Tristan
She was looking at me as if I was her whole life as if I was replaying every incident that happened to her. This moment it felt like I should keep framed her. The mole on her neck, those heaved-up cheeks, the fire on her eyes, the pale skin glistened with dried tears. She was breathing calmly. Suddenly her phone rang. My heart panicked
She untied her from me as she got up from my lap, suddenly my embrace felt cold and heavy. Suddenly every hope tarnished, it vanished in thin air I couldn't breathe. I felt someone just moved the brick but the bruise was so big, that they couldn't save me. I felt excruciating grief entering my body, in my veins, in my blood.
"Javi. Yes"
I got up, my arms turned cold all over, I felt my breath hitch and stopped. She would leave, right? She would leave again. She will never come back again. I looked at her as she sweetly talked to that man, her voice thinned when she talked to him, her voice extremely gentle as if he needed to be cared for like an infant, he needed to be assured like a newborn.
Her eyes were misty and soft, looking everywhere but me. Maybe she is in love with that man, her eyelashes don't beat desperately, her heartbeat is calming, I can feel it, those inhales and exhales are swift and so peaceful. her hands weren't shaking impatiently, her fingers weren't shaking anymore, and her eyes weren't longing, suddenly her face melted in expression, and I saw a little smile curved against her lips, her mole became more prominent from here. Her expressions are fulfilled. There is no longer the urge for Her to cry, her heart isn't beating extremely fast, and she is feeling safe while talking to that guy. There are no sparks in her eyes, there is no fire in her eyes, she is pretty when she is gentle and she is gentle and calm with that guy, not me.
Why did she come back to me? Maybe to hear me just. Maybe she will leave without hearing from me again. I looked down, there was heaviness inside my head and heart. She will leave and I have to see it again. She won't return now. She is someone else's and I have to accept it.
"Yes, Javi, I am coming now. Don't worry. No no, you don't need to come, my company has given me a car today. Can you believe it, Javi? Yes, you can tell me what Nicholas said to make you this excited. Why are you so happy?"
Her voice is graceful yet sad, full of tinted excitement yet lack of pleasure and genuine happiness yet a kind of incompleteness works for that man, those smiles are different from what she used to give me, maybe she is in love with him.
But those eyes are never smiling, as if something just is not right on her. As if something is empty inside her, like a hole and she can never fill it.
She finally looked at me, the stare was different. She ended the call.
Thump thump thump
She started coming forward, her feet tapped against the floor. I felt hope losing my body.
I breathed heavily as I held her hands and traced with my fingers and finally interlaced with her fingers. I kissed her forehead, she is someone else's Tristan stop. I kissed her cheeks. Stop it. Her other cheek, stop Tristan. Ii leaned against her lips as she closed her eyes. We can never make this mistake, she can't hurt that man. I kissed her forehead, then touched her forehead with mine as we breathed our breaths. She is soft against me, her fingers are soft and warm, and mine are sweaty and cold. I was never the right guy for her. That guy keeps her safe. She will be very happy.
"Go, he is waiting for you. "
I said in my broken voice, no more tears..no more-
A tear fell from my eye, and as I closed my eyes, ragged breathes escaped from my mouth
"It's alright Hiraeth, we needed this closure. You came to see me, that's enough for me. It's alright love. You will be so happy with that man, I am here okay? If you need me for anything, call me anytime, oh my number, I will…I will give it to you, okay, just call me anytime if you guys need anything. If you want to control any public commotion or media ruckus, I will arrange guards for the both of you yeah, I am so proud of you, in these years, I never knew how I could call you, how I could find you, how I would say, I am regretting my decisions, how I would tell you how proud I was, I read your every book. They were so beautiful. You were always the more talented one among us. I knew"
I paused and giggled between my sobbing
"That guy might have known by now, might have known how you breathe, how you smile, how you like to talk, how you like to look, to stare, might have known how this little brain of yours works and how this massive heart works. Might have known your skin and might have known your heart is blue. Might have touched the mole on your neck and might have memorized your scent. Maybe that guy now knows more than me, be with him. He is the right guy. I have gotten information from him, he is an ambitious guy. After his father's death, he is also financially supporting his family, carrying the burden of his family responsibilities and taking care of you. I have seen the way he looks at you as if you are his world. He is a great guy. Be with him. If ever by any chance you want to talk, I am here okay? I will always try to hear you, if you ever need any help regarding anything, just call me, yeah. You are a rare jewel, mesmerizing, you are beautiful, you are breathtaking. I have been hypnotized by you, there was no one, there is no one and there will be no one who has bewitched me more than you. You are the person I am in love with. So much, my heart aches. I wish I could show you. If you are happy then I am good. Now go. He must be waiting for you"
She looked at me controlling her tears
" I haven't told you this, but all my life I have been regretting the decision to keep the career and not you. I regret every path of my life that led to those dreams, those dreams feel like shackles now, and do you know why, because I don't return home to see those glittering eyes, those opened arms, every day I turmoil very hard to just go home to darkness, the house haunts me, I sometimes don't return home. I stopped going to clubs after that night. I never want to see any bar, that addiction cost me you, and I will forever regret not showing you enough that you are my sun. Hiraeth, I am not any sun, you see the sun in me because you see your reflection in my eyes, you see yourself, you are the sun with whom I have fallen in love and this love is standing between the single thread of death and life. I am saying all of this because I am afraid you won't return. You won't look at me anymore, the hopes will die and eventually, I will die too. But before we leave everything to eventually vanish, I want to tell you that I didn't. I never cheated on you. That night nothing happened, I was drunk and drugged, I chanted your name everywhere, to every girl who touched me, to every girl who tried to capture my thoughts, to every girl who wanted to get laid, to every girl who tried to get to me, to every girl initiated. Nothing happened that night. Samara came to me but I pushed her, she tried to force herself on me, and still kept pushing her, I kept pushing her until she threatened me to call the police accusing me of raping her, those marks were left littered around my whole body was out of self-defense, out of pushing her, I said no to every girl. I was drugged but I wasn't blind, the girls weren't you. They were not you. How could I have cheated on you? The reason you believed because you always thought of me as a bad influence, you always doubted, I would choose some other girl, I would share my skin with some other girl, you always was insecure about my morals, of my loyalty, you were blindly paranoid because you thought the celebrity in me will eventually do those things again which I used to do. It is you who differentiates between a celebrity and an ordinary man. It was in your head that every celebrity does bad to their partners, I never wanted anyone other than you after I found you. It was you who thought you couldn't handle celebrity life. It was you who didn't believe in my loyalty, it was you who was doubtful of my lifestyle even after I assured you, I would never leave you. It was you who didn't believe me. You thought celebrity life would make you regret choosing the ordinary as well. You thought my celebrity life would affect your life with me, you thought an idol could never find happiness in one. Why Hiraeth? Why didn't you choose the two of me? Why was it that hard to believe Tarin when you believed Tristan easily? Why didn't you love the celebrity?"
I said and paused and breathed loudly.
My fingers gripped tightly hers. I breathed against her mouth, we were so close, I never noticed she was too close to me, her breaths were hitting my face. Her nose mingled with mine. Suddenly I wanted to kiss her. But I couldn't.
"Why didn't you come searching for me Tristan?"
She asked and showed her round and curious bambi eyes.
"I did, I tried to find you everywhere. The next morning until that night of that museum event, I tried finding you, I turned my world upside down looking for you. You just vanished. Because you thought I cheated, I slept with that girl. Hiraeth your books are filled with me, your details are of me, but you forgot to write my heart. You forgot to open wounds, you forgot to say I wasn't perfect, you forgot to say my heart belonged to you from the moment it saw you. You forgot to put your Tristan. Your books had me in every male character. You describe me as the waves of the ocean, as the colors of the rainbow, as the song of the birds, as the white lilies, but forgot to say, I was on the shore waiting for you until sand clasped on me, you forgot to say, before turning a rainbow color, I was the rain, before the birds sang, I was the sunrise, to say I was the dandelion, not those lilies. You forgot to mention my celebrity life of mine, so why didn't you add my idol self in your books, Hiraeth you had to accept the celebrity life too. You didn't. You left. Now you are leaving again. Just remember don't ever come back again, I will not survive another rejection. If you want to leave. Just leave"
Her hands cupped my cheeks as I looked at her after a lot of turmoil. I felt calm after decades, I finally said everything. I finally confessed. It is up to her if she leaves now.
I closed my eyes again, I couldn't look at those eyes, those eyes were suddenly shining and I couldn't keep an eye on the sun now.
"I am sorry. I am sorry"
She said, her voice cracking. I hugged her, her arms wrapped around my neck as she buried her face on my neck. She was so petite in my arms, she was lighter than ever. I can hold her like this forever. I love her so much. I kissed her forehead. She has to leave Tristan, let her go. She has to leave.
I pulled out from the hug and said
"Now before I do something with you. Just leave. Just leave"
She was silent, nothing ever came out of her mouth. She was leaving, right? Her eyes were suddenly so guilty. I could feel it in my veins.
She started going away, so I turned around. Not wanting to see her leaving. I will never enter this city ever. I won't step into America again. A tear rolled down my cheek as I felt more of them fall.
I won't cry anymore.
She left for good. Even I wanted a closure, a closure where she was against me, her skin against my skin, as I looked into her eyes and said, I am still ready to wait for her even if she says she will come back
"Tristan"
She called my name but I didn't turn
"Yes"
"When are you leaving?"
"5 in the morning tonight. Goodbye Hiraeth"
She didn't reply but I heard a door closing behind me. I knelt. Trying my best to not cry. Big men don't cry.