that he would be concerned, I know because I actually only run this early when there's something wrong with us, he just doesn't want to come out and say it.
"Everything's fine, I'm just a bit anxious about today," I tell him. "You know what it's like having to go over there."
Jamie dishes up the eggs and adds some spinach and mushrooms on the side.
"I know you hate mushrooms," he says, "but they're good for you, so eat up."
"Tuna is good for you too but I don't see you loading up on that."
He sticks his tongue out in disgust.
"You can't compare the two, tuna is offensive."
I laugh at how passionately he says that, it's like a child refusing vegtables.
After breakfast, I run to take a quick shower, and then find Jamie in the bedroom when I finish. He's picking out his clothes for the day.
I'm wrapped in only a towel, still dripping water and a little cold, but I take a seat on the bed to give him whatever time he needs.
He glances over his shoulder, realising that I'm waiting for him to leave.
"Seriously?," he snaps, "You won't even change in front of me?"
There's a bite in his tone that I've come to know well. I find myself gripping the edge of the bed cover wondering whats coming.
He drops his head and lets out a sigh.
"That was shitty of me," he says before coming over and gently rubbing his thumb over my cheek.
"I'll grab my stuff and get out of your way, I'm sorry."
"It's okay," I tell him, trying not to let him see how worried it made me. This has been a day from hell already and the morning hasn't even passed yet.
"It's not okay, but I appreciate you saying it. Things will get better soon," he says, "I promise."
"What time is your appointment tomorrow?," I ask. It sounds like we both have a whole lot of hope pinned on this therapist.
"Six thirty, I'm going to go straight from work. I'll stay a little later and drive over, it makes the most sense. I'll be home closer to eight."
"No problem, I'm sure your dad will be glad of the extra time. How are things there?"
"Well we got the legal documents sorted out. Dads still not happy with the delays it caused, but the launch won't be pushed out by any more than a week, that's the best we could have hoped for."
"I wouldn't worry," I tell him. "Your dad would have found something else to be unhappy about if it were on schedule."
"Exactly. Oh, uh actually," he says, shifting awkwardly, "he was asking about you. He's wondering if you'd come over for dinner... I thought it might be a little awkward, given the last time you two saw each other."
"It would."
I'm not going to pretend I have any desire to see that man. I can already picture his gross smug face as he gloats about the fact I came back.
"I'll make up an excuse," Jamie says, "no doubt there'll be some big party with this launch anyway, it may be easier to wait until then."
I could wait a lifetime for it. Just the idea of being in the same room as Tom makes me feel a lot like I did this morning.
"When is that going to be?," I ask, curious to know how much time I have to dwell on it.
"Next month for sure, I can't control the launch date, but I'll make sure the party isn't on your birthday."
He winks at me then, making me feel like a schoolgirl and reminding me just how effortlessly attractive he can be.
My birthday is on the twentieth, although I don't do a whole lot for it these days. My mom used to throw a big end of summer party for me. BBQ, bounce house, garden games, she went all out. I loved it.
"Speaking of your birthday Iz," Jamie says as his face lights up with excitement. "Remember we were talking about taking a trip? How would you feel about Vegas?"
"Vegas!?"
"Yeah! It's only a four hour flight. You've never been right?"
"No, it's somewhere I'd love to see though."
"Well there you go. I think you'll love it," he says. "Flights aren't that pricey, not that you need to worry about that. What do you think?"
I think that we need to get the next few weeks under our belt before talking about a trip. But looking at Jamie face alight with happiness, how could I put a dampener on his mood?
"It could be fun," I agree. "Why don't we look at it in a week or two?"
I'm sure that still comes across as excited. Not that I'm not excited, it does sound amazing, I'd just like to get a grasp on 'us' before then.
"Exactly what I was thinking," he says, "no point rushing it. Anyway, I'm going to go grab a shower, we need to leave a little after twelve okay?"
"If we must," I mumble sarcastically.
I really need this day to be over already.
♾️
I normally bring my dad a plant when I visit him. He lets it die and then I bring another the next time, it's part of our routine. I didn't have time to pick one up this week though, so instead I bought a box of macaroons at a local food market just before we left.
I fidget in the passenger seat of Jamies car, I'm not normally this bad, but the thought of having Jamie around Sarah and Mark has me on edge. I hope she hasn't changed her mind about keeping the details to herself.
Jamie reaches for my hand, noticing my discomfort.
"I wish you wouldn't let these visits stress you out so much Iz."
"I can't help it," I say, "there's nothing enjoyable about being there. I should have told Sarah I wasn't coming."
The skin around my nails falls victim to my worry yet again, because I know what I really mean is that I should have gone alone.
"He's going to hate these stupid things too," I say, frowning at the macaroons. "They're fancy, he hates fancy."
"They're just a token Izzy."
"He's going to think I'm trying to say something with them that I'm not."
"Like what?" he asks, laughing at the fact.
"Like that I think I'm better than him, he hates this stuff!"
"Then don't give them to him, you're analysing it way too much."
"But I always bring something."
"How about this then," he offers, "think about it on the journey and then decide when we're there?"
"Is that your way of telling me to stop talking about the macaroons?"
Jamie looks over at me, his lips pressed tighly together. I hate that he feels sorry for me.
"It's just my way of telling you to decide a little later, that's all," he says.
His eyes fall back to the road ahead, but he gives my fingers a small squeeze.
I really wish this was already over.
♾️
Pulling up to my dads house, I spot Marks truck on the driveway. I always plan to get there ten minutes later than I say I will, making sure Sarah arrives before me.
It's too hard to try to talk to dad alone. We're clumsy enough about it when there's other people there as its is.
I can hear the girls running around inside as we come up to the porch, I couldn't be happier that they're here too. They're a great buffer to have at times like this.
Sarah pulls the door open with a big fat fake smile on her face for Jamie, as always.
"Hey you two," she says, "Nice to see you Jamie."
"Likewise Sarah," he replies, nodding his head at her.
Likewise? I don't know why they even pretend to stand each other.
Sarah wraps her arms around me as we step inside.
"Oh Izzy, are you cold?," she asks. "You're shivering "
"Yeah, a bit," I lie. I've been shaking like a leaf since we were five minutes out.
"Close the door, the house is warm but honestly Izzy it's still summer, how could you possibly be cold?"
We're ushered into the kitchen where the two girls are chasing each other around the kitchen table. I give Mark a quick hello before grabbing their attention.
"Girls!" I squeal as if I haven't just seen them two days ago. They run straight to me, hugging my thighs.
"Yey, Izzy's here!"
I crouch down and whisper into each of their ears, directing them to the chocolate thats hidden in the carrier bag that Jamie's holding.
"Don't even think about it ladies!" Sarah says sternly, scolding all three of us.
"Chocolate is for after lunch!".
The girls whine a little before going straight back to their game and Sarah eyeballs me like I'm one of them. It was worth a shot.
Looking around the kitchen, I take in a breath to prepare myself, time to face the music.
"Where's Dad?" I ask.
Mark shoots a look at Sarah, and she suddenly becomes oddly quiet.
"He's just out back getting the barbecue lighting," Mark says, thumbing to the window behind him, but I don't see Dad out there.
"What's going on?," I ask as my eyes bounce between them.
"Nothing," Sarah says. "He's just getting something, he'll be a minute."
"I thought Mark just said he was lighting the barbecue?"
Jamies stands between the three of us, looking the most confused.
"Who's that with Charlie?," he asks, pointing to the back yard.
Looking out the window again, I now spot my dad, he's walking up the peppled path toward the house with a woman. I know her, what's her name? Denise? Wanda? She lives on our street for sure, I remember that much.
"Did he invite the neighbours to this?," I wonder aloud.
Sarah and Mark share their weird little glances again. This is getting annoying.
"Look Izzy," Sarah says "before they come in, I should probably tell you-"
"Donna!" I exclaim. "That's her name right? I knew I recognised her."
Dad and Donna come in through the back door, all chatter and laughter. Dad spots Jamie first, then me. A frosty silence falls over us all as the girls continue to run back and forth. Their laughter sounds entierly out of place now.
"Isobel," Dad says, bowing his head my direction.
"Hi Dad."
I force a smile, but I'm ready to go home already.
"It's good to see you," he says.
His face is red, as if he's been walking in December frost. What's he so flushed about?
Turning to Donna, my dad looks between us, blabbering and tripping over his words before they're out of his mouth. It's not like him at all.
My dad is normally quiet, maybe even a little too quiet. It can be intimidating. His presence takes up the room just as much as his silence does. I remember Emily once asked him if his moustache stopped his words from coming out.
He's always reminded me of the cowboys you see in the old movies, all decked out in a checked shirt and some brown boots. All he's usually missing is the hat.
Donna grows tired of his fumbling, and decides to fill in for him.
"I'm Donna," she says, offering me her hand, "it's great to finally meet you Isobel, I've heard so many nice things about you."
"Hi, yeah I remember you," I say, smiling back at her. "You live just down the street right?"
"That's right, I'm surprised you remember."
"Are you kidding? You had the biggest trampoline in the neighbourhood!"
"Oh gosh," she says with a chuckle, "that contraption? Thankfully it's long gone. My boys are all grown up now, although my oldest is due his first baby any day now, so I'm sure I'll be starting a whole new collection of things like that."
"Oh wow! Congratulations, you must be so excited."
I feel everyone's attention on us as we chat, but its not long before Emily starts doing some sort of dance routine for everybody and Donna goes off to watch.
Sarah pulls me aside into a corner.
"So what do you think?," she asks, seeming apprehensive.
"Think of what?"
"Of Donna, Izzy. What do you think of Donna?"
I shrug my shoulders, why is she so obsessed with this woman?
"Yeah she's nice," I say, "Are all the neighbours coming along? I thought this was just a family thing?"
Sarahs face drains of colour and as we both realise that I'm still missing something. Dad approaches us before she can reveal exactky what that is.
He's holding the macaroons in his hands, Jamie must have gave them to him. I immediately wish I had left them in the car.
"Um, Dad?," Sarah says, "Why don't you talk to Izzy, fill her in on some things while I check on the food."
As she scurry's away, she throws my dad a pointed look, what is her deal today?
"What is she being so weird about?," I ask, feeling a little fed up with all the secrecy.
"Well... ah... well Donna and I... we… we're um..."
It suddenly hits me. The looks, the awkward stares, all my dads babbling. How could I have missed it? I know exactly why he's so tongue tied.
"Is this…? Are you dating?".
He reluctantly nods his head, blushing ever so slightly.
"Yes," he says. "We thought it was time to let you know."
Time to let me know? How much time has it been?
I don't get the chance to find out, because he switches the conversation so quick it could give me whiplash.
"Where in the world did you get these things Isobel?," he asks as he examines the box of macaroons like they're entierly alien to him.
"They're from a store near our apartment. They're really good. Have you tried them before?"
He squints his eyes at me.
"I can't say I have Isobel, I enjoy the regular stuff, you know me."
No, I don't.
"They're just macaroons Dad."
"You probably have em' all the time at that apartment of yours. Do they still have somebody to open the door for you?"
"No Dad," I say, "we never did."
This is exactly what I said would happen. By the way my dad behaves sometimes, you'd believe he had grown up on some isolated farm where he worked twelve hours a day instead of on the outskirts of the city. He thinks it's lazy to have people to do things for you, so hates the idea of a concierge in our apartment block. He acts like I have ten staff around me at all times. I swear he does this just to push my buttons.
He tosses the box of macaroons down on the counter behind me, but continues the weird squinting thing, making me feel more and more uncomfortable.
Luckily, it's not long before Mark interrupts the chatter and orders everyone outside, its time to start cooking.
As we all filter out Mark grabs me by the elbow.
"Not so fast," he says "I need you for a sec." He pulls me back into the kitchen, Sarah follows too.
"What's up?," I ask, feeling the worry build that this might have something to do with Will. I really hope Sarah kept her mouth shut.
"Look Iz," Mark says, "Charlie was meant to tell you this himself, but we all saw how that went..."
"Dad? Yeah, he told me, he and Donna are a thing. Its fine, what's the big deal? Are you guys not okay with it or something?"
Maybe they hate Donna and thats what all this craziness is about, although judging by the look on Sarah's face right now, that's not the case.
"They're dating?," she asks. "That's all he told you?"
She eyeballs me like I should have more of an answer, but yet again I'm left feeling a little lost.
"Yeah, that was it. Why are you two tip toeing around me? What's the problem?"
"She's his girlfriend Izzy, you understand that don't you? They're together."
"Yes, I understand how dating works Sarah. So he has a girlfriend, big whoop, nobody expected him to stay by himself forever did they?"
"And you're okay with it?," she asks.
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"Okay then, I guess that's that. Lets go on out."
Sarah brushes past me toward the yard, prompting Mark to reach over me and grab her arm, stopping her. He shakes his head with disappointment.
"Now you're behaving worse than he is," he says to her.
Mark gives up waiting on Sarah to do the right thing, and decides he's going to break whatever's going on to me himself. "Izzy, your dad and Donna have been together for over a year, they got engaged a few weeks ago. I'm sorry that I'm the only one adult enough to tell you."
I look to Sarah, waiting for her to tell me that he's kidding, but she can't even look at me.
They've been together for over a year? And now they're engaged.
Why would he hide that from me?