Hiraeth
Javi, a starry-eyed lover of mine.
I asked in the very first of this book, how it is to be a lover of him. I laughed looking down for a while
Let me tell you the second when I fell in love with him when he got all nervous and with a shivering body he said you were drenched and I had to change your clothes when I realized an unknown man had seen my intimate parts and never taken advantage, when he got Goosebumps when I told him to hold me and he told me he will yeah, he did, for forever. I fell in love with him when he washed all the mud smeared against me, I fell in love with him when he held me all night as I cried, I loved him when he read every of my drafts, every letters, and every book regarding my love for Tristan and told me I wrote beautifully and not why did you write about him, I loved him when in my halts, he would peek through the room to make sure I am fine and secured and warm, I loved him how his fingers gripped my waist tightly when I told him the story of Declan and David, I loved him as his eyes teared up when he heard about Maira, I loved him as his silence was enough for me when I was narrating Tristan's story, I loved him how eyes doe eyes gazed at me with curiosity, I saw him falling in love with me as time goes, I was a broken vessel and he was the cement and asked me to redo the vessel and this time with cement and it won't break, I loved him when he kept holding me when I said I missed Tristan, I loved him when his fingers graced my waist as he held me in every anxiety attack, in every panic attack he embraced me as if he was the one who needed to touch me, I loved him when he came rescuing me asking very innocently why I did that, I loved him when his eyes became wide and his cheeks filled with freckles, I loved him when he used to hold me to sleep, to nightmares and to daydreams. I loved him when he said I didn't owe him happiness just because he gave me happiness, I loved him when he simply asked me to leave for my happiness after telling me to marry him, I loved him when he told me everything would be fine every time I couldn't let myself breath, he smiled at me every time guilt was killing me, he caressed me whenever I was smeared with overthinking, he kissed me when I was a depressed pale soul. I loved him when he returned the Hoodie I had come wearing because I used to smell it remembering Tristan. I loved him when he cried holding me, as if his heart was ripping apart. I loved how his eyes lightened whenever I used to say something or did something. I loved him when we danced in my loneliness; I loved him all the time thinking I was loving Tristan. I was already in love with him, but I never wanted him. did I? no
I didn't want him then, but now I do. I wanted Tristan at that time because that love was different, captured my soul and mind and I felt I was in a reverie. But those little things of Javi made me realize love can be this peaceful too. Love doesn't always have to be getting bashed, or getting hit by a truck. This love meant returning home and falling on the mattress.
My love for Javi earlier was different, definitely not romantically. But now when he came back, I feel myself drowning in a myth called love which was so different than I ever knew. I feel happy with Javi. I feel loved. I feel myself. I feel freedom; I feel this is what I have always wanted.
I feel good whenever I am with him, and he is always there for me. whether it's 6 in the morning or 2 in the midnight. Either to make me eat, or to make me food, or to massage my feet, or to simply read me a book, or narrate a story, or just simply watch me fall asleep.
I am a girl and I always wanted to be taken care of, even being a wife. But my husband didn't give me time, I barely got him to myself, He saved the world by sacrificing both of our lives, but forgot I was not his to sacrifice. I am myself. And Javi taught me this, he taught me to say it, if my thoughts are different but still I need to say it.
Being his wife, I also had some wants, needs, desires, and care for everything.
I looked at Javi as I came back from the room Tristan was in. I made him fall asleep.
Javi stood up from the chair he was sitting in. It was almost midnight. Maybe 2 in the morning. I stared at those tired eyes. his eyes bloodshot red, red pit fiery. I can't look at them
I looked down as he said
"I uhm I think I should leave"
A sudden brick of pain took birth in me as I felt my heart was swollen. He turned to leave, his jelled hairs were disheveled, tears hadn't dried.
I held his wrist as he stopped, the hospital aisle was empty. The corridors were empty and echoing our breaths as melodies. I turned with his eyes, eyes so questioning. I never saw a man this built looking broken into pieces and the pieces can't be found.
I leaned forward as I attached my forehead to him
He said
"tell me to leave"
Tears fell from my eyes again, warm droplets drenching my heart too
"Ask me to leave, Hiraeth," he said as his voice cracked the whole time. A wailing man Is never beautiful, but man oh man, can this man be more beautiful, with flushed red cheeks, eyes this swollen, nose this puffy, Moles daunting me still. I don't remember Tristan now. I don't and that's the proof I have already fallen for Javi being in a marriage and pregnant with someone else.
"Javi"
"I said ask me to leave, I will leave right this moment"
His voice was firm and tightened just like his chest.
"Javi I can't, you know that"
I said trying my best to control the sobs
"why? It was so easy for you to leave 4 years ago, then why hard now? fallen for me huh?"
I did damn it. I am head over heels for you Javi, and I am damn in love with you, I breathe freely with you, I live a little more with you. I love you, you have made me fall for you after so many years. You have made me forget my husband. You have made me feel like myself after decades.
"why? Can't say it now?"
He accused me of looking at his eyes, we were both looking down and at the same time looking at each other. He is a mirror of me, I can see myself in him. trying to cope with the world so heavy, that our shoulders were sinking.
"Alright, just tell me. In these months you didn't feel anything, nothing was going on between us. Absolutely nothing. You saw me as a friend and I will fucking leave the moment you say it"
I can't. I can't leave my kid, I don't want my kid to grow up without a father, I don't want her to think she is living with separated parents, her childhood can't be ruined. I will be selfish to ask Javi to say I love him. because now I do, I don't know when it happened this differently. I used to love him as my friend, but I want more than friendship. I want to be with him. How these feelings grew I don't know. Hiraeth, whose heart used to never beat for Javi, is feeling wild inside for this man now. How I am damned in love now with Javi, I used to feel guilty for not returning the feeling but now I am guilty for feeling this much. I love Javi, just like he told me his love was. finally, my love was like his love. I sky him.
I am so afraid to let him leave me, I can't let him leave. He makes me happy, I want to make him happy too. I want to love him, please. Suddenly I realized the love I have for Tristan had an ending, the love for Javi, is a flow. It's like breathing and I will keep on breathing. I will keep on living with this secret hidden love of mine. I can't see him leave. But I chose my husband. And this time, my Javi can't handle the pain, he will do something.
"Tell me you didn't feel an ounce"
He again asked, this time holding my shoulders
"tell me you don't want a life with me, tell me you don't want to leave all this commotion behind, be Hiraeth, for once, live for yourself"
He said as I hugged him tight, our bodies shivered and jerked as we cried, in silence, his arms didn't wrap around my waist this time. He was hurt and I hurt him again.
I looked on the bench he was sitting on, it had a bottle of white pills. The bottle was near his backpack, was it his? I frowned as I pushed him a little to take the bottle in my hand.
I pulled out the bottles and I read the label, it was the antidepressants, I know. I have seen people take it. it is taken when our brain collapses in extreme moments, and how our mind wants it to stop thinking.
"Javi, what is this?"
He turned as if he knew he got caught. I sucked my breath thinking this man who said he was fine the past 4 years, was depressed and depression kicked his limbs badly. I went to him and cupped his face. I looked at his dark blank eyes, that meant he took it, these medicines numb emotions, and numb reactions, and day by day we forget to feel, to express ourselves, we become stone. No Javi, don't stop these feelings, it's getting bottled up inside you. That's why his eyes most of the time were raven and angry, that's why the softness was decreasing, he was controlling his own emotions by forcing them down. He gulped his feelings down. Oh my god.
That's why these eyes never smile the earlier way, his eyes are always bloodshot. That's why his face was getting bony. If my heart can be ripped apart, the pain I would have felt is the same pain I am feeling
"You said you would take care of yourself, Javi"
I asked him jerking his body with my arms, I fisted his chest asking him, crying my heart out. I almost killed this man
"you said you won't take these steps, you were killing yourself for god's sake Javi"
He looked down looking defeated as ever, teardrops still falling drenching his whole red face.
"Why did you do this huh? I didn't know. What has happened to you? what if it side effected so much, that I might have fucking lost you, do you know the consequences, I had to live without you, I can't. do you hear me, I can't live knowing there isn't a Javi breathing fucking fine. Do you think if I lost you then it wouldn't affect me? how could I have lived? Didn't you think about me? all these years I was guilty for leaving you like that in that night, helpless and feeling useless, crying pathetically. All my life I convinced myself saying you were breathing fucking fine. But you weren't. did I make you this weak, did I leave you to kill yourself? How could I have lived knowing you weren't there on the other side of the world? I know I don't admit it. but yes I felt different and I can't see you breaking like this. the moment you came into my life in these past few months I felt so good, so happy, I felt I lived a little, I was dreaming of a life with you, I felt like a teenager, getting all blushy and giddy and it made me happy, it made me feel gentle, it made feel affectionate."
He looked at me as if I said something he wanted to hear forever. Still, how can this man love me?
"Then come with me Hiraeth, let us leave here. I will make you happiest. Come with me to my world, see what I have got for you, I will make you live and by doing this I will live a little more. I love you Hiraeth"
There you go, my heart clenched in extreme love for this man after hearing the confession. When this love ignited inside me, I didn't when I felt this much harder for him. his arms captured my waist pulling me closer, our lips were inches apart, and our breaths were tingling and twirling. I could breathe in him forever. I realized. I don't want Tristan now.
I want to take care of him but my heart will never agree to love Tristan now, after knowing someone can love me like this too, after knowing I can fall like this too, my heart won't agree with Tristan's heart now. it has gotten a taste of the best now. I want to kiss him now. I want to kiss Javi
It Sounds absurd but I do. I want him to kiss me.
"I can't Javi, should I leave my kid with my husband or should I bring the kid to grow up without a father, you very well know the feeling of not having a father."
He looked at me as I looked at him, our eye contact was so deep, that I could never get enough of it.
"Promise me you won't take it, the pills"
I said as he nodded kissing my forehead
"But How can I calm myself down?"
He said innocently
His tears were dried, and I caressed his cheeks with my palm. He was warm towards me. our heartbeats were in total sync. Total rhythm.
I leaned and placed my lips on his. I kissed him firmly, with lots of guts twisting, he pulled me closer as there was no distance between us. our lips mingled and I knew, right at that moment, that I was in love with this man. For me and just for myself. Our breaths amalgamated as his lips opened my lips, and entered my mouth, I saw him closing his eyes, drinking me in, all of me. I was his, right at this moment I am his, and only his. I want to keep feeling this. He knows this kiss is our first because earlier, my heart never wanted but it wants now. making me fall for him deeper and deeper.
I realize I can never feel this with Tristan now, I can make my vows worth it but can't be a lover now, I can be a wife, but not a lover. I am a lover of Javi and he is mine. I wanted to make Tristan feel loved, but I am getting a hint that I might never. I want to make Javi feel loved
What Is it like to be a lover of Javi? I laughed looking down
It is like breathing, it is like living, it is like falling asleep with arms caged around me. it is the word happiness
We pulled out as our panting echoed in the aisle. I said breathless
"Leave Javi"
He turned around as he kept walking, never looking back at me.
I knelt and cried, I screamed, I palmed my face. I lost my first love and I lost my last love. Pathetic isn't it?