Javi
Hiraeth's plot of one of the stories she will never be writing about
Sitting on a bench under a shade near a bus station, I was tapping my foot impatiently as I was waiting for someone. Thick black glasses were covering my eyes which were already gazing at a dark view in front of it. Slight raindrops were touching my toes. A gentle breeze was touching my bare arms, giving me a light shiver.
The drizzling sounds became audible when I felt someone enter under the shade while running with long and loud footsteps. My calming heart became slightly anxious. My body responded by being stiff for a moment. Then I heard those footsteps coming towards me from behind. I inhaled the smell of chamomile lotion. I felt my heart tripped a little when that presence stopped moving. The sounds of the footsteps which were coming from behind disappeared. I heard that presence was panting and a click sound which probably came from opening an umbrella.
Then I heard a familiar sound coming from in front of me. It was my dad's sweet voice.
"Honey, I am very sorry, I am late today"
I smiled trying to move my face in the direction from where the sound of my dad was coming. I nodded and he came to me and helped me to get my sticks from my bag. He guided me to walk matching his steps. I did as he did. But he stopped while walking, making me halt my steps.
"What happened, Dad?"
His breathing was normal, I could feel that. I could feel he was staring at something or someone.
"Nothing honey, let's go"
His voice made my racing heart calm.
We entered our car and left for our house. But the question kept roaming in my head. Who was that presence around me?
The next day
I was about to enter the university campus. I felt someone's presence behind me. I halted my steps with my sticks. The footsteps that were coming from behind also stopped. That presence came close to me from behind. I felt my breath hitched when I felt his warm breaths touching my neck. I felt a strange sensation inside me when I smelled that same flavor of lotion that I inhaled the other day; the chamomile. I turned around and heard the presence's moving footsteps. Gradually that footsteps' sound disappeared from my ears' worth. Who is this presence and why am I feeling the presence of everyone around me? Is the presence following me?
I turned around and started walking with the help of my sticks. I may not be able to see but I can hear birds chirping. Student bickering inside the campus, teachers' scolding, etc. The sun rays are falling on my face and giving a burning sensation on my face. Children's crying sounds were audible to my ears which were coming from a park nearby. But my heart doesn't seem to calm after what happened a minute ago.
At the evening
"Oh huh, these nerdy cats and blind ducks will ask us what to do and what not."
The blond-headed boy on the campus blurted while his gang members laughed. These are my biggest bully gang from the campus. Sometimes, blind duck, sometimes nerdy cat, sometimes black beanbag. These types of names are usually given to me. I seriously doubt if they know my real name or not. I felt that blonde-headed boy extend his hands near my face. I felt anxious. But after a while, I didn't feel any of the touches from that blonde-headed boy. His gang also stopped laughing as if everyone got scared of something to even speak. I didn't hear anything more from that guy. Instead, I heard a lot of footsteps rushing in unison which indicated to me that they were going far. But what made them stop? Was it a who?
I kept sitting on a bench until I felt someone sat beside me. I got restless and was about to get up but that same fragrance roamed against my nostrils which was of that presence whom I found on the bus station and the campus. I felt my nerves calming down slowly. I remained sitting. The atmosphere was awkward. So I said something to break the silence
"Umm my name is Aera and you?"
"Aaron"
A short simple one-word reply wasn't expected but the voice seemed deep and husky.
"Umm, are you from my university?"
I randomly asked only to be answered by
"Hmm"
Why are the answers so short? My mind asked myself.
"Umm, can I see your eyes?"
He asked out of the blue. I froze until he removed my shades from my eyes and said
" you have beautiful eyes"
" Is this a new trick of mocking me?"
I asked in disbelief and thought this guy was the same as them.
"No, these eyes are gray. That's unique.
"It was not always like this. The color was dark brown"
"Then why is it gray now?"
"After the accident, it changed color."
"Accident?"
He seemed desperate.
"I wasn't blind from birth. I had an accident at the age of 17. After that incident, I lost my eyesight."
"That's too bad. I am sorry"
He said genuinely sad
"Why are you sorry? I hate when people show sympathy towards me. I hate when people consider me different from them."
"People will consider you different from themselves because you make yourself look different around them."
He stated. I found him genuine.
"What should I do then? Should I go to them and ask them to add me to whatever you guys are doing?" why would they take me to movies or any trips? This will not be benefitted for me also
"You can make other types of friends who would accompany you in the park; you can make those who can read you any book, who can describe a movie gently and slowly. Who can explain what is happening around you, who can take you on rides in bikes etc."
I found him sweet.
"I haven't found this type of friend yet. After being blind, my friends left me saying that they don't make friends with physically unstable and incomplete as a person"
The atmosphere became silent. As he didn't speak further.
"Hey hey, no need to feel bad for me. I am happy being with myself and my dad"
"What about your mom?"
"She left us in that same accident. I survived, she didn't"
It was nice talking with him. Nobody talked with me, sounding so curious.
"By the way, are you a new student here?"
"Just transferred last week."
" umm..I..don't explain to myself how you look. I haven't been explained by anyone"
"Then explain yourself by feeling me"
He sounded so cute
Without hearing my reply, he held my hands in his hands and placed my fingers on his face. My fingers lined his every feature. And my mouth started explaining.
"Your face is an inverted triangle shape and wide forehead you have. And the width tapers going down towards your chin. You have one mono lid and one partial double eyelid. That's very rare. The upper lip of yours is puffy slightly and the lower one is a cupid's bow. You have bread cheeks.
I chuckled hearing my explanation. He remained quiet and let me do what I wanted to do.
I removed my fingers.
"What is your favorite feature of your face?
"my eyes"
I became quiet for a moment.
"Is this another trick of teasing me?"
"He giggled. His giggles sounded like honey to me. Why was it happening to me?"
"Eyes describe our emotions"
I felt that same sensation that I had felt earlier.
I nodded while trying my best to move my face from where the sound of his breath was coming. I was about to say something when my father arrived saying
"Honey, it is time to go home"
His swift footsteps were heard as he was coming towards me. he asked
"Aaron? You didn't leave?
I furrowed my brows.
"Do you guys know each other?"I asked
"Yes, he is my friend's son
My dad stated and I nodded.
"Actually can I take Aera on a ride? I promise. I will drop her home in time.
"Do you want it?"
My dad asked as I nodded slowly with a grin.
Aaron held my hand and was about to drag me somewhere but I halted my steps saying
"Let me get my sticks"
"No need, when you have me, you don't need any sticks for support"
My heart skipped a beat hearing him. How can I get attached to someone so early?
"My glasses?"
I asked to get my glasses to hide my eyes.
"No need, you look beautiful just like that"
Did he just praise me? I felt a slight jump inside my heart.
He helped me to go to his car. We got settled in the car.
"The view is beautiful in front of me"
He said sweetly.
"Really?"
"Hmm the most beautiful view I saw"
"Now come on explain it to me"
"Slightly wavy jet black hairs, baby hair strands are touching your forehead. Crimson red cheeks, one mono lid, and one partial double eyelid in gray. Plump puffy lips.
He just described me. Am I his view? And am I also the most beautiful view in his eyes?
That night was one of the most special nights of my life. He read me books and took me to a movie theater which he created in his living room. And he said when I was about to leave his car that
"Aera, you are different from others, in a special way. Specifically, you are different from me. When I am with you I like myself more."
I am now lying on the bed and thinking about him. He made me feel special. Around him, I felt protected and safe.
"Everything black in front of my eyes but the darkness which was in my heart started fading slowly. Is it because of him?"
A week later
We got close to each other. Not like lovers but as companions, friends, and partners anything you can say. I am not sure of my feelings now. I consider him more than friends but do I love him? I am not sure of my feelings. Anyway, he called me today to meet him at the park. I don't usually get decked up but today I tinted my lips, applied tint on my cheeks, and wore a pink floral dress. It seemed like a date though he didn't say anything like that.
At the park
"Aera, I am getting married next week. I wanted to say this to you for so long"
And my tiny little heart crumpled like a torn piece of paper hearing his excited voice. I realized I was the only one who happened to fall for him who didn't love me. I was frozen for a moment, meanwhile, my heart started bleeding badly. I first experienced the amount of pain that love gave me. Blinking my eyes to prevent me from breaking down in front of him, I nodded trying my best to smile. I was trying my best to show him that I was happy hearing it.
"Will you attend it? It is in 5th June
"um, actually I have an appointment with one of my doctors for the check-up."
In reality, he was getting it on my birthday.
"Why? No please, you have to come. By the way, don't you wanna meet her?"
"Umm actually my head's hurting..so I guess next time. I should go home and rest"
I said and started walking with the help of sticks.
"Hey hey let me help you Aera"
I smiled in response though my heart was tearing up.
"You will not be always with me as my support"
He came from behind but I resisted his help this time and kept walking.
After a while of walking, I sat on a bench nearing by ... and my remaining tears fell down my cheeks. I smiled in between and said to myself
In another life
I would be your girl...…
"Javi"
I heard her calling me after coming from the shower, looking as beautiful as ever. My heart is skipping beats. She is wearing a maroon red dress today, a red turtleneck with baggy jeans, her hair is still wet, dripping on her newly pressed turtleneck. Sometimes I think what if she falls in love with me one day? Is it possible? What is it like to be her lover? I wonder what those eyes look like when they are in love with me.
"Javi, can you drop me off at the event? My next book launch will be there again, my agent just arranged a gathering there by the order of publishers. You know right that one book has to get promoted in many sectors and in many places with the author being present talking about the plots and subplots. So they called the media there to promote it and I want to promote this book by making an appearance. This new book got just one book launch event and the publisher arranged a friendly conversation with me and the media. The Media wants to meet me. "She looked at me with those round bambi eyes, she is pretty. My heart can't take it.
I left the draft papers on her table where she sits and writes every evening. She always lets me read her very first raw drafts
"The event is at the Kimpton Marlowe Hotel. Can you please drop me near the river? I will go by foot to the event."
I went close to her as I kissed her cheeks, a little hue of blush decorated her cheeks, and I beamed. I kissed her forehead. She is so soft, like a cushion
"But you are uncomfortable around the media. Can you handle it? I am sorry for not providing you enough and you had to do this.."
"Uh huh Javi, it's not about helping you financially. It's all about my reactivating self-confidence. Now or then I had to do it. It's the third book of mine and I haven't made any appearance, so my book won't get good recognition. I need to be present there for my books. Besides, the money I am getting is good and we will treat ourselves"
She smiled sweetly, her eyes still cold, with absolutely no emotions. I hope she feels better after doing this.
"Hiraeth I can't come today, I need to meet Nicholas and I need to be in office hours too. I am sorry if I am not there when you need me the most, but call me whenever you want, or keep me on call yeah. I will talk to you to ease it for you."
She nodded and hugged me, I hugged her back, kissing her hair.
"Call me when you leave the hotel, I will pick you up for home yeah"
She nodded and her face moved on my chest. I tightened my grip, feeling an uncertain fear entering my body, but I didn't dwell on it.
She will return to me, she won't meet anyone right, she won't meet Tristan, right? Why does she want to go to the riverside and stay until the program starts?
NEAR THE RIVERSIDE
Standing near the riverside and watching the sunset was always peaceful, here I could think without any guilt pressing me
I think of the time when I was about to resign from my job at that company. My body shivered thinking of it
3 YEARS AGO
Hiraeth
"Hiraeth have you seen the news"
My very own familiar colleague whose job is very much secure came to me running with news I never wanted to hear. I haven't seen Tristan for days now. The company gave me time to stay in their dorm until I acquired a new job, so till then I always come to the office, making the new employee, who was already hired in my position, learn my job, my work. She is a fast learner. I anyway came to pack the rest of the documents and certificates of mine. I came to the office to get a glimpse of Tristan, otherwise, the production company is still offering their junior writer place to me after reading my manuscript.
I miss him, there weren't any phone calls from him and I heard he didn't come to his dorm studio either these days. I long for him. I sighed as the female near me with blond hair switched on the television.
Thump thump thump.
I saw a bunch of policemen dragging the very drunk body of Tristan out of a cheap bar. Behind him, there is a girl, a very familiar girl. Samara was Tristan's first-ever serious girlfriend and she was from an idol group too. The girl was wearing some obscene dress, a pretty tight bodycon dress. The girl seemed to be pretty knocked down too. She was unconscious, but Tristan wasn't. He was very much sleepy, almost on the verge of fainting. My heart pricked. Did he do something he will regret forever? His eyes were rimmed red, his cheeks were smeared with red tints, his collar had stains of maybe hand gripping, his dress shirt was almost hanging loosely, upper buttons were undone. I understood what happened. But the grief my heart is experiencing is so much that I can't breathe properly now. Dread entered my body, he did it right, and he made those mistakes right which I was always fearful of. He lost his control right, he did the thing he will regret forever.
My eyes widened and I felt my stomach getting sucked, all the air from my body was getting out as if someone was sucking it hard. I felt like kneeling and I did. I held my stomach and my chest to ease the pain. I looked at the TV screen again, all the media captured his pictures of this condition. I need to see him, he can't wake up to this. I need to see him. He will be trapped in a huge scam now. Oh god. What should I do? His career. His dreams will get shattered. I need to help him.
I took a cab and went to his house. I saw his cars parked in the garage. The cars I have never sat in. It was forbidden. The policemen were outside on his floor when I reached. I was about to run inside, he might be unconscious, how was he? Did anyone call the doctor? I looked at Yujin as he made way for me inside
"What happened Yujin?"
I asked the man with brown skin and small eyes like those Chinese men.
I asked breathlessly. My eyes wandered around his house, it was our house, nothing had changed, and my portrait with Shiro in the living room was still there. He never removed it. He made a big mistake. How can my heart ever forget this incident? I looked at Yujin and made myself ready to hear it with my ears. I am never ready.
"Tristan started going to these kinda cheap clubs as those high-end clubs' managers knew him, he never wanted to be recognized, he was traumatized by Hiraeth, otherwise he would never do it. Last night he went to this cheap club with a motel attached, they sold drugs and he had consumed some of it, there was Samara too, samara somehow took him to that one motel room and…"
"It's fine, I understand. Can you handle the policemen for the morning, he will report in the evening and bail himself out with the help of his lawyer, and Yujin tells your editors to edit some of my pictures with any random bar guy, make sure every magazine, TV news, social media, cover my this story and make sure to cover Tristan's story by tonight, he won't be able to handle it anyway. His career is at its peak now, more news can't be published, and his image is already tarnished by last night's incident"
I sucked a breath and thought how was I able to stand here and talk this much coldly. I might have died from the pain and this is someone else talking to him. He looked at me with guilt and hesitance
"Yujin, it's alright. Don't tell Tristan ever about it. If he believes the rumors about me and that guy, just let him, yeah"
He nodded and started to leave me and Tristan alone in the house. I never felt this strange in this house. Suddenly the house was suffocating me. I inhaled deeply to calm my breath but failed.
Yujin looked back and said
"He loved you Hiraeth, he wasn't in his right mind. Please remember that."
I nodded without looking at him, I was looking at the closed door which had Tristan behind me. I need to see him
"Call the doctor Yujin, and make him go through every single test, he shouldn't be sick for many days, he has songs to record."
After Yujin left
I sat on the floor, and the commotion outside subsided like background noise.
Please don't cry, please don't cry, please don't cry
I burst into tears, I palmed my mouth to not let him hear any of my sobbing.
I cried my heart out, I screamed my heart out palming my mouth so that he wouldn't hear it
I wiped my tears as much as I could, but it wasn't stopping
I cracked open the door and saw the most beautiful scene. He was embracing my pillow and sleeping as if I was creating a warm cocoon for him. I went near him. I still heard his fragrance, he was still sticking to alcohol and god knows how much drugs he consumed, he should have taken care of his health. My heart was drenched.
I kissed his sweaty forehead from behind and lowered the AC temperature. As if he inhaled my scent, he unconsciously turned and hugged my waist. It is his habit. I smiled as my tears fell. I kissed his cheeks and neck.
I undressed him as I saw the marks littering his body, those nail bites, the smeared lipstick. I kissed his cheeks and fully undressed him from above. I got a wet cloth and wiped his body and those marks, his skin was irritated by those marks, and maybe they would get swollen. They will leave a rash. My heart wasn't responding, there was this buzz and a bucket full of tears, maybe I died. Maybe I am not alive, there is absolutely no feeling inside my body. He was in deep slumber. His arms loosely were wrapped around me as if longed to touch me. I wiped his face, his mouth, his closed eyes. I kissed his forehead multiple times as I slowly tried to wake him up
I ran to the kitchen and made lemonade to cure the hangover and a painkiller for the headache. He was so much in that sleep slumber, that he never recognized me. He just played along. I fed him the medicines as he fell asleep
Not before saying
"Have you seen Hiraeth? I miss her. I want to see her please" he whispered after resting his face on my chest, hugging me
I cried in silence, I never cried this much. I might have died or might be losing my will to live now.
I kissed his forehead a lot of times, gripped him tighter than ever, and cried until it was almost morning. I was also drenched by hugging his sweaty body. I went to the closet and wore his Celine pink hoodie and came back to him. I laid him properly as he cuddled with my pillow. I kissed his cheek one last time covered his upper bare body with the duvet and left
I left everything behind, every single thing…
My heart, my sun-eyed boy, my whole world
PRESENT
I wiped my tears which fell without my knowing. I sighed, inhaling the breeze and admiring the lilac sky over me. I heard someone talking to themselves as if some kind of mumbling.
I turned around and looked at a girl standing in a distance not so far. Her hair was rather short but straight and her face was oval shaped, her eyes sparkling and layers were so thin as those eyes looked a lot like dragon ones, but it wasn't that dangerous, her eyes were wafting gently not dangerous or evil. She had a button nose, she was slender, a little shorter than me. Maybe an inch. Her lips were pretty too, but she was talking and talking to herself, there wasn't anyone other than her and me near the riverside. She might be new, I haven't seen her near this riverside ever.
She looked at me and it felt like she was familiar with me, her stare was comfortable. She was beautiful. Like a glimpse of the moonlight on late night
She came close to me and when I noticed her hands had my book, the latest book that I had launched last year. This is the second time I am launching copies of this book by being personally present. She doesn't know me as I never made an appearance for book purposes. Javi and Nicholas only know each other. Because my books don't have my surname in them Declan or David might not recognize it. She swayed the book in front of me in the air saying
"This book, this book. Have you read it?"
I looked at her, analyzing her expressions. I have read reviews of my books through my fake accounts. I am sure most of the reviews are good, maybe she doesn't like it.
Her expressions are so comical, she is quite funny I guess. But her eyes sometimes lose their lights and then get them back. She might be somehow in between sadness and happiness, between healing and then sinking back into deep darkness. Her aura is light. She makes me feel good suddenly.
"Have you read it?"
She asked, and this time her voice was high-pitched. I have never had a friend ever. Suddenly I want to be friends with this weird girl who hates my books.
I smiled, genuinely. She looked at me with confused eyes as I never answered her question
"Did you not like it?"
I asked, after a decade, I want to be friends with her. I want to make her my friend, but will she run away knowing my past like everyone in the past did?
"I loved it but I hated the ending, I mean why did she have to choose Jason and not Tyler? She loved Tyler until the very end, so why Jason? I mean yeah Jason saved her and all, but isn't love all about risk, she should have stayed with Tyler the night she found Tyler got drugged and laid with another woman. Was she sure he was physically involved or not? Because Tyler would have given her answers. She didn't wait for answers. She just vanished and never contacted Tyler again, she didn't even care about Tyler being okay after she left, this kind of love is rare, people don't fight for any common love, and the love is easily forgotten but in Hira and Tyler's love story, they both fought, even Tyler fought for her and let his contract get frozen. It was difficult for Tyler too. Jason is a good man, you find this kinda man in a decade, but why love the good ones because you feel like they deserve it, why don't the bad guys deserve the love too, yes there will be complications, but the love they share is worth it. I hated the ending. I know Hira was in a very complex situation where she felt she would doubt Tyler now and then but why do always guys like Tyler get to be left to regret for life? Tyler loved Hira, he fought with his entire career, and whether Hira anyway would get a job in a production company or not. Why only one chance? Why not a second chance? This is not fiction, this is life, you won't experience this kind of fire anywhere. Jason was Hira's home, but it wasn't built by two hands, two bodies in love. Tyler and Hira created a home and it was still there, and why only hold Jason because Hira can't love him? The ending said, that Hira finally loved Jason. Wrong. She can never. Jason loves her, and that is so true, his love is pure but are you sure Hira fought for this? You have it in your hands. I know Jason's heart will be broken but Tyler and Hira won't be able to survive it."
She said so much to a stranger, but I felt my heart beating uncontrollably. My eyes were wide as if the brick was slowly falling apart and leaving my chest making it lighter. She saw my shocked eyes and grasped saying
"Oh sorry, did I say it over? You didn't read it, right? Great. Why am I so very sharing? I needed to vent it out"
Friends; I hear different-sounding words every time, my brain can never recognize the tones of this very word.
What is a friend and what is a friendship? For me, a friend is someone who we can just rely on even if we are failing or even if we are falling. As if we are about to fall from a cliff upwards, we still can rely on the tired, helpless, anxious, fearful body in those arms which might be not that strong but it will do. The word friendship is a bond where strings are of trust, not support. The trust to keep each other's words safe, the trust in themselves that for whatever reason I am feeling shivering cold, they will be holding blankets, the trust in ourselves to not let the blanket be short to keep the both of us warm. Friendship is a beautiful bond where we depend on others to keep our horrible secrets, miserable experiences, and creepy inside jokes. Where they depend on us to do the same. Friendship is to create a peaceful environment; I know friends quarrel but these kinda fights never last long until we know this is where we are supposed to be back to lean on the empty shoulder because they are still waiting but maybe looking somewhere else. Friendship is a bond that makes us feel all giddy inside, not because of our romantic feelings, but because friendship costs nothing, friendship doesn't expect romantic feelings, and friendship doesn't demand affection gestures. Friendship is a bond where we are our true selves, where we don't need to prove ourselves just because of a failure or just because of a poor bank account. Friendship isn't complicated like marriage. Friendship is a light, free-spirited, shining spree. Friendship is a memento where we create relationships based on our talking and behavior. This is the truest form of proving ourselves which represents the beauty that is beyond the professional one. It is an opportunity in a case where we express ourselves and impress too.
Whereas a friend is a soldier who wants to represent the bond from one side and expects the other friend to be on the opposite side. Friends don't always represent the meaning of the bond; they merely just put through it because they just need to, not to express themselves but to degrade other people.
I somehow can tell she is different.
I hugged her tightly, my eyes glossed. I felt relief entering into my body, an extreme hope I felt. But dread was my companion for a long time as I felt it again. There were mixed feelings inside. I never thought like this. I lost hope because from the very first I thought Tristan's and mine love was forbidden, it was bound to end, from the very first I lost hopes of giving the risks a chance. From the very first I had doubts about Tristan I never waited that night to wait for him to regain consciousness and let him complete. I had already imagined a life where we wouldn't be together. I had already declared my love life as a failure because I was afraid of it happening. I was paranoid about my love life. Tristan hurt me, but he wasn't conscious. He made a mistake and I can never forgive him for that, but I haven't heard his side. This while I always blamed Tristan for ruining my life. I was the one who did it.
I felt she hugged me back and said
"It's okay you don't need to read this book, it's okay. Everything will be fine"
She was comforting me and I felt so much relief. As if something large just got out of my body, somebody snatched this odd feeling and filled me with hope and relief. Nobody comforted me so easily. I am feeling good after decades.
"Her name is Hiraeth, she is a great writer, I love all her books, I just didn't like the ending of the last one. But she is a good writer, i have never seen her, but I think she is in so much pain to show up, but you know she is going to be in front of the public today, i have also booked a seat there. Don't hate her for my explanation okay? She might be a good woman"
I smiled looking down and pulling myself from the hug, staring at those moon-like eyes
I nodded
"What is your name love?"
"Jaycee, actually I am new here"
I nodded and said
"Well, you can come to me every evening during sunset here to talk to me. I am always here. Will you come?"
She nodded
"I would love to make a friend"
A friend. Heard the word so many days later. It feels different. I never knew people would still think of me as a friend. I nodded and hugged her again
I turned and started leaving seeing the car of the production company come to pick me
She turned around and asked
"Hey I didn't get your name"
I smiled and said
"You will get to know by the evening"
She frowned her brows but nodded anyway saying a loud
"HEY HEY YOU ARE PRETTY YOU KNOW"
I giggled
"I didn't, till now"
Jaycee, maybe one day she will be my best friend. I already love her.