Javi
Her eyes glittered as there danced stars in the expanse. She was wearing a peachy-hued maternity long-sleeved gown, and her hairs were tied back, in all these years she hadn't changed, she had become more beautiful. But as always sadness came with her like a shadow. But it was lighter. It's been 4 months of her being pregnant. Tristan didn't return and I didn't leave her side from then on. She hasn't told me yet why these sadness rays are reflecting from her. Some of the reasons I know, she misses Tristan. She is all alone, even if she is with me, without her husband, she is all alone regarding taking responsibility for a baby. I wonder how her daughter would be, will these brown eyes of her mother reflect on her too, or if it's a boy, how his cheeks would be, he may get puffy heaved cheeks like his mother. I smiled looking at her as her eyes widened looking at the library. It's one of the biggest libraries in Seoul. Her eyes growing so fond of the scenario, I heard her little gasps leaving her mouth, god she is beautiful.
In contrast to the busy, vibrant shopping mall in Gangnam, this modern, ritzy library forms a landscape in Seoul. It has become a major attraction in the mall with a flashy design and a huge, festive Christmas tree. How is it as a library? Who cares!
"It's beautiful Javi"
I felt confused for a while
"You haven't come here?"
She said without looking at me
"No, when I visited countries with Tristan for our vacation, I visited many libraries but in Seoul. I didn't. Tristan isn't interested in books that much. And besides he didn't get time after returning from our honeymoon, he became busy promoting his fourth album."
She said as if she hadn't been neglected, for many years now, how could she stay like this without going to her favorite places, without eating her favorite foods, she never did anything of her favorites, she never got to fulfill her hobbies.
"You should have come here alone, then"
She shook her head as she ran to an aisle where her favorite writer's books were shelved. I went behind her, her fingers graced a lot of books, I counted and memorized each of them, she flipped the papers, and read some of them, her eyes glittered and glistened in extreme joy. She finds pleasure in reading, I know. She loves to read fantasies, sometimes thrillers too. She ran to another aisle as I smiled and ran behind her, her hair flared in the air as she traced another pair of books with her fingers. I felt calm and peaceful just by seeing her. I love her.
A song was playing in my ears as I watched her reading those plots, her eyes delightful and lightning.
You were riding your bike to the sound of "It's No Big Deal"
And you're trying to lift off the ground on those old two-wheels
Nothing about the way that you were treated ever seemed especially alarming 'till now
So you tie up your hair and you smile like it's no big deal
You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
And not invite your family, 'cause they never showed you love
You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up, mmh
Matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright
But I know that you feel like a piece of you's dead inside
You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring the sun to the darkest days
It's none of my business, but it's just been on my mind
Her posture slowly and slowly relaxed as she was enjoying the time, she was for the first time enjoying her own time, after coming here, she never once looked at me, this was her place. She belongs here. I could feel her heart beating, getting swifter and sometimes racing a bit. It's like the reader in her got back, god knows how many years she didn't get time to read her favorite books
"I could have, but the media never stopped following, paparazzi were everywhere. I got uncomfortable without Tristan. So I didn't go"
She said and I almost missed it, she went to the next aisle and swayed her body a little smiling, her gown twirling. It's as if the air has turned her into something else, the book smells have intoxicated her brain, and she isn't thinking anything. I want to kiss her on these aisles. Please, God.
Her eyes softened and then right at that moment widened in shock
"Javi, there are my books, oh my god"
How can she never see her success with her own eyes? Millions of people read her books daily. She is one of the best-selling authors, did she forget her own identity, her own man made a successful presence, did she forget her existence as a writer? Why is she so surprised?
Her eyes landed on some people pulling out VISIONS OF GIDEON from the shelves of millions,
"Hiraeth didn't you know? Your books are supplied here too"
She shook her head as her wide round eyes looked at those youngsters giggling and reading her book, that's her first book, HEARTBEAT. Her eyes are almost glossier as she sees more youngsters coming to the aisle where one-sided shelves are all of her books.
"My agent knows, I don't know all these, besides there are only 3 books of mine and I haven't written for almost two years"
I frowned
"why?"
She looked attentively at those young teenagers surrounding the shelves where her books were located. She is grasping in between, her eyes are wide, cheeks are tinted a little.
"I don't know, I didn't like writing, I couldn't. Tristan's daily schedules were so much different, I had to cope with it. sometimes I had to sit with him at midnight as he wrote songs, looking at me, sometimes I had to wake up so early when he used to go overseas, he used to go sometimes with me, then sometimes two countries back to back, he had photoshoots, promotional events, sometimes I had to go check him if he was eating properly or not. I used to bake for him, he loves my dessert, so naturally I didn't have time. Sometimes I did get time when he was overseas, but I don't know, I was blank. My mind never created any story. I don't think I want to write anymore"
My heart clenched,
"Why? Why will you stop writing?"
She didn't answer as she went towards the group of teenagers
They looked behind as they squealed, gasping as if they looked like some ghosts. She laughed.
"Aren't you Mrs. Kim? Kim Tristan's wife"
The colors remaining just about drained from her face as she looked heavier in burden. Her face became completely dull as her expression became numb and tight
She nodded as she turned back, walking straight to me. I engulfed her in my arms as she breathed deeply
"Javi, take me away…I don't want to stay here"
I nodded as I left with her in my arms, her eyes dark and deep, as if thinking something so deep. I couldn't read her.
We sat in the car and she stopped me from driving
"Don't. Just stay like this for a while"
She looked ahead but her vision was somewhere else. She was in deep conversation with herself as if realizing something so different from what she wanted to
"Javi, you asked why I don't want to write anymore right?"
I nodded, holding her hand, interlacing our fingers as I took it on my lap. I caressed her palm as she said. Her whole face turned pale and sick. What happened?
"I never realized Javi, that being someone else's wife can change so many things. Can damage so many things. I never realized I was forgetting my existence, I forgot my own identity, I am not only Mrs. Kim. I am Hiraeth who wrote Visions of Gideon. I am a writer. After marriage, I forgot I had a life too like Javi. I was always involved in Tristan and his dreams and his career, I never realized I was sacrificing my profession by being his wife. I noticed so few things about my dream that I almost felt it didn't exist, I always thought my dream was being with Tristan, no my dream is to fulfill my dreams with Tristan holding my hands, and now I have lost both, by trying to make my husband happy in every sector, I forgot, I had a dream, I forgot I also can achieve a career and a profession. Javi I went to just 5 book launch events in these 4 years, people are bound to forget my face as a writer, whether I went with Tristan to too many press-covered events, or programs. People recognize me as Mrs. Kim, being a wife isn't an achievement, I never looked at my wishes, I have always wanted to be a writer, but not a writer who can't face anyone. I made this mistake earlier too by making the book anonymous. I tried to reprimand my mistakes, but after I got married, my whole life revolved around Tristan, Tristan's needs, Tristan's wants, and Tristan's dreams. Everywhere was Tristan. It still is. But what about me? I never wanted to be a housewife. I always wanted to work, but after getting Tristan back I didn't want him to be disappointed in me. I didn't want Tristan to be dissatisfied, that's why I always prioritized his career and his success. Forgetting I can be successful too. I know taking care of my husband isn't a bad thing I did. but I never took care of myself in my free time as well. I always thought about Tristan, he said and I did. it wasn't forceful but I did certain things which I don't like too."
She said as a tear fell from her eye. I wiped it. the grip of mine on her hand tightened. I leaned in as she leaned in for a hug. She hugged me. She always hugs me and I always let her hug me. I can never imagine a girl losing her identity and self-respect for her husband. How could she forget herself amidst everything, how can she neglect herself, her existence, all her life she thought about others, but never others. Is she human?
God, I want to kiss her tear away, please. Stop it. I closed my eyes as I inhaled. It's been a month and Tristan calls every day, but she barely answers. She barely gets excited hearing his name. rather her sadness overwhelms her. I have been staying in Seoul for a month, working from a hotel, interviewing people through video calls, and interacting with Lucy through voicemails. I can't leave her like this alone. Her best friend calls sometimes and she talks for hours with her. She isn't ready to go to Milan with me, so I will stay until she decides to tell me everything on her own. She must have understood I still love her.
"Hiraeth, it isn't any late, start writing from today, I will read the drafts just like earlier, and tell you what needs to be added or detect any mistake."
She pulled out from the hug as she said
"I don't have any idea"
She pouted, wiping her swollen nose and puffy eyes.
" I have one"
She looked at me expectantly as I narrated a plot that I wanted for my next magazine. She can make a story with bits and pieces of the plot. I know her talent. She can write a beautiful story with my theme"
I started narrating as the rain started pouring on top of the car roof, making that droplet sound soothing, she loves the rain. Her eyes looked around as her eyes smiled and then her lips. I switched open the windows as rapid raindrops hit her face, and she giggled. She extended her hand outside as her fingers were drenched in rain and the side of her face was also getting wet. I let her play in the rain for a while. I have already taken towels an extra pair of shirts and a shawl. I have water bottles in the car, medicines, general pain relief sprays, and every report from the doctor. I have copied those files to my pen drive too. Can't take any chances for these two babies of mine.
Suddenly I stilled. The baby isn't mine, so why this extra protectiveness of mine? Where is this coming from? Maybe from the habit of staying with her for a month. I have fulfilled her every craving. Never let my girl sleep without eating. I leave her house at night and come in early in the morning.
I admired her as she admired the rain
There is no difference between me and Hiraeth, we love dearly. But we don't get those dear loves. I want to give it to her. I swear I will give her everything. She looked at me, and I was so engrossed in looking at her that I didn't realize she came close, I felt a water splash on my face as I gasped,
"you did not just do that. Hiraeth" I asked making a fake angry pout
She laughed as my car felt the rhythm of her laughter, this is my love, her laughter, her lightening eyes, and her wholly.
You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
And do not invite your family, 'cause they never showed you love
You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up
You can see the world, following the seasons
Anywhere you go, you don't need a reason
'Cause they never showed you love
You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own