Hiraeth
3 YEARS AGO
"The management of the biggest K-pop idol and this
controversial A-list music managers have acquired yet
another US label with the money earned by said boy
but want to keep him under slave contracts.
The best-selling idol has been refusing to
agree to an unfair contract extension so the management
has halted their album recordings and stopped contacting
him. The guy will be watching his offers to be
given to other people until he surrenders. If that doesn't
work expect hate campaigns and more information about
the guy to be leaked to the press."
I read on social media as I felt my heart stopping. They have stopped the procedures of Tristan's album publishing and recordings and every other campaign shoot. They have frozen his career. A few tears fell from my eyes. He wanted to cancel the contract extension from this year but he can't, without a publishing company and producers, he can't publish any song officially. He needs the label.
Tristan did all these just to stay with me, he did everything just to make our bond remain intact. But his career will stop, if he doesn't publish songs, his talent will go all the way down, and his hard work won't matter anyway. He needs company. He needs a team to publish his songs, his next album is already crisp but they stilled his recordings and mv shootings. That's why Tristan is home for a few days, that's why even after smiling at me, those smiles aren't reaching his eyes, the sun eyes aren't lightening like earlier, it is dimmed, that's why whenever I look at him, I can feel his dreams are crushing, singing songs is his passion, his dream, how can I come between his dream.
Currently, he is in the shower. I am lying on the bed. Looking at his last magazine photoshoot, he was on the cover of Forbes. Without a company, they won't officially ask Tristan for magazine shoots like this. It was dreadful to think. His dream was to be on the cover of Times.
I am the hindrance between his dreams and career. I am feeling useless.
I saw Tristan coming out of the shower, looking fresh and crisp. But his entire body was sunken down and his eyes were deep in thought and blank
He looked at me and his eyes softened but the edges were glossier. He was in great distress. How I want to give him all the happiness, but if I give him happiness, I will have to kill my own.
He came forward and I carefully noticed the creases on his forehead, the sunken cheeks, the dull freckles around his cheekbones. He was unbelievably shattered. His career was on hold.
"Come here"
I made grabby hands as he came hovering over me. There was so much love in his eyes, I could die.
Eyes were hooded and desirable but there was this longing. Being a celebrity, he needs success and that's not called selfishness, that's what his work is, being consistent in success and making songs was his only key to it. He needs to obey the company. My heart sank thinking what I am about to do now. I need to do this
I wrapped my arms around his neck, and placed my lips on him, pulling him closer. He kissed me ardently, fervently, and with a lot of sadness in his heart, his heart was heavy. I let him kiss me roughly. Our noses brushed and cheekbones too. He was crying now. Tears fell on my skin, I thought my skin would burn now. But it didn't. The sun can't burn me ever.
My eyes brimmed with tears but didn't fall. I sighed against his lips as we separated our lips. His warm breath hit me.
I looked at his eyes, so much agony. I might die. I closed my eyes when he kissed my neck, sucked my neck, and afterward bit it. I arched my back. But our hearts weren't ready, for anything now, we just needed to hold each other and we did. He embraced me, I swayed our attached bodies, and my hands were on his hair.
"Why didn't you tell me, Tristan"
I whispered as he said
"I didn't want to make you feel guilty"
Finally, the tears fell and I closed my eyes, nodding.
"Tristan, I think we should sit…."
"Don't finish it"
I gripped him close to me, very close to me. My grip was tightening so badly. But I can't help it. My chest was shaking, my entire body would collapse if I didn't hold him like this. I can't I can't.
"Listen to me, Tristan"
"I can't Hiraeth, I can't leave you. It's not the option here in the first place"
His voice was breaking, rouged breaths were escaping through his mouth to my neck where he was burying his face.
"We can't go against the company rules, your album is on hold. In this industry, if one can't go up, then the other one passes and grabs the opportunity. I don't want you to ruin your chances or give someone undeserving. This is your time to shine. To get the success you have always wanted. You have worked hard day and night. Don't go against the rules for me, please. Don't do this for me."
"It's for us. It has always been for us. I am sorry for making you go through all these complications in this industry. I did this for us, I want to repent for the mistakes. The career…I…"
I kissed his forehead smiled and wiped my tears. I wish I could see his face. He was my strongest warrior.
"I know I know…I will go back to the dorm tomorrow Tristan. To get the resignation letter."
He looked at me with wide shocked eyes, his eyes were rimmed red. I wish I could make this grief vanish
There is a brick on both of our chests and we can't remove it. We love but our love isn't loved.
There is this being in love when the whole world is against it.
"Resignation?"
I nodded looking at his guilty eyes
"Tristan, when they froze your contract, I didn't know that. So when they just told me to come and get my resignation letter. I understood. That if you don't agree to the contract rules and sign the contract extension then that means, you agree, you are in a relationship with me and an employee can't date her idol. I am fired"
He looked as if his heart just combust into flames. So destroyed, as if something fell on his body
I sighed because the pain was so much to handle. I could die now. I need to die now, because I won't ever see the sun like hazel eyes now, the boxy smile, the moles on his face, his shine which shines my whole world. These puffed-up cheeks and the deep velvety voice which is laced with love for me. He loves me and I felt loved, even though it was just for a few months. I felt loved
How beautiful it would be if it was fiction, we are crazily in love now, we would have gotten married and still in love, then we would have kids and still crazily in love. There would be no judgmental society, there would be no rules made by the company. There would be no people hating us. Life would be so peaceful.
I never knew love could bring us destruction, complications, and separation. We just merely loved each other without thinking about the world. It would be so beautiful if we remained with each other. We can't fight back now, our hands are tied.
I cupped his cheeks as he lay beside me on the bed, I kept looking at him, he was beautiful. He is beautiful and he will be beautiful even after I go
I wiped his tears from his eyes and leaned to attach my forehead to his. I inhaled his breath.
"Tristan"
"Hmm"
His eyes were unreadable suddenly as if a burden was on his shoulder to even speak or express through his eyes. I have never seen this man this much in pain. I have to leave, it's all because of me. I just ruined his career. If I remain here, I will ruin him completely, then he will love me but won't be happy in love. His mind will always take him to the time where because of choosing me, he didn't choose his dream. His dreams are his first love, not me. I loved him so much, I will always love him. This man is my home but I can't return to him. Maybe that's why my name is Hiraeth.
His tears fell again, I had never seen him cry this much earlier. He used to laugh a lot with Jeremy and the rest of the company staff. He is crying because of me.
"I am gonna leave you tonight. I am shifting to my dorm tonight to pack things. Will you drop me?
He burst into tears, his screams echoing near my ears for decades. As if falling apart like broken bricks. He is beautiful. My sun. my beautiful sun.
While taking care of my sun, maybe the sunflower died. Flowers don't live year after year. They die. The sun remains with all the memories of these dead flowers.
PRESENT
I hugged Javi, crying my heart out, it felt hard to breathe. I inhaled loudly
I knelt in his arms, he kept holding me. But I didn't feel the warmth. I think I am dying of the pain.
Javi kissed my forehead
"The truth is I left him Javi. I left my heart there beating in his chest. I left him dying. I was the one who hurt him. I couldn't even say sorry."
I buried my face on Javi's neck, but there wasn't any warmth. I am sorry Javi.
We lay on his bed and he kept hugging me, I was on top of him as he rested his head on the bed headrail. I can't ever forgive myself.