Hiraeth
"Javi YOU DIDN'T"
I saw a
Lamborghini in front of me, a black leaked. He was standing beside me. His hands were on my shoulder as we looked ahead at our porch. A lavish Lamborghini standing right in front of me. A tear escaped from my eye.
"Hiraeth this is the first car I bought with your money, this is your first car."
I nodded, my heart beating wild, in happiness and overwhelm. I could never describe it in words, I always wanted a car for myself with my own money and I had told Javi about it. I never thought he would buy it for me. This man never fails to impress. The way he looks at me still makes me flustered. It's been 7th month of pregnancy and Tristan hasn't returned
I need to talk to him about everything.
I haven't talked to him for months now. He tried hard to talk to me, calling me now and then. But I couldn't get myself to talk to him.
He was looking at me continuously. Doesn't he get tired?
I looked at him as his eyes traced my face as if I was something out of the world beautiful. I wasn't. I may have become more ugly, the baby bump is clear and round. It's getting huge. UGH
"Javi come here, come here touch it"
His fingers graced my belly skin as we both felt my daughter's kick. He looked at me with his doe eyes, fondness dripping from it, his touch making me feel tingly all over. I am feeling different for him and this feeling is increasing each day. I feel good with him.
But the emptiness doesn't leave my heart anymore. I heard a ringtone on my phone. It was from Tristan.
He looked at the caller ID, as he looked at me with readable pain. I know he doesn't approve of my marriage anymore. He thinks it's broken, it's a failure. I don't blame him. My marriage is a disaster. I haven't seen my husband and he wasn't there in any of my first pregnancy checkups, nor during the heartbeats of our daughter, during these kicks. Javi's been there and I have been grateful to him, I even feel so much different around him which is giving me hints that one day I might love him and choose a life for me. For my happiness.
But I didn't feel happy with Tristan. It's not like that. Tristan's made me happy, so happy, just by being himself. He didn't do anything special for me. He just existed and I became happiest. The way he used to give me smiles whenever he used to see me waiting for him at late night, the way his sun eyes used to reflect sun rays towards me whenever he used to return from events, or a recording or award functions, the way his eyes glide towards me whenever he receives an award as if it happened because of my extreme support, the way his lips guides against mines, making me feel it is only me for him, it is only me who can calm his nervous system, his palpitating heartbeats, the way he used to make love, worshiping my body in every delicate way he discovered, the way his eyes used to stare at me for hours as he wrote songs, the words describe him, the lyrics and those melodies describe him. I felt good around Tristan even after sacrificing a lot of things. I was engrossed in thoughts of him, in taking care of him, in making him feel loved. He did make me feel loved. But Javi makes the love easier to feel as if it flows.
Javi makes me live for myself. And Tristan makes me live for him, which is accepted by me till now. Javi makes me love my work, my writing, my thinking, and my themes, Javi makes me believe in miracles, Javi makes me feel beautiful and Tristan makes me sing songs. Javi makes me feel whole as an individual, makes me feel I can do things for myself without feeling guilty or sorry, makes me learn to live for myself, and makes me feel I can grow without anyone's help, Javi made me learn that loneliness doesn't always creep in. Javi makes me feel special about myself. I feel capable of doing adventures because of Javi, publishing, writing a new book, and taking a challenge, all these little things made me happy and it is only possible because of Javi, I got to breathe just for myself because of Javi. He takes me to bookstores as I read there sitting for long periods, he lets me shower in the rain, he reads me his magazine ideas, he massages my feet every night, he makes me eat my favorite food, he makes me feel giddy all over.
Tristan didn't do any of these, but he returned to me every night, after every hassle in his life, after every tour, every concert. He didn't return this time to my arms as always. why? Was I not enough for him?
I pushed Javi a little as I answered the call
"Hello Hiraeth"
My name is being sung but why am I becoming so selfish, why do I want more for myself in these 4 years? Why do I want to do all those things I like with Javi, not Tristan?
His voice broke suddenly, and my heart pricked and raced in fear
"Tristan, what happened? why is your voice"
There is a lot of hassle around, the background commotion is heavy and echoing near the phone he is talking to me with
"Hiraeth It's Jeremy, Just come. Tristan's state is getting weaker, I don't know, his body is getting blue and pale. His breathing problems increased; there is a ventilator on his mouth so he can't talk"
"WHAT? AND YOU ARE SAYING THIS TO ME NOW?"
"FUCK I AM COMING, WHICH HOSPITAL?"
I cut the call after he answered. I looked at Javi. And burst into tears, he caged me in his arms.
"Tristan, something has happened to him…Javi, what might have happened? I am so scared. I am so scared. Take me to him please"
He nodded, kissing my hair; I cried so much, fear overwhelming my every feeling. I neglected him for so many years, what happened? It is my entire fault. I always leave him alone. I am so much regretting the thought of leaving.
Is he sick, how sick is he? His voice was getting ragged, and breathless. Oh my god, oh my god. Please god, make him well.
"Javi book the tickets, I need to see him please"
He cupped my cheeks as I went to hug him
"Nothing will happen to him. just keep breathing, don't panic, it's not good for health, it's not good for the baby"
He whispered as his eyes were so sad, I could barely make any expression other than sadness. He was feeling rejected. It is all again my fault. I am again in the same cycle. But this time. I feel for Javi. Even if it's a little bit, I feel for Javi, I want Javi. But I can't leave Tristan. He is my husband. Lawfully with every vow. I vowed to protect him. Besides, I am still very in love with Tristan. He is the love of my life.
He isn't my lover anymore, but he is my husband and the father of my child. I need to be with him. I can't think of myself.
I care for him even after everything
A FEW HOURS LATER
We reached the hospital in New York. It was his meet. I heard from Jeremy, he suddenly felt great pain on the left side of his chest. He suddenly started sweating a lot as he fainted on the stage. I saw a huge crowd surrounding the hospitals, my eyes landed on people. As I saw every individual crying, for whom? For my husband? I saw banners and again big placards saying YOU SAVED MY LIFE KIM Tristan, YOU SAVED OUR LIFE BY YOUR MUSIC, YOUR MUSIC SAVED OUR LIVES, I WAS SUICIDAL BUT YOUR WORDS SAVED ME, YOUR LYRICS MADE US HAPPY. Every person was cheering as I saw with widened eyes, Javi was right behind me. I looked at my side as a girl saw me, she was crying, maybe she was in the meet
"I was at the meet event. He was fine until the moment someone asked him about his child and his wife. He felt great pain, his eyes started revolving as his consciousness was hampered, he was sweating, and he was feeling breathless. I was paralyzed last year and at that time I started hearing his songs, his songs had meanings of life, and they inspired me to live, not give up, not be suicidal, and not lose hope. He saved me. but now he is in there"
She said as I looked at him with tears brimming in my eyes, I felt extremely exhausted as my baby bump was heavy.
"I was not selected in the entrance exam and his songs at that time gave me so much strength to, not lose hope and try again, his encouraging words made me want to try again. I lived for him"
Another girl said she was a teenager.
"I was suffering from depression and his songs helped me not to feel helpless and useless. He saved our lives"
Another young boy around the age of 23 said. Tears fell as I made my way through it, his guards recognized me as they escorted me. I didn't realize I was leaving Javi behind alone. I almost walked as fast as I could.
Jeremy came running to me saying he was inside, a lot stable. But my heart didn't agree. The last time I looked at him he was with those girls. Tarnishing the marriage. I went inside almost panting because of the weight I was carrying. I caressed my belly as it kicked when I finally looked at Tristan. Tears fell rapidly; I paled my face crying, I looked at my husband, with a ventilator in his mouth, pipes gliding through his skin with injections, there were saline bags too, and a monitor showing his heart rate. I went to him and saw his eyes were closed, he was sleeping. The smell of antibiotics and ointments filled my nostrils. I held his hands, I gripped his hands as I cried, so much in silence, being careful to not wake him up. But he woke up.
His sun eyes fluttered as my heart skipped a beat. After everything this man makes me feel breathless and almost dead. My heart reacts the same way, the same way it beats for him. the same way it sings melodies seeing him, the same way it races. There is one difference. suddenly another face flashes in front of me. Javi's. A man who made me live for myself in all these months.
He looked at me and if guilt could tarnish a man, then it is him. I can feel his heart beating against my palm which I just kept on his chest. His heartbeat was normal. Then why suddenly have a breathing problem?
"Tristan…Are you okay?"
I asked whispering and crying
His free hand came leaning towards my eyes as he wiped my tears. I burst into tears
"I am sorry, I am sorry, for not answering your calls, barely answering you, I won't do it anymore. I will always be with you, you hear me. I will always be with you, always take care of you, I got so scared"
His palm caressed me, his hands were cold. I can't. It hurts to see him like this. This is all because of me. Why couldn't I talk to him in these months?
"I am sorry Hiraeth, I ruined our marriage"
I looked at his eyes, so much grief there was that it could shatter a human. He did me wrong, it can't be forgiven but, he saved so many lives. He is a great human, he did wrong to himself, and his wife but he saved this young generation, this world's half of the population. His words dominated the world and he made it a better world. I never realized he was sacrificing his time too just to make people live a little. I never saw it from his side that he too was missing out on time with me, he was also missing out on his baby's first heartbeat, his daughter's first sonogram in my womb, it must have killed him too, but he sacrificed his happiness of being a father to just save people, to make people feel good. It must have taken his whole will to not come to me running and taking care of me. Because he couldn't live with these suffering souls, he had to make them feel worthy inspire them, and make them so happy. He sacrificed me and his happiness with me. I know he wanted to come to me, I still can feel it. but he didn't, he sacrificed his happiness without being with me during pregnancy. He also wanted to be with me, he also wanted to come and see his wife, and he also wanted to hear his baby's heartbeats, but he had to choose between his fans and me. And he chose them. It must be the hardest decision of his life. It took him so much to get me, but it took him his whole life to be a messiah for people. Being a celebrity is harder than anyone has ever imagined. He had to compromise with his family because he was saving millions of families, and millions of broken hearts. I am so proud of him.
"I am sorry I missed everything right?"
I shook my head, tears still spilling from my eyes like a river flow. I took his hand, and graced my skin with his fingers, as he felt the kick of his child, the first kick. He bit his lips as he burst into tears, he removed the ventilator as he was breathing. I wiped his tears as I leaned and attached my forehead to him. He cried his heart out, his whole body jerked against my arms, I held his shoulders to stop him, but he didn't.
"it's a girl, you are the father of a baby girl Tristan"
He smiled wide in between tears. His eyes are lightening now. His sun eyes were beautiful as always. I love this man. It's the love of two parents. a father and a mother. This is the first time I am experiencing this with Tristan, as the father of our child. Only we can understand what we are feeling because the soul inside is our blood, our flesh. Our love. This is the feeling only felt between parents. his eyes widened seeing the baby bump
"I am sorry"
I shook and kissed his forehead, I wiped his tears. And attached the ventilator again. but he pulled it down as he made me lean. I don't know why I was doing this. He cheated on me. I shouldn't be right. I did. I attached our lips as his breath mingled with mine. People might say why I gave him another chance. I don't know, as a mother and as a wife. I need my husband only. This is a feeling only a wife can understand. I married this man with a vowing I would always protect him, no matter what, I would always understand him. even if it meant sacrificing myself. I can't unlove him. I didn't fall out of love, I just lived for myself with the help of Javi. But I can't run away from being a wife or a mother. As the mother of his child, I always want him.
I know I fell in love with Javi during these months. But I can't look for a lover now. I can't look for a better option. I can't look for more happiness now, that's very selfish of me.
I know I haven't fallen out of love with Tristan, I am still damn in love with him, not as a lover, I am not in love with him to feel loved, I want to make him feel loved and I love the feeling of making him happy. I will do anything for my husband.
I sound confused but I am not. I love Javi because with him I can love myself. I love Tristan because after everything, after showering immense love and inspiring people, he needs a home to return to, and after everything I want to be that home.
I can't choose Javi or my partial happiness. I need to look for my husband and I will. I will always love my husband.
I kissed him back, he was warm now against me. He was loved. I love him, yes. I can't face Javi now