3 YEARS AGO
Tristan
"You were on television when I first saw you, you were for god's sake bathing in sunlight, sunlight wasn't ceasing from your skin and then I felt you were the sun from whom the lights were reflecting, you know it wasn't like a normal glance, it felt all too familiar to look at you as if I have known you for ages, you didn't feel stranger to me. I always awed how your lips moved to word out things, how your eyes round and so much Bambi looked at things, how serene it felt where your cheeks heaved up and your moles, your lip mole, and your eye moles are so beautiful, how can a person be this beautiful"
I heard her praising me, I was never deserving of her, but here I was ready to kneel when she commanded, I was resting my head on her lap as she braced my hair with her fingers, gently combing them, we were covered with the blanket so thick because she catches cold so easily and I am ready to even sweat for her if it meant she won't be sick again.
Her face was so red, with swollen bitten lips, flushed heaved cheeks, hairs tangled and a complete mess, she had long hairs which had wavy ends. She was beautiful like this, how could I give myself this state of her, totally vulnerable, madly in love? She was wearing my Celine hoodie. She always finds my hoodie and wears it as if she were habituated after our first night here. It's been a month and we have been together for 7 months, this life felt so blissful. I was in heaven whenever I was in her arms, the way her arms grazed against mine to hold, not so tight, not so delicate, just the way she wanted, I smiled crinkling my nose with hers as I got up, making her sit on my lap holding her waist, I love to hold her, I wish I could hold her every time, I wish I could see her every moment. Her eyes are round and so much filled with curiosity and it takes my breath away. I could sit here and let her stare at me as long as she wants.
She was in my black hoodie and nothing underneath, it was our off day, and we were lying lazily in our bed. This one month with her in my house felt so domestic, I can't even describe it. It felt like I married her and I needed to return to my wife every night. I work mostly from home now, because the studio doesn't feel good without her near me.
I try to work as fast as I can to come home to her, she waits for me opening her arms as always, kissing me to exhaustion, and leaves me to take a shower, we eat and sleep after making love, I don't forget to make love with her, there is this fear that we have less time together so we make the best of it, she always glows in that morning, sweaty, bare and madly crazily in love with me, her eyes become so beautiful as if I gave birth to another soul with different pair of eyes, I wake up with the smell of her hairs, peachy and her body smelling of me. Her hands caressed my bare back as I pulled her for a much-needed kiss and then let go of her to freshen up, life is so good with her, my anxieties lessened. She sometimes tells bits and pieces of her past stories, and she breaks down every time she shares them, but I was right there holding her, caging her from her overthinking, I used to gain her attention, and her breath used to calm. She was happier with me, I could see that. I was the happiest person on earth to exist. I loved her so much. I love her so much. My days have become less cruel, she helps me to sleep every night as if she knew from earlier, that I needed human contact to stay put. I feared being lonely
A ringtone disturbed our romantic morning. I frowned and she giggled pushing me.
I picked up the call asking who it was. It was Jeremy. Screaming his lungs out saying
"TRISTAN YOUR FIRST ALBUM IS NUMBER ONE ON BILLBOARD"
I felt myself stopping on my track as I felt her hugging me from behind saying
"Congratulations love"
I cut the call without hearing more cheers from the background.
I looked behind, caging her, caring for her by holding her hips, as tears of happiness fell from my eyes, I kissed her forehead when I pulled her to my front, I hadn't left her yet, I kissed her as she cupped my cheeks kissing me back, I felt I got everything, everything in my arms, my world was kissing me back, I felt famished, full to the brim at the same time. I swayed her body in the air as her laughter echoed in our home, she was my home, and her laughter was. I attached my forehead with her as she wrapped her arms around my neck. I kissed her again, I kissed her until she was breathless.
"I love you so much Hiraeth that it hurts"
"I love you too you idiot, my head is revolving like a globe," she said
We laughed hard as I put her down hugging her, my smile wasn't ending.
2 months later
"Tristan, can I come with you to Paris for the fashion week?"
She asked with her round puppy eyes, how could I say no to her
"Your work?"
I asked we were still hidden from various eyes of our LABEL, but some stares and extra glances were always made to make sure of their doubt, even though I was thinking of making it official. I need to make the CEO understand. But right now my queen wants to go with me
"I finished the project yesterday and I was given 7 days, I have 4 days left"
I kissed her as she was looking for something to wear on the way to the airport. I laughed knowing she knew I wouldn't say no to her.
She pushed me because I always kiss her and she still gets flustered. She was busy looking for appropriate clothes. I pulled her towards my closet as I pulled out one of my Celine shirts. I told her to wear it, her goddamn Venus smile was my gift and I felt breathless. God, I love her so much.
She changed and I couldn't control the urge to hold her, I trapped her between the walls of our closet, she was glowing, and she was beautiful. I kissed her warm forehead, but her face was still flustered whenever I came close to her, she dripped in blush, her eyes brighter than ever. How my heart becomes wild to see her every time.
She was healing I could see that, I am happy I was healing her as she was healing me
That day, I went to the airport, and she was behind me, wearing my hoodie, the media went wild as we were snapped so much that our eyes hurt, we didn't look at each other but we were in decent distance to get suspicious, we wanted the rumors at one point, how the public loved us. That was our biggest mistake. We were young and madly in love, our eyes were the proof of it. My hands itched to hold her in front of everyone but suddenly a dread crept inside me as I looked everywhere but never her. I saw her getting uncomfortable while walking towards our plane, but I didn't stop to check up on her. I thought people would think of us wrong. I didn't want to get captured by her suddenly. My self-consciousness carried away so much suddenly that I couldn't control it. I distanced myself more as she looked at me in disbelief. I didn't want to hear about my choices, what if the media said something bad about my choice after I chose an ordinary girl
My heart clenched thinking so low of her, she was my girl, the clicks of cameras made her uncomfortable so much that she started running towards me to hold my hands, but I didn't hold her hand. I froze there, my anxiety got the best of me, as I thought I couldn't be seen with her, she would ruin my newfound reputation from my album.
We reached the plane but she didn't board with me. She saw how suddenly I didn't need her. I saw how her heart innocent started breaking, but I was so selfish as to not comfort her and depart for Paris. She saw how I looked at the manager to not let her go. Hell, I was so cruel to not even ask her to leave. Her hope-filled eyes started fading into thin air which was already done. I saw her looking at me questionably. I looked everywhere but her. The fear of walking into the Paris fashion week with an ordinary girl from my LABEL wasn't my reputation all about, I needed to be there alone. My heart ached when I saw her looking down as a tear fell from her eyes, her excited nerves severed down and she said
"It's okay you go"
She ran from the back side of the airport
I went to Paris and walked in the fashion week and signed the contract to become the official Global ambassador of Celine. I was on top of the world, while my world was miserable in my house.
PRESENT
I am now watching Hiraeth getting into the restaurant holding that same man's hands whose face was hesitant but his grip on her was firm.
She was still beautiful, so much so that my heart ached. I was here in the restaurant to meet some Hollywood directors for whom I was singing their main song. It was a big opportunity but I didn't feel good. Nowadays I don't feel good about anything. Any work, no success brings me happiness. I saw her eyes, dimmed and looking everywhere but me.
She didn't notice me yet, her grip on that man's hand was so stern, she loved him right. She already moved on right? Her eyes weren't giving in to move-ons. She was pale, faded air. But she looked at that man again behind her as she smiled, the smile was of fondness, and I felt my chest tightening.
It was a big restaurant, and looking at that man's clothes, it didn't feel like he could afford it. But Hiraeth is content with whatever he says, it seems like, she likes him
She looks at him as if that man has a different meaning
"Hiraeth I can't afford this restaurant, let's get back home"
That man said so softly to not let her get embarrassed, but she smiled gently, kissing his forehead. It's Hiraeth's habit, she loves to kiss people's forehead who are her loved ones, that man is her loved one, my heart was bleeding.
"Javi, it's my treat. My book sold well this month. Don't worry Javi"
Javi was his name, she says it with so much meaning in it.
He looked at her just the way I look at her, with so much love that it can't be contained in a single body, his eyes held care and kindness, his eyes were determined, never let her hands and she liked it, I know, she loves when people hold her, she used to love when I held her. Good memories that are bleeding in my eyes but not hers.
I could feel the fear creeping inside my body thinking if the man ever loved me more than me, if ever his love breaks all his boundaries, maybe she will start to see the faults of my love.
Tell me he savors your glory
Does he laugh the way I did?
Is this a part of your story?
One that I had never lived
Maybe one day you'll feel lonely
And in his eyes, you'll get a glimpse
Maybe you'll start slipping slowly
And find me again
When you're out of sight
In my mind
The song rang against my ears as tears fell seeing him getting close to her and kissing her forehead, smiling against her skin, as if he was made to share her skin with his. It was all mine, I lost her. I lost my whole world.