Hiraeth
"Hiraeth, he didn't answer right?"
I looked at Jaycee, Jaycee came to meet me from Boston. She is gonna stay for some days to take care of me. Her moon-like eyes were concerned. I felt warm around her, a familiar care I felt around her. She is my only friend. Heard everything that happened to me. Still stayed with me holding my hands, holding me until I verbally spoke about my trauma.
She is my only family. She was my witness when I got married. Happy days. Currently, I am exhausted from this life, he left for a world tour of concerts. It might take him 6 or 7 months. It's just 1 month since he left. I miss him.
"He may be busy"
I said as I came out of the bathroom. Jaycee was sitting on my bed. Folding maternity clothes for me, as I was too tired to do so, it's just three months and I felt a package of a dozen mangoes stuffed inside my belly telling me to walk. I fucking am feeling heavy. I feel nauseated every second, I feel like I might faint every second. I might puke every second from now on. My stomach feels like churning from the inside. Ugh fuck my life
Besides, Tristan hasn't been answering his phone for like 2 weeks now. I can't.
I miss him. Why wasn't he answering the fucking phone?
"You very well know that busy isn't the word"
I felt a teardrop falling from my cheek as Jaycee came and hugged me
Shush love, I am sorry I didn't mean it like that. I am sorry if I hurt you"
I shook my head as I hugged her. Tristan was on top of the world when I told him I was pregnant. Then what happened suddenly? But I should trust him. He earned the trust. He might be very busy. That's why. My heart isn't convinced. I looked at the picture near my bedside table. Our wedding picture, our smiles against each other, mirroring each other. The best day of my life. I could cry. Our hands were entangled as our forehead. Our eyes were closed, the evening sun basking our faces. My heart still beats like that day. What happened to Tristan?
"I know love. I just miss him. I think I should go to Japan. He is in Japan. Can you come with me? I am worried about him. Whenever I call his new manager, he doesn't answer correctly, he answers with half words and half hiccups.
Let me tell you what it means to be in love with a celebrity. There is a constant fear, a constant worry, a constant insecurity. You get to listen to your husband's rumors about any other celebrity girls, you get to see your husband associating with many female leads, supporting background singers, or hosting any other event. You get to see your husband attending so many occasions, talking with them, socializing with them. See I don't say that it's wrong. No, it isn't. But are the girls or any female celebrity in the industry trustworthy? I got to know that Tristan had to appear with Samara in public venues just for the rumor to settle down. That's why Samara came to Boston with him. But it is his record now. It is his label now. But still, the fear won't subside. I trust him. But I don't trust the industry. I don't trust how it works. I know I sound like I am doubting him. But shouldn't everyone do that a little? I am fuck's sake pregnant. And I want my husband. But he isn't here. He is touring with his work. But I am getting smashed between wanting and not wanting.
There is always a constant buzz in my head. What if he turns out like every other celebrity out there?
"Yeah yeah, I will come with you. Let's leave tomorrow morning, yeah?"
I nodded as we sat.
" You know I miss Javi"
Her eyes raised as she took my expression
"Oh yeah that Javi guy, did he never call you in these 4 years."
I shook my head. I thought he would call me but he didn't. And I lost his number while returning to Tristan. I lost my phone actually, I bought a new phone just after coming here. Her expression was a pity. I sighed
You know sometimes I remember him amidst everything. How his eyes would ask me everything, how round his eyes were, how fond I was of him. I still am. How his arms caged me warmly to save me from myself, from my thoughts. His freckled smiles, and huge wide grins whenever I used to say yes to anything he wanted to do with me. How cruel I was to leave him. The guilt is still fresh inside my flesh. The way his shattering whimpers left my inside to rip apart. The way his words healed me that day. I was suffering so much that I never saw his suffering. I was so bad to him. I was a monster. Sometimes the grief of leaving someone like Javi makes my insides churn. I regret it from the bottom of my heart.
I usually read magazines. A few of them, the person who writes, his wordings were so mature, he talks about daily issues, national issues, international issues. I suddenly remembered in between our conversations 4 years ago, he had said that he also wanted to write love stories.
The name of the magazine is THE Gideons. I have been reading the magazine for years now. Just after it got published. The writers of the magazine are anonymous. Every writer's name is anonymous. I don't after writing so beautifully. Why people don't give any credit to themselves?
My tea table's full of THE Gideons. The images and the ideas of every article are different, as if telling a story, there are also interviews of various artists, but never the name of the interviewer.
I saw Jaycee getting up to make a cup of coffee, trust me, she is getting better. My heart warms at the thought of her beside me. I wouldn't be able to handle it alone. Suddenly getting a friend is exhilarating. It's exciting. It's loving.
I took a magazine from the nightstand. Wiped of the remaining tears
I started reading it. While she makes us coffee.
My baby bump was heavy as I rested my head on the head rail of the bed. This bed was empty for a month now. I miss Tristan. My heart aches.
"October has two birth flowers: the Marigold and Cosmos. Both stems prosper during the summer and fall and have rich legacies in history, gardening, and folk medicine.
The first October birth flower is the Cosmo. When you need to honor a person with an October birthday, a gift inspired by the Cosmos is both meaningful and beautiful.
I read what I thought of Javi. Javi used to tell me about birth flowers. He admires October's birth flowers. He always used to tell me something new. As if he learned something new every day. I was so engrossed in myself that I never asked about his new adventures with learning.
Our television has no cable. That means we can't watch the news. We only watch movies and series here. So yeah it's been years since I know clearly what is happening in the world. But Jaycee might have an idea, if Javi fulfilled his dream then she should know. She is a goddamn journalist. She knows what is happening around here. But she might not, she isn't a journalist in Milan. I am not even sure if Javi is in Milan or not.
Jaycee came to me with piping hot coffee mugs, she landed the tray on the trolley
As I asked
"Jaycee, can you get the information about Javi for me? I mean in what magazine he was working in. Last time I heard he was working in The Muse Cult."
She sipped her coffee from the mug and said
"I had interviewed Nicholas of Muse Cult, but he said after leaving his new job in Milan he left. Left to where I don't know. You know this"
She gestured towards my magazine as she said
"I have been wanting for so many months to talk to the CEO of THE Gideons. It's getting bigger and bigger, the market sales are huge for this magazine. But every writer is anonymous, and their office is god knows where, i have visited the artists who interviewed for them but they said the information was confidential. The owner of this magazine doesn't want to be photographed or interviewed. Every article is one of a kind, such as sea shells, peacocks in the first rain, birth flowers, breeds of dogs, hair colors etc, etc. but not an ounce of information is leaked. Even the sellers of these magazines don't spill their names. I mean that bastard of a man or a woman ( she smiles as she joked) never wants to be credited for this masterpiece. Can you imagine Hiraeth? Just like you. You never really appeared for 2 years and two books."
She said as I was stunned. Why is the magazine published anonymously? Why the man or woman don't come in front? Just like earlier Hiraeth.
"I will go book the tickets for Japan. Yeah?"
I looked at her warm eyes and nodded.
I need to visit him.