Hiraeth
I remember the period when I was just rescued by Javi. Even if Javi was with me those days, I felt lonely.
Loneliness isn't something to cover up with a new person, we feel lonely when our loved ones aren't surrounding us. Loneliness is a longing for those memories to be relished again, not make new memories, by making new memories, we don't heal from loneliness, we make ourselves busy just to not get it remembered, but loneliness peaks its way out. I feel lonely. There are various types of loneliness I feel.
There is this loneliness when I miss my Maira, how her little cubed fingers used to grace mine, I miss carrying her in my arms, I miss getting those curious round-eyed stares, her eyes were just like her mother's, but her feelings were so innocent, her fondness was so pure, her care was so beautiful, never like her mother. She was my precious kid, I started becoming a mother to her even if I was very young to understand the content, for me, being the mother meant, holding her just so the coldness didn't grace her skin, to covering her so that she doesn't feel that warm from the sun rays, to sway her body just so she could feel the rhythm of our heartbeats and recognize people, to feed just so she could believe she can rely on to someone, to make her learn words, just so she can express her curious eyes verbally, make her sleep in my arms just for her to feel she has a home, she isn't homeless.
I miss Maira, how she used to cling to me, snuggle into me. My friends, Jessica, Rose, and Saira. Everyone knew and they had said they understood, but did they, they were still with their baby sisters weren't they, did anyone understand me? No. I didn't expect my friends to understand it either, I just wanted to make sure I had someone in life who could hear it. Eventually, I was too broken to mend the bonds. They were too bored of me to continue and I was too tired to continue speaking about the same thing again and again.
A few days ago, a kid sat beside me when I was outside my therapist's chamber. She was so little, she came with her mother, I felt I saw Maira in her. I see Maira in every kid, I don't know what will happen to me and I start wailing out of nowhere.
I feel lonely whenever I miss Declan, I miss his warmth. So many people called my home but I would never return to them. I miss his embrace, I miss his care, his eyes were round and curious, just like me, I miss David. I miss his smile, his eyes were again round and innocent, I miss his worry, his protectiveness, I miss the memories.
I miss Saira sometimes, whatever she did was wrong, but I miss her. Why did I have to lose her? I miss Rose, I miss her. I miss her eyes, her laughter filling near my ears, her weird words, her fondness towards me, I miss Jessica, I miss those jet-black eyes, fighting like a warrior in her life, I couldn't keep up with any of them. I miss them.
I am looking at the ceiling and silent tears were falling from my eyes,
I miss Tristan, he may be with someone else now, happy, and content. I miss everyone who was once a part of my life.
In all these days of the week, I just lay there on our bed, I couldn't convince myself to get up and write or do anything. I remember Javi coming in every hour to check on me, if I needed anything or not. But I can't share everything with him, it would hurt him. I need a friend and I don't have any. I don't have any companions. I don't have a single soul who will not be related to my memories and will not be judgemental. I feel so bad, I feel so bad inside. I am silent these days, I don't talk to anyone, not even Javi, I don't answer the phone calls anymore, I don't touch my phone, I don't sleep with Javi, whenever he comes to me, I say I will sleep on the couch but always he sleeps on the couch. We have only one bedroom. I can't get up and talk to Javi, and I know he will get tired of me one day and leave me. I don't look at those starry eyes, never at those love stares. Because I know these days I am hit with my greatest depression and my eyes don't express anything. I am hit with these episodes around a few times a month and Javi patiently waits outside and takes care of me. I couldn't ask for more. But I do. I want those times back, I don't like it here, I like Javi, but I can't get myself to behave anyway here. This isn't me. This isn't me. I left my bits and bits to those people. I don't carry my heart now. I feel pathetic, I feel so petty.
"Hiraeth"
I looked at Javi's starry eyes filled with worry. How did I find him in my life?
"Yeah"
I whispered, never making a move to get up
"Love dinner is ready."
I nodded as he came forward and held my weak body against himself and I leaned on his chest. I don't feel calm at all. I need Tristan.
He fed me while slowly caressing my hair, he kissed my forehead multiple times as I ate half the plate, and he forced me to eat more but I didn't. He laid me on the hard mattress on the bed as I went limp again, again blank, again numb. I feel so bad from inside.
"Javi"
I grasped his wrist and he looked at me with hope, so much hope I could breathe in it.
"Come here"
I pulled him close to me as I hugged him, burying my face in his neck and asking for some solace which was given to me in so much amount that I could stop breathing. I feel for him I know
There is always a tiny tad bit of my heart longing for this man, for this starry-eyed man.
He cradled me on his lap as his hands settled on my waist, his hands roaming around my petite body, no fire ignited in me, but maybe loving him wasn't really about sparkles in my body or heart, it was the warm water shower which we take on a bone wrecking cold winter morning, it's not a firepit, but it's the warm blanket which covers my insides just as securely.
"Will you hear my story?"
I felt him nodding, kissing my cheeks, I felt peace. I smiled against his cheeks after a week of lying here like a corpse. I owe him my story. And I don't want him to read my story from my books or my diaries, I will tell him.
"Will you hold me?" I whispered, wrapping my arms around his neck. I inhaled calmly as I rested my head on his chest, he was peaceful, he was warm, and he was home.
"As long as you need me to, I will hold you, I will hold you till I stop breathing"
I felt my heart stop, it started beating at a pace I never could. This was so new to feel, a sudden rush of calmness entering my body as I closed my again, whispering into his ears
"It all started when I got a job in that LABEL. As a content writer for their advertisement shoots and promotional shoots. There were other groups as well, but I was assigned to work under him, for his promotional ad shoots. It all started when my general love interest was visually in front of me. I was blindly in love with Tristan. I was blindly in love to see we were falling apart."
I said as his grip around me tightened
3 YEARS AGO
We were twin flames, crushed against each other and ignited
fireworks, we were moths with flames surrounding us. We were beautiful
together as if all the evil cast eyes were turned to tarnish if it neared us,
We were happy in love, breathing in love, living in love, healing in love.
"Can I hear it?"
He nodded as I adjusted myself in his lap and put on the
headphones around my ears only to be dived into a lavender maze of his songs. It
was the first song of his first album, crisply made and I was the first to hear
Couldn't be more lucky. He kissed the back of my hair resting his hands
gently on my waist. We were in his studio, he changed a lot, and he rarely went to
that bar, he never got any girls in the practice room. He was all mine, at
least he claimed to be, and I trusted him, trusted him more than myself, it's
It has been 6 months since we have been together. I couldn't be happier. I closed my eyes as
the song continued playing in my ears, it was so beautiful I could cry. His
eyes glossed as I opened my eyes to look at him, he attached his forehead with
me, nosing my cheeks as I smiled with warm red blotchy cheeks, he giggled
seeing me flustered
"Stop it, let me hear it"
I whispered as he kept kissing his way down my throat, he
never outdid himself, he always finds comfort in my neck, he tells my mole
gives him motivation. I couldn't stop my overwhelming desires as I let him suck
on my skin. I felt tingly his words thudded against my ears as it felt honey,
his voice was so smooth in the song and the melody he chose, it was so ear
catching, he bled his way through his songs, his lyrics laced with his
love towards me, he hasn't verbally said he loves me yet, but those eyes guide
differently towards me whenever he sees me, those fire sparks are always
ignited in his eyes whenever he sees me, his sun rays shine my whole world,
for a moment I forgot about my past.
And when will be the right moment
My lips will unconsciously say your name
And love will be laced with it like fire flames
And when will be the right deliberate second
My lips will graze yours as love will be burning us whole
I grasped hearing those lines. My heart stopped and eventually started beating so heavily, so fast, so roughly, I barely stumbled with emotions flying around my stomach. I looked at his eyes as his eyes were stern, sincere, and kind, he was confessing to me, this couldn't get more perfect. He looked as if I didn't reciprocate his feelings, his world would be shattered, he would be ruined, and his eyes have fear, I lined his features with my eyes, I kissed his features with my eyes, and I looked at him deeply memorizing how his face works. He is beautiful. I want to tattoo him in my heart and paint him and paste him, I want to do everything possible for this to be real and never end. I leaned and kissed him with full consent. He should have got his answer
"I love you"
He said against my lips, his breaths ghosting over my lips as he said it
I felt my heart getting wild with everything burning on flames, I felt warm all over, I was swamped as if pushed by a truck and fell over, and my heart was thudding
He kissed me again as if he couldn't get enough of me. He wants me. I could cry
"I love you too, you don't know how many years I longed to tell you this"
I said in between our lips. He is beautiful. The song ended in my ears as he carried me kissing me with full force, capturing my waist, and taking me to the couch in his studio. His warm veiny calloused hands roamed around my body making me shiver. I could feel the headphones fall from my ears as he dragged me to him as if he was granted everything. Indeed.
His eyes sparkled with love. He looked beautiful when he loved me. I was staring at the most beautiful Tristan, his cheeks were flushed with a red tint, and his hair was messy in between my fingers working their way. His smile was wider than ever. His eyes were hooded, dark, and desirable. I could live in this moment, in him. He kissed my cheeks chastely as he kissed my forehead and straight dived into my neck, biting and sucking the area making it marked, he was marking me. Tainting me, writing songs in me. Happiness wasn't even a word for me then, because what I was feeling was nowhere near the mere word happiness. He was making his way through my skin, we were skin to skin within seconds as we let our flames amalgamate, we burnt alive being in each other's arms as if the two Pegasus were in flames, and the rush of adrenaline and extreme want of winning captured their brain and running their way towards the destination to win over the kingdom. We were letting each other see a glimpse of freedom, a taste of the raw sea, an experience of flying higher than ever. we were like two butterflies making love in the sky where people admired, we created each other's new side, and we gave birth to each other's new souls which are intertwined and it sure as hell won't be broken, I called his name millions of times as he responded
"Yes, my darling,"
I discovered new ways of how his body arched its way toward me, how his ragged breaths were drumming against my ears, and how blissful he felt from inside and out. How his fingers were delicate when holding me, how his eyes never left mine, as if clicking pictures of me, to see later. His eyes were so much in love that they started aching me. He was so beautiful when he was loved. God, I could barely see anything because of his lights.
Our eyes were closed, we were intoxicated into each other, we bathed in each other, we colored the other.
He was blue and I was blue.
That's when I heard when our bare feet were tangled on his couch; our sweaty hands were interlaced
"shift with me"
He said in one breath against my cheek as his tired body rested limp against mine, his face was on my neck as I was hugging him back with my whole body
"What?"
I asked frowning my forehead and he eased my forehead creases with his soft kisses. He kissed my lips once more as if he can't live with the burden of not kissing me
"This, this hiding thing, I don't like it. just come stay with me, I don't want to just see you at night only, this seems very inappropriate to me. stay with me so that I can wake up next to you every morning, bath you with love every morning, and sleep while counting stars from my balcony, I can't Hiraeth, we can't date according to the rules of the LABEL, but nobody will know if you stay with me, I can't stay here risking the both of our careers and glancing at you in secret, I want to stare at you shamelessly as you walked around my house, our home. Say yes Hiraeth, I have always dreamt of taking you to see our home, where we will be always together"
I could feel warm tears sliding down my cheeks as I heard his voice laced with so much confidence. How did he gain it, the way he said our home, I started to picture how our home would be. Will he marry me one day? Will we have kids? Oh my Hiraeth
I nodded as his eyes widened so as his smile, I could get a large portion of his boxy smile until I kissed his lips, diving him in pleasure, his eyes were so bright, he was making my entire sky shine as daylight
PRESENT
I could feel Javi swaying our attached bodies as he asked
"What went wrong then?" he whispered.
I tightened my grip saying
"everything"