Javi
It was the time again when she was running away, from the tidal cyclone, after knowing Hiraeth for a year, she is the girl who runs away whenever it starts burdening her, whenever the weight of thoughts covers her and creates a spell against her ear, when death allures her, when hope dies. It's the time of the season when I see Hiraeth just as broken as she was when I found her smeared in mud, the heartache is still there inside me, maybe it will always be there, the heartache of not being enough for her, of not being the one who she can love, for not being the one she can rely too on. She considers me her home but she never returns to it, she is still on the pathway and a particular sun ray swishes her away from me, jealousy of course, there is jealousy, but the thought of not being competent for her when she is shattered and can't handle a thing of her own just rips me open, I can see everything, I am not dumb to think she didn't want to see that man, Tristan. Kim Tristan, a name never bigger than his fame, a name which almost everyone sings to a lullaby. A name that is stained with raw unpredictable love stories which is converted into songs. Kim Tristan, a 28 year youngest global sensation, brand ambassador of Celine, the face of the Cartier men's collection, Samsung brand ambassador for the 10th ongoing year, a one-time nominated for the Grammy Youngest Favorite Singer title, his first album was a bestseller, he is currently doing his Hollywood debut, his songs are still trending on the billboard charts, a multi trillionaire, one of the richest in South Korea. Comparing myself to this man is not even relevant, I have a part-time job in a new start-up company, am a content writer for another advertisement company, and am a part-time freelancer. Why would she choose me anyway? He has everything to give her. I can't even make her pancakes every day because it takes most of our milk cartons to make them. I don't know why she hasn't left me yet. I dread the possibility but still, she deserved that man, that man could bathe her in luxury, I can feed her only edible food, but she could have eaten decent food every single day, our mattress is hard and bushy, and it is not soft, that man's bed might be soft and delicate, she must have slept there in ease, she must have shared her skin to his, they might have shared their love there, made love there, in that lavish apartment of his. Whenever I asked Hiraeth what had happened with him, she just said they couldn't survive the bond anymore, but she never told me in detail, she can never really blame Tristan, this is what love makes us do, we can't hate the other whether they had hurt me or not. We always try to defend our loves. She never once bad-mouthed Tristan, that man loved her. I could feel her enjoying her past love, but what happened to these souls who loved each other so much, why did the world have to jinx it? A tear fell from my eye knowing I would never be her sun-eyed boy ever, she would never love me like him. I don't understand what to do.
"The moon is beautiful, isn't it?"
and I can't honestly count how many times
I have ever said this, half wishing
you'd look in my direction every time
I made mention of my astral exaltation
of something lightyears away
And as the poet says,
"The moon is beautiful, isn't it?"
but what I mean to say is that
"I love you, and I will keep on loving you"
even though just like the moon,
you have a sun you adored
so when I said that the moon is beautiful,
you said "Yes, but only if it loves you back"
I am currently kneeling outside our bedroom, it's the time of the year when she halts living, halts her general activities, halts her breath, halts her hope, halts her every single feeling consumed towards me, loving her is painful, but it is worth, I don't know why but leaving Hiraeth means ending the world for me. She deserves better and I want to be that better, but her halts create a rift between us. I closed my eyes, resting my head on the back of our bedroom door. She was inside, not locked, but she knows I don't go in until she asks me to.
She isn't a burden to me, the moment she asked me if I could hold her, I was head over heels for her. I would hold her for eternity if she wanted. I will always hold her, hell even if she keeps loving that guy.
I Have watched their previous appearances, there were a few red carpets, and he showed up with her. She was different around her, as if her world revolved around him only, her eyes were always on him, he wasn't the same in public appearances, always maintaining a distance as if she was his friend except on that one red carpet where he won 3 awards back to back for his new album. there were rumors about them being in a situation too, she accompanied him to many airports but suddenly she didn't go with him anymore, suddenly they weren't going together, suddenly every color of her face drained and she started visiting alone to airports, suddenly the rumors started ceasing, suddenly their LABEL published a statement, it was just a rumor that, Hiraeth and Tristan are just associates from the same LABEL, then suddenly Hiraeth leaving the industry and running away to Boston. I even searched for her social media accounts from the past, but there weren't any, she rarely came in front of cameras let alone with Tristan after their LABEL announced the baselessness of the rumors, she always wore a mask even if she left the building after and even before their relationship, but suddenly she left the entertainment industry, left the production company she got a new job too. She left everything behind, she didn't leave any crumbs, she hid every evidence of her relationship with Tristan or it was purposely made with the help of the LABEL? There is no trace of their fairy-tale love.
Her diaries are full of incidents, and beautiful scenes. What went wrong then? I know of her other miserable stories, she was burnt raw and nobody came to save her. Her only savior was Tristan and he left her. She should have died at that moment. My Hiraeth isn't living
A few more tears fell from my eyes thinking about her suffering
"Javi"
I heard her voice after so many hours, it was almost morning. She wanted to be alone for the night and I let her but was right behind the door because when hope dies, people don't survive, I can't let her die
"Yes love"
I could feel her resting her body on the floor kneeling on the door, there was the door distancing us only. I could cry because the distance is not that thin, I have my home in her and she closed all the doors to her home. She couldn't give me her heart. Tristan is the man of her dreams and still is the man of her nightmares. I could burn alive that man and also I could bring that same man to her feet if it would make her smile. Because of him, my Hiraeth is like this. Dead
"Tell me something nice"
"Cosmos and marigold are the October birth flowers. Cosmos are cute little flowers that bloom during the summer months and continue until the beginning of autumn. They are colorful and cheerful flowers that are available in shades of pink, red, orange, yellow, and white. They are known to represent harmony, beauty, kindness, infinity, and resilience. Originating in Mexico commonly planted by priests to build harmony. In modern times, cosmos are most commonly used to add a pop of color to flower arrangements.
Marigold flowers are highly unique in their shape and texture and are also recognized for their bright orange and yellow shaded petals. These cheerful blooms represent prosperity, optimism, and the rising sun.
I said as she listened quietly
"Javi"
It's the way she says my name, as if she needs to know something and I am her dictionary, vocabulary, and search engine from where she can know it, it's an unbelievable faith she has in me. I am the book where everything she needs to know is stored.
"Yes Love"
I gently whispered
"Why do you love me?"
I remembered how her diaries described Tristan's love for her. Do I love her like Tristan? Not. I love her better. I know it. But I can't show it
"I love you because, amidst my thoughts, between heaven and the earth, you stood like a barrier, a wall for me to breathe calmly. I love you because I have a purpose to feel just by making you feel, I love you because I want to heal myself by doing it, I love you because I have never seen something that shattering and I swear on earth, I never wanted to rescue those shattered pieces of someone else other than you, I love you because you are the sense of sanity I never knew I could acquire, I love you because you make me see myself, I love you because you make me love myself, I love you because the urge to protect anyone wasn't that much stronger in life, I love you just because I want to mend you, I want to help you breath and let you see how the world isn't only him, there are other things, I love you because simply I do, I loved you from the moment I saw you were smeared in mud and dirt, I loved you because you cried in my arms that night thinking you had nowhere to go but me, you were in my arms but weren't mine, this rare thing I wanted to experience. I wanted my days to be filled caring for you, for making you live, it sounds fictional but it is what it is. I adore you so much that I need to protect you otherwise, letting you live in the world just for the sake of it. I don't agree. I can't see you dying, dying of hope. I just do..."
"Javi" she whispered, her voice is breaking
"Yes love"
"I need to see him please"
There it goes, bad timing Javi, shouldn't have opened your heart for her just to get reminded of that same man. It's always him, it never was me, it never is me, it never will be me. I wish I could have found her earlier. I could hear my heart bursting apart in pain as my chest tightened. I don't think I ever felt that pain in life. I clutched my chest with my palms
As I got up saying
"Let me take you to him"
I said with much difficulty.
She opened the door and there she was, restless, with red eyes, swollen cheeks, and madly in love with that man. I sucked a breath, her eyes weren't looking at me either, maybe she would never come back. I tried so hard not to break into pieces in front of her, or not wail like a distressed man. I looked everywhere other than her when her eyes landed on mine. This is it then. This is the end of us, right?
She came forward and I could feel my eyes brimming with tears, her hopeful eyes never looked at me. She was excited to see him. I looked down and she said
"Javi thank you for everything, but I can find him myself, you don't need to come"
Just a generous amount of love dripping from her mouth, it is unbelievable. She hugged me barely and ran outside, her mind was spiraling but adrenalin made its way to her cheeks and she was flushed with blush, she was indeed a beauty when she loved that man.
I looked at her, never looking back at me, she rushed out as fast as she could as if her life depended on her.
I knelt wailing, screaming, thrashing my palms on the floor, she left me to die, and now I have to love her memories which were still tainted by Tristan. Tristan Tristan Tristan, he was everywhere. He ruined my life.
I sobbed so hard, my insides churned. I could barely breathe
I heard a ringtone of my phone, I answered with shaky hands
"Hey Javi, remember the offer I gave you to work under Khai in Milan as a content writer. Did you give it a thought?"
Tears streamed down my eyes as I accepted the reality
"I am in Nicholas, I will report to Milan this week itself. Thank you"
"Javi, are you okay.."
Before he could continue hearing my rouged voice, I cut it. I lay down on the floor, looking at the corners of my house, the house smells like her still, she is everywhere, writing on that couch, eating dinner by me feeding her on the dining table, and the bed is sunken because of her weight when she slept hugging me, I could see her watching tv lying on the bean bag, I find her on the balcony bare feet looking nowhere, I find her beside me lying with me holding my hands, I find her hugging me, but it is all a hallucination. She left me. She left me for good.
"Sir there is someone named Hiraeth who is causing a ruckus downstairs"
Tristan turned as if to see how much the voice had the truth, he felt groundbreaking beneath him as he ran pushing past the guards surrounding him. He ran downstairs from the hotel where he was staying in Boston. Tristan's heart was thudding with fear, hope, and extreme relief. The feeling was indescribable. She returned to him, she came to see him. Tristan's heartbeat was palpitating, he felt he would be soon drowned in darkness seeing it was all again a hallucination, she was with me yesterday, it was almost morning, and he could hear the crickets singing outside, I could feel the warmth and the early morning sun rays give us, but he needed her, he needed to see her as much as he needs oxygen to breathe.
he reached as he saw her standing with messy brown hair, he could feel his heart rate accelerating, I could feel adrenaline rush through his veins and he was flustered. he needed to hold her, her eyes were longing, he ran and embraced her while carrying her never daring to glance at the media, he made the mistake once and losing her, not now, not ever
She clasped her hands around his neck and buried her face on his neck, she inhaled sharply.
He was feeling so relieved. He carried her inside, where he told his guards to not enter anymore. her needed her alone, just this, please. he wants to say her he fucked up, he wants to say sorry to her, he wants to make love to her, he wants to make her believe he was still hers, their heartbeats are colliding as he cried holding her, he knelt holding her body, she caressed his back to calm me, he whimpered like a baby, clinging to her as tight as ever. he needed to breathe in her.....
"Javi, Javi...WAKE UP, WHAT HAPPENED?"
I heard her scream my name as I opened my eyes, she was here. I frowned thinking she left last night, was it a bad dream? Was it all a dream, where I confessed to her and she left me, where I told her about her birth flowers but she smelled suspicious of my love? Was it all a dream? Didn't she leave
I looked everywhere thinking where was I? I was kneeling next to our bedroom door, I slept thinking about why I wasn't enough for her. The rest of it was a dream. Oh god. I looked at her, her concern-filled eyes, the dreadful dream showed me she had no feelings for me. I was crying for her, calling her name lying on the floor. I was crying so much, and then I saw her hugging Tristan. It gripped my heart. Was I dreaming?
She was sitting on the floor, her hands were warm against my chest, she looked terrified, she was scared for me. She was here. She is here with me. Oh my god, I could cry. I pulled her to my lap and embraced her tightly, tears fell continuously, I wailed like a kid, and her
fingers ruffled my hair as she played with my ear. Her eyes were still distant, but she was concerned about me, she wouldn't leave me right. I am so paranoid
I clutch against her, she could feel my ragged breath. I am so scared
"You will leave me right?"
I whispered against her
"I will never Javi"
I was still breathing heavily, every thought was collapsing against me. I cried hard,
"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME. I CAN'T I CAN'T"
She cupped my cheeks and shook her head, there were tears in her eyes,
"I will not Javi, was it a bad dream? You were sobbing"
I nodded and kissed her cheeks, her forehead, her lips, she is here, she is with me, I can kiss her, I can kiss her. So I did
I kissed her open mouth, and she never responded but she let me, this is all I need. She needed to let me, she needed to make me believe she wouldn't leave, I kissed her softly and ardently and eventually urgently. She caressed my cheeks. She attached her forehead with mine and breathed heavily, she inhaled against me to make me believe she was there with me. She is with me in my arms. She is safe with me. I inhaled her breaths and a relief washed over me. She didn't choose him, she chose me.
I could cry.