Hiraeth
"Jeremy I just need to see him"
He looked startled as I finally yelled. He was trying for atleast 30 minutes to not let me go inside the vanity van where Tristan was resting. I don't know why. I am his wife. I need to see him. I can see him in any condition. Anyway, my baby bump was getting heavier and I was still getting used to it. I was getting tiring. My head was spinning in restlessness.
His expression was serious, fearful. I don't know why he was behaving this strangely. He was always smiling. I frowned my brows
"Hiraeth, let me call him, you wait on the backstage. I will call him. He might be sleeping"
Somehow my heart said this is not yet the truth. I need to see it with my own eyes. Something was off with his tone. Suddenly a thought occurred in my heart but I couldn't get myself to believe it. I trust my husband.
"It's alright. Let me wake him then. He would be surprised. And where is his phone? Why isn't he answering my calls? Even you, you answered with half-broken sentences Jeremy? What is going on?"
He looked defeated, his shoulder sunk as I made my way towards the vanity van. I need to see him. I missed him so much that my heart clenched.
I pushed open the door, tch
I shouldn't have. His eyes landed on mine as his hooded drunk drugged eyes never showed any recognition. There were two girls inside, sitting just right on his lap. I inhaled a sharp deep breath. I felt as if someone just gripped my heart as I stopped. I was Stunned. My gut absolutely burst into pieces. I just kept seeing him rattling his eyelashes in confusion as to remember me. I sucked a breath. Short-skirted girls' hands roamed around his half-naked body, marks loitering around his ribs and abs. I exhaled the earlier breath. I looked at him until he recognized me, the drug powders were scattered around the table near the couch he was sitting in.
I started leaving, my feet walked their own path, and my eyes turned their vision. I wish I never saw that. I wish I never came here. I sucked another breath, trying my best to not cry. My heart was so heavy, I could feel it was being huge and swollen. I can feel my heart getting so shattered into so many pieces, that there won't be any place for my scars will be left. There will be burnt marks and it won't leave. It won't leave. It won't leave.
I walked and walked no matter how many steps I heard from behind me. The image of him pulling his face from the neck of one of the girls. Blanking my head, consuming my mind. My heavy body felt like burning, felt like fainting. But still, I walked inside. I walked backstage. I stopped holding a pillar. I could feel I would faint soon. Soon it will end. My baby won't be born anymore. I will die of this pain. This time my body won't take it. My heart won't take it.
Pain? What was it? I felt a fire gradually dimmed but the acidic burned essence was still present, dissolving into my body, making me want to end it all.
"Hiraeth"
My name wasn't sung. It was just asked. Told. Randomly. Like anyone anywhere.
I turned and asked
"Explain"
I saw everyone looking at me with pitiful glances as I could feel my eyes swelling with big fat tears, ready to fall. I wiped my eyes, which must have been swollen red till now. I don't care
"Can you at least explain?" My throat tightened and I could barely swallow any ait.
I yelled my lungs out, my eyes were warm and my mind fuming. I couldn't decipher the anger as it was getting vanished by grief. tears. Fucking tears. Again
I could feel big fat tears draining out of my orbits as I sat on the floor
"Say something"
I yelled but it sounded like a whisper
His eyes were drugged, barely understanding anything. But regret. A word so big, his entire self would collapse now. He would soon vanish in the pool of regret.
The writers say that regret is greater than gratitude
His eyes looked at me helplessly. I felt disgusted. I got up and stood near him, I held his collar and jerked him
"This is what you were doing? This is why you weren't answering my calls. Millions of it. You could have fucking said it, you bastard. You could have fucking asked for it. Sex it is right. It is all about sex. Now tell me how much you fucked around in two days. You have a fucking wife and kid at home. Aren't you ashamed?"
I screamed in his face. God, I wanted to spit more bitter words. But I couldn't. I love this man. This is the sun-eyed boy I have always been in love with. This is the man, I loved more often than I loved myself. This is the man, I have loved through storms and summer. Through spring and snow. Through day and hurricanes. As I looked at him, I realized this is the man I loved when I was losing myself. This is the man I loved when a particular star eyed boy was making me learn to love myself. I felt my eyes burn.
I sucked a breath as I broke down on his arms, he wrapped his arms around me. His eyes never looked at me. I felt my baby bump brush against his rigid stomach. I screamed my lungs out. I don't know how to decipher the pain, the pain was so much, that it was numbing my entire nervous system.
The drug smell was strong, making me want to puke. I pushed him as I held his collar again. I looked deadpan at his eyes and said. His eyes were bloodshot. He was barely able to stand
"Do whatever the fuck you want. When this baby comes, you will come there for her, you will return for her. This is your child. Don't be a bad father at least."
I yelled as his slender fingers tried to hold my fingers, I slipped. I slipped my arms from him. There wasn't any warmth. This wasn't Tristan. This wasn't the man I loved. This wasn't my world getting tarnished in seconds. His hands tried to hold me, to grab me, to stop me. I pushed him with all my might as I left. I just can't anymore. The heart was getting rock solid and I was seeing it with my own eyes. I can see myself getting so much solid and closing every wall. The love of my life just cheated. I scoffed thinking. Love is a myth. It doesn't happen. It is all a lie. I need to be a responsible mother and never love again.
Leaving the bond of 6 years behind. He won't be my lover again. But he was my husband and the father of my child. I will wait for him. My heart maybe won't now.
I looked at Jeremy looking at me with pity. I sat in the taxi I just called as I told him to go to the airport. I am tired. I saw Tristan running towards the taxi as I looked aside, never looking at him. Betrayal wasn't easy I knew from the start. But this. It just wasn't something to keep me alive anymore.
I palmed my stomach thinking I might have become fat, or ugly. I couldn't give him what he wanted. But I don't hate this child. This is the purest proof of why my heart will always be hurt. Palmed my eyes after I cried. I cried so much. I could feel my body jerking, exhaustion was still getting on my nerves. My inside was churning. I sobbed making loud noises. No no. I realized the incident hit me just now. The reality sinking in. My sun-eyed boy was just a myth. Nothing existed.
The taxi started moving and his image became blurry. I looked back and I saw him running. His entire self was devastated when reality hit him. I wailed as loudly as ever. I rested my head on the window rail as tears fell. I haven't eaten since the morning but my stomach is full. Enough of life. Enough of living in happiness. Nothing is happy about life.