3 YEARS AGO
Hiraeth
"Yes sir, I understand sir"
I looked down taking a deep breath to not let my tears fall. I was in the chief executive's office standing in front of my senior who was finalizing my work.
"Hiraeth you are a mature girl, this wasn't accepted by you. Following our former idol, we aren't allowed to get involved with celebrities, and especially with our LABEL, we will soon get thrown out. You do not fall in love with your idols. Is that a difficult rule to follow"
I breathed and breathed looking down. Tristan said he would talk to him and even convince our management. He might have forgotten. He won't do this to me intentionally.
He must have been disturbed by something, otherwise, he wouldn't have left me at the airport. He might have had social anxiety and feared that those reporters hurt me. Yeah, maybe something like that happened. I kept saying to myself until I believed it. Because my eyes were still getting flashbacks of our hands spinning the other way, how his eyes felt so distant and strange. How his stares were stern but never on me. Suddenly what happened?
My brain will burst out thinking how he left me to handle all these inconveniences alone.
My heart will soon crash down completely thinking about those firm blank eyes, never looking at me with emotions. I feel my feet are trembling. I nodded to my chief as I got out of my office, only to get drenched in heavy rain.
He didn't even call me once after reaching Paris, the paps told me he reached safely. The paps our LABEL sent. I tried calling him so many times but it wasn't within his reach. It said the phone number was out of reach, my heart clenched every time, but I knew he would return to me the moment he rested his feet in Seoul. I miss him, I haven't seen him for so many days, but I know he must be working so hard on promotions. I need to calm down my racing heart as much as possible. Because he is alright, he might be just too busy to call me. I can't expect so much from a celebrity. He has his own life,
I kept running towards the opposite side of the road for a cab to our apartment. It's been so many days since I last saw him, how would he be? My heartfelt barber cut glass shards picking into my heart. I was about to walk when I saw a car approaching, an oh-so-familiar car approaching. I saw his sun eyes and my heart started bubbling up in relief. He was driving the car and laughing with his iconic boxy smile which lights up my world like anything. He saw me as his sun eyes stuck in me, but he had company beside him, his manager, I know him. I waved at him excitedly to pick me up at our apartment. His eyes were still blank, numb, what happened to my love? I started getting worried. He looked at me as if he could never look away but he did eventually and drove past me. I froze and so did my heart. I took a deep breath, kept breathing, kept breathing Hiraeth. My heart is on hold and it is not releasing its tension and pressure as I felt a crushing pain seeping through me. He must have been in a hurry to reach home, our home. I convinced my heart.
He has to, there is no way he would leave me drenched in rapid rain. I felt tears brimming in my fiery eyes. But I calmed myself as I got myself a taxi. I reached our apartment.
I went upstairs feeling relieved because nobody stopped me as everyone knows I am Tristan's girl. Even the securities. He isn't ashamed of our bond. Is he?
A gut-wrenching seared through me thinking if he was ashamed of me.
I opened the door with my spare key as I reached inside our living room, I inhaled his familiar scent. I need to see him close to me, I need to hold him, only then will I feel peace.
"Hiraeth, what are you doing here?"
I heard an unfamiliar voice, it was his manager's. I looked in his direction and behind him was my sun-eyed boy, I hadn't seen him for so many days, I missed him, I wanted to hold him
"Hiraeth, you were coming to Mrs. Choi, right? The one who lives next door, uh you might have come to the wrong house, I might have left the door open. You were leaving right?"
I felt a brick gushing against my vessels inside as I nodded and kept breathing, I was wet, and I would surely catch a cold. But I can't ruin Tristan's reputation.
I bowed at the manager
"Yes sir, sorry I thought this was the house"
I left the house, his eyes were still unreadable, and the lights were there, but he was uncomfortable to lie, I felt it, but he lied anyway, and now I am outside his house. Suddenly it felt appropriate to say his house, I thought this wasn't my house anymore. The thought killed me an inch. He was wearing his Celine hoodie, he was the global ambassador now, and he was looking so pretty as if daisies were fond of him and sunflowers worshiped him.
He looked serene, his long locks fell on top of his forehead. He was beautiful of a man, that night he wasn't madly in love, he wasn't vulnerable, he wasn't sensitive. That night he was an idol. And sometimes I think I mixed those two personalities. It was scary to see his other personality. But I love him, his softness, his gentle smiles, his moles, his round bambi eyes. I have to consider his two personalities.
I stood outside, shivering in the cold, with drenched clothes until he finished his work. After two hours the manager went away from my sight as I got inside. He came close to me running. I could feel his almond and honey cologne mixing. It was expensive to smell and I didn't like it. I suddenly felt so numb all over, I went to our bathroom which was in our bedroom, and went inside to take a shower. I don't wanna get myself sick again, maybe this time he won't get time to hold me all night.
I kept breathing, I kept breathing as I washed my damped body, washed my wet hair, and felt warm all over. I realized I had a fever. My body kept shivering and turning into a hot mess. My limbs felt weaker, I fell on the cold bathroom floor, screaming my heart out, crying so much that my warm sickness got worse as my body felt completely out of focus, and my vision was getting blurry. I tried my best to keep breathing. I kept breathing. I need to stay alive, these little blows can't weaken me.
PRESENT
"Javi if you cry like this, I won't tell the whole story"
I saw Javi wiping his tears with his sweater paws. Why is he so cute? His nose turned red, his ears were red too. Red all over, just like my love. Loving Tristan wasn't blue. It was red and it bled me. Nobody likes to hear bad things about any situations
His breath came close to my ear as we sat on the patio of our balcony, gentle cold shivering breeze was covering us, but he wrapped a thick bushy cheap material blanket around us when I was telling my story, i was sitting on his lap as he covered his both arms around my waist pulling me more close, there wasn't any distance between us, he tried his very best so that I don't catch a cold. I felt his grip tightening the more I kept telling my story earlier and still the grip hadn't loosened as if he was scared to not hold me. His warm breath was also hiding me from the breeze, it was bone-breaking cold outside, it was almost the time of sunset, and I could feel his baby hairs brushing on my nape. He was so warm, he was so careful for me to not catch a cold. I smiled and turned brushing my face against his face, he squirmed, scrunched his nose, and rested my face on his chest.
His eyes were still glossy, I wasn't crying because these small incidents don't make me cry anymore.
"Why do people fall in love with the wrong people always Javi"
He cupped my face as he kissed my nose slowly, I giggled for the first time in a while saying
"Okay stop pouting, you are not setting the mood here"
He chortled and looked at me with his doe eyes, so many stars were there in those eyes. I could die here.
"I should have fallen in love with these stars in your eyes instead"
He smiled and attached his forehead to me, his freckles could be seen until I closed my eyes feeling peaceful as ever, I will one day fall in love with these stars
"I sky you"
I pulled away looking at him with wide eyes asking what
"What?"
"Why should there be only I love yous. I sky you means in my sky there is still your reflection in clouds, I sky you mean, my love is sky sized, blue with suns setting around and rising around, if there wasn't any sky, the sun wouldn't have found its home, so my love is sky sized and no suns can take the rights of it. I say you should be meant another way too, it should be meant, you are my sky, you are my bundle of galaxies revolving around me, you are my sun and you are my star. I sky you"
I smiled at his quirky remark. I was wrong about the stars, He was my sky. Blue and purple hued.
I kissed his forehead and prayed the sun never rise again.