3 YEARS AGO
Tristan
After I dropped her, the night was longer than ever. I lay on my bed waiting for sleep to come to me, waiting for death to allure me tonight. The brick isn't moving from my chest. Tears are already dried. But I can't move my limbs, they are too numb and heavy to move. My entire body is getting warm by the second.
I heard a ringtone on my phone and moved my hand to take it from the side table of my bed.
"Yujin did you do it?"
I asked cautiously
"Yes Tristan, I talked with the chief about her resignation, they will let her stay in the dorm until she finds a new job because she doesn't have anywhere to go."
I nodded even though he couldn't see me from here. I cut the call before he could even ask how I was. I scoffed. I am dying to be specific.
Notifications started blurring the screen of my phone as I saw pictures of me and Hiraeth near the dorm building in almost every post published in every app. I went to drop her and kiss her until we were breathless because I would never kiss her again. She cried and hugged me as I felt the brick move but only cut through the skin. I was helpless. I saw the message of confirmation from the company that my album procedure could be restarted but I couldn't meet her and there was a special warning that I shouldn't do it the second time.
I opened my cell phone's gallery. And as expected she is shining and glowing in the whole gallery of mine. As if I need to scroll a lot through the gallery to find my one single picture. I opened a video clip of hers. In here, she is trying to scare me by shoving her curled-up palms in front of me and also is making weird scary faces while squealing like a little newborn infant. Her messy hairs were tied up in a half ponytail making my heart fluster in numerous ways. Her weird sounds and my giggles are heard continuously. I am not getting scared instead laughing my heart out seeing her cuteness. My heart can't resist her cuteness. I opened another video clip where she was playing with my fingers while her eyes were almost dozing off because she was sleepy. In this video, my other hand is caressing her hair most specifically untangling her tangles. My chuckles are heard. I clicked a picture where she most probably was painting because her brush strokes were going east and west. Still, my madam wants to try everything new she sees. She is insane but she is mine. I love her pretty much unconditionally. Damn it. I would start crying now. She is crazy. I love my crazy girl. I clicked another video of us shouting Happy New Year on our balcony. My hands are wrapped around her waist back hugging her. her head is resting on my chest. We screamed our hearts out that day. The smile was not leaving our lips. One of the best moments of my life. I clicked another one where she was baking a cake whilst the flour batter was on her face all over…why is she so clumsy...but mine...anyway? Well, my madam cooks well. She bought a perfect cake for my birthday. Let me tell you she had burnt numerous cakes at the beginning. But I love her imperfections now. it's like she has become my habit now. my comfort zone…..my warmth… my home. wherever she is, my home is there only. In another video, she was pleading with me with her puppy eyes to buy her ice cream in winter. We were freezing and madam wanted to have ice cream. She can be an alien also but mine only. In another video, she is saying I love you in tiny. I love her tiny I love yous.
Again tears smeared my face, why can't I stop crying? My chest is tightening. She won't ever say I love you to me. Is love a crime?
I got up and went straight to our closet. She took some of my Celine hoodies. I opened her closet, and most of it was empty, she left some of her scarves and drapes. I pulled out one and inhaled her scent. Her fragrance was dark chocolate. She always used to use that dark chocolate-flavored body wash that I had bought for me but used it. I use one of the almond and vanilla ones. I closed my eyes, inhaling her scent. I opened it afterward only to see a diary. She told me she wanted to be a writer and even let me read her first draft of her first-ever poetry book. She let me read until the poetry was blue, her love was blue. My heart is pierced when I am pulling the diary, the diary is full of writing. I flipped over page after page and I think I did a wrong move to open it.
It was full of letters, starting with dear sun and ending with your sunflower. Why haven't I seen the diary yet? Why was she hiding it from me?
I started reading the first letter with a racing heart
It was the year 2020 when she wrote her first letter to me. We met in the year 2021
Did she love me earlier? I never knew the thing I was thinking her crush would be a hidden love that can shatter me.
6 January, 2020
Dear Sun
You want to know why I started with dear sun. Because you are my sun. a sun that gives the sky color, orange, purple, pink, shades of blue, and shades of rainbows. You are the sun, which spreads fire flames but the world doesn't burn. It just shines and the world shines brighter than ever when you smile.
I kept reading it, every letter there.
I hugged my diary as the first letter itself got me, how can I read the rest of the letters? Her love isn't something to describe. It is limitless. It is crazy. Nobody ever loved me like that.
I cried as hard as I could. My heart just rattled and jerked my whole body.
I got up wiping my tears aggressively as I ran down the stairs only to get a call from Jeremy. He must have heard from Yujin.
"Yes"
"Tristan, are you alright? I am coming to get you. Stay with me tonight. We will go to some club, you will forget her eventually. Trust me"
I never answered him as I cut the call waiting for Jeremy to come and get me. I just need to hug him and express all the grief, my body will soon combust in pain. My body is still shaking.