Tristan
3 years ago
"Yujin, I asked you a hundred times why can't she associate with me?"
I looked at my manager feeling a fucking stone resting inside my ribcage and I can't move because of the heaviness and the grief it was giving. I closed my eyes remembering how her expression paled when I told her to go out of our house, it's her fucking house, she is my girl for fuck's sake, the hurt I saw in her eyes is surely making me bleed from inside, I will soon burst into flames as I was fuming too, too much to be true, my jaw was clenched thinking she was drenched in rain, outside her own house, she must be falling sick within this time. I feel pathetic, the regret not picking her up from the road while she was covered with raindrops, i feel helpless. I feel like screaming and crying my heart out, she is outside and I can't get myself to bring her inside.
"Because Tristan, she isn't an idol, and that doesn't mean I am degrading her, I mean she is not an idol, she doesn't know the cruelty of it. You know, right? You very well know pauperizes follow you wherever you go, and if they see a glimpse of that simple girl, they will follow her wherever she goes, they could even mingle with her activities too, and they will question her every fellow partner she came close to, they will question her colleagues and will get to know she works for us, they will try to clasp the information of her past relationships, her relations with family members, her background. They will eat her raw, Tristan her pictures will be on every website, getting misused as ever, you know how this industry works. We had to throw her outside because I was about to tell her myself to end it. Were you out of your mind when you brought her home? Why did we not pick her up in your car? Because the paparazzi were following you, she was wearing your Celine hoodie at the airport that day. She was wearing a mask, but people can very easily assume that people, paps are already suspicious about Hiraeth. Tristan, do you know who Hiraeth is, what is her real name? Also, your contract with the label can be breached. They could freeze your album promotions and your shows. You are about to be nominated for the Grammy you fucking ass"
I felt my ground crashing against me, I felt my heart sinking deeper and deeper, I never knew I was dragging her down with me. I kept looking down, my jaw was ticking and my heartbeat was counting how much more time Hiraeth would be standing outside.
"She is Hiraeth Stanton, her father, Johnson Stanton, was one of the richest business tycoons of America, her Brother is currently running the business and is also a successful business tycoon, do you know how powerful they are"
My blood boiled as I yelled
"Stop naming that man in front of me, Declan ruined her childhood, even David, I don't wanna hear about the people because of whom she suffered so much. I hate them"
He scoffed
"Tristan those tycoons never liked idols for their families, what if Declan Stanton comes and pacifies his sister, what if due to the reason of running her public image, he harms yours? This isn't fiction. It is the real world and it is dirty, our world is dirty."
A tear fell from my eye as my heart wrecked through the vessels.
"Then what should I do? leave her? tell me Yujin, after being with her, have I ever gone to that filthy club or got drunk over the limit, no. have I ever taken any of the girls from the club for one-night stands? I needed her and I found her, she is treating me from the monsters me. She is saving me from anxiety, depression, and suffering, have I ever trembled on the stage after being with her, just looking at her, calms my mind, she smiles and I feel fucking happiest. I can breathe without overthinking when she is near me, she keeps me at bay, she holds me as if I am her whole world, but she doesn't know she makes me live, she says my eyes spread lights, she doesn't know I reflect her own eyes. I love her damn it, I never regretted anything more than leaving her at that airport. I was about to land back to her, but you stopped me, you stopped me from talking to my girl."
I knelt, heaving my chest up and down. She is standing outside, I might kill myself soon if she falls sick. I got up to run towards her and get her inside
"Tristan, it's your career, you couldn't have landed back in Seoul, your album is doing fantastic on the charts, sellings are much higher than Jeremy's one. You have to give the accepted praise and feedback you got by performing in those shows. You are not ordinary a man to love someone this simply, you can't fall in love in this industry"
I turned, my eyes must be bloodshot, I don't care
"So you are telling me to do what Yujin?"
"Distance yourself, knowingly hurt her, so she leaves on her own, this doesn't have any future. What do you want? Career or your Hiraeth"
I felt my heart stopping, thinking about her leaving me, but I have worked so hard for this success which I am getting.
Yujin came close to me holding my shoulders. I looked at the picture from the corner wall and it was hers, smiling holding Shiro. Shiro, my Pomeranian breed dog. Shiro was in her arms. She held him as if he was her baby, her child, how motherly she looked at him. This was my world. How can I distance myself from Hiraeth? But I can't ruin Hiraeth's life. I can't ruin my life… this will only bring destruction and she is standing outside in the cold, how cruel I was to her.
I felt like dying a little bit more.
I nodded and asked Yujin to leave so Hiraeth could come inside. She ran inside, but her eyes were dim, I could feel the bricking inside my chest moving, cutting through me. She was drenched in dread and cold. Her eyes were terrified, hurt and raw tears were almost falling. I ran to hold her but she walked past me to our bathroom. I felt like abandoning her wasn't an option here, I would die.
I knocked on the bathroom door because it's been so long she hasn't come out yet. I called her name
"Hiraeth, love open the door"
I said multiple times but she didn't answer. I got scared and distress filled my stomach.
I pushed the bathroom door and my heart felt collapsing seeing her faint body. I ran and carried her wrapping my arms around her hot shivering body, oh god. She was having a high fever. This is all my fault, I am making her sick.
I carried her to our bed and sat with her on my lap, she was shivering, her temple was so warm, she was unconscious, and her heartbeat was beating so slowly.
"Hiraeth, love…hey hey love look it's me"
I embraced her whole wet body and burst into tears. I cried as if the world was ending, I hurt her, I hurt the girl I am in love with. How can I be such a monster, she never deserved me
"Hiraeth, Hiraeth, Hiraeth….please please please get up love"
I whimpered and whispered
She fluttered her eyes as I looked at her, her eyes never had that glow. I felt like dying on the spot, when she looked at me saying
"Tristan You came home, I missed you"
She said in a whisper that I almost missed it
I kissed her forehead, she was burning, I got up with her in my arms, and I laid her down on the bed and went running to gather some clothes. I ran back and saw her sleeping on my pillow, holding it as if she was holding me. I feel so freaking bad. My tears were falling as I entered the room, which had both of our fragrances. I went close to her and changed her clothes. I ran to the kitchen to prepare something for her as I let her eat that not-so-tasty porridge I made and fed the medicine too. I hugged her warm body but then I undressed myself half as I wanted to take the body heat off her. I hugged her again as she slept on my chest cuddling with me not knowing I am the person who hurt her the most and was going to hurt her the most
"Hiraeth"
"Hmm"
She hummed against my chest
"Come with me to the award show, I want to take you"
"You won't be embarrassed by me?" she said with her closed eyes still, her breath was swift, and her body was still very heated.
Why would I be embarrassed? Did my actions prove her right? I am never ashamed of her not embarrassed. I love her, she is my world.
I don't care about the world. I can't leave her and I will try my best to handle the industry which is against us. I need her in my life, she is before my career
"No, why would I be? I love you, you will come with me, right? I am so sorry love"
"It's okay Tristan, next time, tell me you aren't gonna take me with you, then I will not go. It's your career I understand, it's your job. I know it. And yes if you are willing to take me then yes,"
How did I deserve her? Why is she so understanding? I feel so much regret, that my insides are churning.
"I love you so much"
She was too fast asleep to even respond. Her breath lulled me to sleep too.
PRESENT
"Javi stop it"
I heard her giggles as I looked at how that man was making my girl laugh. They were in the park near the river they always come to, the park has kittens roaming around. After coming to know she is in Boston, I can at least see her. Seeing her makes me calm still now, but she isn't mine to call now. That man is very handsome and muscular, his eyes are doe-like, looking at her as if she means the world to him. His veiny arms were swinging her which were wrapped around her waist. She squeezed her eyes as she laughed with her heart out, her skin was dull and pale, and her cheeks weren't blushing either, she wasn't glowing. But she was laughing as if she was laughing in her home. The kittens were near that man's feet which were revolving as Hiraeth's feet were in the air. I always look at how she doesn't get out alone, always with Javi. She might feel safe with him and only him. She didn't have any friends back then when she was with me, Javi feels like he is her friend and lover. My heart started beating so fast, as my arms longed to hold her, my eyes got tired of seeing her with this man, and my heart couldn't take this pain.
Defeat, my Defeat, my solitude and my aloofness;
You are dearer to me than a thousand triumphs,
And sweeter to my heart than all world glory.
Defeat, my Defeat, my self-knowledge and my defiance,
Through you, I know that I am yet young and swift of foot
And not to be trapped by withering laurels.
And in you, I have found aloneness
And the joy of being shunned and scorned.
Defeat, my Defeat, my shining sword and shield,
In your eyes, I have read
That to be enthroned is to be enslaved,
And to be understood is to be leveled down,
And to be grasped is but to reach one's fullness
And like a ripe fruit to fall and be consumed.
Defeat, my Defeat, my bold companion,
You shall hear my songs and my cries and my silences,
And none but you shall speak to me of the beating of wings,
And urging of seas,
And of mountains that burn in the night,
And you alone shall climb my steep and rocky soul.
Defeat, my Defeat, my deathless courage,
You and I shall laugh together with the storm,
And together we shall dig graves for all that die in us,
And we shall stand in the sun with a will,
And we shall be dangerous.
-Kahlil Gibran