UNTIL I SEE YOU AGAIN
Hiraeth
"Tristan didn't cheat. He was molested, and his skin was touched without his consent. I wasn't there to hold him in his trauma, those memories might have crawled into his skin, the touch was forceful, it was without his consent. I was so into me that I never thought about him, I was selfish enough to leave him that night when he needed me the most, I was so self-centered to only think about me."
I said as calmly as possible, a tear left my eye. I looked at Javi, sitting on the ground beside me, our heads resting on the bedroom door. He asked me about the rest of the story and I told him everything
"I was so into me that I never knew I was hanging your love as if it's just a toy. I shouldn't have let you love me. I should have left you, I shouldn't have taken advantage of your goodness Javi. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do other than stay, I just blindly trusted you, because I thought you wouldn't hurt me, it was my gut. You didn't. But when I was taking care of my heart to not get broken again, I was breaking yours. You are a nice guy Javi. You don't deserve this broken girl, you don't deserve any of me. Everything's ruined inside me. I will marry you if you ask me anytime. But can you stay with me knowing I am just a dysfunctional girl, I overthink more than you imagine. I have trust issues''
"Hiraeth"
his fingers graced mine. His grip tightened on my fingers. Both of our hands were cold.
"Listen to me, stop making decisions on your own. Stop thinking you are on your own. You need someone to take care of you and it is not a shameful thing. You needed shelter, you needed companions and I was there. So what I helped you huh, so what I took care of you. I just did because the moment I saw you I was in love with how shattered you were, there was this sudden massive urge to protect you from everything possibly evil that happened to you. My heart beat in different directions after I saw you, you were smeared in mud, the last string of hope was dying, and I had to save you. So what? I did save you, but that doesn't mean you have to return the favor. You don't love me and you have to tell me straight. Stop giving me hope saying you will try. No, you won't. Stop thinking that you have to try, there is no force, no pressure. You don't, that means you don't. End of the things. We don't jump into any good guy we find right. Yes, I wanted you but by sacrificing your happiness? Never. You assumed Tristan because there was always this fear you had after your brother hurt you, there was something in your heart you always wanted to believe, that people would do bad to you. Not all of them Hiraeth. Believe in humanity, believe in good people. You love Tristan and he loves you too. I wasn't in this picture. I just suddenly showed up…"
"No no Javi, you saved me. You aren't nobody, you have always saved me, you are my messiah, my home. My best friend. My soulmate."
"Hiraeth home is made of two hearts beating together, my heart beats but your heart doesn't beat in the same direction as mine. I wanted to be your lover. God damn it, I fell in love for the first time, that too with a girl I can't have. I won't marry your love. I just wanted to know if you will still come to me thinking you owe me, you don't love. You don't owe me goodness, you don't owe me a wife. Hiraeth you both make a home, that is home where your name is sung, that is home when your smiles cure a person."
A few tears left from Javi's eyes. For the first time in my life, I cried for Javi. This man is the greatest in humanity.
I frowned my brows asking
"How do you know all this Javi?"
He ran inside the bedroom and went outside with two CDs from a CD player
He inserted one CD inside, and outside the CD it was written, KT 2
I felt my breath hitched
The songs started and ended one by one. I was a crying mess by then. Every song was sung by Tristan. How thick and painful his voice sounded. I never listened to his next two albums. I looked at Javi
How can this man love me so much to let me go? How am I supposed to leave him? There is an affectionate bond I created with him, a bond of fondness and so much admiration. I am used to him. I looked at his doe eyes, those fuller thin lips, the mole under them. He is so beautiful. I will miss this man more than I ever have missed anything. I burst into tears thinking about leaving him. He is easily saying he will never marry me.
That man planned a future with me, a life so beautiful. Suddenly saying he would take everything back just for me to understand, I don't owe him, I don't owe him a yes. Maybe in another universe, his wishes will come true, we will fall in love and I will marry him. I will make him smile so much. But tonight, his eyes are blank and emotionless, his heart is brick and filled with stones, and his pain is so much that his muscled body will soon crumple. I look at the clock, it's 3 in the morning, Tristan will leave in 2 hours. I need to go. But how. The man who just taught me a new meaning of life, who rebuked me, who made me understand a simple thing that I never understood. Javi healed everything he didn't break. He saved my heart but I am leaving my savour. The man who left everything just for me.
He looked down and then back at me smiling as fake as ever. He wiped his tears, his tears never made a sound. He cried in silence.
His fingers again laced with me and another hand cupped my cheek and caressed it so softly. I could cry. I embraced him gently laying my head on his chest, hearing his heartbeats, they were as fast as ever.
First love, first love ruins everything, doesn't it?
He then cried loudly, screaming inside. I hugged him tightly until he cried. His body shivered against my whole body, his body jerked and he wailed. His throat might break. I felt my heart beating for him and solely for him. He was so precious, I just couldn't come and leave him alone shattered. How can I be so selfish? He cried wrapped his arms around my waist, lying on my lap, my fingers brushing his hair to calm him down. I kept silent. I can't cry with him. It will weaken his heart. He has to move on from me. This year was heaven for me.
"I love you Javi, I love you so much. Stop crying, love"
"Why isn't your love like me? Why can't you love me"
He cried, whining so pathetically.
"I am sorry"
He pulled out only to touch my forehead with his, his breaths were warm and peaceful and now calm.
"If you need me in any way, if miraculously you want me in anything, in any of your situations, easy, complicated. Just call me, I will be there no matter what. Call me whenever you want to talk, yeah. I will listen to anything, love, don't be pathetic, okay, don't let your traumas affect you now, start a fresh life, heal both of your wounds, and let them be scars. If in any way you possibly want to fall in love again, I am here. I am always here. Take care, love. Let me take you home. This isn't your home."
I closed my eyes looking down.
"I sky you too"