5 July, 2022
Dear Sun
You know, you are my constant comfort...whenever I am just tired of the world...I think that I need a break but in my break, I always think about you...you are like my meditation...I close my eyes and there you are admiring me delicately while smiling faintly, your skin pressed against mine as my whole self shivers but right at that moment, it feels so warm that I feel as if you are my warm blanket in winter. My fingers ruffle your messy hair as you giggle in your raspy voice making my heart beat uncontrollably faster. Wrapping me softly and caging me inside so that nobody can notice my weakness or my fears...I open my eyes, and here you are smiling just like the way you smiled when my eyes were closed. I embrace you under that warm blanket that was present there covering us and you capture my waist and rub my back to warm me...your warm breaths tickle my skin when you bury your face in the crook of my neck.....my eyes tear up unnoticeably as your fingers intertwined with mine tightly while whispering slowly that
"Sarang"
I smile a little looking down in shyness....my pain which this society is giving me disappears in an instant...my wounds sew on their own and ointment is spread to heal those ripped wounds...
The process of healing starts with you and ends with you...
Yours Sunflower
10 July, 2022
Dear Sun
You know Tristan it fucking rips my heart when you leave me halfway bombarding with the harsh reality....I cry so much...so freaking much that my eyes start burning but I keep quiet. Even though I am currently going through some miserable incidents. I can't express my suffering because it hurts very much to open my wounded heart again to someone.
I may be very selfish but I am sorry..I fell in love with you in real life. I love you as a man. Not like an idol and it also hurts when I see people claiming that they love you so much. I mean they can love you but why does it hurt...why does my heart fear..for something so precious that isn't even mine...
You know....when you fall in love, you become selfish...and I became too
It's just...I mean...you know it's not exactly fear...it's like that she might love you more than me, but..I...do love you ..mo..more...th...than ...her...I mean.. um and it just creeps me out sometimes. That I might not love you as much as she does.....but..less.And it's not exactly jealousy...it's just a weird feeling that...I am l..less...than her... in loving you..you...I mean it just makes me uncomfortable whereas you were never mine. Your heart never belonged to me...you were never in love with me...
"she never loved you more than me....nobody....
Yours Sunflower
16 July, 2022
Dear Sun
It is raining outside. Cold yet thick raindrops are falling on top of my face. As if God is showering my whole surroundings with its goodness. The greenery around me is celebrating the first Rain while dancing while swirling, swaying while giggling, singing while laughing. The atmosphere has become fresh and profound and the air has become more smoothly breathable. The shivering environment is everywhere. Coffee isn't helping me to keep myself warm. Slight goosebumps are all over my arms and feet in this cold weather. My hairs are flying nowhere lightly. A cold wind is hitting my bare face, causing me to close my eyes. The darkness in front of my eyes indicates that my subconscious mind is no longer conscious and is wandering between nothingness and consciousness. My heart isn't memorizing anyone. My heart isn't remembering any existence. Strange isn't it? Earlier whenever I used to close my eyes, the first thing my mind used to see was your smiling face coming purely close to me, so close that my breathing used to dissolve into yours so beautifully that it felt like, there were two bodies but only one soul is breathing and my heart used to recognize your forehead attaching with mine as delicately as possible slowly catching me off guard. Your fingers would intertwine with mine as if some sort of magnetic energy was there in our fingers which were attracting themselves to get attached so securely. Your whispering near my ears was never audible for me to understand but I still used to smile hearing your voice which would take me to another world of happiness. Then I used to open my eyes only to see a vanishing figure flying into thin air going far away from me. Nothing of that sort is happening around me now. Maybe the effect of my lovely imagination is slowly reducing. It is going far away from me the way you used to do. Why not? It's been ten years since my heart accepted reality and came out of my self-created dream of togetherness. But I do not regret my decision to follow my imagination which my heart used to cherish. It is a part of me and will always be a peaceful part of me where you were my first love
Yours Sunflower
20 July, 2022
Dear sun
For me, love is like the after-effects of certain incidents which affect more in comparison to the incident. Like, For a certain place has been burning due to heavy fire flames. The fire flames leave smoke behind them which causes the other areas to become smoky and blurry. The smoke has a strong essence also which remains stiff for a long time even after the fire flames are reduced. On the other hand, love is like fog before the snow falls. It gives shivers down our spine but we can't see it through our eyes. It is invisible to our vision but it affects us more than the snowfall because we feel cold only because of the fog, not the snowfall
The smoke cannot be captured, similarly, I couldn't capture it. The fog gave me immense pleasure but I couldn't get hold of it. The smoke vanished after the firing flames reduced. The fog disappeared when the snow fell on top of me. It's like I entered a new world that was already faded but it was beautiful to feel the fadedness. Seems like the flames were destiny which just decided to fade early and the snowfall which is millions of differences decided to increase.
Yours Sunflower
25 July, 2022
Dear Sun
Today your new song dropped. I swear, I just feel like you are singing almost whispering the melodies near my ears while embracing me from behind as your warm breaths are tickling my tender skin. You are singing to me your new song which you just wrote casually without even planning on writing a new song....I can see just the lyrics written in some papers roughly and you are just giving it your first try singing in your raw voice without any orchestral support.
I can imagine portraying those words to me like making me understand how grateful you are to have me...I can imagine you are making me remember our flashbacks when we used to meet near the lake, talking about little things but giving so much attention to each other's ordinary stories as if we were hearing something which we could cherish...and by singing this song you are fulfilling your promise of cherishing my stories which always used to lead to you...
I am tearing up but it's so precious to me that I can't even express in words how grateful I am to God for creating you as if he created the most beautiful and delicate rose Patel but never gave me to take care of it and that I am also grateful...I hope he never gives this to me. What if I ruin its purity then?
No no, it's not raining at all...it just created a place in my heart that would remain fresh forever.....my wounds never really smiled like this...trust me I am so much broken and you can't even imagine how to gather those wounded pieces but my cuts are smiling...my burnt skin is smiling...my rude self is smiling..my ego is smiling...my trying to be savage attitude is smiling...how could I repay you..huh.....everyone is writing something or something else...what should I write huh to express mine. You know, right? I am very different from them when it comes to you...
Please don't ever tell me the reasons for falling for my eyes...my eyes shined the moment it fell on you...my lips smile the moment it named you...your little tiny things...I know...my heart knows but my lips aren't finding any words...I was always here for you to see me....please don't choose someone ordinary like me. Choose someone whose eyes would shine brighter than mine to see you...I might never shine on you but you are always shining my each pore inside...
Yours sunflower
30 July, 2022
I went to the social media site Tristan..and you know what people are expressing their lives for the song so much..for some it is painful and for some, it is more than delightful...it is breaking them yet healing them at the same time...
I am just silent..reacting to their posts while imagining my eyes falling on yours from afar and our eyes met while lips were smiling realizing their childishness while expressing...some things can't be explained nor expressed. And I never could express...people say maybe I am just tired from my monotonous and melancholic life but no why would my exhausted self affect my feelings huh? My feelings are fresh like new bloomed flowers and very soft and tender. People say I left practicing writing, that's why I couldn't express my gratitude. People say I feel suffocation, that's why words are also stuck...I laugh at their thinking. The thing is when you experience a certain heart-throbbing feeling, you can express it in words but when those feelings grow with your age..you just realize it grew to the pit that you can't even express now...and some things are most beautiful when they aren't expressed in words but by silence. You know silence is superior to words...your silence just increases respect and makes a difference from others. I am not others to express that way. I have grown up and it is time to keep things in my heart to make it safe and for forever. The more we share the more our memory fades...let this song..your honey voice..your every accomplishment remain caged in my heart for me to cherish it..not the outside world. I have no one to explain so I wrote to you...it is very much comforting...I am very happy Tristan...very happy....thank you for existing...in this world. You exist in this world that's why it is less cruel to me, you my love. I am very sorry...very sorry. I fell in love with you as a man...
Yours Sunflower
1 August, 2022
Dear sun,
"I am not a fool that I can't see anything. I know everything, I realize everything and I know I Will move on from all of this when I finally see you with someone who can make you happy, I can move on and I am not an idiot to just think that you would be mine someday, because you will never be, and God knows why I ever become selfish knowing that you were never destined to be with me and I am hating myself for becoming this much pathetic in love. I understand the real world is not made for us and this doesn't mean I will be depressed over you thinking I couldn't get to you because that's not real life. I would be alright for God's sake. Stop thinking I am some obsessed shit. Because you are not my obsession but my passion. You are not my weakness but my strength. And all of these books I have written, of course, all of them were about you because I couldn't express my feelings otherwise.
Yours Sunflower
5 August, 2022
Dear sun,
You are just a reminder that someone belonged to my heart more than anyone else before...
"Look in real life, I really honestly fell in love with you, and I am proud of that, but when I find a man at last who could just love me like the way I love you then I would give him a chance because I deserve to be happy not as happier as I would with you but yeah I would be happy. you will be my first-ever love but not my forever. I forever would be someone who would just hold onto me and put myself together and let me breathe and do whatever I want.
Besides you are very much different from me, I love you as a man and can never make your life difficult by bringing myself to you. We are born different and our destiny should be different. We both deserve these different destinations because we walk on different paths.
Maybe that girl would never love you like me but surely can care for you forever and fulfill your wishes, making you happier and happier. What more could I ask for God huh..he gave a glimpse of yours. I am more than satisfied.
Love is necessary but togetherness is not.
Yours Sunflower
10 August, 2022
Dear Sun,
Here I am sitting on the frigid ground
The rogue waves are crying making roaring surfs
Creating a melancholy inside
My eyes glitter with the moonlight
I then look at my hands
Cold and worn out
A drop of salted liquid fall
My tears accompany the sea
I forward my hands to feel the breeze
My eyes became too tired to open again
I felt you
Vanishing the cold and bitterness with your warmth
I felt you
Vanishing the existent grief of emptiness from me
I felt you
Vanishing the remaining tears of heaviness
I felt you
Vanishing my whole existence along with you
I open my eyes
There you are
Vanishing without intertwining yourself with me
There you are
Taking my soul away, far away
Yours Sunflower
Dear sun,
Tristan....you know when we fall in love....when we touch our desired soul....our heart cries...because of overwhelming feelings.... as we feel just like when we hold a newborn baby....seeing that little infant welcoming the world in utmost delicateness. When we touch our love of life...we give birth to a newborn as those touches.... invent new feelings...new creativity...new research of warmth and affection. We give birth to lovers...
Tristan....you know when we experience our first love....every tiny little thing of him feels so special and we want to cage it inside our heart like plaster it....it is a much softer feeling that wraps our whole selves in a soothing embrace and then it is so hard and rough that when the hug is being pulled..it leaves us with cold and bitterness....
Tristan you know when we say...we know you even if we never met then that is a story of first love itself. Because that person knows your everything despite an invisible presence of herself in your life...she feels it...her heart experiences it...
in first love....it's like...giving birth too.. giving birth to a new personality whose heart beats for you...
it is the first love only....you just discover new ways to fall in love again but you discover new paths of loving your first love at the end...like when a girl said to me
I love in new ways...never the same but those new paths of mine lead to your doorsteps only..am I going crazy huh
Those numerous new paths are way more delicate than the previous ones...
If I am born again...in different forms and a million personalities...I want each of my forms to fall in love with your billion different presences.....
You can ask who that girl is....maybe me...or maybe not.... might be some crazy girl...
Whenever you see yourself in those eyes of your love...you feel the most beautiful flower blooming in your garden and she feels that she fell in unending ways and unconditional ways but with the same person again and again.....
Hiraeth loved you in many forms but when you loved her back....that phase was the most affection she showed....
Hiraeth surrendered herself in many ways and is ready in many ways to keep falling in love with you and not meet you ever in life...she doesn't want you but only you
May God bless you with your every wish fulfilled and may I see those dreams through your eyes...
Yours Sunflower