Hiraeth
I never knew what fame was until I saw it myself. Fame not only gives suffocation and insecurities. But it boosts confidence too.
Here I am standing in front of more than 34 photographers, newspaper reporters, news channel reporters, and cameramen both men and women. I could hear the shattering of the camera lenses, the clicks echoing near my ears, the flashlights almost blinding me. I felt nostalgic. The last time I felt this much excitement, this adrenalin rush infiltrating my veins and this much overwhelmed me when I went to that award show with Tristan. He was there to hold my hand, to calm my racing heart, to calm my shivering. But he isn't here today with me, to share this emptiness when we stand in front of so many people, in front of the public, the eyes of the whole world. This is what Tristan feels like when he stands in front of millions of people clicking his pictures, asking him questions, and flabbergasting him. My insides are howling with a new feeling, I never felt this weird from inside, I don't know what to feel and what to exactly describe what I write. I calmly and blankly looked at the camera lenses and let my pictures get taken. Was the decision to make an appearance wrong?
I am not feeling nervous but there is a hint of fear. This is all new to me. Getting this much attention.
I looked around and found 4 black-uniformed guards coming to escort me inside the auditorium where I would sit on the massive stage, and reporters and journalists would ask me questions. One of the biggest newspaper journalists came to talk to me.
I haven't prepared any speech, my company gave me a briefing on how to answer those questions, but I think I am gonna be raw and honest.
I was escorted to the Marvel floored auditorium and told to sit on the royal wooden couch with fluffy cushions to accompany me. I was silent until now, never noticing too many of the faces around the crowds, never realizing a pair of strong deep desirable eyes staring at me as if I was the only one visible.
I looked down on my lapsed fingers, my palm was sweaty, and my heart was thudding. It always behaves like this when he is near. I looked up only to find a man wearing a black tuxedo, with a mask covering half of his face. The black-masked man kept looking at me with those sun eyes I had memorized. I could recognize him just by looking at the pair of those eyes. I felt my heart stop, his hairs were jelled, and he was looking beautiful, with a Celine couture crop top and a diamond embroidered lace front cut in both the open sides of the tux. His hands were still dainty but veins were supporting his masculinity prominently, he was very beautiful. How can I look at someone else, can I ever describe the details of others like him? Can I ever gaze at someone with so much longing? I need to hold him, it's been so many years, and it is physically painful to not get up and touch him, hold him close to me. my heart is on fire. It's tricking me with so many sparks that I can't control anymore. it's beating double the speed than earlier, as if after decades I have seen him with nothing but love in my heart, I don't remember the hurt, the guilt, the desperation I once felt. I just feel good seeing him, so good that it still pains me more than anything. My eyes are warm, and I will not cry this time. his eyes never left mine. He kept looking at me with those eyes, but the sun was never there, the lights were dimmed, he was pale, there were under-eye bags, his skin was irritated, filled with rashes, and it was dull. His eyes weren't soft on me, it was just wanting, filled with the need to see me as much as he could because he thought I would run away again, I would. I ran away from the hurt.
The host introduced me as I bowed to everyone, especially looking at him. What was he doing here?
Thank god he is here, I missed him. I needed to see him.
"So Ms. Hiraeth, what is your full name?"
A reporter stood up and asked, are there cameras set surrounding me to copy my every expression and capture the reaction?
I have never been the center of attention
"my full name is Hiraeth Stanton"
I said without any hesitation or stuttering. God knows from where I am getting my confidence. I looked at Tristan. He nodded assuring me that I did a good job by telling the truth
A lot of gasps echoed on the large tilted walls
"Are you the daughter of business tycoon Johansson Stanton and the biological sister of Declan Stanton who is currently one of the richest CEOs of that same company your father inherited from him?"
I took a deep breath and nodded saying
"Yes, I am the daughter of business tycoon Johansson Stanton and the biological sister of Declan Stanton and David Stanton. They currently live in New York"
Then another reporter got up and asked
"He was always in the newspapers, interviewing about his family, career, his dream job, his future goals, he never mentioned he has a sister?"
I looked at Tristan, he nodded slowly for me to ease first then answer, I understood his eye gestures. I felt at peace. I felt calm
"I had left my family, Declan Stanton, and David Stanton for some personal conflicts. We still have those conflicts and issues going on. maybe that's why."
I saw the journalist who writes about Declan as well on their newspaper stood up and asked
"Can you say something about if Mr. Declan has thrown you from the heritage of Stanton inheritance and properties?"
I smiled gently and said with a straight face
"I got out of the family, it was completely and utterly my choice to leave the clan and properties as well. I didn't demand any of those inheritances my father had written for me. I had never asked for the information acquired in his will. Declan was never a hindrance between me and those properties my father left for me. When I got out of the house I was totally on my own, earning myself money by doing simple jobs and also studying for my Computer science engineering undergraduate degree at the National University of Seoul. I also did my postgraduate there."
A female journalist got up and I know she is one of the most influential socialites in this regiment, never misses any writer's press conference.
"how come you became a writer then and didn't become a Computer science engineer?"
"I loved writing, so I did a creative writing course from that same university while I was working on my PhD in Computer science."
She again asked
"Where did you take your first job? I mean a full-time job"
I looked at Tristan, he was calm and quiet. People won't recognize him because he was wearing a mask. But I do. His fingers are interlacing with each other, his hands might be sweaty
I inhaled a deep breath and noticed Tristan's eyes were on me again.
"I took my first job in the entertainment company in Seoul. I was a junior content writer and was promoted to a senior content writer for their advertisement section."
Finally, I could see the crooked smile of some journalists. I need to brace myself for the tricky questions
" There was a rumor about you dating an idol of that very company you worked for. Is it true"
Here we go, the bomb fell
I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes only to open my eyes and look at Tristan. His hands were in the air, his palm was flat as if to deny me from answering.
I looked at the journalist
"I was. I was in a relationship with Kim Tristan"
I heard gasps, almost screams echoing around the whole podium
Shocked expressions, and unreadable reactions, all were present there, I could write a book about this conference alone.
"Mr. Kim, never really confirmed it whenever we asked him, he dodged the question regularly. How are you so surely and confidently stating it now?"
I looked at Tristan again and said
"I had hid this for so many years. I was in a relationship with that idol named Kim Tristan once but for a short period, it was a phase for both of us. We were young, immature, and very much not understand how to handle a relationship. Hiding this won't get me anywhere and also exposing it won't get me anywhere. Why hide it when I never regret being in that bond? We hid things which are illegal or wrong, our relationship was wrong for the world, not for us. at least never for me. So what's the point in hiding now? We were immature to hide it anyway for so many years. Everyone dates, so why can't a celebrity date?"
I saw Tristan's eyes brimming with tears but they didn't fall.
"Did you love Mr. Kim?"
I looked at the source of the question. I see Moon's eyes, Jaycee. She is also a journalist. I grinned looking at her, she was smiling at me with extremely unreadable expressions. I felt giddy all over to look at her. I felt comfortable after an hour maybe
"I did. I always did"
I looked at Mr. Kim. The sun-eyed boy of mine looked at me with so much love that his body would burn soon.
"there was another rumor about him getting out of a cheap club with his ex-girlfriend, an idol from another group of Asian countries"
I felt my heart drenched and got wrecked remembering the scene
"Yes there was, but as we know all rumors aren't true, I don't think it was true because it happened before our break up, he was with me that night. it was his cosplayer that night."
I looked back at Tristan. He looked at me with wide eyes. tears finally fell. I wish I could wipe those tears
"it is my humble request for everyone to not cry, it pains my heart"
Everyone looked at me confused except Tristan who wiped his tears with his sleeves. Nobody was crying
"There was also a rumor, that the company was against your relationship and for this reason, you had to leave, again there was a news which stated you lastly cheated on him with another guy, there were pictures too"
"The company was merely stating their rules which we were so ignorant to follow. As we all know, love makes a man blind. We were both blinded. And as far as the concern of my cheating or not. I didn't. it was just a commotion between us which led to break up."
"Are you in any kind of contact with him?"
I looked at him saying
"no"
"Didn't he try to reach you?"
I thought the questions were getting too personal and it was not about the book
"Uhm I think we should focus on the press conference of my new book, I have shared enough of my private life. The rest of it, I want to cage it for myself. Thank you very much"
They awkwardly looked at each other and nodded
I looked at Jayce, her moon eyes were shining as ever. Maybe I am her favorite and she got to see me after so many years. I smiled at her as she grinned back. She is too cute for my heart. She is comfortable to be with, her eyes aren't judging like every other person in this auditorium. She is all smiley and bubbly. I nodded to her as she stood up to ask another question
"why didn't you appear for your first and second book? Why did you appear now"
That's a really good question, needed to explain
"I wanted to do it to cut through my insecurities, to let myself be me for my work at least, I didn't want to sit through my promotions, my books deserve elaborate answers for the readers to understand my point of view. And again, it's a strength booster actually for people like me who weren't comfortable around people. In previous years, incidents happened and I couldn't get myself to move on from my fears, my trauma, and my depression. It isn't over yet, my depression will never be over, but I can control my brain now and these kinds of opportunities give me extreme motivation to get myself busy and not think. Besides the people reading my books, I wanted to meet them and say that I am grateful. And there is another reason, I need money. I am in a financial crisis. Most of the writers must not say it, but I am saying it, these event appearances get me money, I need money."
I think Tristan, who was sitting in the front seat in front of me, came closer to me, his heartbeat echoing in my ears, I could feel his heart drumming. He didn't. He was still sitting there, but suddenly he felt so close as if his fingers graced through my arm and his breath warm on my neck, I felt I shivered. But he wasn't with me, he was sitting in the front seat.
"Do you think the criticism you got for the story is worthy?"
"Of course, every criticism is worthy. If they got time to criticize that means they also created a story with my lines and characters, they fell in love with those characters. They wanted it to end how they wanted it to be, but it didn't and it was unfortunate for them. They felt they were living those characters and scenes. Criticism is great for health. You should try it too"
I heard a quiet giggle. I smiled, but Tristan didn't. He was dead serious.
I looked at him as he got up and started leaving, my heart raced in extreme dread. Was he leaving? Why? Did I do something?
I looked everywhere from the moment he stepped outside, but he wasn't in any corridors, the chandelier in front of us was looking pale suddenly, those lights were snatched by his aura as he left. My heart dulled.
I felt nervous suddenly, my hands became sweaty, and I felt trembling.
I looked at the farthest corner and saw Samara standing there. With dragon eyes as if she was offended. I didn't offend her. How?
I got up from my seat and I gestured to my assigned guards to come along. I started walking on the podium, and the reporters and journalists went wild in shock, I couldn't leave the press conference but I did. I ran outside, before the cameramen, and photographers followed me. I looked at Tristan's back. I needed to hold him.
I saw him walking towards the elevator
He entered the elevator, as I ran with all my might. His eyes widened seeing me running, he tapped the sliding door for it to remain open. I entered and he tapped the 35th floor. I huffed holding my chest. He looked at me with growing eyebrows. I almost lost it. I looked at him. I inhaled deeply as he kept looking at me with those round double eyelids and monoids. I exhaled in relief. I knelt on the wall of the elevator, looking at him. He looked at me with hesitant moves. With fearful glances. I can look at him forever. His gelled hair was ruined, and his eyes were rimmed red, swollen, looking dead as ever. I made grabby hands.
"Come here"
I whispered. He knelt as he collapsed in me wrapping me with his veiny arms, he wasn't muscular, but wasn't slender or soft either, he was strong and built like a rock. A tear fell from my eye, thinking how wrong I was with Javi all these days, there is nothing compared to this touch, the hands roamed around my body as they owned me, with so much authority, with a vast need, with an unconditional desperation, this is nothing like Javi's. After being in his arms for a year and more, I feel like I never felt the slightest with Javi, how wrong it felt, everything with Javi. How right I am feeling in the very man's arms who had hurt me. Javi is peaceful, I love him so much. That love is nothing compared to this one, that love is fondness. But this right here. I wanted Tristan, I still want him. The want is so bad that my body is physically aching. But right here, this is what I always needed. I dreamt of a life with Javi, but I lived with Tristan. I never thought loving the complicated boy would bring me so much peace. I always thought loving the right guy was what should be done. Why? I love the wrong guy and will love him forever. Even if Tristan pushed me away after a few seconds. I will still love him. After meeting his skin, and his extreme ragged breaths as if he can't believe his eyes that I am in his arms, I think I never wanted more or less than this. I will never be able to give Javi what he wants. I pulled out and cupped his face. Attached my forehead with him, as we cried. So much that the elevator walls might have vibrated. The elevator door opened as he tapped the ground floor and again the 35th floor. I giggled against his forehead, his nose was touching mine, his lips inches away. I am selfish, I am bad. But I want this. No matter what people say.
"Idiot, what are you doing"
"I need time to see you"
His tears were still falling, my eyes were still on fire because of the excessive crying, and our sounds were roughed, raw, and broken because of the crying and sobbing. We were wailing as if two fire flames found each other after decades and they can burn away now, none has to wait. My breaths became silent, but his whimpers were still loud, echoing near my ears, as they always would. I have always given him pain. Why does he keep coming back?
I got up on my knees as he hugged me better, caging my entire body in him. I just want to die here. I am sorry Javi. This is the place my heart will always be. I can't
His face was on my neck, we reached the ground floor, and then again we were higher up towards the 35th floor.
His breaths were still. I missed his scent. It is still vanilla and almonds.
I was about to pull away to look into his face. But he said
"Keep holding me, keep holding me, please. Don't vanish…I know you are not real. Keep holding me. Keep holding me"
"No no, I am real, Tristan. See"
I whispered back, we both didn't know why we were whispering
He looked at me with his round wide eyes, his fingers poked my skin. When did he become so miserable? He isn't fine. He is traumatized. He might have hypnotized me a lot of times. What did he do to himself?
The elevator door opened as he carried me bridal style, I giggled, but tears weren't stopping now because he wasn't okay. When I was with another man, he was here vulnerable and miserable
I looked at his wrist when he landed me on a hotel president's suit. I don't care where we are. I saw so many cuts on his wrists. Both of them. What happened to us? Loitered in scars and wounded. Self cut, a process of so many suicide attempts. I looked at him questionably. As he looked at my wrist. He looked at me accusatively. I hugged him resting my head on his chest as we cried our hearts out. He missed me. I can feel it, he missed me with his entire being.
"Hiraeth what have you done? Did you hurt yourself?"
I didn't answer and kept hugging him. I inhaled him and tightened my grip because I wanted it. I know it's selfish. It's worse for me. But I want it.
"Didn't you?"
He became silent. I pulled out, and touched his cheeks, as if not touching him hurt me. It does. I touched his facial features, his nose, his eyes, and his cheeks desperately. He was still the same, a grown man with so many shattering pieces. I never looked back to hold those pieces, I was thinking of my own, to even think my other half was dying. I kissed his forehead, he closed his eyes. I hugged him again. I can't get over it.
"Tristan, my Tristan.." I whispered crying again. I can't stop it now
"Yours only yours…I was never anyone's"
He said with so much sincerity, it fulfilled my heart, my desires, my needs, my hope. I have to be selfish, because what if in another life I don't find him, what if this rare love is lost and never preserved? What if I never find the spark again? Those risks I took and he took will never be worth it if we don't get together at the last
I need to make decisions. I need to make decisions. I can't leave Javi heartbroken. But if I leave Tristan now, this man, this heart of mine will stop beating. I can never love Javi. But I need to hear Tristan's confession.
Right now, I need him to hold me. He was holding me so close to him, that I could hear our heartbeats creating rhythms. Same rhythms
"Hiraeth"
I tightened my grip because my name was still sung. He never forgets to sing my name.
"Why did you leave the conference room, Tristan?"
I asked, looking at him pulling myself from the hug, but his hands were on my waist, he carried me as if I was a feature. He sat me on his lap as he sat on the hotel bed.
"I couldn't hear your suffering Hiraeth. I couldn't hear how many times you needed me and I wasn't there. I couldn't hear you finally speaking about Javi and loving him."
My heart was wrenched. He was scared to hear the final answers because he thought my answers had his rejection. It was up until now. But now after thinking Jaycee's words. I think I should give these risks a chance. This isn't fiction that the girl gets the right guy. I need the wrong guy, the guy who comes with visions of Gideon. I attached my forehead to him as we breathed against each other. We were calm after so many times. We were silent, bathing in each other.
What if there isn't another life? And I keep regretting that I should have heard him. What would be my life if I had said I forgave him? Why settle for less? Why fight all these battles if we don't get the reward? Why love the second time when the first love came back, yes we can never be the same, but we might be more….