FLASHBACK
"Nervous"
She asked with her squinted doe eyes which were showing a certain tint of worry as he smiled boxily hearing her. He attached his forehead to hers as their breaths intertwined as soothingly as possible; he was on top of her, admiring her beauty with his chestnut orbs. His fingers were clutched against hers above her head. She giggled as her teeth bit her lower plump lip after which eventually became red catching Tristan's attention. His mesmerizing bambi eyes wandered down from her eyes to her lips as he noticed a tint of blush spread over her tinted cheeks. Her fingers tried to unlock him but he tightened the grip as she chuckled looking somewhere else. He bopped her nose with hers as she pouted and looked at his eyes. Eyes were meeting in such a magical way that it gave their bones a little more weight to react that way which is embracing lovingly. She wrapped her arms around him as he buried his upper part on her neck and sniffed her fragrance, snuggled into her hair. Eventually leaving some tiny butterfly kisses to give her warmth. Her heart started racing when his arms captured her waist and pulled her closer. She snuggled herself more onto him as she inhaled his scent.
"Tristan….shhh stop being nervous ….hmmm"
She whispered affectionately near his ear. He never said he was nervous but she understood. This was Hiraeth, living by understanding him every moment she found as she cherished these moments, the moments of understanding him, trusting him, adoring him, admiring him, supporting him…caring about him …..finally loving him..this was her purpose of living….loving him…making him feel warmth and immense comfort. Making him feel worthy and unconditionally loved. Making him feel at home in her embrace. She was living when he was living his life to the fullest. She is selfless….when it comes to him…
He pulled out only to meet her concerned ones
"How did you understand?"
He asked pouting
She giggled and said
"you are a really good actor"
She said and started laughing when he pulled her near his face. They were inches apart.
"Hmmm, my madam is a very good actor too. As if you are not worrying about me at all"
She smiled shyly and looked somewhere else. Closeness was so delicate between them and was very much precious. They just savor every moment of their togetherness.
He smiled seeing her and millions of beats skipped his heart. He blushed a little, processing the proportion of closeness between them. She looked and said
"Tristan….breath…"
He exhaled heavily and then inhaled swiftly…
"you will be alright"
He nodded and said
"you know this feels l..like when I debuted with Jeremy ... .j..just so different then earlier…I am debuting performing in front of millions after more than 2 years. This is my first-ever solo concert. I am finally seeing myself doing this…in the last concert I couldn't perform, as you know my leg muscle was hurt but this time I practiced a hell lot and it should be perfect. I shouldn't make any mistakes ... .if I lack in something ... .if I don't express myself as their entertainment. What if I am not enough?"
She smiled adorably and placed her lips on his. He shared a passionate yet soft kiss with her. Then she started saying
"it's alright ... you tried your level best and I have seen it giving your blood, sweat, and tears everything for this precious occasion. Your presence is their worthy observation, your words are more than deserving of them, and your voice is their ultimate satisfaction, not your perfection or being more than enough. You are more than perfect because you are perfectly imperfect. Your imperfections make people love you even more. And if you make mistakes, it's alright…it's your fans…your own family and we tend to make mistakes in front of the family right ... You will do amazing, and if not then it's understandable and alright. The main thing is you are seeing them in person cheering for you, encouraging you….that's it. They want you guys to be happy with whatever you are doing on stage. If even you don't do anything on stage they would be just staring at you and never get tired ...."
He smiled while his eyes glistened a little. She smiled and made him look at her. She kissed his forehead sweetly and attached her forehead to his while saying
"you will be alright ... but please do think about me hmm? Don't hurt yourself while practicing or performing….hmm. You will get hurt but I will experience the pain"
She said, pouting sadly.
He pulled out and kissed her both cheeks one by one…..
"I will be alright…my love and why do you love me this much huh"
She chuckled when he tried to kiss her lips but she moved back and he pouted. She made him embrace her when her lips attached to his neck. he grasped when she started leaving delicate kisses on his neck and saying some soothing words to ease his nervous system
"My love is the best in whatever you do hmm"
"You will be alright"
"And please give your English speech properly…which I taught you ... .and if you can't then give it in Korean nah?"
She chuckled
"by the way when you speak in English…your lips shape turtle….why are you so freaking drama king when it comes to English, trying to be savage but does mistakes in between"
She laughed out loud when he was enjoying her nonstop bickering. This is what he loves about her, she is not so sweet, she is tender. She sometimes criticizes when needed but in a healthier way. He was giggling in between
"Then why do you just pretend to understand English in interviews when you don't understand a single word huh…and then act as if you knew what would be coming…"
He laughed out loud saying
"how do you know"
She said with a proud grin that he didn't see
"I understand your every single expression"
She whispered when their attached bodies started swaying and cuddling when his tiny kisses were tracing her neck skin and hers, his hair. They adored each other in such a warm way that nobody could ever imagine.
"Will you be there?"
He asked as she nodded saying
"In the backstage hmm?"
He nodded saying
"what did I do to get you huh"
He chuckled at his remark
"same question again… uff…Because you are fated to be loved by me hmm"
She said as he asked again while hesitating a little
"Are we fated to be together?"
She sighed and pulled out from their embraced bodies. Her lips found his dominantly as a few tear drops fell from her eyes when his eyes also teared up
"I don't know"
She said in between as he pressed himself more onto her while snuggling to herself. She pulled out and kissed his forehead very passionately and said
"Okay okay…no more sentimental things before the concert. Now let's sleep, you have a concert tomorrow….evening"
He pulled the white sheet over them and covered their pressed bodies. He hugged her, almost snuggling onto her. She giggled and embraced him back. He just made himself hide inside her embrace as a kid searching for a safe place. She was indeed his safe place...his home. they heard each other's calming breaths and after a while left the world into nothingness…
Sound rehearsals
"Where is he?"
She asked to give Jeremy his smoothie which she made. Jeremy gladly took his drink and chimed while his eyes were smiling. Jeremy's eyes always glitter more than the stars
"he is on that other part of the stage, the back part"
She nodded while she hugged Jeremy saying
"All the best, best friend… you will do great…I love you"
She chirped like a bird and Jeremy's heart fluttered in the warmth of affection.
She ran to the backside after pulling away from that comforting hug. She growled
"Can someone tell Mr. Kim that his plushy is here?"
Tristan, whose back was facing her, had a wide grin on his face hearing her adorable irritable tone. He chuckled after and turned to see her holding his favorite strawberry smoothie in a cup and a burger wrapped in some papers. This was her, she could have given it to the guards but no, she had to come herself to witness him eating properly and taking care of him. He ran towards her and embraced her carrying them into his arms. She grasped loudly and giggled afterward. His heart was getting out of control hearing her honey-sweet laughing voice. She wrapped her arms around his neck giving the ingredients of her hands to a guard
"Tristan…guards are watching ... what.Are you doing?"
He chuckled and put her down seeing her getting flustered and blushing hard.
"Are you alright? Have you been working overtime lately?"
He kissed her forehead and cut her words by attaching his lips to hers as she returned sweetly. She smiled in between the kisses as he started
"no…I am not overworking myself. Okay …my baby, then I am alright. Haven't felt pain while practicing. My baby gets too worried"
She giggled hearing his baby talking…
"Yeah yeah because I love you more than you love me"
He closed the gap between them and pressed their bodies together looking at her
"Okay okay, if you love me more than I do, then I love my love more than your love for me"
She laughed hitting him on the chest saying
"shi, why so many riddles huh? I don't understand these deep talks…"
He laughed saying
"ok now Ms. Writer doesn't understand deep talk"
She tried to push him while a smile was not leaving their faces. She pushed him and finally started running. He ran after her saying
"you better stop okay…"
"I love you too"
She screamed back and he blushed so hard while standing there. The staff were laughing seeing them being adorable kiddos.
He finally caught her from behind when she screamed
"Benjamin, he didn't start practicing for singularity yet"
Benjamin looked at Tristan and he just buried his face on her neck to avoid the scolding scene.
Benjamin is Tristan's dance trainer, and choreographer for his MVs, and performances. Benjamin is his private mentor, his elder brother.
"I will kill you okay"
She laughed and said while running towards Jeremy
"Okay, then I will wait for Jeremy in the hotel huh?"
Jeremy laughed like a doll and everyone looked at Jeremy and adored his smile. He smiles and the world blooms into a new world of happiness and warmth. This time Tristan ran after Jeremy as he started running towards Benjamin …
Hiraeth laughed seeing her family. It was for a short period because she was going to leave Tristan after the concert. If they become closer now then it would be hard for her to leave him. Even though it is heart-wrenching for her to leave him now also, she is strong enough and determined to not ruin Tristan's first concert. She would leave Tristan and wait for him at home. If he is here, then she would be highly distracted.
She ran to Tristan and stopped him from running towards a huffing Jeremy tired of running from him. She embraced him as tightly as possible whilst he looked confused but eventually felt her warmth which was melting his soft heart. He hugged her back carrying her holding her hip with his arms as he buried his face on her neck and started leaving butterfly kisses all over. A teardrop fell from her eye but she wiped it before anyone would ever notice. She kissed his hair slowly to give him satisfaction which was indeed present in his feelings but love was dominating every feeling of his.
"Give your best, my love. I trust you more than anything else."
She whispered and he couldn't feel luckier.
END OF FLASHBACK
Tristan
I closed my eyes as tears trickled down in utter quietness. I palmed my closed eyes. I was lying in the hotel room. His phone rang on the side table, as the expanse of the huge presidential suite made him feel more suffocated. He breathed deeply as he answered the phone call
"Tristan, are you alright?"
I heard Mom's voice as I sighed, maybe she heard of the incident from Hiraeth. Mom loves Hiraeth so much, just like her own daughter. Her care for her is immeasurable.
"yeah Mom, I am fine. How are you?"
"Tristan Hiraeth told me you are sick, you are getting overdosed on drugs. Are you kidding me? what happened son? You were never a drug addict. You always used to have alcohol under the limit. What happened to love? Are you over-stressed? Hiraeth is also worried about you."
I burst into tears, maybe millions of them. I cried screaming my heart out
"I ruined everything mom, I made a big mistake"
"What happened Tristan? Are you alright? Tell me"
Her voice was filled with concern.
I told her everything as she sighed now and then
"Tristan, were you out of your mind?"
I heard her scream, her voice filled with disappointment and dissatisfaction
"Mom I was on drugs"
"Of course you were, and whose choice was it? Tristan you chose to have the drugs, I am sure your acquaintances couldn't have tried you and forced you to have it. Maybe being intimate wasn't your choice, maybe the drugs did it, but taking drugs? Whose choice was it huh? You willingly consumed those drugs, those white powders. Tristan handling a solo concert isn't easy, everyone knows it but never can understand what heaviness and what pressure you are going through. But no matter how much pressure you got, no matter how much stress you wanted to bust down, drugs weren't ever a solution. Tristan when Samara tried to touch you that night 6 years earlier, you were on drugs but it was not Hiraeth. Tristan, this is not how it works. Suddenly you got Hiraeth and you knew she wouldn't leave you because you know very well how much she is involved with you, and you took advantage of her abandonment issue. You took advantage of your own wife's free will. Most of the wives visited their husbands, but she didn't. She wanted to give you enough freedom to enjoy these concerts alone. Those girls I am sure you don't even know names, Tristan don't be a disgrace to your father."
"I know I know I made a mistake and now I want to return to her, god knows how she must be. But millions of people bought tickets, we can't postpone the concert schedule, otherwise, we won't get the booking for the next two years. It's about my career."
She sighed deeply
"Tristan, the child Hiraeth is carrying is yours too right? It's your own family, how long will you keep running after your career, you also know that success is nothing if not shared with your loved ones. At this time Hiraeth needs you the most. A mother, especially in the time of her first child, is very sensitive, very overprotective, and very emotional. Tristan, I have made you this workaholic, but when you got married I told you to take care of her. Did you?"
"I did Mom, I did" A tear fell
"Love, you didn't. Tristan, do you know her favorite color?"
I thought about it a lot
"Pink, she loves me in pink"
I heard her sighing and murmuring something
"She loves you in pink but what color does she love?"
I froze, I never asked her
"This is not about the color Tristan, this is about you seeing yourself in a bond and not the other, in a bond, we need to know how we want to be loved by ourselves, not by the other. After marriage she only listened to you, she did everything you wished for, have you ever asked her if she was uncomfortable around the paparazzi? Have you ever asked her if she was alright with these reporters asking her absurd questions, I am sure you have protected her from them, but what about her not even wanting it, what if she was comfortable? You just told her to love the celebrity of yours too, but never asked her if she was ready to love a celebrity, Tristan not everyone likes attention, fans. Not everyone loves to be seen by the camera, photographed every second. She did it gracefully with a smile because she loves you but what if she dislikes everything happening around you? You just brought her to your home naming her your wife, what if she liked to lead a simple life."
"But Mom I love her"
"I know you did and you still do. Loving and fulfilling love is not the same son. I have observed you. You love her with all your heart but you don't let her love herself. In a marriage, she also has some wishes, and she also has some dreams, yes, of course, her dream career is being a writer, but what if her hobbies are different? She can't leave the apartment Tristan, The paparazzi don't stop following her, she is clicked everywhere. She doesn't say anything to you because she doesn't want to ruin your perfect image of a happy life. That girl is damaged, son, she left everything behind, not once, but twice. You had said she used to be with another guy, maybe that guy saved her somehow, and she lived with him which meant he might have had value in her life, she left that man too, just for you. All her life she has been running and running. Being a celebrity's wife isn't easy. Have you asked her how she was handling you, she just kept handling you, your dreams, your wishes, your desires, and now your child. She is a human, and she became a mother before she realized she needed to be happy too. I mean she must be happy loving you, but is she feeling loved that way? You took care of her body, her heart. But she has to be taken care of in the mind too. She needed assurance and being pregnant she came to see you, and you were the one who didn't go to her. Being a male isn't always superior, she is your wife, she has half rights and you have half rights."
"I understand mom, let's talk later huh"
"Tristan..Tristan-"
I cut the call as I went to the table and I snorted a shot of drug powder. I don't know why my brain can't handle these heavy thoughts. I need to numb the pain, I need to forget what I did. Mom was right and guilt was killing me. I need to forget. I need to forget.