Hiraeth
"Javi, what are you doing?"
I asked as he kept looking at the mirror, squinting his eyes, he was wearing a white sweatshirt and army-checkered trousers, and his pout was the largest thing on his body by the way, I bit my lips controlling my laugh. His curious doe eyes were somewhat fearful, his eyes were enlarged so much that stars were fluttering inside. He has been glowing for the past few days. I am trying my best to give him the affection I have in my heart, everything left in my heart is his, it was always his. I just never knew.
"OH GOD"
I laughed as he still was looking at the mirror, I noticed his glasses were in his eyes and within seconds it was in his hands, he was swapping them in seconds
I went to him, and I felt peaceful with him, as if rescued and safe
I stood behind his giant back, how is he so pretty with this much larger body, muscles flexing almost while getting heaved up? He was very handsome and a lot more beautiful in real life, not going to lie. His face is narrated as the sky with stars in it, and his body is the pillar of a skyscraper, he can take burdens on his shoulders, like me. I don't know why he keeps me here with him when I have only hurt him.
"What are you doing my princess"
He scoffed and grasped looking at me with his doe curious eyes, they were so scared. I could cry.
"Why are you calling me princess again Hiraeth? I am a man, of"
I laughed looking down as he turned around coming close to me, there is this habit of Javi that he needs to touch for reassurance that I am still here with him, that I am not any different from him. He is insecure regarding me and I understand him very well.
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer, I could hear his heartbeats and his swift pattern of breathing. His pout wasn't dismissed anyway. His long hair and those baby bangs deck him up and make him pretty. But those long sets of ruffled, unbrushed frizzy hairs are coming in the way of his eyes, I unclasped my ponytail rubber band and took a huge portion of his back hair and made a ponytail, a mini version of mine, as those bangs were somewhat still falling on his eyes, but his ears were free from covering
I always call him princess if I am in a good mood. Nowadays, watching him makes me happy. Like genuine happiness. I long for Tristan every day. But seeing Javi makes my days worth breathing.
"Yes, my princess. Now tell me what happened? Why is this princess sucking?"
"I think I have a blurry vision. You know I bought the glasses for fashionable reasons…"
Before he could continue I laughed loudly.
"What is the word fashionable reasons"
His lips curved as his smile was released within seconds, his bunny teeth peeking now and then, his cheeks puffed up and the mole underneath his lips got more poignant. He was pretty. So pretty.
"Hiraeth you are not helping with the mood here… I think I need to get a powered glass. Am I going blind…OmG"
I pecked his lips while wrapping my arms around his neck. The instant smile I got surpassed the guilt of mine. I am doing injustice with this soul.
"No, never. Stars can't be blind, your eyes are like stars. A little bit of blurriness is fine. If you regularly wear those glasses you will be completely fine and yeah fashionably you look cute also. Now can we cook some dinner"
His face paled from smiling huge as if all the colors drained from his face
Shit, we might be out of groceries. We don't buy that much groceries because we both don't make that much money. His freelancing job salary goes straight to the bank account of his mother which I am fine with. His content writing job doesn't make much money, I know. I am accustomed to less salary, I used to be a junior writer also in an advertising company. And again the start-up company he is working for is also getting lost projects and his salary is getting stuck. My books are selling well, but without any promotions, it isn't going anywhere, the money consistency isn't anywhere, and without any book tours or interviews or public appearances, the books aren't getting any market. This is the struggle we middle-class people handle every day, less groceries or sometimes starving for a particular time of the day. We can't end the months with money in our hands, we can't make any dollars. We barely can eat fancy foods, we barely fill our stomachs. I am content with whatever he gives me, I think I should do something to help him too. Why can't I overcome the fear of the media near me, why have to be ruined
"I think I just want a bowl of spicy ramen, let's go to the convenience store."
His eyes widened and those stars came back, how easy it is to make this man happy. God bless him with everything you are planning for me. Every single thing.
He nodded and ran to get his wallet and to bring a thick shawl for me, he knows I easily catch cold. I smiled as his warm lips landed on my forehead and his cheeks mingled with mine, I felt so peaceful. So homely. His fingers clasped against me as we headed outside. Walking hand in hand making our hungry stomachs fill with cheap foods and loads of love
He walked so manly on the road, that his muscles were pumped up against my arms as I was hugging his arms while walking. He looked everywhere with his raven stern eyes. His eyes weren't done anymore, it was firm emotions, controlled breaths, and a punch of confidence in his heart as he walked like a king. I am so proud of this man. I stared at him until we reached the store. We bought an instant cup of ramen and two boiled eggs with a single drink. We walked outside straight to the riverside to sit on the ground and eat. My heart wasn't beating wildly, there wasn't any spark or fire. It was calm and silent, beating swiftly and slowly.
I sat on his lap as he fed me and himself. I was more than content.
"Hiraeth"
I heard Javi from behind me as his breath hit my nape.
"Yeah"
He took a heavy inhale and said
What did you do when you returned to his house after the attack of paps? Were you angry"
I rested the back of my head on his chest and leaned against him more. I feel needed when I am with him. I covered myself with the shawl I was wearing.
"I was angry, I was so angry, I screamed at him, yelled at him saying why do I have to suffer this, why do I have to be in danger because of him. Why do I have to hear all these rumors on every social media, why there are so many pictures of girls near him, why those girls are also stating they were disappointed in Tristan for choosing me? There were articles about them getting disgusted by Tristan's choices, I got insecure and thought I had something lacking, I was terrified of the media pretty soon after our relationship, he never answered those questions in interviews, and he never cleared my name out of all these scandals and false rumors about me. I told him I would leave him, I can't anymore. He knelt on the ground and broke down crying. I couldn't see him crying. He said sorry and I was still madly in love with him and I went with my sacrifices.
His arms were on my waist as he asked again.
"What were his answers?"
"He said he wasn't capable of my love but still can't live without me, he begged me to stay and I did. I did Javi. If I was with him now, I would still stay, because that man has something controlled on his palms and it was my damn heart. It was his to break and it is still his to break. I know I am sounding selfish, but it is true. I stayed willingly even after he said he couldn't speak of us in the media. It was all to protect me, our distance in airports and suddenly not coming to airports at all, our distance in award shows and suddenly never me appearing on them was needed for me to be safe. I don't know how that made me safe, that made my heart hurt, but I stayed and because he asked me to"
Before he could say anything
"I miss him, Javi. I miss him so much. I haven't seen him for so many days. How is he doing? He was wailing that day, he was miserable, and his sun eyes weren't lightening anymore. I don't know how he is handling it. I know he was at fault. I was at fault too for Javi, I wasn't made strong to be with Tristan because he wasn't only Tristan, he was V, the sensational pop star of that damn country. I was bound with a celebrity and a man who loved me so much, but the celebrity didn't. But my sun-eyed boy did. He always loved me, so much that I could cry. I want to see him, Javi. I miss him Javi"
I sobbed hard
I felt Javi's hands fall from my waist and his silence told me he wasn't ready to hear all these. I am sorry Javi.
"Loving a man and a celebrity was tough, he was two different persons. I couldn't cope with the celebrity life. It is very easy to say that I want to marry Kim Tristan. I wanted to. But I got Vs too. I wasn't ready for the V. We were a burden to each other in the times when cruelty grasped us, we were in love too, Javi. I miss him. How can I live without him"
I was getting over-emotional. I felt dread entering my body, and I outburst my inner feelings. Javi got as I held his wrist to stop turning around. He was looking down. His eyes were glossier. I hurt him again.
"Javi...Don't leave please...please'
I whispered as he interlaced our fingers again, his palm was sweaty. Tristan was more sweaty.
"Let's go home Hiraeth"
I widened my eyes looking at those blank eyes, suddenly losing all its colors.
"Javi, hear me out please, let's just sit…"
"Hiraeth it's not easy alright? You talk about him to me as if I were your friend. I want to be one but I don't at the same time. How can I hear all these? The love words for another man, I am in love with you god damn it. If you want him so much. Just leave, please. Let's just end it"
He said in an extremely cold voice, his demeanor changed so drastically
I felt distress entering my body, another abandonment, another person leaving my life. I felt my entire body collapsing by the weight of thinking and putting too much pressure on the brain. The fear of losing Javi was so much that I felt I would soon fall. I fell on the concrete ground, trying to breathe, but the air wasn't coming to me. My feet were glued to the ground and shaking as ever. It all fell. My world fell down
"No no Javi, you can't leave me. Please please please, you can't leave me. I can't stay alone. I am scared Javi"
I cried like a kid sitting on the concrete ground with a tiny bit of grass.
"Please don't leave me, please don't leave me. I am scared. I am scared of loneliness"
I screamed covering my ears with my palms as the voices in my head were roaring. He is going to leave me, he is going to leave me. My entire body trembled like an earthquake
He knelt immediately, caging me in his arms saying
"Hey hey I am leaving you, I am not. I can never…I am sorry I got angry"
He whispered and kissed my hair and said sweet nothings until I calmed down
"Javi DON'T LEAVE ME PLEASE, PLEASE I AM SO SCARED" My eyes were everywhere but on him. His eyes were scared too, and too much hurt. We were both helpless.
He kissed my forehead multiple times as I buried my face on his neck and inhaled his scent. If I haven't written how he smells. It's green apples. He smells like musk and earthy. My favorite. This is my home. Stop thinking about Tristan Hiraeth. I am so tired
I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he carried me.
"I am never leaving you"
I could hear the bush rustling but never noticed a pair of sun eyes looking at me. I did notice and tears were still falling for him but I grasped Javi's arms tightly and closed my eyes to just not look at those eyes.
I don't know what I am doing. I am just exhausted from life.