Javi
1 YEAR AGO
"Uhm you can stay with me, I mean. I have extra space"
I said as gently as ever but she was hastily walking around the house finding her old clothes, she was wearing a pink hoodie, oversized, seemed extremely expensive and out of my afford. Her eyes were restless, wandering everywhere, and her eyelashes fluttered hastily. She was beautiful. She was so anxious
"Uhm you are searching for that hoodie, I washed it. It's in my cupboard"
It's the morning after her all crying in my arms, screaming in my arms, breaking down in my arms. My heart ached to hear her cry last night
"Where is your cupboard"
I looked at her, she was evil. As if never once being shaped to anything, as if an animal left alone to figure out the world, the world was so big for her that she couldn't survive those waves it had, those pathetic storms it had, from cyclones it had.
She looked younger, so much younger, but filled with so many memories, her whole image flashes memories to me. She had everything once, but before she could understand everything was snatched from her, she was alone in this cruelty. I was alone.
I knew how loneliness felt, but she was completely alone, her loneliness was different. Her loneliness is losing hope in everything.
We always call our mom or our brothers, father, and sisters as well if it gets overwhelming but it seems like she doesn't have anything. I have Nicholas. I have known him for years. He is older than me, but never once made me feel like it. He adores me like his own child, like his best friend sometimes. We talk a lot, I mean we have shared every single thing in each other's life. But it seems all her life she was alone, all her life while fulfilling the duty to live she forgot to talk to anyone. All her life, she kept those things inside, those miserable stories caged inside.
All her life, she just survived. She didn't live
Her pain became stone and she doesn't know how to move it.
I ran to show her my closet full of cheap clothes, fake Calvin Klein t-shirts, track pants, and cargo pants. Her fingers found the hoodie, she smelt it immediately.
"Why did you wash it?"
I cupped her cheeks
"Hey hey it okay it's okay"
I looked flabbergasted by her raven eyes, she looked like a wounded animal. Nothing dangerous, but her mind must be in a terrible place. She is destroyed. Her whole self.
"Uhm sorry, the mud almost ruined it, so I had to wash it"
I said softly. She hugged me. I think she needed the hug, I should have given her this hug earlier. I never knew how to comfort girls, I have never had any girlfriends.
I wrapped my arms around her as she rested her head on my chest. I kissed her forehead. Why? Just because
"What is your name?" I whispered to her hairs
"Hiraeth" she whispered back, I almost missed it
Hiraeth, that's a beautiful name. It's like poetry itself
"Stay with me hm? Let me take care of you. You can leave after some days" I said
She nodded, too tired to cry or respond even. We both were tired. She was broken. I had to take care of her. Why this sudden urge to hold this soul close to me forever and cure her? Can I cure her?
PRESENT
I sat on my bed as I heard the door opening. I ran to her. My heart was so rattling inside, it was beating so fast, that I might miss it. I saw her shoulders sunk and exhausted body slowly walking towards me, her eyes on the floor. What happened? I frowned my brows
" Hiraeth? What happened to your love?"
I asked softly as she came forward and hugged me. Nostalgia hits me, as if I have hugged the same girl I met 1 year ago, the vulnerable wounded animal, who doesn't know what to do. That same evil, who can't differentiate between the cruel and good parts of the world. Who is immature and naive but a brat in feelings. Why am I getting scared?
She won't leave me, right?
"I am fine Javi, congratulations on the news," she said pulling away from the embrace
I had proposed to her on the phone, maybe I shouldn't have. I was so happy that out of excitement I did it. I want to marry her but I should have waited for her to reach home first, maybe I gave her the pressure of saying yes now. There is no hurry. We have one week left for Milan. I want to get married in Busan with my mom and brother there and then take her to Milan. But maybe I gave her extreme stress by talking to her on the phone.
"Thank you, love. If you are my lucky charm. See? After I found you, I got this big job. Can you believe it?"
She looked at me, her eyes as always dimmed. As always her face is pale. Maybe Nicholas was right. She will never learn to live again if it's not with the guy.
Her eyes had fondness, but love. There was no ounce of love. I sighed heavily. I kissed her forehead
She smiled, closing her eyes.
"I am sorry for blabbering so many things on the phone. I am sorry if it made you uncomfortable"
"No no Javi, it never can make me uncomfortable, you never can. I trust you"
I felt relieved, she wouldn't leave me. She will stay with me. I felt butterflies fluttering in my stomach. She hugged me again as I pulled her close to me. I hugged her tight. Our heartbeats mingled but they never matched. I think I am trying to change the destiny that is already written
FLASHBACK
"Javi, you never know. Love is something so complete. It's a trial line where people run after what their heart desires. Love makes people selfish. And people don't do it in foolishness, love makes sense in their minds as they do it. She ran away to you but left everything there. I understand you love her. But she doesn't understand this language anymore, she studied it differently once. She is just staying with you because abandonment scares her, she fears being alone, I know she is fond of you, and my God she trusts you. But.."
Nicholas kept saying as I looked outside the coffee shop, this is the place where we regularly meet to hang out. But Nicholas's words are getting on my nerves now
"Javi, no listen to me for once, how long will you try to convince yourself she will give you what you want? Javi sees it like this: her brothers, whom she loved more than her life, once betrayed her and never tried to reach her after she left. She knows for a fact that everyone she comes close to would leave her, she has abandonment issues, she has trust issues, she has been frightened all her life, and the reason she isn't leaving your house is she is terrified of being lonely. She is trying you say, but in love what is a try? If she wanted to, she would. She is immersed in that man, she writes about her love like a maniac. Don't get me wrong Javi, but think about it. Do you think it's normal behavior? She needs happiness and a friend. Not a lover. At Least not now. She needs to vent it all out, her wounds are still bloody and they will remain bloody for a long period and then also she might not be able to love you, loving someone and being loved by someone is different. We all say we need to be loved but we want to end up with the person we love. She will take forever to recover from everything that has happened to her. No new guy can't. Loving you isn't the cure. She needs to love herself first. She is dependent on you and I know you are being selfish to yourself by thinking of her as dependent on love."
I huffed and tried to walk away, why the words are hurting so much
"Javi, maybe she made mistakes and maybe the reason is her too, there wasn't anyone to guide her through life. She learned that herself and hence she doesn't know most of the things, such as healing, she discovered these pains and handled it alone."
I turned around
"You are wrong Nicholas, I saved her life. Of course, she would always choose me. I never wanted to be her friend, I wanted to be her lover who was understanding enough. She is seeing that I am tolerating her every behavior, her every halt in life, her every irritation. I am taking care of her more than anything possible. One day she will see it and love me back. I know what love is and I am in it. She is in it too. She will be fine, I will make sure of that"
"Javi, if you are in love with her, you should just let her go to that guy. I know I don't know the whole story yet, but you didn't know if he cheated or not, you never heard his confession, and Javi, think about that guy. Hiraeth hasn't heard the rest of the album's songs, but you did. His two albums were of her, she was in every song, you know it. You have heard the song sitting with me here at this cafe. His every word was of her, no man can write this beautifully about losing a love so pure. That man loves Hiraeth Javi."
"Nicholas you had said that running to what we desire, I am doing the same"
He looked down on his coffee cup
"Javi, you haven't given a chance to Hiraeth to run to what she desires."
"Where is this going? She came to me"
"No, she didn't, you found her and sheltered her. She never came on her own. She stayed because she was scared of loneliness, all of a sudden your taking care filled her heart with gratitude and she thought she owed you. She doesn't. It was selfless of you. But she felt she had to return the favor of your goodness. And do you know why Javi, she never really received this kind of care from anybody other than you, so she thought you might be different and she has to do the same to you just to return the favor. I am sorry Javi, I am sorry man, you had to fall in love with her. But think about that soul. Suddenly coming out of a bond and again seeing another guy loving her and asking for confirmation. She can't."
A tear fell from my eye
"She can, I will ask her to marry me today and she will say. You will see. It will not be forced. She will happily live with me in Milan."
I turned finally to leave but again turned around to see a very disappointed Nicholas. I don't care. My heart will soon burst out thinking
"Tell me one thing, Nicholas. I just wanted to protect her, to take care of her. Then why did I fall for her? Why did I have to suffer in this situation? Why my love will not be accepted? Why is my love considered third-wheeling? Why is my love so painful? What did I do to experience all this cruelty? Why my love is not countable in the story? Why am I the only one whose heart will break at last?"
A tear fell in Nicholas's eyes.
FLASHBACK ENDED
"Have you thought about it?"
I asked, pulling out of our second hug.
"I-"
"It's alright to take all your time. There is plenty of time left for us to leave"
I looked everywhere but her eyes. I am afraid of Nicholas's words being true
"I am ready, Javi."
She said as I felt my heart stop. I felt so happy. She made me the happiest of all. All those fears plugged into my heart bathed in relief. I looked at her as if her eyes were sincere.
"Are you sure?"
She nodded and said,
"Come here"
I pulled her close again as I hugged her for the third time in a day. I kissed her hair multiple times. A tear of happiness fell from my eye. I wrapped my arms around her waist and hugged her as tightly as ever. But unknowingly tears kept falling. Kept falling as a river fall.
"Let's get married"
I said and swayed our bodies from right to left. An extremely different feeling entered my heart which was dominating happiness. What is it? Guilt?