"HIRAETH'S FIRST-EVER POETRY BOOK"
he is for me I guess like a fragrance of something sweeter than honey and something bold like espresso
he is like a poetry of my words which I don't write
he is like the taste on my lips when I have chocolates
he is like a rock-solid wall when I want to vent and scream
he is like the breath when I just stopped running and I need to breathe horribly
he is the skin when I need to cover my scars
he is like the smile when I forget to smile for so long but end up laughing seeing something pretty ordinary
he is like my tears...soft...warm and glistening cleaning my trash inside
he is like a song that includes the word, love
he is like the sky...adoring the moon and then adoring the sun
he is that one ounce of happiness when I feel grateful for my existence
he is everywhere and in every thought and every breath
I am grateful I am alive to just see he is alive in my world too. we see the same moon and the same sun
May God let him be in love like me but not with me
"Baby I was losing myself
Slowly was sweeping myself into this bloodthirsty society
Drifting into the homicide
Drowning in this cut-throat
But when you came
I felt the world still had some flowers left to crush
But my insides were determined to protect you
And in that process, my heart curved like your lips
In that process, my insides pouted like your lips
In that process, my mind giggled like your lips
In that process, my feelings bloomed like your hairs
In that process, my brain got hypnotized
And in that process, I lost you by
Winning you"
The moment I saw you
I felt I entered a new world of
The alluring and deep demeanor of his
Where his rusty dry lips were parted
Against mine and he smiled against our almost collided lips
I was too scared to part ways because I love the
The velvety chocolate-rusted feeling of his lips
I was too scared to hold his hands
Because if he backs away
But I am savoring his lips like they are made for me
My fingers intertwined with his
And he let me hold him tightly without saying no
I felt like I was underground and falling
Can't able to handle the heaviness my heart is feeling
Because of these new grown feelings for someone I barely know
I wanted him
My heart cooed
My lips smiled against him
Our cheeks brushed like two kites in the sky touching
And eventually falling remaining bonded
The anxiousness of all time is washing away
My depths of grief are going away
My heart is calm and somehow so happy
I barely knew I could be
Imagination can be this beautiful
I didn't know
"the way your eyes cascade surrounding my eyelashes
The way your lips trace mine, softly with tenderness
The way your fingers grace my fingers
The way your breaths become null and you breathe with the help of my lungs
The way my breaths end in your lungs
The way your skin gazes mine
The way your hair settles mine
The way you simply lure into me
The way you simply slip inside my pores
The way I shower in your warmth
The way you sleep in my tears
The way I make you feel alive
And the way you make me feel I am not dead yet
The way I love and the way you love
Is the way the world will admire the most
"I love you
And by all means, I do
By all means I do
Blue
The color of my love is blue
Like the flaring of the ocean waves
Where I can see we are beaming
Where I see we are fluttering by those waves
Where I can see our tears are diluting with the salted water
Where I can see we are floating but never drowning
Where I can see we are breathing fine
Where I can see your dreamy eyes crystal clear
Where I can hear nobody
Where I can hold you
Where I can save you
Where I can save myself
My love is blue
Like the cascading vast sky over us
Where I can see us flying with numerous birds
Where I can see kites deafening us in flying in higher
Where I can see our white wings
Where I can see we are breathing fine
Where you can see my dreamy eyes crystal clear
Where you can hear nobody
Where you can hold me
Where you can save me
Where you can save yourself
Our love is blue
Blue like free
Blue like beautiful
Blue like light
Blue like happy
Blue like Living
There's something in him that just takes my breath away
Is it the eyes that are lined perfectly as if someone applied kohl to the water lines?
Or the glitch his eyes portray sometimes
Or how the thick eyelashes brush with his under-eye bag
Or the ways his eyes flicker like the waves of the angry ocean
Or the tint of blue around his brownish pupils which sometimes flash when he looks carefully at something
Or it was how the eyes used to portray a hell lot of emotions but seemingly it turned blank and cold
Sometimes my heart tinges how his eyes now don't express rather keep a certain boldness
Like a confidence to overcome something horrible going on inside him
Like a myth that is resolving inside him telling him to control
I can't control how my heart aches whenever those eyes fake it
Fake an emotion, fake a feeling, and fake a smile
His lips are always pressed in a thin line
The signature boxy smile is burdened inside to even show up
There is something about him that takes my breath away
"Wine"
The alcohol-laced drunk voice came from behind
Shuddering my self-confidence into pieces
I gathered my whole messy thoughts out to depict his thoughts this time which I always fail eventually
He is a man of secrets
He is a man of mysteries
I breathed heavily to let myself sink into his deep soaring voice
I turned only to be banished with his swollen red eyes
My gut wrenched awfully and it let me drown in darkness and heaviness
His ravened locks covered half of his forehead
My heart will absolutely blast any moment
His hypnotizing eyes met mine
Slipping something inside my head and heart at the same time
Without saying any words
As if he is crystal clear enough for me to see through him
I could understand the emotions in those expressionless eyes
Suffocation
He was suffocated
I looked at the glass of red wine in his fingers
Holding as if he was ready to throw it to tarnish
God, he was addictive
His stares were
I shook my head and wanted him to leave
Leave before I lose my control and inhale his fragrance like a hyena
My lips pressed in a thin line showing my coldness I guess
My eyes softening I know
I know the more he came close and fed me the inevitable thought that this was prohibited
What
Wanting him
Wine
This tasted sweeter than ever!
But was it my imagination being drunk
Rains
Rains always used to resemble me
Thick, cold, fresh, and cooling my every pore
Just as his eyes do to me
My eyes sometimes can't differentiate between rain and him
They both have healing abilities as if their essence are wrapping around me like a blanket keeping me warm inside instead of chilling me
Rains were calm but sometimes painfully sobbing thrashing into my face
When I saw him in the rain
I couldn't decipher which is more beautiful
Rain or he
My tears fell
My heart sobbed the exact way how the rain heavily poured
My guts flipped badly
My skip ripped badly
My heart cried badly
Why is he everywhere
And nowhere all at once
I can still feel his smell on the rain
Earthy and with spiced-up dried leaves
Comforting it was
My eyes sting but the piqued has to pour
My eyes were raining with the rain I was standing under
Rain is he
My radio played the night we met
I have a smartphone but the radio gives me retro vibes always
My room lights were already dimmed
I swayed my wavy hair and swung my body attempting to dance
Loose strands of my hair fall as the air conditioner tuning my body cold
My swollen wet eyes were drying themselves
My crinkled red nose was tuning to normal pale colored
My tired gaze nowhere in particular
Right at that moment when my arms forward themselves
Someone's veiny arms captured my waist tightly as if I was the belonging of that particular someone
I closed my eyes inhaling the earthy and greenery fragrance from that someone and understood it was him
My pores getting active and my heart thundering badly
The smell was cutting my skin inside
Revealing my vulnerability in front of him
He could see through my scars and wounds which are afresh and still bleeding badly
My pained eyes opened themselves gathering courage and saying to myself it is just a dream-like billions itself
But it wasn't
My eyes found his swollen red ones, just like me
Empty with heartaches
My limbs feel weak as I stumbled to gather my already scattered pieces
I couldn't fall apart in front of him
He needs to leave me like this
He needs to make it less painful not more
His grip is firm against my waist as if he owns it
He makes me shutter inside badly
He swings our pressed bodies impatiently
My hands not holding his shoulder
I don't want to believe it
This is too good to be a dream and I will wake up any moment
I gently push him gathering courage
But he came closer when his breath was hitting me
His breath smelt mild vanilla or somewhat hazelnut
My breath hitched when our cheeks brushed and eventually, my heart sank when he buried his face in my shoulder
Uncountable sobs left his mouth
Making my entire existence tear and die ounce by ounce
This was the least I wanted
Muffled breaths and inaudible mumbles were heard making me feel weak on my knees
I shut my almost-screaming mouth to let him cry as much as he wants
What happened?
My radio played it hurts so well
I love how you first looked at me
I love how you felt you saw a reverie
I love how I made you smile
I love how you let me kiss you
I love how you let me entangle with you
I love how you felt so comfortable around me
I love how you have become so familiar to me lately
I love how you have been making me feel lately
I was changing
I hated how you lost your smile while making me smile
I hated how you sacrificed your happiness for me
I hated how you made me feel uncomfortable with your last words
I hated how you said I don't deserve you
I hated how you said you changed
I hated how you said you don't need me anymore
I hated how you said you would leave
I hated it when you left
But
I love you
And by all means, I do
By all means I do
"Do you think leaving was easy?
Leaving you was like the only choice
my breathing situation was getting tarnished by my own hands
Leaving you was miserable
Leaving you was heart wrecking
Leaving you was heart-wrenching
Leaving you grieving
Leaving you was the only name of my destruction
"I want to see you"
Why?
Wasn't I visible to him?
Was he to me?
His words sounded a different painful melody against my ears
The melodies were very new, throbbing, hurting and grieving
Inside my heart
Inside there was a war going on, between ripping apart or holding his ripped pieces
My fingers held his collars tightly and my heavy broken breaths saying him that he could rely on me
He can fall and I was there to hold the tiny bits of him
I would wipe the blood with my own hands
A screeching scream was heard destroying my every emotion of staying stable
His mouth left wrenching whimpers
Cutting me bite my bits
"Why can't I see you"
My heart asked but my breath stopped when his whole
Presence was grinding around myself
His face snuggling on my neck and his finger clutching my waist as if
If he lets go, I would disappear
His heavy sobs left thumping my chest rapidly
Ripping me away brutally
I turned the radio off and sat on the floor with him cradling in my embrace
I couldn't be more grateful he is with me
But couldn't curse more on my luck that he was breaking apart in my arms
My fingers roamed around his hairs
Caressing gently, my lips craved to kiss his sufferings away
But the more he said the more it vanished into thin air
"I love you, but you hurt me now"
I closed my eyes to stop my bawling phase
It makes me want him even more
His sensibility over anything makes me want him even more
Blue and gray
I will never find him again in my arms
My heart said to my brain
My bed sheets shrieked and the pillows scattered around
My eyes brimmed with tears
Salted liquids escaping rapidly from my eyes
My chest burning inside dangerously
My insides ripping apart heinously
Someone just jerked away the pieces and I am not finding the pieces now
Too much exhausted I was to even look at the pieces speared in front of my eyes
My eyes stinging from warm tears falling nonstop
As if someone had just taken my breath away
I closed my eyes tightly holding my chest tightly to ease the pain
Nothing was helping
I needed to stop
My eyes were seeing everything blue when they opened themselves
Then again everything turned gray and hazy
My head was spinning in pain
My limbs got tired and my eyes soon saw everything black
Blue and gray were standing there still inside my heart warily caressing my wounded heart
Black
I saw feeling draped in a black blanket
Hiding my every emotion from the outside world deep inside my guts
My insides shattered but this time the sound wasn't heard
I broke into quiet
I broke in numbness
I broke with feeling no pain
Strange how I stopped feeling anything
But I cried
My eyes brimmed with tears
I cried until there were no tears left
I cried until there was no pain left
Only the emptiness and hollow accompanying me
I wrapped myself in my blanket as I lay down with nothing inside my heart
With no thought
I lay there empty
With blooded scars
My eyes stinging for crying so much
I laughed
I laughed so hard that my insides felt like crashing against each other
I want to leave
"I want to leave"
Yes I want to leave all of him
I want to leave the feelings I still have for him
I want to leave the extreme hurt I am feeling
I want to leave the unconditional passion I have towards him that I can even fight myself for him
I want to leave because I can't have him all by myself shamelessly
I want to leave because I love him even though he is a celebrity
Finding you was tiring
Finding you was hopeless
Finding you was making me lose myself
Finding you was self ruining
Finding you was walking on the death path
But I did find you at the end
Smiling, giggling…like colorful spirals amidst the sky
Like a ray of stars accompanying the moon
Like the rains
But you forgot me
I never forgot you
You were somewhere inside
Twirling with your chuckles and making me smile unknowingly
You were inside residing and singing with my soul
Your faded face was there looking at me lovingly
You were there inside my each tear hiding
You were there in the air
You were in the breaths I inhaled
I just couldn't recognize you
We met again
You let me hold you
You let me float in your arms
You let me fly in your embrace
You let me taste your lips
You let me feel your inner insecurities
You let me bath in your truth
You let me stay with you throughout the night
You let me talk
You let me be silent as well
You let me be mad
You let me hurt and
You let me smile against you
You let me love you
You let me make love
Your eyes search for me, in this Wet season
I am still here, besides the Lake
Waiting for you, with a sky blue umbrella 🌂
I saw you when it started drizzling
When you came and held me
The heavens opened and
Your light glistened on me
Warming the bitter coldness
Clouds in the rainy night
Covering the Glittering Stars
When the Clouds Started wrenching
you held my hands again,
and started singing a greeting
The ripeness of the new Fall.
So, I smile and hear your million tiny things
That I have known for years
Nothing can break our built togetherness
Then I tell you a million little
Reasons that I am not worth your falling
But I just want to be with you, oh
It's such a strange
Thing to do
because all I understand
IAreyou
But you always seem to be
an illusion of mine
_________________________
"I see your smile,
I smile too
I see you cry
I'm crying too
Since you're not here, I've lost my only light
I'm all by myself 9 feet under
I see your eyes
My eyes are shining too
Since your eyes don't search me, no beam in the night
I'm all by myself 9 feet under
Drowning
I see you cry
I'm crying too
Since you are silent, I've lost my only words
I'm all by myself 9 feet under
Drowning
I see you smile
I smile too
Since you left smiling
I'm all quiet now
9 feet under
Drowning
_____________________
I am scared
I am scared that you might never return
I am scared you might forget me
I am scared that you might never forgive me
I am scared that you will fall out of love
But am I scared
I am looking forward to meeting you
I will return to you
I will never forget you
I forgive you already
I will love you more than anything
"Is there nothing we can do now?"
"Is there anything left to do?"
"Was I lacking?"
"Was it my fault?"
Then why this mourning
Then why this grief
Then why this longing
Then why this calmness
Then why this numbness
Your shadows are clouding my existence
Your rough big palms are still caressing my hairs
Your bluish eyes still glistening in heavily deafening tears
Your thick euphonious voice echoing still in my ears
Your breathy voices speaking still loudly in my ears
Your salivate-covered wet lips still were narrowing their path on my forehead
"This is it then"
You said
And I felt the entire existence diluted with a wave of extreme fear
My entire breathing system was knocked out
My hands felt the urge to hold something to be still
My legs trembled to feel the ground against them
My presence was crumbling
My eyes filled up to the brim like a water jar
My lips smiled
My eyes shined the next moment when it landed on yours
I felt you shattering through your eyes in utter quietness
I saw your heart's bone-breaking wails
Heart-wrenching sobs left your mouth
I giggled in between your whimpers
I saw the two of us dying slowly and slowly
I saw us stop breathing the more the seconds went
I saw us leaving this world in each other's solace
I saw us flying far away
I saw us loving in a world where
Loving is right
Where for loving, we don't have to die
You smiled and I laughed holding your hands
Your feathery touches make me feel ticklish
Your goofy cheesy remarks make me laugh
Your lips fell on mine
Our lips collided and
God said
"The world isn't created for this beauty"
Red
Yes, red was the color that replicates him
health, vigor, war, courage, anger, love and religious fervor
Are all symbolized by the red
It ignites passion
The way his eyes flicker darkness and burn
It burns my insides
The way his eyes spread coldness
It burns my insides
The way his lips stop being curvy and look flatly and straightly into someone's eyes
It burns my insides with passion
The passion of allowing each significant behavior to slip inside my pores
The passion of his every act savors my inside thoughts
The passion of seeing him for as long as I can even if I am called shameless
Passion to drink his emotions as it slips from his eyes
The words swallowed me after leaving his lips
I wanted him to burn me to save me
The little innocence burnt down the more time went
Unfair and irreplaceable
Red
the color of my love was red