Hiraeth
My husband isn't a bad man. He is a good man, in life we live certainly with one way of thought but never the other way. He didn't do me wrong, in a way, it was me. I did me wrong, the realization hit so bad at last that there is no way to reprimand it. Or repair these broken hearts.
I married Tristan with my own will, was it a mistake? No. It was the happiest day I have ever been. As a singer and as a man of well-grown success, he tends to think differently according to pressure and stress. I love my husband. Yes with all those irresponsibility. He didn't understand how to be a husband, and honestly, there is no description of how to become a husband, a good husband. He tried to take care of me, I was the easier one to convince, I was at fault because I didn't say no to him in any way, or any situation. I needed to make him learn by arguing sometimes, which I didn't. Being a girl with a fear of loneliness, never wanted to be left alone by him. Never wanted to disappoint this man, there were times when I could have answered differently or shared my thoughts which were different from him, in a way he would have understood. I always went with the flow he created. I never went my own way, some days I felt he was doing me wrong or he was failing. Some days I knew he was lacking his responsibilities. But I didn't stop him saying you were doing wrong, let me teach you how to handle me. I couldn't ask for my rights. I always ignored myself in this marriage. If this marriage ever breaks, it will be because of my choosing something for myself, not because he cheated. I wasn't always happy in this marriage. I wasn't always getting freedom from most things. A marriage starts with amateur things. We were both new to this marriage thing, but I could have put more effort into listening to my own heart and not just his. It's not only his marriage but also mine, I had to ask for rights but I didn't. I was left alone, I wasn't supported and not even considered for my work by my husband. My husband was busy fixing his broken career which is at its peak now, but I am here, trying to fix my broken marriage and my ended career. Whose fault was it? Mine
I think about Javi, a star-eyed boy of mine. A home I could never call my home. Sometimes I think if I had stayed with Javi that night, then I might be happy, might not be in love but eventually happy. This man makes me so happy. Take care of me. My sweet innocent purest man, Javi. Grateful isn't even a word. It's the 5th month of marriage and I am inside my ultrasound room, to see the baby and hear heartbeats. It's the gender reveal day too. The nurse asked
"Ma'am, do you want me to call your husband"
I looked at her as I was lying, my heavy baby bump showing, glowing under the lamp light of the room, I smiled gently. Tristan's tour ends next month
I said
"Call the man outside standing"
She nodded as Javi entered a few minutes later, looking at me with some daring emotions in his eyes. Sometimes he looks more aged than he is. His doe eyes are stern, ready for any action, my princess wasn't always like this, he was delicate, and life taught him a lot of things as he became this firm inbuilt inside and out. His hairs are always jelled and smoothed. His eyes are now softer, it is much softer but not like earlier.
The lady doctor entered as she smiled at me. I smiled back, Javi came and stood behind me, he leaned and asked
"Should I go outside, love"
How does he call me love every time? How is this still his habit? I feel giddy all over when he calls me that, the prickle of my heart is different. I never felt this around Javi. I looked at him as he was so close, I looked at his face, lined his features, Javi you are a beautiful man, the mole is daunting it's way, his freckles are there around his cheekbones, and he became more bony but not ugly. He was evergreen, a man can be this pretty up close I never knew. How are the stars in the sky in his eyes? Still?
"no, stay"
I whispered back as I felt a different kind of pang inside my heart, the eye contact of ours was so deep, we would both collapse into a deep abyss, his eyes saying so many things and I know what things. A strange string was holding us both together, we were both water and fire, dissolving each other but never burning each other. I felt good, I felt really good looking at him. This man never left Seoul, he has been here for 2 months now and I couldn't be more grateful. But it isn't only grateful. I am feeling different for him. A warm pit fire inducing inside me. He looked at me yearning now. He was asking for something I couldn't give. But do I want to? Yes. I know what this different feeling is. I never felt anything for Javi, but today I do. I am feeling something so much stronger I never knew I could feel.
He nodded as he pulled away, he held my hands, as the doctor did my ultrasound.
Ultrasound is a prenatal test offered to most pregnant women. It uses sound waves to show a picture of your baby in the uterus (womb). Ultrasound helps your healthcare provider check on your baby's health and development.
She asked me to look at the monitor, as her fingers revolved an electrical cord around my belly. I felt my heart was stuck as I heard the first sound of a heartbeat. It's my baby's. I felt my body shiver, it's pretty clear now. I felt my heart turning wild in beating, I looked at Javi, his eyes were as always with me. He was there with me from the very start. How can I adore this man so much? I plucked out those earplugs from my ear and asked him to lean, he leaned near my face as I wore him the plugs, and the grip on my hands tightened again after I let him hold me again. After wearing the plugs. I felt him freeze on my hand, his arms got goosebumps, eyes became glossier as we both heard the baby's heartbeats, swift and slow. I can cry. I will cry any moment. I am a mother. Oh god. How magical this feels, everything is so overwhelming, a soul is breathing inside me, I am bringing a soul from me. I can't believe it. Javi looked at me as he leaned towards my lips. I suddenly realized we were both greatly emotionally disturbed now. Not now, Javi. I pushed him slightly as he got back his face. I looked at his face, he didn't mind or he did, always hiding the real hurt away. How can this man live like this? He is in love with me
He is so damn in love with me, I could cry. The doctor showed us the video footage of my baby's movements. Javi hugged me from the side as he leaned his whole body towards the screen, and we saw the kid, a baby's growing limbs. I looked at Javi.
We both realized we were silent the entire time. There were tears in his eyes, the doctor left us to share some moments alone with the kid.
I burst into tears, Javi hugged me as we both looked at the screen with tears in our eyes, this was a human inside me. I can't believe it. I never saw this much affectionate Javi, he had never been this much affectionate towards anything, but the way he looked at the baby. He looked at me as he sat on the bed, holding my hands, our faces inches apart
"You are going to be a great mother love"
He kissed my forehead, in these 5 years, I never felt anything this loving. The way he said it melted my heart, it curved in my heart. I believed him. I will be a great mother.
AFTER A FEW MOMENTS
"It's a girl"
The way I and Javi gasped widening my eyes, I could barely feel the happiness as Javi carried me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I squealed.
"It's a girl, it's a girl…Oh my God Hiraeth"
I felt I was on top of the world. Sharing this feeling with someone is so pleasurable. I never knew. I wanted this with Tristan. But I couldn't. But with Javi, I think I haven't got this much right in this world. This can never be wrong. I feel Javi is the only thing I need now. In his arms, I feel loved, taken care of, and valued.
I buried my face in his neck as the doctor laughed patted our heads, and left.
"Lovers like you guys these days are rare"
She said while leaving. We both stilled but never left each other. I want to hold him. There is this sudden urge to not let him stop touching me. I feel good when he touches me. This is the first time I want to touch him so badly. I need to hold him, and I will hold him forever. What are you saying Hiraeth?
I pulled out enough to see his face, flushed and overwhelmed. For my child. This man is so beautiful in his heart. My heart is full of him, I don't know. I haven't thought of Tristan when I am with him now. For two months, whenever I am with him, I haven't thought about Tristan. I attached my forehead to him as we breathed each other. This is more than intimacy and I don't know when I went so deep with this feeling for Javi.
He swayed our bodies as I laughed and our faces brushed against each other.
"It's junior Hiraeth I tell you."
I nodded as our giggles echoed around the hospital room.